Early the next morning, Nikolas saddled up Sheeba and headed for a dawn ride to clear his mind. He had tried to sleep but peaceful rest had eluded him after leaving Nadine so abruptly at her apartment. He knew that he would have to explain eventually what had happened, but he wanted time to process it first. Moving on from losing Emily was still so hard, and there were moments sometimes that just crept up on him unexpectedly. Twirling Nadine around the Metrocourt ballroom last night had been one of those instances. He hadn't meant to push her away like that, but the entire situation became overwhelming when he heard that song.
Closing his eyes, Nikolas urged his beloved horse forward and headed for a quiet corner of the woods where he often went to think. He'd had his groundskeeper put in a bench there shortly after Emily had died because it was his place to go and think about her. No one really knew it existed outside the staff, and he liked it that way. Even though he needed to maintain that he was moving forward with his life, it was nice to reflect on the past. He liked being able to think about the woman he had loved so much. Now, as he headed there, his mind wasn't on his lost fiancée. The only thing he could think about was the disappointed look in Nadine's clear blue eyes when he had pushed her away. He had seen the unshed tears. They still haunted him hours later.
Nikolas chided himself silently as he dismounted his mare and tied her securely to a hitching post near the bench. He had closed his eyes when he was dancing with Nadine, allowing his mind to drift off to a place where the past had never happened. He didn't have to think about anyone else but her in his arms at that moment. However, hearing the opening crescendo of that fated song had changed all that. Flashes of Emily had hit him all at once, exploding like tiny little bombs that slowly killed his soul. He could see the radiant smile on her face as they twirled around the tiled ballroom. He could feel the cool metal of her new engagement ring against his fingers as they held onto each other tightly. He could hear the swishing of her white skirt as they moved together as one. He could remember everything about that dance to a point where it became real again. Having Nadine in his arms had suddenly felt like betrayal of the worst kind.
Of course, rather than explain any of that to Nadine, Nikolas had recoiled and reacted rashly. His first instinct when anything got too emotional was to put as much distance between himself and the situation as possible. Even if it meant hurting someone else, he would stop at nothing to rid his heart of such pain. He knew he had handled poorly, but at the time, it seemed like the only way. How could he explain that he felt like he was cheating on a ghost with her? The sad thing was that Nikolas knew that Nadine would understand. She would give him the time and a shoulder to cry on. She'd set aside however she was feeling to help him through it. However, he hadn't given her that opportunity. He had broken her heart instead.
A part of him felt a little relieved that she had finally seen this part of him, the part he had promised would eventually break her heart. While he would never want to hurt her on purpose, Nikolas knew that he was a Cassadine and that was what his family did. They hurt the people around them, usually the people that they loved most. His deranged uncle had done that with his mother. Helena had done it to him repeatedly. Alexis repeated the same sick pattern with Ned for too many years. Emily had been the subject of a few bitter attacks from Nikolas, and now he was repeating the same mistake on Nadine. He hadn't been able to break the cycle the last time, but he wanted for this to be different. He needed for this to be different. If he ever had any hope of being truly happy again, he would have to let her in. He would have to let her all the way in, to the darkest corners of his heart far too scary for the common woman.
Pulling out his cell phone, Nikolas dialed a number from memory. When a sleepy little boy answered, he asked for his brother and waited patiently as Cameron handed the phone over to Lucky. "Nikolas, is everything okay? Is it Lulu?" Lucky's gruff questions came, his voice still thick with sleep. "What time is it anyway?"
"It's early, sorry that I woke you up," he apologized. "Lulu's fine, but I'm not." That confession alone was a big step for Nikolas. He rarely admitted that things were less than perfect. It was his responsibility to uphold a strong visage that he was always in total control. Even with his family, Nikolas was reluctant to admit his shortcomings. Yet, this was one situation that he knew he couldn't handle on his own. "I really need to see you."
Lucky didn't ask any questions as they quickly made plans to meet at the gazebo in Rice Park. It was a special place for both of them, the site of many rendezvous with the great loves of their lives. Nikolas had a memorable snow fight with Emily there once, and Lucky had danced with Elizabeth beneath those twinkling lights as they were falling in love the second time. It was a place of beginnings for both of them, and now, Nikolas wanted it to be a place of goodbyes. He wanted to put Emily behind him as much as he ever would, and the only person who would understand was their mutual best friends. After hanging up with his brother, Nikolas called Elizabeth and asked her for the same thing. It was time to say goodbye once and for all.
Meanwhile, across town, Nadine was huddled in her window seat, overlooking the sparkling harbor a few blocks away. Her perfect dress hung limply on a hanger on the back of her bedroom door. She hated the site of that dress and all the disappointment that it now represented. She hated how she had let him drop her off without saying a word about how she felt. She hated how empty she felt now that he had pushed her away once again. She hated pretty much everything about this day.
It wasn't like her to feel so down, but there was no coming back from the heartbreak of last night. She knew that she would get over it eventually, but as for her potential romance with Nikolas, a stupid dance had sent it screeching to the ground in flames. He hadn't told her what it was about that moment that got to him, but she knew that it had something to do with Emily. All roads led back to Emily. It was hard to compete with someone that wasn't there and even harder to be angry with him for still grieving over his dead fiancée. Nadine wanted so much to be selfish but she couldn't She actually understood where he was coming from. It didn't mean that it hurt any less.
Pulling the plaid blanket up around her shoulders, she contemplated getting up to make some tea and toast but she decided that she wasn't hungry. She had barely slept at all. The naïve dreamer in her had actually sat next to the phone for a few hours, praying that he would call with an apology or at least an explanation. When she had finally realized that the call was never going to come, she had cried so hard that she had nearly lost her ability to breathe. After the tears had come the sappy songs about heartache and unrequited love, which set off another round of body-wracking sobs. All the emotion had left little time to sleep. It just didn't seem to matter as much when she was feeling so empty and alone. Nadine had been on the verge of having something truly amazing with a man that she might possibly already love, and it had all been swept away from her because of one damn song.
Padding across the floor, she retrieved her cell phone from her clutch bag, which she had tossed underneath her bed in a fit of rage when she got home. She scanned the list of missed calls, noting that they were mostly from her girlfriends. They were probably curious to see how the dream date had gone, but she just didn't have the courage or the energy to admit the truth. She just wanted to feel sorry for herself. Deciding that misery loved company, she dialed the only person she knew that was as well versed on unrequited love as she was.
"Hey, can you meet me at Kelly's for breakfast?" she asked as soon as the person on the other end of the line answered. The first smile in many hours came to her face as she made plans with her friends. They agreed to meet in an hour, giving her just enough time to drag her tired body to the shower to wash off the mascara smudges from last night's tears.
By the time Elizabeth finally showed up with a sleeping Jake in her arms, Nikolas was almost hyper with anticipation. This was a big decision for him, and he just wanted it to be over. He had said goodbye to her too many times, but this time really felt like it was final. He'd still go to her when he really needed to think about things, but it was time to quit relying so much on Emily's memory. Nikolas needed to stand on his own two feet for the first time in years and not think about what she would want for him. He needed to find what he wanted for himself and Spencer. "Thanks for coming," he told his former sister-in-law as he kissed her on the cheek in greeting. Lucky took his son from his ex-wife and brushed his lips over the downy hairs on top of his head.
"Alright, Big Brother, it's ridiculously early on a Sunday morning, and you dragged Elizabeth, Jake and me from sleep to call us here," Lucky sighed sleepily as he paced the gazebo. "Why did you bring us to the park?"
Elizabeth stood next to Lucky, rubbing her hand along Jake's back as he fussed a little from fighting sleep. "Thank goodness Lesley is staying with Lucky, otherwise we would have had to contend with Cam too," she smiled warmly to Nikolas. She knew that whatever had brought them out at this early hour was incredibly important to her friend. "It's nice though, the three of us being here. This was one of Em's favorite places in the world. She'd like that we are here."
"She would," Nikolas concurred as he leaned against the railing. "She's actually kind of why we are here. I need to say goodbye to Emily. I know that we had a funeral for her, and I have mourned at her gravesite in the Quartermaine crypt. My mind has always known these things rationally, but my heart has never really let go. It's time to let go."
Lucky took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He had heard Nikolas say things like this before, but they had never really seemed authentic until now. He meant what he was saying, and Lucky knew why he meant it now. Nadine had changed him in the same way that Emily had changed him many years ago. "It's okay, Nikolas, she would want you to move on with your life," he prodded his brother supportively. "Emily loved you enough to set you free. She would want you to find love again. I know that you have her blessing."
Elizabeth went over to Nikolas and looped her arm through his. "Emily always felt so incredibly lucky to have the love that you gave to her. She never quite understood how you could love her so deeply. She'd want another woman to know the blessing of having your heart. She would want someone else to experience the same joy and splendor that she did. I don't know anyone who deserves that more than Nadine."
"I care about her so much," Nikolas confessed as he ran his free hand through his hair. "I thought that I was ready last night, but I wasn't. I needed to do this first. We were dancing at the Metrocourt when the string quartet played the last song that Emily and I ever danced to. They had no clue what that song meant to me. Neither did Nadine. Instead of trying to tell her, I just pushed her away. I hate myself for what I did to her. I just want to go back…"
"You can't go back, Nikolas, we know that better than anyone," Elizabeth reminded him gently. "You can only take what you have learned and make sure that you don't repeat those same mistakes again. I know that Nadine cares about you. If you just go to her and tell her this, I'm pretty sure that she will forgive you. You just need to know that you can't push her away when things hurt too much. There are going to be times when you are going to miss Emily so much that you can barely breathe, you know that. The thing that makes it different now is that you have someone to help you get through it. Nadine is strong enough to be there for you. You just have to let her."
It was oddly comforting to have Liz tell him the exact same things he had thought about earlier in the woods. It was like she was reaffirming that his need to move on was justified. It was okay to let Emily go. "Maybe Emily sent me that song to show me that I need to do this," he thought aloud. "Maybe that was her way of telling me that it was okay to let go."
Shifting Jake to his other arm, Lucky walked closer to his brother. "Even if she didn't send that song, Emily has sent Liz and me to tell you. Nikolas, it is okay to let go. I knew her better than anyone in the world. I have no doubts that this is exactly what she would want for you. She'd want you to share your life with someone as amazing as Nadine. She'd want Spencer to have a mother. I've seen the way you smile at that blonde nurse. You care about her. Let yourself feel these things. It's going to be worth all of this in the end."
"It already is," Nikolas acknowledged, a brief smile crossing his lips as he remembered how beautiful Nadine had looked when he'd picked her up. He felt like a fool. He had used his family name as a crutch, an easy-out to explain why he had treated her like he had. He had used his love for Emily as a way to not have to move on. He had a million excuses for why he had done what he had done, but they meant nothing. He had been wrong, and now, he just needed to find a way to make things right again. It wouldn't be as simple as a lavish dinner or a surprise trip to Europe. This would require the hardest thing in the world for Nikolas to find – the right words.
As Nikolas confided in Elizabeth and Lucky at the park, Nadine was confessing her secrets to a friend of her own. Although she hadn't known him long, she had felt an immediate connection to Spinelli since the night of the Black & White Ball. They were both highly intelligent in their selected professions, slightly awkward in many social situations, incredibly prone to relentless rambling when they got too nervous or overly emotional and forever falling for people that would never want them back. "I just didn't understand, Spinelli. Everything was so perfect and then he just threw it all away as if it didn't matter, as if I didn't matter."
Reaching out, Spinelli covered his friend's hand with his own. "Noble Nurse Nadine, you do matter," he emphasized. "The Blonde One's Brooding Brother is still suffering from the not-so-secret pain of losing Stone Cold's sister. Like you, Noble Emily was someone who would be hard to get over. I happened to have carried quite a torch for the Blonde One. I know that family is hard to get over, but I don't think that you will have to. I truly believe that Prince Nikolas might be your Maximista. Neither of you just see it yet."
Nadine wanted to tell her friend that she did in fact see it (whatever it was) with Nikolas, but there would be no point. It would only make her situation that much more pathetic. She knew how right it was, and she knew how wrong he thought it was. "I don't want to be his friend, Spinelli. It might be good enough for you and Maxie, but I can't do it. I want more than that with Nikolas. Somewhere in his heart, I know that he wants me too. He just won't let himself fall for me."
"Is it possible that he feels like he might be afraid of losing you too?" Spinelli proposed. "Is it possible that he feels like he might be betraying her memory? Is it possible that he feels like he could hurt you? There are a lot of things at play here, my sweet friend. Prince Nikolas is a careful soul. Give him time. He will come around."
"I wish I could be as sure as you are," she muttered as she took a long sip of her coffee. "I could have handled it if he had told me that he was thinking about her. I could have handled holding his hand while he cried. I could have handled him yelling at them for playing the song. I could have handled pretty much anything. The only thing I couldn't take was having him shut down again. I can't keep putting myself through this. I can't give him all of me and only get part of him in return."
Brushing his hair out of his eyes, Spinelli shook his head. "I hardly think the Brooding Brother would expect you to receive a part of his heart. In fact, I don't think he would have become enamored with you unless he truly wanted to give you all of himself. He just needs to find out a way to do that, Noble Nadine. As much as it sucks, you need to give him time. I know how hard it is, I do it everyday with the Fair Maximista. However, I have faith that one day she will see in me what I see in her. You just have to believe."
Nadine couldn't help but hum a few bars of "Have a Little Faith in Me" as she contemplated her friend's words. Spinelli was right. She needed to have a little more faith in the connection she shared with Nikolas. He had hurt her terribly last night, but it wasn't bad enough that she was willing to throw everything else that she felt. There was still a lot of good there. She hadn't spoke up last night, and it was time that she finally came clean with everything that she was feeling. He needed to know about her fears. It wouldn't be as easy as it had been to tell Spinelli. This would require the hardest thing in the world for Nadine to find – the right words.