The Banana Slug: Well, this is it. Sorry, I had some computee troubles, so I had to stay off of it for a while. Now, I can conclude the saga of Kratos, with this part right here, part 6...
…or…
THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 6: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 666
AKAITZ DAH FINAL COUNTDOWN! DOODLEEDOOT! DOODELEDEDOOT!
Self Proclaimed: Evil Alien Cyborg who hates all life except her own who was once a member of the Cult of Skaro.
Self Proclaimed: Princess of a nation of fire-magicians from the far future.
Self Proclaimed: Green mind-taking psychic with Parkinson's.
…
Yeah, until a week ago, I would tell them they were talking shit and call the loony bin, saying they missed some people from their head count.
It doesn't matter, because I have decided to lay in bed today, as if I remember right, Mentok said something about tomorrow…so, that means I am staying in bed and…
"NO!"
I was suddenly grabbed by my neck and thrown at the wall, by who else, my sister…
My sister…Heavy…
Looking at her, or him, I saw a large bald Russian Man laughing as he, she, wore a little girl's outfit.
"GET UP, STUPID!" yelled Heavy.
"I'm already up!" I yelled.
Heavy then stomped on my head, laughing like a madman, the yelling into the air, "CRY SOME MOAAR!"
…Maybe I shouldn't have told her, him, that he, she, could be my alarm clock…
As we both brushed our teeth, I was thinking of the horrible things that has yet to come, making me wish that what will come will not happen…
I just hope no one makes slash fanfic of me, Squidward Tentacles, and him, Heavy…Scout, where are you?
"BROTHER!" roared Heavy, "YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE, BRRUSH FASTER!"
Knowing well of the source material Heavy comes from, I brushed so fast and hard, I could taste blood from my gums.
"HAHAHAHA, YOU ARE CRREDIT TO TEAM!" roared Heavy happily, he then slapped my back in laughter, sending the toothbrush into my esophagus, choking the hell out of me!
As I laid on the ground, half-conscious, I looked to see Heavy, quietly laughing at a fly buzzing around, just like a kid from Osakaaaah…
After me and Heavy went to our respective schools, mine the West High School, and Heavy's school, Team Fortress Academy.
As I walked to my school, with a lot of schoolgirls walking around as well, knowing what fate will happen to them, like everyday…damn tentacle beasts ruining our…wait a minute…
Anyway, I was wondering what will happen to me today, does it turn out that this is actually some stupid misunderstanding and I am actually the deity, not Kratos?
…No…that would be like if Luke Skywalker was the chosen one instead of Anakin…then again, he was the one who killed Emperor Palpatine, so does that mean Anakin Skywalker is the chosen one and Luke was just some farm boy that got lucky? But he was the one who…
"You're rambling again, Squidward," revealed Patrick as he appeared behind me from nowhere.
"Oh, am I?" I asked in lethargy. I have to stop doing that…
As we walked into the school, Patrick was smiling like Patrick Star at me, which was starting to annoy me greatly, before I just had to speak out as we were at our lockers.
"Okay, what's with the face, I told you no more," I reiterated.
"But this is how I always look," replied Patrick.
"What is in your mind, Patrick!" I yelled out in the lowest frequency of yelling.
If I didn't know any better, it was nothing but chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, From Dusk Till Dawn, chocolate, chocolate, school-girl's panties, chocolate, chocolate, and chocolate…oh, and Tonari no Taro-kun.
…You're all going to check what Tonari no Taro-kun, aren't you?
Don't worry, we'll wait…
…
Hard to believe, hm? Wow, Hillary actually factually looked hot in that…which to me seems hardly possible…
"I forgot to walk in on you and Dalek Yuki on the ground together," reminded Patrick.
"Oh yeah, that never happened in the first place," I reminded.
"What!" yelled Patrick, "What else did we skip that was soooo important! We have so much random stuff in this fanfic that the author doesn't seem to care about the original story! What else will we skip just to conserve page length! What else! WHAT ELSE!"
I just stared at him for a long while as his arms were in the air, standing like a statue. "Patrick, take the night off."Patrick replied with a short & dumb, "…'kay…"
I walked into the classroom, seeing Kratos in his female gym clothes…that is just wrong to behold in so may levels.
"Why aren't you in your uniform?" I asked as I sat behind, I mean, in front of him.
"It's hot," growled Kratos, glaring at me, "And they didn't send my male gym clothes as well."
"Why not?" I asked curiously.
"I know why, but it's only a matter of fucking time till I get back home," growled Kratos, glaring at the city.
"Who?" I asked.
"…I will find you, Steve, you and your little dog too," growled Kratos.
Okay, he seems really confused, Steve wouldn't do that…he's too cool for that…what? Am I gonna have to be the only one to think so? Blue's Clues was awesome when I was a kid, and Steve was pretty awesome! Sorry, author is speaking from me, and I am a stupid gay cock-sucker…damn author black-over…I mean take-over…
After school, I was at the computer, and I was curious of what Peewee Herman said to me, so I decided to open the files with Azula and Kratos' porno pics…my god, that is so OOC…are we really caring at this point?
I looked at one, and I saw it, I saw the birthmark on her left butt cheek, the mark of Whistler's Mother. My god, I cannot believe that that troglodyte is actually descended from a hot chick like Azula…who did she sleep with to create that thing?
…Oh god yes…
"What are you looking at?"
I jumped to see Azula looking at me, I quickly closed out of that file and smiled bashfully at her.
"Hm, a file just about me?" wondered Azula out loud, "What's in it?"
"N-nothing!" I stammered.
"Is it naughty pictures of me?" asked Azula, getting real close to my personal space, her face and inch from mine.
"Ah-ah-ah-ah-of course not!" I stammered, "Don't be ridiculous!"
"You know, Squidward," she said seductively, wait, she called me Squidward! "I always liked tentacles…"
And now she's rubbing what is essentially my arm, this is so OOC it's not even funny anymore. She then kissed my long and big nose, oh please stop doing that, before I ask you to continue!
She stopped as we both noticed Kratos was watching us, glaring at us in his uniform, he then walked to the chair. The room was silent, no one said a word, not even Dalek Yuki, who was known to scream her opinions like a chimpanzee with a unicycle.
"So, uh, you want me to leave?" I asked nervously.
"SHUT UP!" roared Kratos, he then grabbed me by the head and threw me out of the window, with me on the ground, bloodied and impaled by shards of glass. Why does the movie industry lie to me so much!
When I got back, I saw Kratos in his pimp-outfit and Azula in her maid outfit, with Yuki colored as a traffic cone…for some reason…
Kratos was sitting at the computer, in pure anger and hatred. "I'm still hot, I can't feel any chill at all!"
"Maybe it's because you are wearing a coat and…" I explained.
"WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE!" roared Kratos.
We all started to calm down when Mentok entered the room in a pimp outfit as well. "Um, is this the Headbanger's Ball?"
"Shut up, Mentok, give me a soda!" ordered Kratos angrily.
"Booweeeeeoooooooop!" released Mentok as he used his mind to bring a six-pack of the Dew.
"I'm bored, nothing is happening today…" growled Kratos. I looked out the window to see Robot Nazis marching into the school grounds, to be confronted by Wasp-People Centurions, led by Alucard…he must have rescued them from Hades.
Oh my god, they are fighting a battle that has not been seen since the beginning of time! Alucard just took out a whole wave of Robo-Nazis!
"Absolutely nothing…" growled Kratos.
What the…is that…a dragon made of pure MERCURY! It's releasing pure white fire at the Wasp Centurions! It's the most awesome thing I have ever seen, you should really be here, I can't even describe it!
"Boring, boring, goring, boring…" grumbled Kratos.
Damn, that Mercury Dragon is winning…wait, is that…a Steam-Powered Queen Victoria Automaton, it can fire infrared laser beams! It completely destroyed the Mercury Dragon and all of the Robo-Nazis! Alucard and the Wasp-Centurions win!
What! The schoolgirls are giving themselves to Alucard and his Wasp-Centurions? And it's turning into a massive orgy! How could this get better! OH MY GOD! The Automaton Queen Victoria is doing the Thriller Dance! THAT IS AMAZING!
"That is it, I am going home, you can all burn and die!" growled Kratos.
…What's his problem?
Later at home, exactly nine-o'-clock, laying on my bed, remembering the kickass battle I just saw…I wish you were there, I couldn't even describe it!
Heavy rushed in and opened my desk drawer, searching for something, going "YA DADADADADADADADADAH! KABOOM! KABOOM!"
Damn nursery rhymes.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked.
He then pulled out scissors and showed them to me. "SCISSORS! NEED THEM FOR CRRRAFTS!
"Next time, will you just ask for the scissors next time?" I asked hesitantly.
"NO!" roared Heavy, he then laughed as he skipped out of my room.
"Heavy don't run with scissors or you'll…"
I heard a loud bump, silence, then, "…WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH!"
Damn, this would be so much better with sound clips…
"I'll call the hospital…"
After going through the hospital paperwork and all that jibber-jabber, we got Heavy home, got him a new esophagus, and we went to bed.
I started to doze off, swearing I saw that slug crawling on the ceiling, until he was just above my head, were his eyes turned backwards slowly and looked at me eerily.
Before I could even care, I fell asleep…
Have you ever had wet dreams? They are also called "nocturnal emissions", most people think they are caused by succubi temptresses sent by the demoness Lilith. But it is actually just the body being so incredibly sexually repressed that it is just going to orgasm whether you like it or not.
And it is not just boys who have it, girls have nocturnal emissions as well. So, you know what that means, right?
That means you should stop the purity crap and just go have fun, do heavy petting, have a circle jerk, or have sex. Just whatever, enough is enough! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
"Squidward, wake up!"
"Neeeeeeeeehhhh!"
"Squidward!"
"!"
"Squidward!"
"Go away, Heavy, leave me alone!"
"WAKE UP!"
I woke up, inadvertently muttering out, "Mr. Krab's, don't get the stick again, I'm up…"
I looked around to see Kratos and the school…all bloody and wrecked…oh shit…we are in Kratos' closed space, aren't we?
"Squidward, wake up!" ordered Kratos, I guess noticing I am awake is delayed for him…
"Um, where are we?" I asked nervously.
"The school, dummy!" growled Kratos.
"Did WWIII happen?" I let out, "Or was there an Angel attack?"
"No, I think we were captured by Steve," replied Kratos. My god, leave Steve alone!
"So, what should we do?" I asked.
"Find someone still alive, dummy!" growled Kratos, "And if it's a chick, we repopulate the Earth!"
"Gotcha," I replied lethargically.
We both walked around, I noticed Kratos was in his loincloth and I was in my brown shirt. We wandered around until we got to the exit of the school grounds, but when we tried to get out, we saw a red force field block our path. It felt like a brick wall, and hurt my skull-less head very much.
"It's a force field, made out of chaotic energy," explained Kratos.
"It seems to run through the school," I guessed.
"No shit," growled Kratos. Gee, that wasn't harsh at all!
"So, what do we do?" I asked half-assfully.
"…We see if we can phone home," replied Kratos, in pure dead seriousness, "Let's go inside and look in the main office."
I bashed a window open with a chair, something I always wanted to do, that just makes you feel ten-feet tall, man!
Kratos grabbed the phone, where he kept on shouting, "Hello? Hello!"
The phone was silent, until he heard a reply.
"Excuse me, good sir! Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do! Well, you better let the poor guy out! WAHA WAHA WAHA WAHA WAHA!"
Kratos then smashed the phone, prompting me to ask what is it, where he replied, "Just Pennywise trying to sell me some more shave cream."
"Okay…" I let out, backing away more slowly.
We both then entered what remains of the SOS Brigade room, were I sat down and looked at the wall.
"You stay here, Squidward, I'm going to find out more about this cool place," replied Kratos, leaving me all alone in the creepy place you call "EVIL".
After I took a number one on the wall after a quick number three, I looked out the window to see a little green ball. I opened the window as it materialized into a silhouette of Mentok the Mind-Taker.
"No shit, Sherlock," he replied, with his snaky attitude.
"Mentok, what the World Wide Web is going on here!" I yelled out.
"Well, obviously Kratos got bored with the old world and now is recreating into this one, the one he always wanted. A gory place of carnage and destruction." explained Mentok, with his hands moving about again.
"So, what is going on over in the other world?"
"Oh, well, there's tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, eruptions, blizzards, floods, diseases, famine, death, rape, murder…pretty much the end of the world."
"I wish I could see that," I replied in awe.
"Well, maybe you should have described the battle this afternoon, douche! Anyway, we might all disappear afterwards, and even with my great mind-taking powers, this is all I can see into the future…so…you are on your own kid…"
"Wait, how do I get everything back together? The way it's suppose to be?"
"I don't know, I can't see any further than now, it's scary as hell! I am even having a hard time getting into this form, the other Espers can't even get into here! It sucks, man, it seriously fucking sucks, man!"
"But why am I hear, why was I brought here!"
"I don't know, maybe he likes you…"
"What does that mean?"I suddenly saw his silhouette shrinking, he then looked around and sighed. "Well, it looks like I am starting to fade, I got a few messages for you, one from Azula, she said, 'She's sorry for your misery', hell, being the only living thing around Kratos is going to be hell for you, you betcha!"
He was only an orb now, nearly gone by this point. "Wait, anything else, I don't want to die!"
"Geez, can't you die with dignity? Anyway, Dalek Yuki says to 'Turn on the damn computer', peace out, bitches, I'm outtie!"
The orb disappeared, leaving me all alone…I'm actually scared, more than usual. I don't know what is going to happen, and I hate it…
I turned on the computer, seeing only a black screen, with white typing saying, "HWZ IT GOIN?"
Well, never expected Dalek Yuki to speak text. I typed, "Not much, just waiting for death."
"DNT WORY, EVRYTHN IZ GNA B ALRIT!"
"I can hardly understand you."
"GTFO!"
"Seriously."
"WELL, TIS MIT B R LAST TLK 2 EACH OTHER, SO LISTN WELL."
"Alright."
"U NEED 2 GET EVRYTHIN BAK 2 NORM, OR WE R ALL SCRWD!"
"How?"
"IDK."
"Well, isn't that swell."
Suddenly, the whole school shook, and it seemed the computer is starting to lose power.
"HOLY SH!T, WTF WUZAT!"
"IDK! WHAT DO I DO!"
"LOL U STUPID!"
"Asshole," I grumbled to myself.
Before the computer lost connection, Yuki typed in, "Sleeping Beauty."
I suddenly saw something out in the school grounds, whatever it was, I didn't like it. I then heard Kratos smashing in.
"Look, Squidward, it's a monster!"
I looked into the blue light, to see something so powerful, it would easily dwarf Kratos in power, that I can say.
Something more powerful than Mentok, more powerful than Kratos, and more powerful than Godzilla, it…was…
"COOKIEZ!"
The Cookie Monster, I kid you not, a 150-foot tall Cookie Monster, staring lifelessly at the area.
"We gotta get out of here!" I screamed.
"Maybe it isn't evil, maybe it doesn't want to hurt us," argued Kratos.
It looked into the windows and yelled at us, "MMMMM, LOOK AT DA LITTLE COOKIE PEOPLE! I'M GONNA EAT DA COOKIE PEOPLE!"
"Okay, we can run now," agreed Kratos.
We then ran across school, as the giant Cookie Monster started to smash the entire school, eating bits of it as if it were cookies.
The sound of "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" struck fear into my poor heart, pounding more harder than Kratos with his ladies!
"We should kill it!" roared Kratos as we ran out of the school. Cookie Monster roaring at us as we ran.
"Yeah, how are you going to kill the Cookie Monster, no one can kill it!" I argued.
"But it's actually happening, something cool, and awesome, a world I want!" roared Kratos, "For both of us!"
"I don't want this world!" I yelled.
"What the fuck, Squidward!" yelled Kratos.
"I miss everyone in the other world, I miss that pompous asshole Mentok, crazy-ass Dalek Yuki, scary yet sexy Azula, I miss Patrick, and Spongebob, and Lo Pan, and Heavy, I even miss that Xenomorph, Ryoko! Don't you!"
"Don't worry, I'm sure that they'll be here as well!"
"I'm not talking about seeing them here, I want to see them in the old world!"
Suddenly, Kratos stopped, I stopped to, looking at him, he was looking at the ground. "Why, why do you reject this reality!" he interrogated angrily.
""Wha!" I let out.
"This is a better world, a world better than the last, aren't you tired of it! This life is much better than that one! Something I can kill will come, that is all I am, a Juggernaut, bitch! Don't you understand, this was meant for me! I am a mass murderer! Not a school girl!"
I couldn't focus, the Cookie Monster and a lot of Cookie Monsterlings were moving towards me.
"You know, I used to hate that world, but not anymore," I replied, with water in my eyes, "But not until I met you, and the others in the SOS Brigade. I mean, sure, there was Spongebob and Patrick, but I kinda feel like you are my family, even though you throw stuff at me, hurt me, and even kill me! But hey, that's family right!"
Kratos looked at me in confusion. Why is this happening, is this the end. I suddenly remembered Peewee Herman, and about Snow White, along with Yuki telling me about Sleeping Beauty.
I then walked to Kratos, having to look up to see him face-to-face. I then said, with a smile and tears in my eyes, "You know, I think you'd look cool with a bandana on your head. That cliché was killer."
"What the fuck, Squidward!" let out Kratos.
I then, out of nowhere, gave him a bear hug, exclaiming as the Cookie Monsters came at us, "I love you, man…"
Suddenly, the whole world seemed to shatter, revealing a black void with millions of ghost-like specters surrounding us.
Suddenly, I woke up in a torrent of sweat and something sticky in my sheets. I quickly got up and looked at the clock, it was exactly 5:30 AM.
I sighed and cursed at myself for having a strange dream. I can't believe I did that, that was so…maybe it wasn't a dream…nah, nah, I would never say that to Kratos…you know…
I looked to my right and saw Heavy smiling at me, I screamed and leapt to my feet.
"AHAHAHA! DID BABY SOIL DAIPER! YOU ARE BABY!" taunted Heavy, who then laughed as he skipped out of my room, where I heard a loud thud, silence, and then, "WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
"Great, another trip to the hospital!" I groaned.
So, is this world a new world, created by Kratos? Maybe what I said got through to him, recreating this world as it should be…bringing order to chaos.
I walked into the class room, seeing Kratos in his school uniform, looking grumpily bored, and a yellow bandana strapped around his head.
"So, how was last night?" I asked nicely.
"I had some stupid homo-erotic dream, I don't want to talk about it, I just want to kill Monkey D. Luffy again…"
I didn't want to say something when I sat in front of him, but I just had to, so I said to him in honor, "You know, you look like a badass with that bandana on your head."
Kratos said nothing, just looked out the window…just as it should be…
"So, micro-brain? What did you do to make Kratos bring everything back to normal?" asked Mentok after school as we drank soda on the outside tables.
"I just did a little diplomacy," I explained, "Bringing order to chaos."
"Yeah, yeah, I read your mind, what a puss-thing you did!" laughed Mentok.
"Yeah, laugh it up, green-man!" I groaned, "Just to tell you, I lied the whole thing!"
"Yeah, I believe you," replied Mentok, walking away, giving me a wink and drinking his soda as it flew in the air.
I didn't pay attention, and continued to drink my soda.
"YOU AND KRATOS WERE GONE FOR THIRTY MINUTES! IN ONE MINUTE IT WAS HELL ON EARTH! AND THEN, EVERYTHING WENT BACK TO NORMAAAAAAL!"
"So, are there other aliens like you?" I asked.
"YES! BUT DO NOT WORRY, I WILL PROTECT YOU!"
"Cephalopod?" let out a voice.
I looked to see Azula looking at me from the door with indifference. I smiled and rushed towards her, with my arms open wide.
"AZULA! I MISSED YOU!" I yelled out.
She then held out her palm, to which I quickly stopped. "I believe our interaction yesterday was the cause for Kratos' creation of the other world, we should keep interaction at a minimum next time."
"Well, alright, if you say so," I replied with sadness caused by repressed heterosexuality, "Oh, by the way, you have a birthmark on your left butt cheek of…""Whistler's Mother, I know," finished Azula quickly, "It's not like I'm too stupid to notice if I have a birthmark on me, you fool!"
I sighed and nodded, sitting at my desk as I took my job as being the butt monkey of the SOS Brigade again.
Well, the SOS Brigade finally became a certified club, after going through a mountain of paper work, tests, and we had to kill Adolf Hitler's lost grandson.
We also had a rule, where the last person late would get a penalty, and would have to pay for the whole thing.
Strangely, as I stood at the usual spot with my brown shirt, Mentok, Yuki, and Azula all had errands to run, Kratos the last one to show. He looked unhappy, maybe because everyone was gone, or he was the last one there.
Either way, he showed his unhappiness by beheading a passerby with his blades.
Anyway, I planned, as we walked to the café, I wanted to talk to him about killing people, causing destructions, what porn Azula should be in, the American's chances in the War with the Reptilians…
But first, I want to talk to him about something real important.
Like, does this chapter at all seems really fucking rushed or something? I don't know, is it me? It's probably just me, right? I don't know, it seems pretty rushed to me…
The Banana Slug: Zip it, Squidward, or I'll cut ya!
Anyway, I decided to keep on making chapters, and I might even make adaptations of the chapters of the novels, even though I only watch the show, but I'm willing to bust a nut.
Well, see ya next time, reader.