Doctor Who

Raxicoricofallapatorians in Rugby

" Now, we can intervene."

And, jumping from the hay enclosure, The Doctor and Jenny landed on the ground below. The Slitheen snarled as it eyed the tall, familiar figure.

" Doctor!"

" Yes, that's me. Hello." Beamed The Doctor in his usual smug way. " Well, well. A Raxacoricofallapatorian in Rugby...and if I were you, I'd put that pitchfork down." He added aside to the Prefect. " A pitchfork won't penetrate that hide – a Sub-Harpoon UGM 84A missile on the other hand...oh, there I go again." He turned back to the Slitheen. " What're you doing in Rugby? Planning to bring your little kids to enrol in Rugby School? Or maybe you'll like to catch a game of..."

" Doctor, that hasn't happened yet." Whispered Jenny. The Doctor gave her a look of surprise. Jenny replied by shrugging with a slight redness in her cheeks. " OK, maybe I did take a quick read."

" We noticed a surge of energy in the area." Growled the Slitheen, dropping it's arms and adopting a pose as if they were chatting in a public house. " It scorched our ship and made us crash-land in the grounds outside."

" W-why did you kill the girl outside?" Stuttered William, who had only just joined The Doctor, Jenny and the Prefect. " What problem did she cause you?"

" You don't understand Slitheens." Said The Doctor. " They act without thinking."

" Seems to me..." Added Jenny. " That Slitheens have their brains in their ar--"

" Anyway..." The Doctor interrupted. " What was this surge of energy that knocked you off-course. And since when do Slitheens have the technology to travel through time?"

" ENOUGH TALK!" Boomed the Slitheen, who was getting bored of the questioning. It flicked out the claws in its fingers and stared at the four people.

" Yeah, I agree." Said The Doctor. " RUN!"

The Slitheen slashed downwards but just missed the fleeing figures by inches as they rushed past it and out the stable doors.

" Doctor, what is a Slitheen?"

The Doctor, Jenny, William and the Prefect were running as fast as they could, keeping as big a distance from the Slitheen as they could.

" Well, first of all, Slitheen isn't the name of the alien race, it's Raxacoricofallapatorians. They're calcium-based. I had the misfortune to bump into them when they were in Downing Street. And..." He said with an embarrassed expression. " I also had dinner with one. Well, they have the ability to cram their big bodies in the skin of rounded humans." He glanced at the prefect. " I think he was after you, mate. You're lucky we were hiding it that hay."

" And to think..." Wheezed the prefect – running was not one of his strong suits. " I was about to punish you."

They heard a sound of breaking wood and turned back to see the Raxacoricofallapatorian amongst a collection of wood that had previously been the stable door.

" Right, we need to find a safe place to..."

" Hide?" Offered Jenny.

" Well, I was going to say 'lay low' so we can figure out a few things. One: what was the surge of energy? Two: how did it...." He nodded back to the alien, who was lifting its head as if it was trying to smell their aroma. " travel through time. 'Cause I'm telling you now: there's only one way and that's mine." He looked at the prefect's face, as if it was familiar. " I'm sorry. What with running from odd things and hearing weird words like Slitheens and Raxacoricofallapatorians, I didn't catch your name."

" It's Bloxam, sir. " Bowed the boy. " Matthew Bloxam. Why? Is it important?"

" All names are important, Matthew. All names are given for a reason. Most of the time, names help us for what lives we lead and what we're known for in the future."

" How very sentimental, Doctor." Gurgled a familiar voice. The four turned to see the towering figure. The Doctor had completely forgot how fast a Raxacoricofallapatorian could move. " We've heard all about your name, of course. 'The Oncoming Storm', 'The Destroyer of Worlds' and..." its mouth upturned into a horrible smile. " Your name. Your real name. The name you've hidden from companion and ally alike. Well, when that time comes and you reach this current life..." It eyed The Doctor with a look of disgust. " You will tell that secret."

" Blah, blah, blah." Said The Doctor, sarcastically. " Is there any chance we could get this over with? Because even that sermon nearly bored me into my next regeneration. So, how did you get here, then? 'Cause, like I told them, there's only one way through time...and that's my way."

" Snap." Sneered the figure. " We broke apart the machine piece by piece and stole what we could. Yes, most of our numbers were obliterated by the heart of the TARDIS or turned into eggs but after, years, decades and centuries of toil and trouble, we managed to get it working."

" But there are no other TARDISES." Put in Jenny, who had been told by The Doctor sometime after Kline had left the TARDIS. " The destruction of Gallifrey..."

" Don't ask." The Doctor said aside to William and Matthew.

"... Got rid of the Time-Lords, TARDISES and every single thing linking to Gallifrey. And that was all down to the Daleks."

" Again, don't ask." The Doctor stretched and looked at the Raxacoricofallapatorian. " What did this 'surge' look like?

" Oval, as you humans call it." The alien sneered at William and Matthew. " But, from what I saw on the data screen, it would be enough to bring Rugby to an end. In fact, it would be the end of the world itself."

" Ugh." Moaned The Doctor. " What is it with you lot and ending the world?"

The Doctor had lost many people through enemies ending the world. He had lost his fellow Time-Lords in the Time War, lost The Master – who had been living as a human at the end of the universe – to an angry wife and had had to sacrifice both Rose and Donna to live without him after an almost-end-of-the-world confrontation with Davros. Rose had to be taken back to the parallel universe with the half-human/ half Time-Lord version of The Doctor after this version had commited genocide on the Daleks while Donna, being human, had inadvertantly caused a Time-Lord/ Human metacrisis and had herself become part Time-Lord and, to avoid dying, The Doctor had had to erase all memories of him from Donna.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he saw the Raxacoricofallapatorian unsheath its claws and, once again, the chase was on.

" What's going on down there?"

The headmaster took the cup of tea off the secretary, who was a rounded, matronly woman and viewed the scene below.

" I haven't seen anything like it. It's disgusting."

" Careful, Headmaster..." Replied the secretary. Her voice sounded gurgled. The Headmaster turned to see a claw swipe at him. The secretary smiled as she looked at the headmaster's dead body before looking out onto the grounds." You'll hurt my family's feelings."

And giving out a gurgling laugh, the Raxacoricofallapatorian walked out the door, leaving a dead body and the skin of what had once been Doris North, a once-loved school secretary.

" Oval-shaped, as you humans call it."

Those words swirled around inside his head as the foursome headed through the double doors of the school.

' But that isn't possible.' Thought The Doctor. ' The ball he carried was round.'

" Wait a minute." Said Jenny, stopping the three in their tracks. " Wasn't that thing behind us?"

The Doctor looked down the corridor and saw another Raxicoricofallapatorian, who spotted them and started heading towards them.

" Unless I'm very much mistaken." Replied The Doctor, getting his breath back and pointing to the approaching alien. " That is another Raxacoricofallapatorian. The one that's just appeared behind us..." He said, sensing the Raxacoricofallapatorian that had been chasing them enter the corridor. "... is the one from outside."

"And how do we get out of this tight spot, then?" Asked Jenny.

" Oh, didn't I tell you?" Beamed The Doctor. " I'm an ace when it comes to tight spots."

And, activating his Sonic Screwdriver, The Doctor unlocked a door and escorted William, Matthew and Jenny into the room.

" We're in a basement." Came Jenny's voice.

" Yeah, thanks for that, Jen." Replied The Doctor's. " And, since there's no other door, there's no escape. Well, there's one...but I'd rather no go that way."

" Oh, ye of little faith." Smirked Matthew. " Due to me being prefect, I know more secrets of Rugby School than any of you three can count on your fingers and toes combined. I know for a fact that this brick here..." He elbowed the brick and it split the wall, which was sized for someone of Matthew's frame. " Age before beauty."

" That put me first, then." Smiled The Doctor. " Once again..."

" Don't ask." Replied Matthew, William and Jenny.

" Is The Doctor close by?"

The two aliens stood outside, one ear (although very cleverly hidden) to the door, hearing the shifting bricks and mortar.

" Apparantly, this 'school' has hidden features. No sign of the object. I'm going to keep one eye open for it..." It looked at the door, as if x-raying through it. "...before this bunch of humans do. The Doctor has killed our kind before. Although it's of no loss. Remember the Raxacoricofallapatorian known as the Family Slitheen?"

" Ah, yes." The other nodded, as if it was only just happening. " Did we ever find out what happened?"

" Don't ask that question again." It growled. " Thank goodness our Blonny won't end up like that. Just weird how her egg ended up on our doorstep. An ill wind, the sound of engines...it was him. He dropped her off. But it still doesn't change things – he, along with the others, must die. He gave us the precious gift of Blon but it's not like he changed the world."

And, snarling, The Raxicoricofallapatorians galloped off down the corridor.

A fallen clock tower, cracks in the tiled pavement, buses that had crashed into shop windows and still burning cars.

That was the sight that awaited The Doctor, Jenny, William and Matthew on their departure from the TARDIS.

" How'd this happen?" Asked William.

" Raxa-- you know, those huge, green things got a hold of the oval object and the world was there's for the taking. See, this place isn't called Rugby, here. It's called Raxacoricofallapatorius II. Oh, that's not very original. I wouldn't touch that if I were you."

The Doctor had noticed Jenny about to touch a unfamiliar green goo. Well, unfamiliar to her.

" What is it, then?" She sniffed it and almost retched. " It smell like urine."

" Well..." Replied The Doctor, rubbing the back of his neck. " That's because it sorta is. Or, at least, Raxacoricofallapatorian urine."

" Where is everyone?" Asked Matthew. A sudden horrible thought crossed his mind and he had to grab onto a bent post. " They're not..."

" No. Well, the...you see, like I said, they need round people to hide amongst the humans and those not suitable are either killed or turned into slaves."

" I want to go back." Said William, sadly. His face had gone a shade of white. " Doctor, take us back...please?"

" Of course, come on." Upon entering the TARDIS, The Doctor sat William down and talked to him. " Now, I'm going to tell you something and I'm probably going to change the future in some tiny way but you have to get that object before they do. William Webb-Ellis, you are about to create a game that's going to change the world of sport forever."

" And that's never been one of my strongest subjects." Groaned William.