Author's Notes: I have a couple of side projects going on/brewing, but I think for the moment I'd like to refocus a bit of my energy on my two primary goals, which are Ebony and Ivory and Crimson Twilight (the latter of which is at the moment, an FFN exclusive.) I feel that the exploration I've been undertaking into recent smaller endeavors has been good, but that at the same time, I need to finish some of my initial ideas before I get too incredibly distracted. I hope to update EaI sequentially for some time now.
So I have been dropping off teasers for an upcoming AU called "Kingdom of Dawn" which will feature Shadow as a medieval style soldier (not a knight) in a fantasy style environment. For those of you who think this sounds interesting, I hope you'll be able to trade it for more frequent updates to EaI for now.
~Myz
Chapter 11- Shadow Gets Some Dating Advice
To the mind that functions much akin to a computer, nothing is more strange – nothing more dually confusing and wonderful, than raw emotion. Shadow possessed one such mind, an orderly, powerful, analytic psyche that well understood all concrete information, but struggled in the realm of the intangible and abstract.
He was inclined to introspection, and often found himself sitting on what had come to be 'his' couch, and pondering. Sometimes he would think of his missions and their related variables. In the end, the equations always added up neatly. Others he would consider his handful of friends, and the future he held. Here, his arithmetic was not so solid, but it was concise enough to satisfy him. Lastly, and more prevalently, he found his thoughts drifting idly to his partner Rouge. He wondered, and puzzled over precisely what they were to each other, and where it was going from there.
But try as he might, it made no sense to him; the variables didn't add up, and he was left without answers or even clues, like a blind man who tries to imagine a picture, grasping at oblivion fruitlessly.
Thudding steps announced the approach of his robotic companion, who came and stood silently in front of him, as if considering him very thoughtfully.
"Omega, you can analyze the hormones and chemicals released by an organism to judge and classify their emotional reactions, right?" he had seen him use the ability before, but he thought it better to bring it up first before making his true request.
"Inquiry correct, this unit is adequately equipped. State your purpose for said inquiry," he chimed in reply, seeming to see through the façade effortlessly.
"Well, I was wondering if you'd perform an analysis of my… emotional reaction to Rouge," he said with difficulty as he coughed with mild embarrassment.
Omega appeared somewhat perplexed. 'Shadow is making inquiry. Proceed with next phase of Operation: Matchmaker. Due course of action = refer Shadow to Ally: Sonic.'
He nodded, and responded almost with sly satisfaction, "For this unit to proceed with analysis, it is necessary for you to produce thoughts of the person in question."
Again, Shadow coughed slightly, but complied with Omega's request as the robot completed the scan.
"Most peculiar…" Omega trailed off, deliberately baiting Shadow.
"What is it? Is it bad?" he asked in worried anticipation.
"This data… is indecipherable. The various symptoms of your hormonal glands seem to contradict each other. I'm afraid no scientific analysis is possible."
"But I need some answers. I need to know what it is I'm feeling… what I should do! What should I do?" he asked almost pitifully, looking as if he'd arrived at his wits end.
Omega was grinning inwardly. "My prognosis is that you should seek the advice of another flesh-sack, one more experienced in understanding the behavior of lifeforms."
"Asking Rouge is out of the question, that would only make things… stranger," he said to himself.
"Perhaps the blue hedgehog could assist you?" Omega suggested innocently.
"The moron?" he replied distastefully, as he began to consider the proposition. "Now that you mention it, he does have more social experience than I. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to try."
Omega's inward grin widened, but he said nothing. Shadow stood and walked slowly toward the door, as if he dreaded every step closer he came to asking Sonic advice.
"I'll be back… whenever," he said morosely as he stood at the doorway, as if he were dying inside from being reduced to seeking the blue speedster's aid.
He was gone in a moment.
"Phase 2: Complete. Primary objectives: Compete," he stated with almost lifelike pride and satisfaction.
"Um, what objectives, Omega?" came the curious and slightly suspicious voice of Rouge from behind him.
"Objective… top secret," he responded before lumbering off, leaving her staring her staring quizzically after him.
Shadow stood frozen upon Sonic's doormat, wrestling with inner confliction. Asking for his rival's advice was like admitting that he was superior, and his pride screamed at him not to even consider it. At the same time, he couldn't help but be conscious of his own ignorance in the subject, and he recognized that he needed help.
He was at an impasse.
Once or twice his hand extended toward the door as if to knock, but he jerked it back at the last second each time with a look of disgust clearly written on his face. The scenery surrounding him seemed to stop and watch, as if the cotton ball clouds understood his problem, or the swirling autumn leaves sympathized. The pavement listened in, and blades of grass seemed to bend towards him in curiosity.
He sighed and reached for the knob one final time, but before his fingers could clasp over it, it darted away from him. Backwards though space it heaved, opening in front of him to reveal the taunting smirk of his friendly rival.
"Oh, hey Shadow. What's up?" Sonic said cheerfully, smugly, and without the faintest hint of surprise, suggesting that perhaps he'd been well aware of both Shadow's intention of coming, and that he'd been standing on the porch for quite some time.
"Well, I was just… in the neighborhood, and I thought- " he thought of saying he'd stopped by simply to say hello, but the mere suggestion seemed so outrageous, so preposterous, he didn't even bother.
"Sure, why don't you come inside," Sonic suggested again with the air of knowingness that alluded to him knowing Shadow had been loitering in the cold outside his house.
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," he muttered, stepping uneasily into Sonic's home. The décor was an odd mixture of exactly what he'd expect, and utterly strange. Piles of comic books passed imperceptibly into piles of thick novels, piles of rock and roll CDs were stacked side by side with Mozart, and classic video games displayed equally as proudly as classical artwork.
He got the distinct impression that Sonic was much more than he appeared – that he was perhaps more sophisticated and intelligent than he came off. The cerulean speedster flopped comfortably down on a plush, velvet couch, and eyed his friend's tense, nervous posture with a sparkle of amusement in his eyes.
"So, how have you been lately?" Sonic smirked, his eyes containing their seemingly ever-present knowingness, as if all of the answers to all of life's mysteries floated within his brain.
"Oh, well – I'm working for GUN now," he did his best to respond casually, but to no avail.
"Is that so? I heard you were partnered up with Rougey," he replied, making Shadow uneasily wonder: heard from whom?
"Yeah, how about that… quite a coincidence."
Sonic laughed slightly, a wry smile coming onto his face slowly, gradually. "I don't believe in coincidences."
"Well well, moron! I guess you got philosopher's stone as a prize in your breakfast cereal this morning," Shadow returned sarcastically to change the subject. Sonic completely ignored the retort, as if he hadn't even heard it.
"You two sure are spending a lot of time together," he noted slyly, "what's going on?"
Shadow in his naïveté, interpreted the innuendo literally, as saw this as an opportunity to broach the subject of the real reason he was there.
"Actually, that's what I came here to talk about," he confessed begrudgingly, "This is all very… new to me."
Sonic genuinely wanted to help his friend, but he wasn't about to do it without making Shadow swallow his galactic ego first.
"What, you – the ultimate lifeform, need help? There's nothing you can't handle, right?" Sonic smirked.
Defeated, Shadow sighed and clenched his fists, almost as if in physical pain. "Turns out, being the ultimate lifeform only makes me naturally good at killing things and causing destruction," his face fell, and its features darkened in genuine sadness. "I'm not actually that good at anything else – I never had the chance to learn how to be normal. I need your help."
Sonic had to restrain himself from crying. "Come here, buddy," he said as he hugged Shadow.
"Get off of me!" Shadow thundered as he tried to pry Sonic away. "This is too much, too soon!"
At last Sonic released him, a bright smile spreading from ear to ear. "Of course I'll help you out. What are friends for?"
Pausing for a moment to contemplate the idea that they could be both rivals and friends, Shadow swallowed the dryness crawling through his throat before continuing rather quietly.
"Um, well, I'm just very confused right now. I don't really know how I feel towards her," he said with embarrassment.
Sonic whipped out a notepad seemingly out of nowhere, and pushed Shadow into a reclined position as if he were a therapist.
"Now sir, if you would please describe exactly how it is you feel-"
"Wait, you want me to… talk… about my… feelings?" he paused meaningfully before adding, "isn't that something only girls do?"
"Under normal circumstances, I'd agree, but extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. Besides, how am I supposed to help you if I don't know what the problem is? Help me help you, Shadow," he grinned as he slowly sharpened his pencil, as if relishing the thought of its imminent use.
"Uh… well, it's confusing, see? Because I often feel like my chest is being crushed, or my throat is constricting tightly, or my face is… burning," he coughed as he recalled particularly severe cases of these symptoms.
"Mhm… and you've only noticed these symptoms in her presence?" Sonic replied severely, toying with Shadow's mind.
"That's right! Oh, and whenever we're in direct contact, my heart rate accelerates, and I feel… a tingling warmth."
"Ooh, tingling too? A most severe case," he chuckled under his breath.
"Please doc, you've gotta help me! I can't live like this anymore!"
Sonic ruminated deeply for a moment, and stroked a non-existent beard on his chin, while glancing with a serious and severe gaze at the silly doodles he'd drawn on his "professional" sketch pad.
Tracing his finger along one sketch of Shadow and Rouge holding hands, he finally made his reply.
"Hmm… in my – ha ha – experienced, professional – bwa ha ha – opinion," here Sonic finally lost it and burst out laughing uncontrollably, "Ha ha, you're killing me Shadow!"
Shadow looked at him quizzically, while scratching the back of his neck. "Um, I'm confused, what's so-"
He was abruptly silenced when his azure counterpart held up his index finger in a stark, scolding manner, instantly regaining the persona of a psychotherapist.
"What you are experiencing is well known in my experience to be a subtly nuanced variety of a classic mega-obsessive, manic-attraction, NFPJ, Gold Trout extraverted left brain complex with a rather simple neurotic paranoid superego intervention that manifests as a superlative relative reaction to the individuals subconscious consciousness' internal unconsciousness."
Shadow nodded blankly at him, partly out of surprise that Sonic even had such an advanced vocabulary, and from further surprise that he didn't have the slightest clue what any of it meant.
"In plain English?" he said in exasperation. 'I never thought THAT day would come…'
"Oh well, it just means you've got 'a crush' on her," Sonic explained with a smile.
"I see… is it serious? Do you have an antidote?"
"There is only one way to cure so severe as case as yours. You must… date her," Sonic announced dramatically, throwing his hands up in the air and laughing manically in a caricature of his arch nemesis.
It seemed as though he was no closer to dispelling his confusion than when he started. "Wait a minute… date her? I'm not sure-"
Sonic slapped his forehead, dragging his fingertips slowly downwards as he peeled off his disbelief. "Do I have to teach you everything?" he sighed, "Alright, let me show you. You be you (that shouldn't be hard), and I'll be Rouge. What do you say to me?"
Shadow still was very lost, and a faint blush had painted his cheeks. "Um… so… do you want to… go do something?"
"Ugh, it needs serious work," he replied. "First off, use my name – the makes it more personal. Secondly, don't be so vague, or pause so much. Address me with more confidence!"
"This is stupid!" Shadow complained, "Not only do I have no clue what I'm doing, but I have to pretend you're her?"
"How else are you going to learn?" Sonic scolded as if he were a child. "Try again, but this time with more enthusiasm."
Shadow sighed heavily, but complied regardless. "Hey, uh… Rouge, do you want to go… for a walk?"
"Better, but still pretty awful. Your main problem is that you have no idea what sorts of things you do on dates. You got lucky with the walk; that would work. But I'm guessing that's just about all you've got. Am I right, or am I right?"
Shadow paused and nodded unsurely.
"Alright, well here's crash course: Dating 101. Some basic ideas for you: going to the movies, going dancing, ice-skating, or walking, going out to eat-"
Here Shadow interrupted, announcing suddenly "I don't have to eat."
"Okay, don't go all 'I'm the ultimate lifeform, and I don't need anything' on me. That's exactly the mentality you need to break. Besides, the main point isn't the food anyways, it's spending time with the other person."
"Point taken," he replied grudgingly, his index finger involuntarily tapping on his knee in a display of irritation.
"Alright, now say we're on a date together – what do you do?" Sonic asked in expectation, as if hoping for an epiphany from Shadow.
"Uh… nothing much, I guess," he answered in confusion, causing Sonic to again slap his own forehead in exasperation.
"No, ya idiot! It's really not that hard! You talk to her, compliment her, smile, ask some questions – in short, give her your undivided attention."
"How am I supposed to do that if we're at the movies?"
Sonic reached forward and grabbed Shadow's hand, clasping his fingers and holding it up to demonstrate.
"See? Like this. Or-" he now sat down next to his friend and threw his arm around his shoulder nonchalantly, "-like that."
"Is it… supposed to feel weird and uncomfortable?" he fidgeted as Sonic released him.
"It won't with her," he replied, eyebrows wagging suggestively. "Now, seems like that's just about it. Remember, give her your attention, be friendly, and try to crack a smile or two, would ya?"
The many and sudden transformations his friend had undergone while giving him advice were enough to give Shadow whiplash. However, he felt as if he had learned something, but was a bit unsure what form this new knowledge would take. The confusion had not subsided, but along with the confusion he felt a new sort of… hope in the fact he had a friend to support him.
Shadow stood, his blazing crimson eyes burning like infernos as they flicked to Sonic. "Sonic… thank you for all of your help."
"Heh, no problem buddy. Now… go get her," he flashed a million-dollar smile, and presented a thumbs up, as if that token would accomplish it.
Shadow nodded gravely, and left. Sonic stared after him with the grin of a cat that had trapped a mouse spread over his lips. He peered out the window until his friend had disappeared, and pulled a walkie-talkie out of a drawer.
"Agent Domo-Erragato Mr. Roboto, come in, do you read me? Over."
From his hiding place in Sonic's kitchen, Omega held his own walkie-talkie and answered his cohort.
"Copy that, Agent Blue Blur. How is Operation: Matchmaker proceeding? Over."
Sonic snickered into the receiver. "Operation: Matchmaker is proceeding exceptionally. We're now ready to move into Phase 3, over."