Chapter 14 (Purgatory)

Maybe it had simply been a rough visit with Olivet, Alex thought as she pushed her Lo Mien around in the takeout box. She remembered her rough visit, after Jo Gage. Dr. Olivet called it her breakthrough session. Alex was exhausted after that visit. It was one of those nights that Bobby simply held her until she fell asleep, wrapped up in his arms. That was before they had figured out the line between professional and personal had disappeared. That was also the way she chose to handle it. Bobby was an entirely different creature. It had now been three days since she had had any contact with Bobby. She stared at her silent cell phone, desperate for it to ring.

Bobby flopped onto his couch. "I'm too old for this shit," he said out loud and threw his arm over his eyes. It was 2:00 A.M. A small chirp broke the silence. He blindly reached for his cell phone on the coffee table. "First unheard message: "Hey it's me… Call me when you can… I'm worried Bobby." He pushed #7 to delete. "Second unheard message: "Bobby, call me. I love you. Just call me… let me know you're o.k." He started to hit #7. Instead he listened again. "Second unheard message: "Bobby, call me. I love you…" He sat up on the couch and quickly turned his cell phone off for the night. "I love you, too," he whispered. He headed to the shower to try and scrub away the filth and the guilt that engulfed him. The filth seemed to slide off of Testerosa and onto him. The guilt was homemade.

"Bobby!" He turned to find Alex heading toward him outside the diner where they had enjoyed more than one breakfast together.

"Damn it Alex," he thought. He turned half way toward her, unable to face her directly.

"I left you a message. You never called me back"

"I've been busy." Inside his heart was breaking. "I'll give you a call, o.k." He could see that he had hurt her. He could tell his cold demeanor cut deep, but he couldn't be seen talking to her. He couldn't let her get anywhere near his undercover operation. If he wanted his badge back, he had to do this right. If he wanted to protect her, he had to push her away. He had strict orders. He new it was crap that he had been ordered to keep her out of the loop. He new it was a way for the Chief of D's to exercise his power, to let him know that it was his way or the highway. If he wanted to be with Alex in any way, shape or form, he had to play by the rules.

Alex stood dumbfounded in front of the diner. Unable to move, she watched him disappear into the crowd. She made her way back to the station in a haze. Jefferies met her half way to her desk. "You'll never guess what I found."

She stared at him blankly.

"You o.k. Detective Eames?"

"I… uhm, yeah I'm fine. What did you find?"

Alex threw herself into her work. Something wasn't right with this case. Nothing was right at home. It had been weeks since Bobby had turned his back on her in front of their diner. He had four weeks left on suspension. She wasn't sure that he would even return to Major Case. Alex worked to the point of exhaustion. It was the only way she could sleep at night. She still felt numb, like she was sleep walking through the hours outside of work. She felt nothing until that night. Seeing Bobby towering over her, gun drawn and pointing at her head, she died a little more. Realizing she could have shot him, ended his life, she was jolted from her haze and it made her nauseous. It was the way she felt as a teenager when her dad would flip on the light and yell "Alex! Time to wake up!" It was so loud and bright and caustic. The next few hours were a blur. Alex fought hard to keep her bearings. As bad as things had been, her world truly came crashing down around her standing outside Bobby's open cell door. She could almost forgive him for being sucked in by Testerosa. But she could not forgive him for lying to her. Not again.

Bobby thought that he had seen and felt the worst this world could throw at him, but he was wrong. Facing Alex as Ross unlocked the cell door, seeing the look on her face as realization set in, feeling the sting of her tirade on betrayal, those were the hardest moments of his life, bar none. He replayed the conversation over and over in his head. "I was trying to protect you."

"Since when?" she responded.

"Since always" he thought.

Bobby sucked in a deep breath as the elevator doors opened. He tried to smile as he sat down at his desk. He reached for a stack of folders to keep his hands busy. He wasn't even sure of what he said. All he saw was her leaving. With nothing left to do, he opened the drawer to throw the files in. That's when he found it. He knew he was a marked man.

The day he got his badge back, was the first day he had seen Alex since she walked out and left him defeated in the observation room. He had gone to her house that evening. He had waited for hours outside not daring to use his key. She never came home. He called her cell, no answer. He called her sister who confirmed that Alex was at her house but not available to come to the phone. "Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her it was the only way," he pleaded.

"I'll tell her Bobby". He could hear the sadness in her voice. That's when he panicked. He couldn't breath. He felt like he had at Tate's when he knew he would die on that table in "heaven". He called her cell phone, knowing she wouldn't answer. "Alex… I…," he drew in a ragged breath, "I… please Alex". That was before he found the rat, before he knew he had to give up the one thing that truly mattered. He had his badge back, but it had cost him. To protect Alex, he had to shut her out of his life.

TBC