Trip Down A Rabbit Hole

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1.

The Hole and Mothering

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Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton had never been more terrified in her life. Wade wasn't crying anymore, but she felt his quickly weakening grip holding tightly to her skirts. Scarlett herself felt weak and it was a struggle to keep herself awake and listening for another's presence. Just one person, anyone would do, if they would just come before she and her son starved in this hole. Without her consent tears began to fall again. Scarlett didn't bother wiping them away, but was careful to keep them off of Wade. He needed sleep, her poor tired boy.

She'd felt a startling tenderness towards her boy during the past few days. She couldn't even bring herself to quietly blame the child for their predicament anymore. The only thing Scarlett wanted anymore was to get her boy through this alive. Scarlett leaned back against the dirt wall of her prison and wondered once more what Wade had done to deserve this. She knew very well her own sins. Scarlett coveted another woman's husband and had hardly been an attentive mother to her boy. She could also add in being a disobedient unruly child and marrying a man she didn't love. Her general behavior towards others wasn't very angelic either. Wade whimpered distracting her and Scarlett tightened her left arm's grip around the boy, using her right to pet his soft brown hair until he quieted.

Scarlett looked at the red sky barely allowing herself to hope for rescue, despite her stubborn vigil. She and Wade had been in the unfilled grave in a forgotten corner of Oakland Cemetery for four days and the fourth night was quickly approaching. Scarlett wasn't sure they could make it through a fifth night.

"Momma," a quiet voice whispered. Scarlett looked down at Wade startled. He had woken while she was distracted and was looking at her with bright brown eyes. Too bright, she realized a fluttering of dread feeling her chest.

"What is it Wade, honey?" Scarlett asked voice strangled by the lump in her throat. If Wade had a fever and didn't get help he could die this very night. Scarlett's mind protested against such a fate for her newly dear boy.

"I'm sorry Momma." Wade told her sounding close to tears again. "I'm so sorry."

"It's alright baby, it's not your fault." Scarlett assured him. "It's not your fault."

Wade went quiet against her, and it scared Scarlett all the more to see that he'd fallen asleep so quickly. Scarlett closed her eyes fighting tears. It was her fault God was punishing them for her spitefulness to Melanie Wilkes. Scarlett vowed then and there if somehow God decided to let Wade live, then, if she got out of this hole, she'd have nothing to do with Ashley Wilkes and be the kindest most loving sister to Melanie. She'd even be kind to that scoundrel Rhett Butler. At the thought of Rhett, Scarlett was filled with a peculiar sort of longing. The man was unbearable, but he'd have been able to get her and Wade out or at least known how to make Wade stop feeling so guilty.

Scarlett open her eyes and gasped. She'd heard what she half thought was a hallucination. Footsteps. She listened and heard it again. Weakly Scarlett began shouting. Her voice was horrifyingly quiet and hoarse from lack of water and shouting the entire first day, but maybe, just maybe they'd hear her. The footsteps stopped, but Scarlett didn't. Then impossibly there was shouting and running towards her. Wade was wide awake and Scarlett was crying when Uncle Henry's dear, sweet face appeared above her. He paled taking her in, but Scarlett laughed as she cried. They were going to live. They were going to live.

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During the trip back to the house on Peachtree Street, Scarlett was forced to tell Uncle Henry and the various other men in the search party exactly how she'd wound up in the hole with her son. It was an abridged version that left out Scarlett's secrets and the parts key to the change in Scarlett that Uncle Henry noted, but satisfied the men enough. Scarlett herself went over the true story in her mind.

Melanie, despite her pregnancy, had managed to slip away when she'd heard the rumor circulating Atlanta that Phil Meade had been killed. Scarlett was left alone in the house trying to ignore the shells hitting Atlanta. She'd gotten a shock though when Prissy ran in shouting that Wade was missing. Scarlett and the girl had split up and began searching the town. It was only by pure accident Scarlett had ended up in the cemetery following some news from a resident of Atlanta, who'd been delayed in their fleeing of the city. Scarlett had found Wade in the grave and had attempted to get him out, only to have the earth under her feet give way and fall in. She'd spent the first few hours fuming and thoroughly blaming her son for the misfortune, but fully expecting a rescue. It was only when the sky turned red did doubt slip in. It was also then Scarlett finally bothered to ask her son why he'd run off.

Looking ashamed and crying loudly the boy had told her of his plans to track down 'Uncle Ashley', because he knew how much his Momma and 'Aunt Melly' loved him. Scarlett for the first time had felt something close to affection for the boy. She knew well enough he was timid, quiet little thing, who was absolutely terrified of the Yankees. At the same time she'd been annoyed enough to snap at the boy and ask him why exactly he'd thought to go out on such a journey. Wade had told her point blank that he'd seen Scarlett crying over his Uncle Ashley and that he loved his Momma. He'd then said that he was trying to be brave like Scarlett and make her happy because he was the man of the family. Scarlett hadn't been sure how to take such unquestioning devotion, but had permitted him to sleep in her lap during the night. Over the days that followed Scarlett was surprised to realize Wade was like her and not his cow eyed father.

Wade had her ability with numbers, which he demonstrated when Scarlett showed him a number game she'd invented during her brief stint in Fayetteville Female Academy in the incredibly dull history class taught by Scarlett's least favorite and most boring teacher. Wade had done better than she suspected at the simplified version of the game and had impressed Scarlett. To add to that Wade had the so far unnoticed penchant for giving Scarlett the same compliments Scarlett had reserved for her own mother. And once more Scarlett was face with the startling realization that despite her lack of attention her son loved her. Eventually during her conversations with her son she discovered his clear devotion was in part due to Melanie telling him of Scarlett's apparent virtues. Scarlett would have liked to been able to dismiss these as Melanie being a fool, but alone with herself and no distractions Scarlett had to face the truth.

Melanie did more for Scarlett than anyone had ever done. Melanie would constantly defend Scarlett's behavior to any old cat in Atlanta. Melanie had practically raised Wade thus far. Melanie didn't find her unladylike and if anything adored Scarlett to the point of blind loyalty. Scarlett was more than a little certain that Melanie would in fact die for Scarlett. Melanie was in fact a lady. A lady like Scarlett's mother and a lady Scarlett had always wanted to be. Such a realization had made Scarlett decidedly uncomfortable, even more uncomfortable than her slowly coming thoughts that she might have wronged her child.

As time had passed Scarlett had finally decided that, yes, she had wronged Wade. By the start of the third day she felt her heart clench with guilt and an odd newly blossoming affection for the child that despite his crying was trying to stay strong and be brave. For the first time Scarlett began to realize that she'd made Wade. He'd been inside her for nine months and she was the only one capable of such a feat. It filled her with an odd mixture of pride and tenderness to realize nobody else in the world could have made this child. Without Scarlett he could never have been born, because she made up an essential half of him. The more time she spent in his constant company the more Scarlett vowed to love the boy like her mother had loved her.

Scarlett had felt oddly eager to begin her new responsibility of raising her child. She didn't realize it, but during her time in the hole Scarlett had felt something many mothers felt right after their child's birth. Scarlett felt a mother's love for her child. It had been delayed and odd in coming. But Scarlett loved her little boy, who'd left his home completely terrified all for her. Being in the hole had made her finally connect that Wade really was hers. But also for the simple reason that it felt nice to be able to love someone and have it returned so completely. After losing Ashley first to Melanie and then to Rock Island she needed the balm of a steady unquestioning love of a child.

Now riding beside Uncle Henry, Scarlett felt an unfamiliar joy at the simple sensation of having Wade in her arms. Scarlett enjoyed the feeling of happiness and lost herself to love of her child, giving him some of her heart. And heaven knows when Scarlett O'Hara loved someone, it took an Act of God to change that fact.