Authors note... Really not terribly happy with this, but it's been sitting on my computer for a bit now and no matter how I tinker, I still don't like it. I am having a terrible time with the juxtaposition between Blaine's thought process and actual dialogue. Mostly because bad, stiff, and unrealistic dialogue annoys me. So please, any advice or con crit would be lovely. Still not beta'd.

4)

It's not so much that he didn't mean to say it. Just not like that, so sudden and soft and just there. And when he breathes into the long pause that follows, he isn't scared, or nervous. He trusts this boy, he loves this boy. A sort of ridiculous trust, the way he loves Kurt lies heavy in his body, thrumming under his skin and winding its way into his bones. Saying the words doesn't really change anything, because it's just there.

But when Kurt says it back, eyes bright and clear and high, it does change things. Him. And maybe he'll spend the rest of the day like he would any other, brushing a careful hand against Kurt's as they stand to leave the coffee shop, stealing looks at his lips and chin and long neck, wishing they were anywhere but here- this public space, this wide expanse that is Ohio, judgment and closed minds and, honestly, danger. Blaine can't even resent this, because despite all pretense that speaks otherwise, everything is different. Plans to go to New York, a future now more clear and infinitely more achievable, a concrete and tangible show of trust- nothing between them is the same. And one day they'll be somewhere else, somewhere and he'll be able to lean over and kiss him, or touch him, or just breathe him in, without being afraid. Watchful and waiting for someone who will be willing to hurt them because they can't help the way they love any more than anyone else can.

Later, he finds himself cross legged on Kurt's bed, watching as Kurt re-organizes the countless bottles and jars that constitute his skin care portfolio, he find that he isn't afraid to speak any more. He's only afraid of what will happen, should he keep leaning blindly into whatever it is that Kurt is afraid of. What will happen if he doesn't speak, ask, find some sort of direction. So he speaks.

5)

"Kurt." Quiet, he doesn't let himself expect anything. When Kurt looks up, curious and soft and open and so much more real than any pretense Kurt usually carries, Blaine feels it, in his stomach, an ache like longing and arousal and, yes, a little fear. Kurt is staring at him, doing that thing with his eyebrow, interrogatory and sexy all at once.

"Come sit?" He holds out a hand, smiling when Kurt comes without protest. Kurt settles across from him, cross legged as well, knee to knee.

"Everything ok?" Kurt sort of leans down and in, examining his boyfriends face, "You've got the strangest look on your face."

Blaine laughs, trying to recompose his face, wondering why he didn't plan something to say, why he had no script.

"Yeah I just wanted to talk…" Kurt let the pause wind out, holding Blaine's hand lightly. Clearing his throat, Blaine tried to convey confidence, and somehow, acceptance that Kurt might read as love and trust and honesty. "I just…I want to be sure you know that I meant it." Fervent and rich, his voice is low and he's squeezing Kurt's fingers.

"I know Blaine." Kurt's voice is soft, and he's looking straight into Blaine's eyes. "I did too."

"Good." He tries to find a way to speak that won't scare Kurt off, that won't cause immediate shut down.

"I want you to know that I love you, but that I also trust you. Like, really trust you." Now Kurt is frowning, speaking through the furrowed brows and confusion.

"What…I mean, how do you mean? Have I done something?"

"No, no. Not like that. Just…you know... I trust you."

"Ok, well… I trust you too?" Kurt is obviously confused, his voice lilting a bit, but Blaine isn't listening for nuance, he's already pouncing on the little opening he's been presented with.

"Do you?" The moment the words are out of his mouth, he feels it, a simmering heaviness coating the air. Kurt is taking his hand back and looking at him with a sort of hurting in his eyes, and Blaine has to close his to protect himself. He has to get these words said, he has to find a way to figure this out, and he won't make five seconds with Kurt looking at him like that.

"No, wait…" He's almost stuttering, rushing words out before he's had a chance to weigh them, and maybe that is better because thinking everything though so god damn much really just served to delay any progress he's ever made as far as Kurt is concerned. "Please don't do that thing, you know the thing where you shut people out. I'm not saying that to be cruel or because…of anything I just…I'm confused." He opens his eyes, breathing and hoping.

"About?"

"I don't know, stuff…you. It feels like sometimes when I touch you…you like it?" It's a question unintended, and he's tugging nervously at the buttons of his shirt and not quite managing to make eye contact, "But then sometimes, I don't know…the littlest touch seems to shut you down and I don't know what I've done or what's going on, and to be honest it's confusing the hell out of me." Blaine darts a look up at Kurt, and stops talking, Kurt's face is a study of coldness and Blaine can see the effort he is putting into constructing his front, into shutting Blaine out. His voice is even, wintry and Blaine can feel himself curling up, unsure and defensive.

"So this isn't a trust thing you wanted to talk about. It's a sex thing. Wow that's…really special." It's almost funny, they way Kurt manages to lace sarcasm into the words and the air and right through Blaine's stomach. "One declaration of love and suddenly it's pushy Blaine, right?"

"No, hey, come on." Kurt is already unfolding, unfurling himself into the cold air he's created, retreating back to his vanity. "Kurt that's not what I meant at all, come on-"

"I think you'd better go." Kurt doesn't speak to him, instead choosing to speak into the mirror, letting his reflection do the talking, and Blaine has a moment of weirdness where he's sort of wondering objectively how things have gone so wrong. But then he's shaking his head and barreling ahead, knowing there isn't much he can do to make this worse anyway.

"No, Kurt," He's trying for reason, unbending but still somehow tentative, "I live two hours away. We planned to spend the day together." He's standing next to Kurt, then kneeling, that far away part of his mind a little amused, because none of this is even registering in his brain before he's doing it.

"Just hear me out. I'll say what I have to say and then if you are still mad you can go downstairs or I can or…something, and we'll think and calm down and come back here. You can't always throw me out when you aren't ready to hear what I have to say. This won't work if we do that." His voice drops at the end, something soft and unspoken and so so fragile caught in the air between them. Wondering where they go from here, knowing that how they navigate this will chart the way for how they will work together in the future.

And for a moment, he's glad. Blaine is thrilled that he's said it, that he's opened this door, even as the prolonged silence unspools his resolve.

"Ok." Kurt breathes, still not looking at Blaine, fingers twisted almost white in his lap, and Blaine leans gratefully into the word.

"Ok." His hands are shaking and his knees hurt where he is kneeling and Blaine doesn't want to, won't move for anything in the world. "I'm not interested in pushing your boundaries, or finding out how far I can get or even in the what's or the how's of…us and you know…sex." Kurt's brow is already up before he's finished and Blaine has to sigh, annoyed and frustrated and scared to be honest but unwilling to do this any other way.

"Ok, so I am interested in the sense that yes, I think you are gorgeous and sexy and you make me kind of a little crazy. But that's not what I am talking about right now." Daring a little, he tries to take Kurt's hand which is still rigid, and settles for laying it on top of Kurt's. "I need you to trust me. I need you to know that I won't push and that I would never try to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. But it's hard because I don't know how to avoid it. I can't figure out why some things are ok and some aren't and I end up feeling like an asshole because I've pushed you too far without even realizing I've done it and…that's just…that's not what I want for us."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Ok, I've heard what you have to say. And now I am going to go bake something."

"You're going to bake?" Blaine is incredulous and confused.

"Yes, because I need time to think and baking is good for that. And because when we make up, if that's even what we need to do, brownies are a great way to say I'm sorry." Kurt looks up, fierce and still a little hard around the edges. "I'm not sorry right now, I'm upset and I'm not sure if I am right to be or what to think, so I'm going to bake."

"Ok." Taking what he can get, Blaine moves back, giving his boyfriend room and space, choosing to settle on Kurt's bed with an old copy of Vogue that's been left on the night table. When the door closes behind Kurt, Blaine simply closes his eyes, replaying each moment of that conversation, hoping that somehow they will find a way to talk about not only this, but everything. Hoping he's found a way to break down this last wall that stands between them, Kurt's reluctance and fear. It isn't that Blaine wants to have sex, although yes, obviously he does. Maybe not now, but just…sometime. Now he just wants to be able to talk to Kurt about it, to explore who they are and where they are going and just…be in this experience with Kurt, along for the ride together, whichever way they end up going.