The Banana Slug: Well, last time I checked, I only got…23 hits…but screw it, might as well write more chapters since I have no life.
Anyway, I hope no one thinks I hate Haruhi out there, I am just kidding, so to speak! The reason I do this cuz I love the series so much and if you truly love something, make fun of it, or you become a Sasuke clone that everyone except other Sasuke clones hates!
REMEMBER: DON'T ACT LIKE SASUKE, KIDS! IT IS NOT COOL!
SPECIAL THANKS TO GMOD IDIOT BOX FOR THE COOLEST THING EVER!
THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 4: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 42
AKA
THE WRATH OF DARKORATH
…Who will not be appearing in this series…fingers cross for the movie!
Well, as you can see, I was resurrected by Mentok…dammit…
"You're welcome!"
Yeah, yeah, get outta my head! The next day, I entered class to see Kratos with his head on the table, bored and angry…a terrible combination…
"Hey, Kratos," I greeted, taking my seat behind…I mean, in front of him.
"Squidward," replied Kratos.
"Didn't see you last meeting…when I was murdered by Azula," again, thank YOU very much Mentok! "I thought we were going to have a review session?"
"I did it myself, and I hated it, so I killed it!" growled Kratos.
Suddenly, Ryoko appeared in front of me and screamed at me, saliva hitting my face like bullets.
"Will you stop screaming at me!" I argued, "I cannot understand a word you are saying!"
"She says it would be cool if someone died," answered Kratos, "I don't know, I wasn't paying attention."
Before I could say anything, Ryoko then impaled a student with her tail and ran to her desk, the student screaming bloody murder.
"Why don't you go and do some fun stuff?" I asked as Ryoko was eating the student alive.
"Like what?" growled Kratos as the student screamed out, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, HELP ME!"
"Well, why not go out for dates and stuff?" I asked, Ryoko then snapped the student's neck, killing him.
"I don't believe in relationships after I killed my wife, sure, I fuck women more than ten a day," replied Kratos, "But they are more like friends I like to fuck raw and hard over and over again, like Azula, XJ-9, Princess Peach, or Misty from Pokemon."
"Isn't Misty ten or something?" I asked.
"It's Anime, who the hell can tell a woman's age on those damn shows!" groaned Kratos, slamming his head on the desk again.
Poor Kratos, most of the strong students are either faking being sick, switched schools, went insane with fear, or killed themselves.
I'm back in this fanfic because the author decided to make more chapters to keep on trying to be an internet celebrity, which will most likely not happen. Well, we ARE a hit in Poland…by one person…on one chapter…
So, I guess we aren't really a hit anywhere…
…You know, my life ever since I met Kratos has been hell after hell after hell! I died just last chapter, I was mauled by a revamped video game monster, kicked all the way to Germany, and found out Muscle Man was the devil!
But you know what, as I thought in the SOS Brigade room as Azula was pouring me tea in her maid outfit…on my crotch…
Well, today, after school, I found a note, which simply said to go to Room 9 and 3 ¼ at 4:34 PM and 15 seconds and wait for someone…okay, who sent me the note?
Was it Dalek Yuki? She did uncharacteristically give me a note last time, but it was cap locked and was in Dalek speak…the note I found was written in Spanish.
Was it Azula? No…no, it couldn't be here, she hates my guts, she only spoke to me that one time because Kratos put us together. I'm sure if there was any other way, she would've just written it on my wall on Facebook…even though she never added me as a friend…
Kratos? Nah, he'd just grab my head and beat me up before telling me what he wants…
Mentok? It could be Mentok…
"No, I didn't write the note. You don't know? I know, but I'm not telling!"
Get out of my head…
I looked at Kratos' computer as he was on it, and I saw some…pictures of Azula and Kratos that were…shall we say…promiscuous…ON THE SOS BRIGADE WEBSITE!
"Kratos, what are you doing!" I yelled.
"Shut up," growled Kratos.
"No, you can't release those photos on the internet, it's degrading!" I argued.
"If I wanted someone to nag at me, I wouldn't have killed my wife!" growled Kratos.
After explaining copyright rules, school rules, and Ja Rule, Kratos decided to agree to having the pornographic photos of Azula and Kratos…poor girl…
Well, I was about to delete them…but hey, why not keep the goddamn photos! In a special file that I can view anytime for my leisure.
Awesome.
Kratos got up from his chair and said, "Fuck you all, I'm going to go have sex with Sailor Moon."
Well…at least he's honest…
After Kratos left, everything was quiet…as quiet as it gets around here. Dalek Yuki was reading the Tropic of Cancer…that hussy…
Mentok opened the door and quickly said, "Hey, just tellin' ya, I'm gonna go see my lawyer to see if I can get out of this fanfic! Oh and Squidward, don't worry, everything will be fine, see ya!"
Well, didn't care what that was about…Mentok is a royal-
"Don't start."
GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! AAAAGH!
After staying for a while of sitting on my ass, I decided to go to Room 9 and 3 ¼ and see who was the one who asked to see me. I hope it isn't Spongebob, who may or may not be a demon from the pits of Hell.
As I opened the door, I saw…absolutely no one inside…
What is this, a joke? Is Spongebob in the closet, giggling to himself?
"…teehee…Squidward's a jerk…"
Who said that?
I wandered around the classroom, seeing if anything is out of the ordinary, and to find out who the hell contacted me!
Why is this happening to me? What did Kratos choose me for? Did he choose me to be the last one alive when he kills everyone in the freakin' universe? Am I going to be his Bride of War?
Suddenly, as I was contemplating this whole conundrum of stupidity to the most extreme levels, I felt something on my shoulder…a wet, slimy thing.
Then I felt it on my head, I touched it to see a saliva that looked all too similar. I fearfully looked up to see Ryoko the scary Xenomorph psycho looking at me from the ceiling, letting out a terrifying scream.
I jumped out of the way yelling in fear as she jumped down the ceiling, creating a series of cracks on the porcelain floor.
"What are you, crazy!" I yelled, "You could have killed me!"All she did to reply was hiss loudly at me, her sharp-edged tail pointing at me and her drool falling on the ground.
"Um, Ryoko?" I let out.
She then screamed as she ripped off her uniform…nothing is going to happen sexually, unfortunately, but I can guess that this is…battle mode…
"Ryoko, is this a joke, even if that tail is fake, it isn't funny!" I told in fear.
She then started to slowly creep towards me, throwing desks out of the way, just to get to me, little old me, crapping my pants uncontrollably.
"Ryoko, please stop it!" I pleaded then screamed into the air and jumped at me, with her secondary mouth extended out. I quickly jumped out of the way, making my way to the door.
When I opened it, I saw Patrick out in the hall…Patrick Star or Evil Xenomorph Ryoko?
I closed the door, choosing to try and hold this off a little bit more. I screamed as I attempted to run to the windows as Ryoko jumped at me. Suddenly, the windows disappeared, along with the door…like I was still contemplating that option…
With nothing to do, I decided to throw a chair at the killer alien, only for a force field to deflect it. How did a Xenomorph get technology? I mean, I don't think they even have space ships!
Suddenly, the class was turned into that Hyrule arena from Super Smash Brothers. Why is this happening! If anyone knows what is going on, get the hell over here and explain it to me!
"You're gonna die, motherfucker! AHAHAHAHAAAA!" laughed the slug, who was sitting on a rock.
Damn author insert…
I attempted to run only to be frozen in place, that is cheating! How dare that stupid alien cheat when other players are involved! Killing me is one thing, but this is…just trolling!
Ryoko crept up closer at me with her tail moving towards me so closely…is it wrong that I am attracted to the fact that Ryoko is not wearing any clothes?
Suddenly, I heard a loud voice from out of nowhere, who sounded so familiar and also made me want to crap myself…
"CAPTAIN CAVEMAAAaaaAAAAAAAN!" screeched Dalek Yuki as she crashed through the castle and ran over Ryoko as she flew at her.
Wow, alien cat-fight…strangely erotic for a creepy black alien with insectoid and reptilian features and a evil trashcan with lasers.
Suddenly, Ryoko ran past her and ran at me, with her tail ready to impale me. How can this be, if anyone does the impaling, it's Kratos!
Dalek Yuki then flew in front of me, taking the blow for me…how…heart-warming…
"YOU ARE FLAWED, SUB-CREATURE!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "YOU ARE A STUPID BEAST, A RAVING ANIMAL! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO LIIIIVE! AND WITH THAT, I MUST CONCLUDE YOUR EXISTANCE!"
Ryoko the screamed at Yuki with saliva and hate everywhere, if she had eyes, they'd be glaring.
"NO, YOUR MOTHER!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "AND YOUR WORST SINS IS THIIIIIS! YOU HAVE HACKED REALITY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEEEEANS!"
Ryoko then cocked her head in confusion, we all then looked behind her and saw an old man with a large head, pointing at Ryoko.
"HAAAAAX!"
Suddenly, Ryoko exploded into a green mess, with the man disappearing in a beam of light.
Suddenly, everything was back to normal, except Dalek Yuki was bleeding pretty badly, and by badly, I mean she was gushing blood like a broken fire hydrant.
"Um, are you okay?" I asked in worry.
"YOUR CONCERN IS NOT NEEDED! I JUST NEED TO PUT A BAND-AID ON IT!" screeched Dalek Yuki.
"…If you say so," I replied, "But I have a question, why was Ryoko trying to kill me?""SHE'S A FUCKING XENOMORPH, YOU STUPID CUNT!" screeched Dalek Yuki.
"…Harsh…" I sighed in hurt.
Everything seemed to be normal in the next day, except for the fact that Ryoko is now gone.
Apparently, info via my teacher, it was said that Ryoko was addicted to meth and after attempting to stab her mother for money for the meth, she was sent to a rehab clinic in Canada…who knew…
"Meth is a hell of a drug," growled Kratos.
"No, it's cocaine," I corrected.
"Don't correct me, Cephalopod," growled Kratos. Nice to see Kratos' cheery attitude again, it really is, I'd rather talk to Kratos than a crazy Xenomorph like Ryoko any day.
But the fact that Ryoko is gone isn't the thing that is puzzling me, today, I got another note in my locker…if this turns out to reveal Spongebob to be a Predator, then I'm out of this fanfic!
It told me to go to the SOS Brigade room after school…well, at least Dalek Yuki will be there to protect me…or zap me…either way, she'll be there…
After school, I went home and took a nice break, playing my clarinet…that is what I would like to say, but I am forced to just…go to the SOS Brigade room, like I am being paid to do, sadly.
When I opened the door, in it was…VOLDEMORT!
No, not really.
"Who are you?" I interrogated.
"I'm Peewee Herman! HA! HA! HA! HA!"
Yep, it was Peewee Herman...right what it says on the tin...
"Why are you in the SOS Brigade room?" I asked suspiciously.
"Well, I…" explained Peewee Herman.
"Scratch that, I saw the anime before going in this fanfic, why aren't you a future version of Azula?" I interrogated.
"I am the descendant of Azula, after Kratos destroys the world, thereby creating the Avatar World, and then destroying it again, creating my timeline, and after various Klingon attacks and the fall of the Burning Legion. I was sent back to make sure that happens, but in order to do that is an explanation that I too complicated because of techno babble and stuff."
"How do I know you are Azula's descendant?" I asked.
"You don't believe me?" asked Peewee, "Well, me and Azula both have a birthmark on our left butt cheek in the shape of Whistler's mother, wanna see?"
"No," I replied frankly.
"Okay!" laughed Peewee, who dropped his trousers and showed me the goddamn birthmark.
"GAH!" I let out…super size me…
"See the birthmark?" asked Peewee obnoxiously.
"Yes, yes I see it, pull up your damn trousers!" I yelled.
"Okay!" laughed Peewee as he pulled up his pants and laughed his trademark laugh.
"So, why are you here again, sorry I interrupted you," I apologized in a half-assed meaning.
"Weeell, Squidward," explained Peewee, again this could not be Azula's descendant, he called me Squidward, "I need you to remember the story of Snow White."
"I don't like necrophilia," I argued.
"NOOOO!" groaned Peewee, "Not that, remember the other stuff!"
"…I hate midgets," I argued."AAAAAGH!" yelled Peewee.
"Fine, fine, I'll remember the damn story!" I groaned, "Just please leave me alone!"
"Fire ball," Peewee simply said as he pointed his finger at me, shooting a fireball from his fingertips and causing me to burst into flames.
As I screamed, flailing on the floor, Peewee laughed and skipped over me, but then saying, "Don't get to attached, Squidward! HA! HA!"
Thankfully, Dalek Yuki came in two hours later and extinguished me. I got up, my exposed muscles feeling pain from the breeze, and sat at my desk.
"Thanks," I…thanked.
"DO NOT THANK ME! THANK KRATOOOS! HE TOLD ME TO EXTINGUISH THE FIRST PERSON I SEE THIS WHOLE DAY!"
"Ummm, again…thanks."
"YOU DO NOT LISTEN, SUB-CREATURE" she screeched, she then zapped me, causing me more pain.
Who should I blame for this, Kratos? Haruhi Suzumiya? Or more likely, the author.
At the next day, when I went to the bathroom, taking a number two after a quick number three.
After cleaning up, I opened the door to see Kratos standing in front of it, scaring the living shit out of me.
"AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAH! AH! AH! AH! Huuh, huuh, huuh…AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
"…What the fuck, Squidward?" growled Kratos.
"What are you doing here?" I argued.
"We are going alien hunting," growled Kratos.
"Alien hunting?" I asked, "What are you talking about?"
"Why would they send Ryoko to a rehab facility in Canada?" interrogated Kratos, "They don't even have rehabs in Canada, the only rehab facilities are in Zimbabwe!"
I think his information's a little screwy…
"Lemme guess, you want me to help you find the truth?" I asked, flinching.
"No, I want you to help me find the truth," replied Kratos.
I paused, staring lethargically at him, I sighed and said, "Alright, let's do this…"
The Banana Slug: Well, this is my least popular fanfic apparently, I think it's because it is in the X-Over section…which would make sense…since my most popular fanfic is a lemon one-shot with Rukia and Ichigo…
…Squidward's a jerk…