The Banana Slug: You know what would be an awesome fanfic lemon? Kratos and Haruhi! Fuckin'! That would be awesome!
Anyway, I had trouble with Itsuki's character, as I couldn't figure out whether it should be Charles Xavier or another character, but after watching the character on a show last night, I chose him, and I have never been more proud with the results, boi!
Start the fanfic!
THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 3: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 3 ½
"Okay, can you say that again, just in case the readers were not paying attention?" I asked.
"I AM AN ALIEN!" screeched Yuki.
"Okay, something I would never guess at!" I said with sarcasm.
"YOUR SARCASM IS NOT NEEDED, SUB-CREATURE!" screeched Yuki.
"Okay, okay, so why are you here?" I asked, knowing I am about to get a long and confusing talk.
"I AM HERE BECAUSE OF KRATOS!" she screeching explained, "BELIEVE IT OR NOT, KRATOS IS A GOD! AND NOT JUST ANY GOD, BUT THE GOD OF WAR!"
"Knew that," I replied nonchalantly.
"AS YOU HAVE REMEMBERED, I WAS ONCE THE SOLE FEMALE OF THE CULT OF SKAARO! BUT AFTER MANY CASES OF SEXUAL HARRASMENT, I LEFT, TAKING OVER TEN MILLION OF THEIR CREDITS IN A BRUTAL FIVE-YEAR LONG LAWSUIT!"
"Okay, but what does Kratos have to do with…" I asked her.
"SILENCE!" ordered Yuki, "OR YOU WILL BE EX-TERM-IN-ATED!"
"Okay, just don't zap!" I advised.
"I SAID SIIIILENCE!" she screeched, and I was hit by 500,000 volts of electricity, causing me to scream in agony once more, electrical damage seeping into my "spine".
As I laid in agony, she kept on explaining, "AND THEN, I DECIDED TO JOIN THE BORG, THEN I LEEEFT! AND THEN, I JOINED THE BUGS OF KLANDATHUU, BUT I REMEMBERED I HATE BUGS, THEN I LEEEFT! AND SO, WITH NOWHERE ELSE TO GO, I DECIDED TO PROTECT THE UNIVERSE, INSTEAD OF DESTROY IT, AND WHEN IT NO LONGER NEEDS PROTECTION, I WILL EX-TERM-IN-ATE IT!"
"A little jaded, but understandable," I let out.
"I SAID SIIIILENCE!" she then floated up in the air and pretty much body slammed me to the floor, crushing me.
Huh, what is that thing in front of me? Is that a Dalek turd? No, wait, that's my stomach…
"AND SO, TO PROTECT ALL SPECIES, BIG AND SMAAAALL, I DECIDED TO JOIN THE SOS BRIGADE, WHICH I NAAAAMED, SO THAT I MAKE SURE KRATOS DOES NOT DESTROY IT!"
"O rly?" I asked.
"YA RLY!" replied Yuki.
"No wai!" I exclaimed.
"WAI!" screeched Yuki.
"How?" I asked weakly.
"WE MUST KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED, IF HE DOES NOT, HE WILL GO IN A RAMPAGE AND KILL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!"
"Why not just kill him yourself?" I interrogated, "It would do the universe a BIG help!"
"…ARE YOU CRAZY, MAN! HE IS A MOTHER-FUCKING GOD OF WAR, I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIIIIIT!"
"Okay, but why are you telling me all this?" I asked, she then slid off me, pulling my skin in the process, "Ow…"
"YOU SEE, KRATOS, HAS CHOSEN YOU…" she screeching explained. I don't know what that means, I just hope it isn't some homoerotic choosing, but a choosing to spare my life when he decides to go kill everyone in the flippin' universe.
"NOW, GET OUT OF MY EFFIN' HOUSE BEFORE I SCREAM RAAAAPE! RAAAAAPE! RAAAAAAAAAPE!" screeched Yuki.
"Did someone scream rape?" said a Mounty as he busted through the door.
Well, after spending a day in the pokey, and having corn…stuck up…hehhhhhh, don't wanna talk about it…
Well, when I got into my classroom, I was punched square in the face by muscle man himself.
"You know who else got punched in the face? MY MOM!"
Thanks, Muscle Man, but I was NOT talking about you. I was talking about Kratos.
"What in Nostalgia Critic's hat is wrong with you!" I yelled.
"Squidward," growled Kratos, "I win…"
"Huh?" I let out in confusion.
"A green man just transferred here," revealed Kratos, "And I am going to have him join the brigade!"
"Why?" I asked.
"Because, Squidward!" growled Kratos, he then stomped on me and continued off…even though class isn't over…
Then again, who's gonna be the one to tell him otherwise…
After school, I saw that Dalek Yuki and Azula were there first, Kratos is always tardy, though he could just be killing more strong people, he killed Nappa just yesterday…
"Um, hi, Azula," I greeted nervously.
"Cephalopod," greeted Azula quickly.
"So, how was your day?" I asked.
"Well, first I had a piece of toast, then I brushed my teeth, and then I…"
"Nevermind," I interrupted, then I asked, "Wanna play Chess?"
"I hate Chess," replied Azula.
"…Okay," I let out. Boy, try to be nice to fire queen and I get flamed.
Then, Kratos busted through the door and…how many times did that door get blasted down in some way? Anyway, he had in his hand the head of a devil monster, now that is awesome!
"I will know like to introduce you to our new member," growled Kratos.
"Let me, please," said a voice behind him. Suddenly, from the back, Kratos revealed a green man with black hair, a black goatee, yellow eyes, wearing a male uniform, and floating in the air.
"I am MENTOK! THE MIND-TAKER! BOOWEEYOOAAWEEYOOO!" he introduced, and suddenly a plane crashed just outside of the window, all of them breaking from the shockwave.
"Yes, this is Mentok, the Mind-Taker," introduced Kratos, I then heard Mentok let out a small, "Booweeyoop", and Kratos continued, "The squid there is named…"
"SQUIDWARD TENTACLES!" yelled Mentok, "The Dalek in the back is Dalek Yuki, and that fiery hot oriental woman is Azula of the Fire Nation, and you are Kratos, God of War!"
Know-it-all…
"I heard that!" snapped Mentok as he forced me to the wall, cracking my "bones".
"Ow!" I groaned.
"Well, now that is over," growled Kratos, he then looked at Azula, "Azula, get your ass over here!""Again, Kratos?" asked Azula, "I'm still recovering from last time!"
"I'm leaving," I quickly said, getting up from my place of hurt.
"I'm staying!" announced Mentok, as he floated in the air and summoned up a bag of popcorn out of nowhere.
"I AM STAYING…FOR RESEAAARCH!" screeched Dalek Yuki.
Not that I don't want to see a free show, but not if Kratos is there…I might be perverted in this fanfic, but I'm not suicidal. Being in the proximity of Azula and Kratos doin' it is like being around while a gorilla and a grizzly bear mate…disturbing, I know, but true…
After an hour, I walked into the room…turns out I was a little too early.
"Not in the hair, I have a swim meet today!"
"BOOWEEYOOP!"
Crap, so that's what a Venusian Butterfly looks like…
After another hour, I came back to see everything was completely normal…as it gets…
Azula was in a maid outfit, serving tea. Dalek Yuki was staring at me…again…and Mentok, he was making mice act out Sweeney Todd, snuff style.
"So, what do we do around here?" asked Mentok, sounding incredibly bored.
Kratos then announced, with dramatic music playing, "We are going to find opponents of extreme power…and kill them…brutally!"
…
The world came to a screeching halt…what, you think metaphorically, no, I mean that we were pushed to the walls as the world completely stopped, with millions of people being flung out into space!
An hour later, after the world returned to it's rotation. Mentok asked angrily, "Who stopped the world again?"
"Reptilians," I replied.
"Ah, I knew it!" growled Mentok.
"Well, let us not dabble on what happened, tomorrow, we are going to go and find our opponents!" announced Kratos, "And murder them!"
"Okay," I replied, in my usual nonchalant way.
He then turned to Azula. "We are going to have to take pictures of you."
"Why?" interrogated Azula.
"One, because I said so, and two, because we need pictures for the site, and three, because I said so!" growled Kratos.
"Oh yeah, let's get Victoria's Secret here!" yelled out Mentok in delight.
"I like you," replied Kratos in a gruff monotone.
"Thank you," replied Mentok with a smile.
"Oh, come on, can't you leave her alone for a minute?" I asked, trying to protect Azula…for some reason…
Azula sighed and said, "Cephalopod, I am not visiting your funeral."
"Huh?" I let out. I was then kicked in the stomach by Kratos, sending me all the way to Germany, getting my ass beaten by Rammstein fans at their concert.
By the way, Till Lindemann says hallo.
After I got back from the hospital in Germany and from Germany, I met Kratos and the others at the place…you know, the place…with the statue of Brock Samson…yeah, that place!
I saw them waiting for me, with Kratos in his red loincloth, Azula in her red Fire Nation armor, Dalek Yuki in her…trash-can thing like last time, and Mentok in his black/purple spandex…oh, and I am in my brown t-shirt.
"You are ten days late, Squidward," growled Kratos.
"You kicked me!" I argued.
"Penalty!" growled Kratos as he sliced my head off. I was dead for a while, where I met my deceased grandma…and a demon was sticking a hot iron in my eyeball and forcing me to drink molten lead.
I was quickly revived somehow by Mentok, I asked him how he did it, and he said, "Mind-Taking! That's how!"
Well, I had to pay for lunch…at Zanzibar's…and we all drew straws, to see who would go with who…
Well, apparently from Kratos' blood-inspired logic, I am paired with Azula, and he is with Mentok and Dalek Yuki.
"Alright, you go find us a television while me and the others go find and kill the Ice Cream Monster from that one episode of Codename: Kids Next Door," ordered Kratos when we went outside, "And if you do not find us a television, I will kill you!"
"What did I do?" I argued.
"Die," replied Kratos quickly…well, I cannot argue with that…
After Azula stole a television from the Nohara family, probably causing psychological trauma for the family, mainly because of "Miss Psycho-Hottie" here.
"Hey, Cephalopod," Azula said out of nowhere as we walked with the television.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"I'm a time traveler," she revealed nonchalantly.
"Hm…no shit," I replied, then I realized something and yelled out, "Wait a minute, no you aren't, you are a princess of the Fire Nation!"
"No, I'm a time traveler!" argued Azula, "And if you disagree one more time, I will give you a long speech explaining why I am!"
"…Okay, you're a time traveler," I agreed hesitantly, "But why are you here?"
"Well, it turns out the world I am from is actually the future, the Avatar world, well, in the future, Kratos will destroy your world in a blind raging boredom, creating chaos everywhere, and eventually my world, but was prophesized that he would come back and destroy my world, so Aang, the Avatar, was sent back first using the ancient art of…"
"Time-Bending?"
"No, Doc Brown's time traveling DeLorean," answered Azula, "He attempted to defeat Kratos, attempting to stop him from going into the future and destroying the future of my future, and was killed, and then I was sent back in time by time-traveling Borgs to make sure Kratos does not destroy my world, or he would end up creating a hell on Earth…"
"What?" I asked.
"A live-action version of my world directed by M. Night Shyamalan," revealed Azula cryptically. I shuddered in fear.
"So, how does he come to your world?" I asked.
"That's classified," she answered.
"Okay, when will this all happen?" I asked.
"That's classified."
"Is everything classified?"
"…He's on to me," Azula said to herself out loud, and then three Borgs came out of nowhere and started to beat me with bats over and over and over again, me screaming with every blow.
After they left me broken and bruised, I then got up, pain felt everywhere and said weakly, "Got it, classified…"
"Good, now you know why I am doing this," explained Azula.
"Not really, you pretty much confused me," I explained.
"Well, it's time-travel, when is anyone not confused by time travel," explained Azula, "It would've been better if I didn't tell you anything."
"Then why did you tell me?" I asked.
"Because Kratos chose you," revealed Azula. Great, homoerotic or platonic, I have NO idea!
"Great, so, Kratos has chosen me…for what?" I asked.
"Classified," replied Azula with a smirk.
"GAH!"
Great, I can't understand this crap, seriously, who wants to trade places, please, you can, trust me, you'd be doing me a good favor!
"You know who else wants to trade places? MY MOM!"
…
…Dammit…
Me and Azula gave the TV to Kratos, who has slain the Ice Cream Monster from the one episode of Codename: Kids Next Door, beat the game "Bayou Billy", and finally killed Captain N: the Game Master.
Other than that, it was pretty normal…
After the weekend passed, apparently Satan came to Earth on a burning horse and heated up the temperature of the world, causing ice floes to melt and killing millions.
…Kratos was the only one not affected by the whole thing…
After school, I decided to drop into the SOS Brigade homeroom to talk to a certain "green man", whom I found making the fans go up and down with a bored expression.
"Hey, Mentok, are you…"
"An Esper? Yes, yes I am, but don't let Kratos find out!" warned Mentok. I looked to see Kratos on his chair, looking at us.
"Okay?" I let out in confusion.
"Follow Mentok!" he yelled, he then flew out the window.
"I'll take the stairs…" I replied, leaving the room.
Kratos sat quietly, he then turned to Dalek Yuki and said, "You're an alien, aren't you?"
Dalek Yuki was silent, staring at him, she then started to freak out, screaming, "COM-PRA-MIZED! COM-PRA-MIIIIIIZED!", and then knocked down the table.
As me and Mentok sat down, he made a pair of soda cans appear facing each other. He then made the soda leave the can and enter his mouth.
"Mmm, you do not know what you are missing out with being a psychic, Squidward," gloated Mentok, "It fuckin' rocks!"
"Alright, alright, get on with the long speech about Kratos," I sighed.
"Alright, Mr. Grumpy pants, let me start," said Mentok with a smile, "Well, you see, as you know from his announcement at the start of school, he is the God of War, that ain't no joke, he is the actual factual Greek God of War, got it after he killed Ares and all!"
"Yeah, yeah, get on with it," I sighed, tired of hearing these stupid speeches.
"You see, I come from an organization of psychics who think that the reason we all got our powers is because we are descended from Kratos, a bunch of people say otherwise that we actually were created from the dreams and beliefs of a deity called Haruhi, but we try to ignore them…we are currently having a major dispute with them right now, it's not important."
"What organization?" I asked.
"Organization XIII! AHAHAHAHAHAno, not really, be weird if we were," replied Mentok quite haphazardly.
"Okay, continue," I replied."Weeeeeell, Grumpypants, we are attempting to make Kratos happy or he will destroy all of the universe in blind raging boredom," explained Mentok, waving his hands around, "We are attempting to make sure that Kratos will not create the future of Azula's world and create an alternate timeline that we can all live in in peace, understand?"
"Yeah, I guess, but why are you waving your hands around?" I asked.
"…I have Parkinson's, you dick!" snapped Mentok, still moving his hands around.
"Okay, so, why are you telling me all this?" I asked.
"Because, Kratos chose you…" explained Mentok, he then added, "No homo…"
"…Can you prove to me that you are psychic?" I asked.
Mentok looked at me with disbelief and annoyance, "What have I been doing all this time, you moron!"
"…Oh, right…"
Afterwards, I walked to the SOS Brigade room, where I accidentally saw something I can never unsee. It was Azula, in her underwear, with her back turned.
Boy, was I lucky to see that…that IS until I was shot in the stomach with a lightning bolt, impaling me and making me fall on my back.
Great, am I dead, is this over? Good, I just hope I don't get resurrected by Mentok or something. Boy, would it be great if I stayed dead? That would be awesome.
"You know who else wants to stay dead? MY MOM!"
Oh, great…Muscle Man is the devil…
…Should'a known…well, what's the worse that could happen…
"Don't worry, I, Mentok, the Mind-Taker, should be able to revive him!"
…Damn you, Haruhi and/or Kratos, damn you…
The Banana Slug: Well, even if only a few people read the story, I'll keep on making chapters, in hopes that it actually factually get's popular…
Then again, what's the chances that will happen…
"You know who else is popular? MY MOM!"
…Okay?