Chapter 6 : Back to Good

Bobby pulled up in front of Alex's house at 5:55 PM. He shut off the Mustang and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He had worried all day about what to say to Alex. He had reservations at a nice Italian restaurant in the city. He thought he would dive into the heart of the matter over a glass of wine. He had gone over and over it in his mind, but had refused to practice in the mirror. He didn't want to see the desperation he was sure plagued his features. Bobby stepped out onto the curb and looked up at her house. It seemed very – still. He froze. He hadn't actually considered that she might not show. Bobby started to think. "What kind of man forces a woman to retreat from her own home?" He paused. "A man like my father," was his next thought. Bobby moved to physically shake those thoughts from his head. He put his hands in his pockets and headed for her door. He rang the doorbell… no answer. He peeked in as best he could, but saw no movement in the house. The lights were on, but it appeared, that no one was home. He could feel the disappointment start to stir in the pit of his stomach. This time he knocked… still, no answer. "She's really not here," he thought as he peaked into the house again. He stepped back from the door and his chin dropped to his chest. "I've lost her" was his only thought. Bobby was standing at the door, lost within himself, when a distant, familiar voice broke through. Bobby blinked as if being roused from a deep sleep. He instinctively turned toward the voice. "What?" he said with a trace of hope.

I said "Nice car."

Bobby stared at Alex in wonder. She looked beautiful in her pink fitted sweater and gray slacks. Her cheeks were flushed and she was smiling. Bobby's lips were parted as if someone had hit the pause button mid-sentence.

"Bobby?"

Bobby took in a breath and, without taking his eyes off of her, he gestured toward the car with his thumb. "It's the Mustang we worked on together."

"Yeah, I recognize it. Are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just… " he trailed off.

"Thanks for breakfast by the way."

"Your welcome. Lewis said you would either shoot me or arrest me for B&E when I got here tonight"

Alex chuckled. "I probably should"

Bobby smiled, a real, genuine, just for you smile that Alex had not seen for a very long time. She could see him start to relax. He made his way down to the bottom step.

"Where did you come from... just now?"

"Oh, I've been setting on the back porch. I heard you knock."

"I thought you were gone."

"Why do you always assume the worst from me Bobby? Have I ever let you down?"

"No… no, you haven't"

Bobby started to look down at his feet again, but Alex made a quick move toward him and forced him to hold her gaze.

"Bobby," Alex said within a sigh as she took his hand and pulled him down onto the step to set with her. She put her arm through his and laid her head on his shoulder. "What are we gonna' do about us?"

Bobby laid the side of his head on top of hers. "I don't know. You have any ideas?"

"A few" she said very matter-of-factly. She picked up her head and turned to face him without letting go of his arm. "But, why don't you start."

"OK," Bobby said with resolve. He put his hand over hers and looked to the sky for help. He stood and soon began to pace, back and forth in front of her steps. She could only smile and wait for him to gather his thoughts. He stopped suddenly and looked at her. "Are you cold? Do you want to go inside?"

"No" she said softly. "Not yet."

He broke away from her gaze and started moving again, shuffling his feet.

"Alex… you've never let me down. You're not the problem"

Alex stayed silent and let him talk it through. She watched him moving back and forth in front of her. She had seen him do it so many times at the office, but she had never appreciated the grace with which he moved. It was like an eighteenth century waltz. She could imagine him in a line with other suitors moving in time with the music across from a line of young ladies in long flowing gowns. Soon the partners would come together in a beautiful waltz but, for now, the ladies watched in anticipation while the men moved closer. Alex was brought back to the here and now with his abrupt stop. He dropped his hands to his side and inhaled a deep cleansing breath. He sat back down on the step next to Alex. She put her hand on his knee for support and patted his leg in encouragement. He looked at her hand for a second. It was enchanting – small, yet strong and steady. It felt like a lifeline and he took it. He placed her hand in his and kept it covered with his other hand – amazed at how it disappeared between his much larger hands. Alex laced her fingers between his and studied the connection herself.

Bobby began. "When you were gone… the first time, on maternity leave,… I was… frustrated most of the time… agitated, anxious for you to get back. I was even angry at you for being gone. Then I realized, it wasn't anger … It was fear. I started to realize just how much I depend on you." Bobby never took his eyes off of their clasped hands. He took in a breath and squeezed her hand before continuing. His voice was darker when he spoke. "When you were gone the second time… when Jo." He couldn't finish the sentence. He turned to look at her. "I couldn't breath… I couldn't… I've never felt that kind of terror before." He had to look away. The guilt and the fear that he carried from that event in their lives was still too much. Even now, his respirations increased and his pulse quickened. Alex could feel him struggling next to her.

"Bobby," she said in barely more than a whisper as she brought her free hand to his cheek. "Ease down. I'm here and I'm safe." Her thumb moved lightly from the corner of his lips to the corner of his eye. "I don't blame you for what happened. I never have. Do you remember when I told you that I didn't scream? She wanted me to, but I didn't. You said that saved my life. I didn't scream Bobby, because you told me not to. It was your voice that I kept hearing in my head. I just kept thinking about you, about getting back to you. You gave me the strength I needed to get the hell out of there."

Bobby started to shake his head and Alex dropped her hand to her lap. "You saved yourself Alex. I was worthless until I knew you were safe."

"Yeah, I did save myself. And I'm proud of that fact. I'm just saying Bobby, you and I, we're a team. We're more in tune than most married couples I know. We're bound to have ups and downs. I just want to get through this "down" time and get back to good."

"Yeah, me too… Alex, I'm sorry that I told you to back off. I was wrong to take it out on you. I… I didn't want you to see how much I really need you. You were doing so well, even after Ray Wizenski. I could feel myself slipping. I didn't want to take you down with me so I pushed… I pushed hard, and I was wrong."

Alex gave him an understanding smile. Bobby continued.

"The line… the invisible line between us. It started to blur… then my brother showed up… He knew. It took him a half second, for as long as it had been since I had last spoken to him, he knew… He asked me what I was waiting for. He started talking you up to my mom. It planted a seed. I couldn't get it out of my head… The only thing I knew to do was push. Asking you to trust me when I went to see Mark Ford Brady, that was unfair." Bobby again looked down at his feet. "But I knew you'd let me go… Alex," he said as he stood to move around. "Alex, there's something I haven't told you."

Her brow furrowed with worry from the look on Bobby's face.

Bobby looked down at his hands and back up at Alex.

"When I went to see Brady… he baited me… he used my mother… my weakness… he baited me, and I took it, hook line and sinker." His voice was frantic.

"What happened Bobby?" she asked with the clear intent of finding out.

"I tried to kill him, Alex. I put my hands around his neck. I shoved him against the wall. I was gonna' kill him. The guards, they were gonna' let me."

"What happened Bobby?" she asked slowly, again with resolve.

"I stopped… He told me to go ahead… to... to do it. He said I had it in me… That's when I stopped. I knew what he meant and I decided, in that instant, that he was wrong. If someone like you could believe in me… like you do, who was he to say who I really am…"

Her eyes narrowed. "What are you not telling me Bobby?"

It was uncanny the way she could read him. He knew he had to tell her. It was now or never. He slowed his pace. "He and my mother… they had an affair. But, I… I think things must have changed in the end. Frank said he remembered a man, he called him "Uncle Mark". He said he came around when Dad was gone. She went to visit him one weekend. When she came back, everything was different. She was different. Something happened between them. Something bad… He was evil… The night my mom died, she told me she was never sure… about me… about who… which one."

Alex stood and moved at an even pace. She stopped toe to toe with Bobby.

"Now you listen to me." There was anger in her voice, not at him, rather, for him… anger coupled with sheer determination. She accented her determination with her pointer finger as it made contact with his chest and stayed there with even, steady pressure. "I don't give a damn who your father is. Brady is no worse than what you already thought you had. I've watched you fight that demon time and time again. You're a product of what you've overcome, Bobby. You are what you've made of yourself. You have more compassion in your little finger than most people carry in their entire being. I've never met anyone who feels more for their fellowman than you do. I refuse to let you equate yourself with either of those men. I'm proud of you Bobby. I'm proud of who you are and what you stand for. You think you can't do without me. You think I'm some sort of anchor between you and your sanity. I'm not Bobby. I rely on you as much as you rely on me. And that line you mentioned, the one you said that started to blur. I can't even see it anymore. There is sooo much between us Bobby, most of which I couldn't even begin to put into words. There's just no room for anyone else. It's too late."

"Yeah, you said that already"

"What?"

"At the FDA offices… I asked you if you still worried about me tainting your career… if you still thought about making captain. You said it was too late."

"It is too late, Bobby. But that's not a bad thing." She stood up on her tippy toes and gripped his forearm to reassure him. "I wouldn't trade you for any of it."

He didn't plan it. He didn't even think about it. For once in his life, he just let it happen. He cupped her face in his hands and held her eyes with his. He slowly closed what little distance was left between them. He paused. Her lips parted, ever so slightly. It was all he needed. In the next moment, his lips were on hers, just a brush at first, but when Alex lifted her hands and gently bunched his shirt in each one, he kissed her with all the need and want he had kept in check for too many years. He started to pull away. She pulled him closer. It was a long, lingering kiss - one they had both waited far too long to share. He moved one hand above her ear and into her hair. The other hand dropped to wrap her in a tight embrace. Alex slid her hands up his back and held on for dear life. When they broke apart, Alex was afraid to open her eyes. She was afraid she would see an apology in his. Bobby placed his forehead gently on hers. Still holding on tightly, he broke the silence. "Are we OK?"

Unlike the time before, Alex responded with a breathy but heartfelt, "Yeah, we're good. We're very good."

Bobby lifted his head from hers and Alex opened her eyes. There was no apology on Bobby's face, no fear, and no regret.

TBC

Unfortunately there is more angst in their future. We still have to tackle Tates and move on to Purgatory (what a mess that was!). Thanks again for reading.