"I'm sorry that I haven't been by to visit you in awhile. I have a million excuses I could give you, but none of them seem quite good enough." Nikolas brushed his hands over the cool metal surface as he contemplated his confession, wondering what she would say if she could say something back. He could see her radiant smile in his mind, the one that had caused men to fight for her heart and risk their lives for her love. Now, she was reduced to a series of memories cemented into his brain and this sad and depressing place where life stood still. "There are some things I guess I just need you to know."
Tracing his fingers of the careful script of her name, Nikolas tried to remember the last time he had come to the Quartermaine crypt. It was probably in the spring when he had dropped off fresh gardenia and roses from Lila's garden. They had been the first blooms of the season. So much had changed in such a short time. He had been angry at the world then, determined to exhaust his body to the point that he would be unable to recover from whatever medical miracles Patrick Drake could come up with. Emily would have hated Nikolas for giving up. She would have loved Nadine for not letting him. At least that could bring him a little peace.
"You know, everyone kept telling me that you would want me to be happy, but the only thing I could think about was that I had been happy. I had an amazing life with you, Em. I wouldn't have traded all the memories that we shared for anything, not even the bad ones. They made us who we were," he said as he rested his palm flat against her nameplate. "Another part of me felt guilty. How could I be happy when I didn't have you? I never thought I would be able to be happy alone, let alone with someone else. That's all changed when I started to see Nadine – I mean, really see her."
An intimate smile crept onto Nikolas' face as he thought about the woman in his life. A month ago, he would have never come here to talk to Emily about Nadine. He wouldn't have allowed anyone other than his lost love to be on his mind when he came here. However, letting Nadine into his heart had reminded him that Emily had been his friend first. She had loved him even before either of them really understood what that meant. He had finally accepted what everyone had been trying to tell him for a long time. Emily would want him to move on. Letting her go at the park had been the first step toward building a life with Nadine. Bringing her here was going to be the next.
"She's waiting for me in the car. She thought that I should have a few minutes alone with you first. Can you believe that? I know it's hard for her sometimes when I talk about you, but she always listens. She knows what you meant to be and wants to be apart of my grief. Having her there helps so much. She actually finds a way to make it okay," he tried to explain. Emily had understood a lot about Nikolas, but there were things that even she didn't quite comprehend. Those were the things that came easily to Nadine. They were different in that way. They both saw different things in him worth loving. "I'm going to get her now. She needs to see this place, to see me here. There are a lot of places I still want to take her. I want for her to know my life. You were a big part of that for a very long time, the biggest part really."
Pressing a kiss to his fingertips, he laid his hand on her nameplate one final time before pulling his coat tightly around his body and heading toward the parking lot. His dark town car was idling in one of the spaces nearest to the tree-lined path that led to the Quartermaines' private crypt. As he neared the vehicle, a bundled Nadine popped out of the car and jogged toward him. Her cornstalk blonde hair was tucked neatly beneath a striped stocking cap, a matching scarf wrapped around her neck. It was unusually cold for September, and Nikolas loved how innocent and cute she looked in her cozy garb. She slipped her mittened hand in his when she reached him and leaned up to kiss him briefly. "That was quick," she declared as he pulled back. Nikolas smiled genuinely and framed her beautiful face in his hands. "Are you sure about this?"
Nikolas nodded silently as he leaned in to kiss her again. "I know what I am doing," he promised. "I'm not saying that this is going to be easy, but I know that it's the right thing." Squeezing her hand, he started to guide her back down the sidewalk toward the brick building hidden deeper into the grove of oak and elm trees. Leaves crunched beneath their boots as a gentle breeze whipped around them. "I've never brought anyone here before other than Spencer, and I don't think he really knows what is going on. He barely remembers Emily, and I think most of those memories come from photographs and stories."
Ducking beneath a low branch, Nadine smiled up at Nikolas. She understood how much this meant not only to him but them as a couple. He was slowly finding ways to let her into his life. "What is your favorite memory of Emily?" she asked. "I'm sure there are a lot of tiny little moments that you remember, so tell me something about her."
Closing his eyes for a moment, Nikolas tried to focus his mind on one story that would explain who Emily was or why he had loved her. Nadine was right, there were so many things he could share about Emily with her. "Emily always knew that we were connected, long before I thought of her as more than anything but a friend. Back when she was in high school, I didn't even consider her my best friend. I definitely cared about her but not anymore than I did Elizabeth or Lucky," he remembered. "When she came back from California, all of that changed. My life had been a mess those past few years, especially after I broke up with Gia. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, but we just ended up hurting each other in the end."
Nadine had only heard brief mentions of Nikolas' former fiancée. He had been engaged many times if the gossip around the hospital was true, but Gia was one of the few that most agreed had truly mattered to the Cassadine prince. She knew that the woman had been the sister of a former detective as well as a model. Nikolas had always had a thing for beautiful women apparently, and Nadine couldn't help but feel a little mousy in comparison. She was far from model material, but under his watchful gaze, she always felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. That was his gift – transforming the ordinary into something exquisite. Even if it was only a figure of her imagination or a distorted way of thinking, it was real to Nadine.
"The thing I didn't know at the time was that Emily had come back to Port Charles because she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. You know that already, but what you don't know is that she didn't come home to me, at least not at first. She actually married another man. I don't know if you've heard about Zander, but he was Emily's first husband and the biological father to Cameron," Nikolas explained. "That's not really important. What's important was that I still didn't know that I loved Emily. It took nearly losing her for me to understand what she meant to me."
"Go on," she prodded as they stopped outside the entrance of the building. Nikolas looked up at her and smiled, grateful that she was so eager to help him remember. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to think about that dreadful night when he had almost lost her the first time. As hard as that night had been, it had changed everything. The course of his life had changed completely after they had shared that dream. "Please, Nikolas, I want to know. I can tell this matters so much to you."
He led her over to a wrought iron bench and sat down. Turning toward her, he never let go of her hand. He stared into her eyes for a moment, feeling a serenity wash over him that had become commonplace since the night he had shown up outside her apartment door. "Things got really bad with Em, and we were sure one night that she wasn't going to make it. I'd fallen completely in love with her by then, but I hadn't really told anyone. She didn't even know yet, at least not for sure," he told her. "But that night, both of us realized what we had been trying so hard to fight. She didn't want to hurt Zander, and I didn't want to put anymore pressure on her. After that night, we couldn't deny it anymore."
"That's the night your love saved Emily, isn't it?" Nikolas had only spoken of it once, when he had been near death in the hospital. He had spoken of Emily often during the darkest days, and Nadine had listened patiently to him.
"Yeah, it was," he answered finally. "Emily and I had the same dream that night. She told me later on that she could literally feel my love for her from the other side of the wall. I'm not sure if that's true, but it's a beautiful thought nonetheless. She always said that having me there saved her. She saved me a million times after that in a million different ways, but I got to be her knight in shining armor first." A single tear drifted down Nadine's cheek, and Nikolas reached down to wipe it away with the pad of his thumb. "Now, we'll have none of those."
Nadine pressed her forehead to his, her breath shallow as it tickled his chin. "Kiss me," she implored, her hands tangling in his short locks. Nikolas wasn't sure what had drawn her into such an insistent moment, but he obliged her with a long kiss as he held onto her tightly. "You are an amazing man, Nikolas Cassadine."
"Only you would hear me talk about loving another woman and see something good in me," he smiled affectionately at her as he traced his fingers down her jaw line. "Thank you for not asking me to forget Emily. I'm glad that you're willing to help me remember. It helps more than I could ever tell you."
"You're welcome," she retorted as she rested her head against his shoulder. "I like knowing what made you the man that you are. All of these stories brought you here to me in this moment. I am grateful to Emily for helping you become this incredible guy. I hate that you had to go through the pain of losing her, but I'm not sorry that I found you."
Neither of them said anything for a long time until a clap of thunder sounded somewhere in the distance. "A storm is coming," Nikolas frowned as he stood up. He pulled a key back from his pocket and opened the door to usher Nadine into the safety of the building. "Emily, I want you to meet Nadine," he announced as they walked over to her nameplate. "There are some things I should tell you about her. I think that Nadine and you would have been friends. That's one of the things that first attracted me to her."
He turned away from Nadine slightly as he talked to the ghost of someone who was no longer there. "She's also very different from you. You were always calm and collected, known as the reasonable Quartermaine. Nadine tends to get wrapped up in the moment and ramble when she's nervous. I used to find it unsettling but now I love it. She didn't know that but I guess now she does."
"The biggest thing you have in common though is the ability to see the best in me. You did it long before anyone saw anything in me other than a snobby prince who didn't understand even the most basic American customs," he continued. "With Nadine, she saw someone that she wouldn't give up on. Apparently, she thought I was worth fighting with and fighting for. I hated her for it at the time but now I am eternally grateful."
Sliding her arm around Nikolas' waist, Nadine listened to him talk so openly and honestly about her. "The most important reason I brought her to here today is because there is something I wanted to tell both of you," he admitted. He turned slightly and looked at Nadine before continuing. All of his words up until now had been directed to his old love but these words were meant for his new love and hopefully his last love. "I saved you once, Em, but Nadine saved me. I'm here today because of her."
It was Nikolas' turn for tears to shine in his dark eyes. Nadine didn't make a move to wipe them away. She allowed them to come. Finally, when he began to openly sob much like he had that night in her doorway, she leaned up on her very tiptoes and kissed away the salty drops from his warm skin. She understood that he had said everything that he had come there to say. He had gotten it all out for now. "Let's go home," she murmured into his ear as she looped her arm through his and pulled him toward the door. She reached into his coat pocket and retrieved the key to lock the building behind them. Nikolas allowed her to put him back into the car and to hold him as he cried silently all the way back to the launch.
By the time they were headed halfway across the harbor, he had collected himself enough to apologize for getting so emotional. Nadine had dismissed it immediately, confiding that she was truly happy that they had gone there today. When they finally reached Spoon Island, Nikolas helped her from the small watercraft and resumed his place as the chivalrous man determined to help her. "Spencer is gone again. He's spending the day with Bobbie," he explained as they came into the warm entryway of Wyndamere. "I knew that today was probably going to be emotionally. I didn't want him to see me like this. I don't really want anyone to see me like this actually, but I feel like it's okay with you."
Nadine smiled appreciatively as she poured them both a cup of coffee from the silver service set Alfred had laid out for them in the sitting room. Nikolas wandered over to the fireplace and easily lit a sizable flame in the grand hearth before accepting the mug from her. They both ambled over to the sofa and sprawled out, their shoes discarded on the ground and a blanket spread over their laps. "I like being here with you like this," Nadine mused as she rested her feet in his lap. Nikolas sat down his coffee to begin the slow but sensual process of rubbing her feet. "It's so comfortable. I feel at home."
"Good," he retorted as he wiggled her toes. "I want you to know that I appreciate how slow you've let me take this relationship. I know that it's been hard at times. Knowing that you understand and support me helps so much. Having you there today…Nadine, I just want you to know what that meant."
"I do," she assured him as she swung her legs from his lap and crawled up beside him. Nikolas pressed her cheek to his as they watched the shadows of the flames dance across the walls. "Someday I want you to go with me to Texas to see where I grew up and where my parents are buried. I think that it's the only way I can really show you where I came from. Being home explains why I am the way I am, I guess. I haven't been there in so long. I miss it."
Rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, he kept his eyes focused on the shadows waltzing for their entertainment. "Tell me what you miss."
"Well, there is the obvious. I miss my parents and my aunt and all of the kids that I grew up. I had so many friends at home, people I had literally known all my life. We used to have these crazy parties in the fields. Gosh, it was so great growing up there," she gushed. "There are little things that I miss, too. I miss the Friday night lights of the first home football game at my old high school. I miss the smell of burning leaves drifting in through my windows when I'm trying to go to sleep. I miss putting wildflowers in my windowsill and seeing old men in overalls outside the bait shop. I miss my aunt's blackberry pie, hearing my mom sing to herself while she fried bacon in the morning or the way my dad would hug me so completely with his whole body. I miss gossiping with my sister in the dark from our beds in the room we shared. I miss so much, but I guess the thing I have missed so much is the feeling that all those things give me. I've missed the sense of home."
Turning slowly toward her, Nikolas searched her eyes for the underlying meaning that he knew was there. She had said so much, but there was still a lot going unsaid. "And now?"
"I don't miss it in the same way anymore," she professed. "My sense of home has changed. Texas will always be where I came from. It's apart of my soul. However, as much as I love it there, it's not where I belong. It's not where my life is. All of that is here in Port Charles now. My career, my friends, my apartment, you…"
"You're home, you know that," he assured her as he ran his hands up and down her bare arms. Nadine nodded hesitantly, her eyes hazy but full of emotion. "I mean it, Nadine. To me, home isn't some place, it's someone. You're at home with me. I want Spencer and me to be your home."