Blair sighs when she wakes up and feels Serena's arm on her. She doesn't want to open her eyes and look at Serena, because the fact that they almost had sex last night, (almost, for the second time), feels like it's eating her up inside, and as long as she lies here and her eyes are closed, she can almost forget. She can feel the blonde's arm resting on her stomach, and part of her wishes Serena would hold her tighter, but part of her wishes the opposite. She slowly and carefully rolls out from under Serena's arm, getting off the bed and going to take a shower. She feels like she needs to wash the smell of Serena off her, wash of all the empty promises and kisses they shared with each other.
Blair doesn't remember what guy it was this time. Tony, or Tommy, something like that. It wasn't nearly as bad as when it was Nate, because then Serena had came and stayed for two straight days, and Blair had to get her heart broken for 48 hours instead of 24. And Blair also remembers when it was Dan, when Serena was so broken and vulnerable that she pressed her lips to the brunette's in an unfamiliar, fevered way that Blair had not at all been ready to deal with.
Blair wishes that for just one time, Serena will want to kiss her because she loves her.
She's dazed in the shower, and she knows that she needs to snap out of it. She's Blair Waldorf, for God's sake. She doesn't need to be feelings jealous of anybody. But all Blair can ever think about is how Serena is willing to fall in love with all sorts of different guys, taking for granted the fact that her best friend will always be there. It upsets Blair, because all she's ever wanted is Serena's love. She wants to be the only one, the one who comes first.
Blair turns the water off, because she figures she's not getting clean anyway while she stares at the shower wall.
She's confused. She never wanted to love Serena more than a friend, never thought she would or could. But she knows that Serena being with tons of other guys hurts her way more than it should, and now she's confused as to how she should tell her best friend that she's madly in love with her. And then Blair thinks, wait, hold on a minute. What the fuck is going on?
Blair's not gay. She's not.
She comes out of the bathroom, loosely wrapping a towel around herself. She's not trying to hide anything, because Serena's seen it all already, and Blair needs some aspect of persuasion if she ever wants Serena to love her like she wants to be loved. Serena's sitting up in the bed when Blair returns, and Blair gives her sort of a half-grimace, a smile but not.
"Hey," says Serena softly, giving Blair a dazzling smile. Blair goes to sit beside her and Serena tugs her closer, pressing a kiss into Blair's hair. "Thanks for being there last night."
Blair bites back what she wants to snap, how she wants to point out that she's always here for Serena, and always will be, without getting anything in return.
"I love you, B," Serena whispers, her voice hoarse and meaningful, but Blair wants it to mean more.
"I love you too, S," Blair replies, spitting out the standard answer. Even if she didn't love Serena, she would probably say it back anyway. She's become accustomed to it. She opens her mouth to say something, but then stops abruptly. She wants to know why Serena doesn't love her the same way she loves Serena, but that's not exactly something you can just ask someone.
"What's wrong?" asks Serena, her brow wrinkling in confusion.
"Nothing, it's just…" Blair takes a deep breath. A very, very deep breath, because she's not quite sure what to say. She's tired of keeping this love and affection in her heart, and she feels like she might burst. "What guy are you going to go to this time?"
"What's that mean?"
"Serena…" She doesn't want to insult her. But can't Serena notice how she throws herself at every guy remotely interested in her, and then at least one heart always gets broken?
"Are you trying to say I'm a whore?" asks Serena, because when you're dealing with Blair it's custom to assume the worst.
"No. I don't like seeing you hurt, S," Blair replies, her voice the softest that Serena's ever heard it. Blair reaches for her hand and Serena notices something in the brunette's eyes, but she's not sure what it is, and it's gone before she can contemplate it further.
"I'll be okay," Serena says, a tad bravely. Because she really doesn't need Blair to pity her, or anything.
"You'll get tired of it someday," Blair tells her, her chocolate eyes dropping to stare at the bed sheets. She untangles her hand from Serena's and begins to pick at a loose thread in the bedding absentmindedly. "You'll just keep getting hurt over and over, and eventually you won't be able to take it. I don't want that to happen to you Serena."
"It won't," soothes Serena, wondering why she's the one doing the soothing in the first place. "It's no big deal, Blair. I just haven't found the right guy. I'm gonna keep trying though, until it happens. It's got to happen."
Blair doesn't want to disagree. But she thinks that maybe the one for Serena isn't a guy, but her best friend who would never, ever break her heart.
"I have to go," Serena says suddenly. Blair glances up at her quickly, desperately, grabbing her by the arm so that she can't get up.
"No, stay. I didn't mean to make you mad."
"I'm not mad. I just have to go. I promised Nate I would meet him for lunch."
Blair's stomach clenches as she stares at Serena. Nate doesn't deserve her, but yet Serena is offering herself to him for the millionth time. Blair just doesn't get it. "Why do you have to meet him for lunch?" Blair asks, because the thought of it is already beginning to kill her.
"He just called, while you were in the shower. We talked and we…we decided that we're going to give us another shot. He sounded so sweet and sincere, B. I think I've really loved him all along."
"What about Tony?" Blair asks, because she's confused as shit. Serena sure does bounce back fast.
"It was Toby. And he just wasn't the one for me." Serena smiles, and Blair knows that smile. It was the mushy, sappy one she got whenever she thought about her current man of the moment.
Blair might as well kill herself right now.
"I've just missed Nate so much. We apologized, and I think it can really work out this time. I'm so excited Blair!"
"Me too," agrees Blair, but her voice is dull and uncaring. She's such a masochist. Why had she fallen in love with Serena when she knew it would keep making her hurt like this?
Serena stands up gracefully and swiftly, her blonde hair swinging as she leans to kiss Blair. It's a poorly aimed cheek kiss, and Blair's heart flutters when Serena's lips brush just to the left of her own.
"Bye, B," Serena says softly, smiling down at Blair with this huge grin, like Blair is just a freakin' saint and Serena can't be more appreciative of her. "Thanks a lot. I'll call you later, okay?" She places a hand on Blair's shoulder and squeezes it softly, smiling again, and for once Blair wishes Serena wasn't so much of a toucher.
"Kay," she replies vaguely, having trouble looking Serena in the eye. She's never wanted her so badly. She watches as Serena slips out her bedroom door quietly, and leaves to go get hurt again. And here Blair will be, ready to fix Serena's heart as soon as Serena realizes it's cracked.
Blair is so gay.