Author's Note:
This is the last part of this little fic. My first fanfic ever! ::tears:: Thanks to everyone who added me to alerts and all that jazz. I would really love to hear from some of you. I love constructive criticism...I always want to be growing as a writer. So if this wasn't your cup of tea, please let me know what I can improve on! Also, I would love to get some prompts and ideas for the future!
6)
When the door opens, Blaine has to make an effort to calm his heart, which seems to have lodged itself up in his throat somewhere. Kurt is unreadable, blank and composed, and Blaine hates this, hates the space between them. They're so rarely like this, unsure and stilted.
"Brownies?" It's part hope and part icebreaker. Kurt laughs a little, fond and self conscious at the same time.
"They do have to bake first." The tone, snippy and a little bitchy, is all Blaine needs to feel, a bloom of smile and relief moving over his face. This is his boy, who is tart and gentle and unsure but so sure, somehow. Kurt is speaking, barely pausing, and Blaine has to force himself to keep up, to pick himself up out of the relief and comfort and just God, massive amounts of love.
"I thought about what you said, and I do have to apologize. I shouldn't have tried to kick you out, and…" Kurt is worrying his lip between his teeth and Blaine breathes his way through an urge to lean over and worry it for him… "I- I'm not…I'm not prude you know." He's almost defiant, but not quite able to look Blaine in the face, feeling his cheeks flush.
"There's just…it's….a lot of stuff. I've never been able to see myself in..that way. Being with someone…like that. I've spent so much time having to watch myself, who I look at and how I touch and not looking or touching, even when it doesn't mean anything…because even the guys who know me and like me act like they are going to catch gay from me or something." Kurt, his Kurt, is red and stuttering, running over his words fast and embarrassed and each one hurts a separate little part of Blaine, who understands how hard the world can be. They are knee to knee on Kurt's bed again and he's putting his hands on Kurt's knees, thumbs brushing just inside his thighs, and he doesn't mean it to be anything but comfort. But the way Kurt freezes then forces himself, with a little hitch and a breath, to accept and relax into the touch, just breaks Blaine a little more.
"Blaine…it's not that I don't want to…be with you and I don't know, be touched or kiss you. I mean…I am a teenage boy too. But this is just so new and scary and it's so hard to separate the way I've always seen myself and held myself and just be. Sometimes, I forget." The dreamy tone and the sort of sigh in his voice are melting him, and Blaine feels himself warming all the way through, fingers and toes buzzing and wanting and waiting. "I forget to be careful, and you touch me or kiss me and I'm not even thinking about anything but now nice it is, how good it feels to be close to you."
"Good." Blaine is smiling, a little thing, hands squeezing against the tight line of Kurt's jeans, "Because I love being close to you, and making you feel good, and how amazing you make me feel."
And they're smiling, then laughing, and mid laugh Kurt's leaning into him, leaning into his breath and his lips and his tongue and then there's no more laughter, just a sweet sort of intimacy. Apology and love and desire, and it's all awkward angles because they are still knee to knee and Blaine isn't sure where to anchor himself so his hands are still on Kurt's legs and Kurt's hand is behind his neck and its just so fucking perfect.
7) .
And it's minutes later when they hear the door slam downstairs and they break apart, all warmth and damp lips and fullness. There's a lull, in which Kurt seems to be thinking, or listening, before he speaks again. Then Kurt is rolling his eyes, but he's not angry and they both know that the time has past for many things, but that it is just right for this moment and this conversation. It is fascinating, to Blaine, the way Kurt is managing to blush even more, flushing in a wave down his neck and Blaine can just see it rolling down his collarbones, exposed now that Kurt has taken off his bowtie and undone a few buttons.
"I'm sorry. For when I pull away or freeze up." And now he is direct, his eyes, his pretty eyes that aren't any color but so many, are not afraid to look right at Blaine. "I get scared sometimes because I don't know what to expect. When I'm already nervous or uptight and I worry about where you want to go and what you want to do. I don't want to disappoint you, and I…I don't want to be so scared that…nothing ever happens."
"Kurt-" Blaine tries to jump in, but Kurt is barreling right past him.
"It's just in my head, I can't stop thinking, you know, you're a guy and you know about sex and I don't know, maybe you've even had sex, and god that's not even something I should be saying, but it's there, and I just don't want to drive you away because I'm acting like some little kid and I just need some time to learn to see myself in that sort of context."
Before he can censor himself, before Kurt has even managed to finish his ridiculous rant, Blaine is snorting with laughter.
"Blaine." Even the edges in tone don't stop him now, because somehow Blaine has managed to find his footing and he's digging in, filled up and full with the knowledge that yes he loves this boy and yes he trusts him and yes, absolutely yes, this is going to be ok. It could be painful, or awkward, or they might end up yelling or crying or everything, fuck everything could be fine and they'll move on, but it is all good because he understands that he doesn't just trust Kurt, he trusts them, who they are as a couple.
"Kurt," he's still giggling a little, "Come on honey, calm down." Kurt colors, and it's so pretty, but he's putting on his haughty face and they both know it's just a charade. Because its so sweet, it's devotion and earnestness filling him, because Blaine, who loves him, who kisses him like his lips are water and chocolate and love, just called him honey.
Blaine is touching him again without realizing, running a gentle finger over the rounded curve of Kurt's knee, "First of all, we're both teenage boy,so I'm not even sure how you managed to use that as an argument for me being a sex fiend and you not being ready or something…so…moving past that." He takes a deep breath, trying to barrel through embarrassment and just be honest and present because he maybe doesn't know much, but Blaine is pretty sure that being able to talk to each other about this is the only thing that's going to get them through it, "For the record, I'm 100% a virgin. I don't know where you'd get the idea that I wouldn't be…I mean you know you're my first boyfriend. I've kissed a guy before, but that's it." He's trying to catch Kurt's eye, hearing his boyfriends little sigh.
"Kurt…I don't want you to be scared or worried about me expecting anything, and god knows I would never pressure you do to anything you aren't ready for. And I promise, the only thing you could do in this situation that would disappoint me, is if you didn't tell me when you aren't comfortable or ready for something." Kurt twitches a shoulder, understanding and assent, still looking down, tracing lace patterns on the back of Blain's hands, which are tracing circles into the denim of Kurt's jeans. "The truth is, is that I'm not ready for a lot of stuff either. I'm scared and nervous and I have no idea what I'm doing. Wanting things, or…fantasizing," he almost chokes on the word, forcing himself to finish this out "About…stuff...it isn't the same thing as being ready for it. So when I asked if you trusted me, I guess I just meant, like, trusted me to love you and take care of you and not push you." Kurt is looking at him in a whole different way, open and not at all guarded and Blaine knows that he sounds as young as he feels in this moment. "I want us to trust each other, to talk when things get scary, and not to freak out if one of us accidentally crosses a boundary the other isn't ready for."
And it must have been Finn coming in, and Kurt has to have known, maybe that is why he was listening, because he's unfolded and moving. Blaine's lap and hands and mouth are full of Kurt smell and Kurt taste, apologies and eagerness and the firm smooth pull of muscle under what feels like forty five layers of clothing. And this, just this, is all Blaine needs for now, nothing more or less, no pushing or pressuring, just this sweet, delicate moment full of boy and lust and yes, just so so much yes.