The Banana Slug: Hiiiiiii…
I was at first against making more than six chapters, buuuuut I had real fun making the chapters, so guess what!
I'M MAKING ANOTHER! ALL THE WAY TO…THE END…OF THE ANIME…CURRENTLY…
…Fuck it…
THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 7: The Boringdom of Kratos
AKA
ARE YA READY FO' SUM BASEBAAAALL!
Sitting down, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Mentok, drinking tea that a nurse-uniformed Azula served everyone…oh, and Dalek Yuki was there too…
It all made me wonder, why do I get this feeling I have seen this all before? Like, this has happened before and I don't remember it…
No, wait, that stupid Endless Eight crap isn't on this one, isn't it? Dammit, oh well, which episode is it again? The which episode? Whatball?
Then, Kratos smashes through the wall and yells, "We are going to play baseball! Free steroids all around!"
Like he needs steroids, he's pure testosterone without them! Wait, baseball? Did he say we are going to play baseball?
Great, this is a baseball episode! What next, are we going to have a clip show? Maybe a beach episode? Oh, oh, I know let's have an episode where we repeat the same shit eight goddamn times!
"Squidward, stop being a pessimist!"
Alright, alright, Mentok, I'll stop, but I'm just saying! Okay, I decided to voice my opinions, even though it'll fall on deaf ears.
"Did you say baseball?" I asked with a raised…brow.
"Yes, yes I did, I wish my opinions would not fall on deaf ears," answered Kratos grumpily.
"So, you signed us up for baseball, that is what I am guessing, right?" I asked in my ever-present uncaring tone.
"HE JUST SAID THAAAT!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"We just need to find four more people," Kratos told everyone, "We just have to find people good at baseball."
"Well, that'll be hard to do, you killed nearly everyone on the entire planet," I reminded harshly.
"I know, but they fucking started it," growled Kratos.
"How?" I argued.
"…They were born," answered Kratos coldly. Well, that shut me up.
"Okay, but why are we doing this anyway?" I asked.
"Is it to show what the SOS Brigade is made of?" asked Azula.
Kratos then grabbed her by the neck and started to squeeze it. "No, it's because Banana Slug said I had a small penis, and killing him won't change that but winning a game of baseball does, and we better win, because you know how much I hate to lose!"
He then threw her out the window and bit my nose off, making me scream in pain…
After an hour of proving how much he hates to lose and a few minutes in the ER, we met up at the Brigade Room again.
"So, does anyone know of anyone who can join our team?" interrogated Kratos.
"You threw me through a window," added Azula blankly.
"No I didn't," added Kratos quickly.
"I can get Spongebob and Patrick to help," I added, holding my bandaged nose.
"Anyone else?" interrogated Kratos.
"I know someone," added Azula.
Azula…a friend? With her? Of all people? A jest I say! A jest!
"No it's not, it's a friend from this time period!" argued Azula. Dumbass, Mentok is the psychic one, not you!
"I got someone," added Mentok.
"Who?" I asked cautiously.
"Phil Ken Se…"
"No, I got someone."
"…He can play a mean cricke…"
"N-O spells no, Mentok!"
"Fine!" pouted Mentok, crossing his arms and looking away, mumbling, "Spoil sport."
"So, um, where do we practice?" I asked.
"Over there!" shouted Kratos, pointing at somewhere…not sure exactly where he was pointing at…the wall maybe…I'm guessing the wall…that's my most likely guess…
Afterwards, we walked towards the baseball field to…OH! So that's what he was pointing too, I couldn't see with the blinding light from nowhere.
Anyway, we where drafted into the baseball tournament, fighting more experienced and possibly more famous players because…well, Kratos was bored…hey, at least he wasn't smiling like an idiot!
He approached the baseball team, the Yip-Yips, and was then ready to negotiate with these slimy Martians.
"Okay, listen, we need to use the field, and we'd also want to use your field," growled Kratos.
They stared at him and started to spout a bunch of pointless words. "Use..field? Use field? Use field? Use field? Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!"
We all paused at that pointless example of unneeded cameos. Kratos sighed and ordered, "Get out of the field and let us use your stuff, now!"
"Uuuum…uuuum…nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope-nope-nope-nope-nope-nope!"
"We only need to use it for a little while," he then grabbed Azula and pulled her in front of him, "Right Azula?"
With a total look of apathy, Azula was ogled by the Martians. "Ooooooh, ooooooooooh," the Yip-Yips ooed, "Sixteen? Sixteen? Sixteen? Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!"
She then pointed her finger up and smirked as a fireball appeared at the tip, blazing with blue flames.
"OOOH! OOOOH! UH-OH! UH-OH!" ooed the Yip-Yips, they then yelled as they ran away.
Aliens are so predictable.
"THAT IS NOT TRUUUE!"
Why is everyone reading my mind when Mentok is the only one that can read minds?
We were then lined up in front of the path of Kratos' wrath, who held a bat as the Yips held the ball with their…tentacles…
He then struck the ball, sending the orb of leather and newspaper clippings right at us. It zoomed past Azula's face as she was putting on the baseball mitt.
"Hey, I wasn't ready!" yelled Azula, who ducked from the other ball.
"The enemy will not care if you dodge, they will kill you!" roared Kratos, who proceeded to continue to hit balls at us.
It was ridoodoodiculous, and I did not steal that from Adventure Time, the balls were coming straight at us, so hard and fast. I had a hard time keeping up with Kratos, Mentok had a much more harder time though, the balls kept on hitting his face, he had to take a minute to recover. Yuki just stood there and took the releases of the ball, even catching a few with…
"Oh my god, do you even hear yourself!"Huh…
…
…OH! Grow up!
Azula was pelted by the baseballs, hitting her stomach. She shrugged it off and was still ready to play. Suddenly, the ball rolled and gently tapped her toe.
"GAAAAAAH!" she screamed and fell the ground in pain, "It hurts! Oh god it hurts! How could you do that! How could you do something like that!"
"Don't worry, next one is coming for your head!" yelled Kratos, getting ready to shoot.
I had no choice, my fifth tentacle told me to save Azula from the angry Kratos, who was pissed off as usual.
I ran to Azula, dodging a barrage of incoming baseballs, finally coming on Azula…I mean, TO Azula, I came to Azula.
"Yeah, yeah, it's not funny anymore."
I knelt beside her, my "hands" on her shoulders. "Are you alright, Azula?"
"My toe hurts, what do you think?" growled Azula, "Now, stop getting too nice or the Cookie Monster will destroy us all."
I got her too her feet, and started to lead her to the caged area. Kratos the yelled at us, "What are you doing! We still have to practice some more!"
"She's injured, Kratos!" I argued. Suddenly, a baseballs zoomed past my head.
"NOT AS MUCH AS YOUR HEAD!" roared Kratos.
Me and Azula ran from the wrathful baseballs of Kratos.
"Oh! If you didn't say "base" I would've had so much fun with that line!"
Kratos growled as we safely got away from his wrathful baseballs. "Alright, now it's time for the Martians!"
The Yip-Yips looked around, "yipping" to each other…as did the Martians from Mars Attacks, but they were "eh-ing" to each other.
"The stupid Martians!" yelled Kratos. They continued to "eh" and "yip" to each other.
"The more likely Martians!"
The "eh" Martians let out sounds of disappointment as the "yip" Martians yipped with glee…for a while…
We watched as Kratos batted the Yips across the sky, possibly killing them, well, at least until they come back with a message from Rammstein…wow, the author must really like Rammstein, I wonder how else he'll reference them…
"Huh," let out Mentok with amazement, "Kratos batted about 1000 Yip-yips."
"I am not amazed that you paid attention, but I am more amazed that you said that." I told lethargically.
As Dalek Yuki was leaving, I stopped her and whispered into her "ear", "Hey, do you think it is possible to make some weather changes, like a huge storm that cancels the game?"
"IT IS POSSIBLE! BUT I WOULD ADVISE AGAINST THIS! WE WOULD DEVASTATE THE ENVIROMENT IN 100 TO 10,000 YEEEAAARS!"
"…So?" I asked, not caring for the future.
Dalek Yuki turned to me and just looked at me from her eyestalk thing. "YOU ARE A COLD-HEARTED BASTARD!"
She then hovered away…I was told off by a xenophobic Dalek…does anyone know the word, "hypocrite"?
The day of the baseball tournament has finally arrived, did I mention it was on Saturday, and it was Friday? So, I guess Patrick had a point…we DO skip past some important plot moments…
So, I wonder who is going to parody Tsuruya? Is it Haruko Haruhara? They are voiced by the same person. Or maybe Chowder? They both have that tooth thing…
"Nyeheheheheheheh! Nyehahahahahahahah! AAAH HA HA HAAA HA HA HAAAAAA!"
Oh, right…the laughing. I turned around to find the B:TAS version of the Joker, wearing a purple version of the jumpsuit with green lines.
"So, you are Squidward, eh?" hissed the Joker, "Have any fun with the female students! AH HAAAA HA HA HAAAAAA!"
…Heh, heh, that was actually kind of funny…
"Oh, Squidward," let out Azula as she walked toward us, "I see you have met my friend, the Joker."
Spongebob and Patrick then rushed past me and did not know the danger of the Joker. "Hi, I'm Spongebob Squarepants, and this is Patrick Star!"
"Nice to meet ya!" greeted Patrick.
"Ooooh, so you are Spongebob and you are Patrick, eh? I'll have to remember it when I visit your funerals! AAAH HA HA HAAA HA HA HAAAA!"
"Squidward!" shouted Kratos from behind me, who was wearing his red loincloth, "Get your ass over here!"
I did as he said, for when Kratos has the red loincloth on, he means murder.
We then spoke from behind the stands, with Kratos mad as hell. "Are you serious? You are going to let something like that play baseball?"
He then pointed at my sister…brother…Heavy, who was throwing Spongebob in the air, both of them laughing like idiots.
"Hey, don't call my big brother a…yeah, sure, he's a something, but it's still rude as hell!" I argued.
"He introduced himself as a ten-year old fifth grader, what does that say?"
"Okay, he might be a little off in the head, but…"
"This isn't just some little league, this is a man's baseball tournament! Real men play this, you understand!"
Yes, of course Kratos, which is why I brought my mentally unstable brother here in the first place. I mean, we don't have a chance in hell to win the tournament, I mean, we have a God of War, a mind-taking lunatic, a fire-using psycho-bitch, a Dalek, an insane criminal, and a Russian maniac with a mini-gun…
Oh, shit…
"Alright, alright, he'll be a bit of a handicap, I don't want to win this too easily…"
…Are you serious, Kratos?
"Why so serious, Squidward? AAH HA HAAAA!"
…Do I have a radio in my head right now?
As we sat on the stands, watching two homeless guys fight over a half-eaten hot dog, I decided to ask Kratos something.
"BTW, did you figure out the batting order?" I asked.
"Yes, yes I did, Squidward," answered Kratos, he then showed me two paper sheets in his hands.
"One for field things, the other for batting whatevers," explained Kratos, "I'm also the first to bat and the pitcher."
"Like always?" I asked, he nodded, I then looked at the sheets again, "Hey, this one is just a drawing of you having sex with Haruko from FLCL!"
"I was distracted," growled Kratos.
"And this other one is just 'Die, Squidward, Die' over and over again," I argued.
"Okay, you choose the batting order if you are so smart, clarinet-boy!" growled Kratos.
Oh, I will, and you leave my clarinet out of this, muscle-head!
"What was that?"
Oh, nothing! Sorry, open-minded…apparently…
So, after an hour of hard decisions of choosing who gets to bat and who stands on what field, cursing in silence about Kratos' poor decision, the homeless guys were both defeated by Heavy, who was hungry, for he missed lunch.
I think I shouldn't worry about this, as our first team is Red Skull and the Sentinels, who are a shoe-in to win this season. Great, we are fighting against a super-Nazi and a bunch of racist robots, there is no way we can win! Fantastic!
Soon, it will all be over and I can go home!
"May ze best mensch win!" hissed Red Skull.
"I intend to," growled Kratos. They both glared at each other and walked away, with their respective teams. Boy, things are gonna get rough!
Suddenly, we stopped to see the Banana Slug sitting at the Red Skull's stands, eating caramel-covered popcorn and drinking Pepsi with lemon in it.
"What are you doing up there?" I interrogated, "You are only suppose to be here in small cameos! If you keep on doing this, people are going to assume you are a n00b for putting yourself in a story!"
"Shaddap, I am the couch!" yelled the Banana Slug, "So, suck my hermaphroditic dick and play ball!"
The game started with Kratos to bat and Red Skull to pitch, looks like Red Skull's the pitcher in this game…heh, heh.
Red Skull pitched the ball and Kratos nearly knocked it out of the park, he only had a short time before a Sentinel jumped up and caught the ball.
"You call that a pitch!" taunted Kratos.
"Ihre Mutter saugt die Penisse von ranzigem Ziegen," hissed Red Skull.
"…What?" let out Kratos, not understanding German. I think Banana Slug did, as he was laughing like hell.
Red Skull then nodded to a Sentinel, who proceeded to nod back as Azula took her place. "Alright, let's play some…"
She then ducked as a baseball zoomed past her, reliving horrible memories of her toe getting hit by Kratos' baseball.
Besides, Red Skull is hitting to hard, if he hits her I'll…I'll…be very cross but won't be able to do anything because Red Skull scares me.
After Azula shamefully lost to Red Skull's terrifying throws, Banana Slug started to laugh at her and call her rude names.
"You suck! Why don't you go back to Middle-Earth Japan or whatever it is called! You're a freak! UHHHHGH!"
Dalek Yuki didn't even swing the bat, just let them fly past her.
"OH, I see, you can't bat! AAAAW! I'm sorry, are you a retard Dalek! Do you need your poop-soaked diaper changed! AHAHAHAHAAA!"
Wow, those taunts are brutal. As I took my place, I completely missed the ball zooming past me, with Red Skull smiling at me. I attempted to hit it again, but I missed.
I glared at Red Skull, and he smirked at me, he then threw the ball, I swung the bat…and I missed, I completely missed.
"You are a failure as a squid! You don't even look like a squid, more like an aborted octopus! LOL TO THE MAX, BIATCH!"
Damn Slug…
After our turn ended, Kratos yelled out, "Let's prove why Japan is not affiliated with Nazi Germany anymore!"
We all shouted with courage, ready to take down these racists, even though the Sentinels are a different kind of racist, and in canon, they would not join Red Skull at all, but since we don't care…we don't care.
Red Skull was up to bat, and he was "destroyed" by Kratos, who just threw the balls past them, he didn't even see them!
"Nice pitching!" yelled Mentok as he threw the ball back to Kratos.
"Grun Jude," growled Red Skull.
"Huh?" let out Mentok as Red Skull left the position, replaced by a Sentinel. But as he passed the Sentinel, he whispered, "Ihn vernichten." Don't ask me how I know this, I just do.
So, the Sentinel was up to bat, and he hit Kratos' baseball in a matter of seconds, the second one went past Dalek Yuki, who was looking at a butterfly, and out of the stadium.
Even with the Joker's good catching, Mentok's will, and Heavy's luck, we were still greatly losing.
Another factor was Red Skull's pitching, who was so great that it passes Heavy's mentality and Spongebob's strength, seriously, Spongebob hit one, but it still went past him!
Looks like we'll be going home next inning! And I have no respect for myself…
"TIME-OUT!" roared Kratos, he then dragged Azula to behind the stands.
After a few minutes, Azula was dressed up as a cheerleader, and Kratos was dressed up as…Captain America?
I wonder why Captain America, I then looked at Red Skull, who looked like someone just called him that which he hates. His body was shaking, and he had a hate-stare so great that it could boil water.
"I dedicate this next hit to all of Israel!" roared Patrick, who failed to bring glory to the great badass country of Israel, as he missed every shot.
Kratos was next to bat, with Red Skull trembling with hate, he then threw the ball, yet only half in concentration, as Kratos hit the ball and got to the next base.
Oh, I see, Kratos is using Red Skull's hatred of America and it's eponymous hero to confuse Red Skull. Sadly, it did not work for Azula, who was still missing the shots. Kratos kept on waving flags around, but I don't think Azula understand that kind of code.
"Yello?" laughed Mentok as he answered his phone, "Mhm, mhm, mhm, who? Elmo? Why Elmo? You can't what? Okay. Okay. Okay. No, I guess I'll just have a sandwich…extra mayo. Maybe throw in a slice of bacon…Hey! If the world is going to end, I really don't care about the way my ass looks! Okay, I love you too, Momtok, bye."
As I sat down, Mentok pushed his face into mine and said cryptically, "Things are going down the shitter right now."
"Don't care," I replied quickly, "But tell me anyway…"
"A Closed Space, bigger than the rest…except maybe the one you were in, has just formed and is spreading like wildfire, and we're all doomed as crap."
"Why is this happening, is it because we are losing?"
He then got up and left the stands, he turned to me with a glare.
"No duh, micro-brain! Soon, everything will end, and 'booweeoop' goes existence! So, play for your life or we're all going to be like Miley Cyrus in five years."
…Screwed.
At the next inning, a Sentinel sent a ball straight at Heavy, who was shooting at a butterfly who was annoying him.
"YOU LITTLE BABY! I WILL MAKE YOU LIKE SANDWICH! IN MY BELLY!"
I ran like hell, running for the ball, it was like Satan was sticking a pitchfork on my ass. I leapt out and, thankfully, caught the damn ball.
As the other team mates congratulated me, I sat down next to Mentok, who pressed his face on mine again.
"Anyway, as I was saying," Mentok said with a smile.
"A little close Mentok?" I asked.
"Sorry, I might be gay or Metrosexual, cannot say," laughed Mentok, who then continued from his last speech, "Remember when you and Kratos were in the Closed Space, how did you guys get out?"
"Cannot say," I replied.
"Well, if you tried that again, maybe it'll be all fine!"
"Not likely," I replied again.
"Fine, doom all existence, you selfish prick, I guess we'll have to go the hard way, by winning!" Mentok angrily chastised me. That was really deep and hurtful, but I cannot and will not do that again, as my pride is bigger than my love for humanity.
I then looked at Dalek Yuki, who was pouring the blood from a Chicken's throat on the bat and was chanting French or something.
"What is Yuki doing?" I asked myself.
"I don't know, I think Yuki is just messed up in the head or something," groaned Azula.
When it was Dalek Yuki's turn to bat, she used that plunger thing to bat with. When the ball aced at her, she hit it, and it shot right up in the sky. As Dalek Yuki hovered through the bases, a plane fell right behind her, blowing up afterwards.
"TAKE IIIIT!" screamed Dalek Yuki as she gave me the bat, "I PUT A CHEAT ON THE BAT, IT WILL HOME IN ON THE BAAAAT!"
Hacking Dalek…oh well, we just have to watch out for that guy who killed Ryoko the Xenomorph.
We were starting to win, even those with poor batting experience, like Spongebob, were hitting home runs…even though I think we killed a squirrel.
As I took the bat, I noticed Red Skull and his posse were secretly looking at the bat, studying it. If they discover what the bat could do, they could steal it and win…and I know he'd do it, he's a Nazi!
I approached Dalek Yuki and said, "I think that is good enough, right?"
"SURE, WHY NOOOOOT!" screeched Dalek Yuki.
Oh, sure, we began to lose again, but this time, we were tied, and this is the last inning, if we can keep Red Skull's team from scoring, then we win!
"So, is it a good thing we are winning?" I asked Mentok.
"Oh, that's not a big deal, if we lose, billions of people will die, but that's not important," sarcastically replied Mentok, boy, hitting below the belt, hm? "But since we are winning, the Closed Space is subsiding and everything is returning to Norman."
"But if we lose?""Simple: Booweeoop."
Great, all of existence is determined in a fight against the Germans…again!
"hey, Squids, I have a master plan!" Mentok added.
"Am I going to like this?" I asked suspiciously.
"Of course…maybe…not at all," replied Mentok nervously.
I hate cheating, but I had no choice, the world, if you call it a world, is at stake. So, Dalek Yuki would secretly shock the Sentinels with EMP waves and make them miss, causing them to strike.
"Victory will be glorious!" triumphantly roared Kratos, "And the Red Skull will cry back to Germany!"
Oh shit, Red Skull, he was next to bat, and he isn't a robot…at least, not this one. And wouldn't you know it, I am pitching! I am more screwed than the female students of this school…not me, I swear! It's the Banana Slug, he has tentacles in his mouth.
"Suuuure, Squidward, just try and not doom the whole universe!"
Damn you, Mentok!
I threw the ball in anger, and thankfully my anger was not as great as Red Skull's anger, causing him to miss and the ball to pass him.
Yes! We are going to win! We are going to win! We are going to…WE ARE GOING TO LOSE!
The ball tapped the mitt and fell on the ground, somehow counting as a hit. Red Skull then sprinted past Yuki and ran to the base.
"Pick up the ball, Yuki!" I yelled.
"WHAT IS A BAAAALL!" screeched Dalek Yuki.
"The round thingie!" I yelled.
"OH, THAT THING!" screeched Dalek Yuki, who grabbed the ball and looked at it.
"What are you doing Yuki!" roared Kratos.
"IT IS BEAUTIFUL! MUST EX-TERM-IN-ATE!" screeched Dalek Yuki.
"Throw it!" I screamed, feeling my testes rise up into my body.
Dalek Yuki then pointed it at Kratos and sent it flying towards him, it quickly took off his glove and flew pass him.
Red Skull smiled as he raced to the base, but was surprised by Azula flying past him, with the ball in her hands, shouting, "Sie verlieren, Shwanz Gesicht!" She then threw the ball at Red Skull's face, effectively making him "OUT"!
Red Skull in shame fell hard on the ground and was put on a state of shock, staring at the sky with his mouth open and his eyes full of bloody tears.
We all cheered in victory and the Sentinels gathered around the defeated Red Skull, who are pretty much feeling the pain of a thousand humiliated Doctor Dooms, Doctor Dooms defeated by Squirrel Girl.
"Boy, that stings, but fair guessing of the pain he's feeling!" laughed Mentok, reading my mind, "But what about the next game?"
"Oh ho ho, I am trying to figure that one out right now!" I nervously laughed, knowing that I have no clue about what to do completely.
Kratos then approached us and said in pure seriousness, "I am bored, I hate baseball."
"So, should we forfeit?" I asked hopefully.
"Yeah, Baseball is not for me, too much tobacco can hurt the gums," replied Kratos in boredom, who then walked to the stands, not before saying, "I am hungry, let's get something to eat."
"Well, that problem solved itself," laughed Mentok nervously.
Yeah, yeah, what a weak ending.
"So, you concede?" asked Red Skull.
"Yeah, we forfit, you win," I replied, hiding my hate, "See ya."
"Wait," yelled out Red Skull.
"Yeah?" I asked nervously.
And so, afterwards, we all enjoyed an after-game lunch at WotLK's. I wasn't hungry, so I just had an Icecrown Blue Lemonade, but everyone else had a Lichburger with Kel'Thu-Fries.
Well, I hope Red Skull wins, he deserved it…
...
…No, I don't mean it, I hope he loses, he's a Nazi! I hate Nazis! They are horrible people and they should feel bad! That goes for Sentinels as well! Sure, Mutants are dangerous, but they are dangerous because we hate them!
"That'll tell 'em, Squidward!"
Whatever, eat your Ghoul Nuggets and your Howling Fjord Fillet!
The Banana Slug: HA HAAAAAA! I should be outlawed…on the account I make lemons and a crackfic no one reads!
Oh well, sorry this one took some time, had to figure out who'd be the pirates and who'd be Tsuruya, wish they gave her more screen time…
The next one is going ot be hard, I have to figure out if I am going to go by Season 2 episode line or Season 1...
If I can find episodes on YouTube, think I can make a good decision…wait a minute...
WAS I WRITTEN OUT OF THE STORY! MY OWN STORY! DAMN IT! I am soooo firing Squidward!