The Banana Slug: Well, I decided to do Season 2, yet cannot find any English Dubs on the net, so I used the Japanese version, WHICH is not a problem.
The only problem is that I have to bury deep into the bowels of the innernette to find the episodes!
Some times I wonder if this is too much trouble…Oh well, I just hope they release episodes with Sasaki and the Bizarro SOS Brigade soon!
THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 8: Banana Slug Leaf Rhapsody
AKA
"This Time is Full of Poison!"
Summer sucks, it is when your balls get so sweaty that they stick to your thighs like silly putty, or is that just the author's problem? I'm sure many people in the world have sticky balls during Summer, it's the most likely thing to happen in the Summer.
I mean, IF you have balls, the heat will make them saggy like your grandpa's in a normal day. Thankfully, my testes are located deep inside my body, for I am a squid.
As I sat on my desk, flapping a magazine like a fan, Kratos poked me with his blades, but with the pain I usually endure that was nothing.
"Hey, guess what day it is," growled Kratos.
"Your birthday?" I asked curiously.
Kratos was silent, he then added grimly, "My birthday was just yesterday."
"Oh, sorry!" I nervously laughed, "Wh-what day is it?"
"What date is it, you should know, you tentacle freak!" growled Kratos.
"Okay, it's July 7th, so that…OH! You mean the Tanabata Festival?"
"No shit, you're Japanese, you should know that!"
"I am not Japanese, I am from the Pacific Ocean, and neither are you, you are from Greece!" I argued, "The only 'Japanese' person is Azula, and she's just considered Pseudo-Japanese!"
"Enough of your complicated words!" growled Kratos, "We are going to celebrate this shit more than Christmas!"
Wait, do the Japanese celebrate Christmas? Well, I'm sure for the gift-giving stuff…
Banana Slug Rhapsody, which is the "glory" of being controlled via the laptop of a guy who thinks he's a writer, but is not! He writes fanfictions, this is not real writing! I hate slugs, especially Banana Slugs!
…
When I get home, I am going to use up all my salt on live Banana Slugs!
I entered the room, seeing Mentok sitting where he always sits, Azula serving tea dressed up as a maid, and Dalek Yuki reading her book…nothing exciting happens here…
"Wrong anime, bucko!"
Damn green mind-taker.
As I sat down, Azula poured me some tea and Mentok pulled out a Clue board game…is Clue the new chess?
Suddenly, the door opened with Kratos bursting through, yelling, "Yppah ma I! Doog si yad eht! Sguls lla llik!"
I hate it when he talks backwards, it always confuses the hell outta me…and to anyone who translated that, I completely agree with him.
"Aren't you in a good mood," snickered Mentok.
I noticed that Kratos held a large bamboo tree in his palm, causing me to regretfully ask, "Where did you get that bamboo tree?"
"From behind the school," replied Kratos.
"But, behind the school is a zoo," replied Mentok curiously.
Suddenly, we saw a Giant Panda appear behind Kratos, letting out a loud, "MMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
"You'll get it back tomorrow!" yelled Kratos.
"MAAAAAAAA-AH-AH-AH-AH-AAAAAAAAAH!" bleeped the Panda as it ran away crying.
"Huh, thought you would kill it," sighed Azula.
"I never kill Pandas," replied Kratos deeply. Who knew he had a soft spot for Pandas?
"Alright, everyone write down a wish on these pieces of paper!" ordered Kratos as he handed out these pieces of paper.
"You mean like those two guys, Orihime and Hikaboshi?"
"Good job, ten points for Gryffindor!" roared Kratos, "Now, what stars are they?"
"The Draco System?"
"The two dead guys, not your reptilians," growled Kratos.
"Vega and Altair?" asked Mentok.
"85 Points to Gunderstank House!" roared Kratos, "Now, make some goddamn wishes or I will smack you bitches in the face!"
Which is what we all did, most of us was pretty materialistic. Mentok wished for a spin-off series and for a guy named Early Cuyler to get his come-upends!
"He knows what he did!"
Azula wished to rule the world and to find out the long awaited question: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
"Silly micro-brain! It's three!"
Dalek Yuki wished for the Dalek race to be the supreme race over all others and the "Enemy" to be strung up by his two hearts.
"…That's a cold bitch!"
And I wished for the fanfic to end and the death of the Banana Slug!
"…Wow…you are such a dick."
Whatever you green elf-man!
"WHY YOU!"
!
After I came back from the school nurse from extreme brain trauma, I saw Kratos glaring into the sky, with the bamboo tree sprouting out the window.
"Well, what did you wish for?" I asked Kratos.
"…Nothing much…" moaned Kratos.
Boy, does he seem depressed, I just had to ask, "Are you alright?"
"…Yeah…it's just there is no one to kill today," groaned Kratos, "I hate the day, I hope it dies horribly."
Afterwards, Kratos slumped into a state of melancholic boredom. Can't blame him, he's Kratos, the badass Ghost of Sparta, he was raised in blood, and blood is the only thing that will keep him happy.
As Azula poured me some tea, she slipped a strip of paper next to it, I knew it was important, so I made sure Kratos didn't see and read it, which it said:
"Butter, Bread, Milk, Tampons…"
Wait, wrong side…
"Stay in the room until only you and I are left, we need to talk."
Oh ho, ho, I wonder that means…maybe it's nothing, but if it is dealing with Kratos…then it's really bad!
Afterwards, everyone left…boy, that wasn't imaginative! Hey, Slug, learn to write, will ya? Bastard…
Of course, before Dalek Yuki left, she gave me a note, quickly hovering away. I looked at the note, it was me, with a small penis, peeing into my own mouth…cute.
Soon, it was just me and Azula, in the sunset, the orange sun the only light so that I can see that face of the princess of the Fire Nation of the future.
"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked curiously and wantingly.
"Cephalopod, we need to go back in time three years from now, the information regarding the full details are classified, but I assure you, they are of the utmost importance."
Wow, so un-Moe. "So, how do we go back in time?"
She then pointed outside and I saw…a DeLorean? Well, it is good to go back in time in style!
She threw me out the window and I landed face-first next to the damn door, I looked up to see Azula already in the car.
"I thought Cephalopods were fast," sighed Azula.
"I fell fast, if that is what you mean!" I complained, getting in the time machine, "So, where are we going?"
"Back in time," replied Azula angrily, "What else do you think!"
Suddenly, we drove straight into the time stream, nearly colliding with a flying police box. Should we pull over, it is a police box…
We finally stopped, finding ourselves in an office, I can't tell where, so I had to regretfully ask.
"Where are we?" I asked nervously.
"We should be in Ancient Greece, but I think we went a little closer to our time plane," explained Azula.
The door to the office opened and revealed Abraham Lincoln staring at us. We stared back at him, and he continued to stare without a word.
"Ummm, hi, how are you?" I asked nervously.
He didn't say a word, and then, "LINCOLN MAAAAAAD!" He then started to breath fire and shoot lighting from his hands.
"Start it! Start it! START IT!" I screamed, which Azula quickly did so, leaving the office of the powerful Abe Lincoln, not before hearing from a distance, "LINCOLN SAAAAD!"
I then woke up to find ourselves in 1970s New York, where disco ran like fine wine, the Farah Fawcett haircut was to it's most acclaimed glory, and Blacula was president. His bite was outta site!
"Why was I asleep?" I asked in a daze.
"You saw your parents 'make' you as we went back in time, causing you to black out," explained Azula, "So, welcome, to Ancient Greece."
"…No, this is 1970 New York, Disco Era!" I argued in anger.
"Well, it was considered Ancient Greece to my world, we even have Museums featuring Dolomite's skull!" argued Azula.
"Oh yeah, and I am assuming Saturday Night Fever is considered the Odyssey to your world!" I scoffed with a smirk.
"Actually, it is," replied Azula with a smug smile. Boy, that shut me up…
Suddenly, she was hit on the back of the head by a crowbar on the back seat. I yelped as her head fell on the wheel, unconscious as H-E-L-M-E-T…huh?
I looked and to my horror, I saw Peewee Herman with a bloody crowbar, laughing his usual creepy laugh.
"What in Blacula's glory are you doing here!" I yelled in fear.
"Sorry, can't let her see me!" laughed Peewee.
"Why?" I asked nervously.
"Because, Squidward, if she saw me, it would make a paradox, and the Titan of Time, Cronus, would rise from Tartarus and kill everyone in this time plane, therefore making our timeline moot, and we'll all lose!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I replied sarcastically.
"Anyway, you need to get to Studio 54, where you'll find someone of great importance there, HAHA!" revealed Peewee with a creepy smile.
"Who?" I asked cautiously.
"Gee, does it seem like I have the answers! HAHAHA!" taunted Peewee, 'Now, I'll guard the DeLorean and you get to Studio 54!"
"Alright, but do I get any prizes for this quest?" I asked.
"Yeah, you get to live! Heheheh." threatened Peewee.
Knowing this guy, I took his word for it, I grabbed the unconscious Azula on my back and headed down the disco crazy streets of New York City.
After passing by a riot being silenced by two crazy people in costumes flying on a mechanical owl-head and , I saw more of the wonders of three years ago.
It was when disco run rampant like an infectious disease, passed on by sex. People are barely stayin' alive with this deadly virus that makes people boogie oogie oogie. But we got to be real and get out of Funkytown. Sure, love is in the air as they keep on dancing, but it would be a while till they found the cure.
"Squidward," murmured Azula, "If you make one more disco hit reference, I will rip your jugular off!"
"You may, but I will survive," I just had to do that.
Before we could say anymore, we saw something that should be a goddamn meme, it was Kratos, in a black and red disco suit and hat, walking towards us with a swagger and "Stayin' Alive" by "The Bee Gees" playing in the background for all to hear. His black platform shoes made cracks on the sidewalk, damn, he's a tough black mineral that won't cop out when there's heat all about!
I guess we went back in time because of this bad-ass mother-
"Shut your mouth!"
…
…All the way from the future?
I approached the Disco Kratos and said a nervous, "Hi."
Kratos then stopped and kicked me in the chin, making me fall on the ground. Thankfully, the unconscious Azula broke my fall.
"Out of my way, turkey!" growled Kratos.
I grumbled as I got up and glared at him, still carrying Azula, "Fine, do whatever, I'm leaving!"
I'm tired of this crud, I decided to walk to the DeLorean and just let existence just cease to exist!
"Get back your ass back here!" yelled Kratos. I sighed and regretfully returned to Kratos. I then asked in a half-assed, "Yes?"
"I need your help, I need to make a message to the Klingons, I want to fight them! And you are going to help me!" ordered Kratos.
"Why should I?" I asked in suspicion.
"Because if you don't, I will use your skull as a jock-strap and your internal innards as my ham salad!" threatened Kratos coldly.
I paused with a scared expression in my face, I then sighed and regretfully asked, "What exactly do I have to do?"
"Just follow me, and I will explain when we get there," growled Kratos, he then asked, "By the way, who's that on your back?"
I then quickly made up the perfect lie…
"My pet Koala."
Okay, maybe that wasn't so perfect.
And with Azula on my back, I followed the white disco maniac across New York as we passed a crazy black man wearing a yellow shirt asking us, "Where's my money, honey?"
We finally entered a vacant lot, and Kratos pulled out the dead body of Dr. Octopus.
"Make markings with his blood!" ordered Kratos.
"What markings?" I asked in frustration.
"Make the symbol of the Klingon Empire, dipshit!" roared Kratos, "Now, follow my orders and do as I command!"
Great, Kratos was still a massively angry dick as he is in my time. As I suffered angry outbursts from Kratos for every single wrong detail, saying the Klingons will beat me severely…weren't the Klingons still Puerto-Rican by this time before they became ultra badass like today?
After finally making the symbol of the Klingon Empire…wait, Patrick didn't even mention this…that means this whole thing is completely moot…
…
Meh, who cares anymore?
Suddenly, Kratos appeared behind me and asked me from out of the blue, "Hey, do you believe in aliens?"
"Well, I know you do, as you made me make this goddamn symbol on the friggin' ground."
"What about time travelers?"
"Hell, I bet they can create fire from their fingers."
"Espers?"
"Which one, fake-ass ones or green ones?"
"Espada?"
"Huh?"
"Reptilians?"
"…Don't get me started."
Kratos was silent for a while, I noticed that on New York, this is the Tanabata Festival…IF Americans actually celebrate it, it would matter to them, but it doesn't, because they think they are the best…when it is actually the great city of Amsterdam!
"What's your name?" asked Kratos.
"…Harold Saxon!" I revealed in a wicked grin. DA DA DA DUN, DA DA DA DUN!
…
You get it?
"Okay?" let out Kratos with a confused look fitting the tone of his voice. Oh, crap, I forgot, "The Sound of Drums" won't show up for a few more years.
"I am going to leave now, crazy Harold Saxon man," grunted Kratos slowly, as he backed away from me until he and I was out of view.
"I hope he doesn't put two and two together," I sighed in fear. Wait a minute, no he won't, he would have noticed by now! Boy, talk about forgetful! HEHEHEHEH!
Walking back to the streets of Disco New York, narrowly avoiding Fez, when we got to the place where we left the DeLorean…only to find it was MOTHER-FUCKIN' STOLEN!
Who would steal my goddamn DeLorean! Well, it wasn't my DeLorean, but still that was completely rude! I know I might be regretting this, but I have to wake up Azula…Kahless give me strength.
"Azula!" I called out, lightly slapping her face, "Azula! Wake up, Azula, wake up!"
She then smiled and mumbled, "Oh, Zuko." Creepy.
She then opened her eyes and gave me a dissatisfied face and sighed, "Oh, it's you." Well, I may not be your brother, but at least I never had a creepy relationship with my sister.
She then looked at the direction of where the DeLorean, she then quickly got up and had a face that was the mixture of fear and anger. She then turned to me quickly, with fire jutting from her hands, screaming, "Where is the DeLorean!"
"Um, I think Peewee Herman stole it," I replied bashfully.
Her expression turned to dissatisfaction and sighed, "Well, looks like we are stuck here, three years in the past, from current time."
"Right," I sighed in despair, I then let out, "Wait a minute, the present was the 2000s, this is the 1970s, right?
"Kratos destroyed this reality and made ours, which also means that…" she explained calmly, she then realized the full extent of her words and quickly became silent and sighed in sadness, "We are all screwed."
Just like Miley Cyrus.
I then realized something that could very helpful plot-wise, I remembered that one thing Dalek Yuki gave me, the very offensive note. I think it wasn't a way of insulting me entirely, but a secret message.
"Azula, I think I have an idea!" I announced half-heartedly, I then ran to a certain direction.
"…Oh no," sighed Azula, and she then quickly followed me to our destination.
After three hours of running, we got to Dalek Yuki's apartment, which was for some reason in 1970s New York and I knew where it was. That is kinda confusing, if not entirely.
I then rushed to the…the thing, you know, the thing where you push the button and it let's you talk to the person, kinda like a mixture of a phone and a doorbell?
"You don't know what it is, do you!" laughed the Banana Slug.
Neither do you! You are the one writing this!" I argued.
"…I won't comment," replied the Banana Slug.
Score 1 for Squidward. Anyway, I pushed the doorbell and I waited for a while. I then heard the call going through, but I didn't hear a thing.
"Yuki, you might not know me, but I am from the future!" I yelled hysterically.
"…"
"You gave me a message, I think it was to find you," I told her quickly.
"…"
"…Pizza's here," I sighed. The doors then unlocked, me and Azula then quickly rushed through the door and got on the elevator, finally making it to Dalek Yuki's door. I knocked on the door and it opened to reveal Dalek Yuki, wearing armor that…looks really cheap.
"WHERE IS MY GODDAMN PIZZA, BITCH?" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"Uh, sorry, we are from the future, you gave me a piece of paper with a picture of me pissing in my own mouth," I explained, starting to regret saying the last part.
Azula then laughed heavily, "Godammit, that is funny as hell!"
"HA! HA! HA! HA! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD DO!" screamed Dalek Yuki, she then moved aside, "COME IN!"
We did as the crazy Dalek said and looked to see nothing has changed when I saw it in the future which was the first time I saw it, but it is the first time Dalek Yuki saw me, meaning she knew who I was in the future and-
"GET ON WITH IT!" angrily ordered God.
Sorry. "So, um, Yuki, can you help us get back to the future?" I asked politely.
"YEAH! SURE! LET ME EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAIIIN!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"…Okay?" let out Azula.
"…GET IN MY ROOM!" screeched Dalek Yuki.
I paused, I looked at the room, and I looked at her, and I looked at the room, and I looked at her, and I said, "I'm sorry, what did you want again?"
"GET IN MY ROOM, AND DON'T COME OUT FOR TEN MINUTES!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "OR YOU WILL BE EX-TERM-IN-ATED!"
In the fear of being exterminated, we did as the polar opposite of Yuki Nagato said. We entered her room, finding a large red heart-shaped bed, red lighting, and a drawer full of naughty appliances. We turned to Dalek Yuki, who was holding a camera.
"WINK FOR MAMAAAAA!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"…You're kidding, right?" asked Azula suspiciously.
"FINE! SPOIL MY GOOD TIME! NOW DON'T LEAVE FOR TEN MINUTES! YOU WILL OBEY! OBEY! OBEEEEYYY!"
She then closed the door roughly, causing a crack or two. We waited for three whole minutes, and then we waited for three half minutes, and then for three more minutes, and then for three seconds.
"This is pointless, I am going to see what is outside!" sighed Azula. She then opened the door, to reveal Abraham Lincoln on the other side, yelling "LINCOLN GLAAAAAAAD!", and holding a trash bag. She quickly closed the door with a scared expression. She then turned to me and nervously laughed, "How about we try that again."
"Your funeral," I replied lethargically. Damn, is lethargically my trademark combination word?
She then opened the door again and saw Dalek Yuki in front of it, who said, or screamed, "OH! I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU I GOT THE MATH WRONG! IT WAS NOW THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE FREE! NOW, YOU MAY LEAVE THE ROOM!"
We then exited the room, to see everything was back to normal, except that it was the 2010s, where the economy sucks, China owns the USA, and people freaked out by false predictions from a guy who got it wrong before…seriously people…he got it wrong, stop worrying!
"I FROZE TIME IN THAT ROOM…WHICH FOR SOME REASON WOKE ABRAHAM LINCOLN FROM HIS ETERNAL SLUMBER IN THE TIME VORTEX!"
"Wait, so, I was asleep in the other room when we first met?" I asked curiously.
"NO SHIT," replied Dalek Yuki.
"But, how did you survive when Kratos destroyed that timeline and create this one?" asked Azula.
Dalek Yuki was silent, then going in a frenzy, twirling around, screaming, "CONTINUITY ERROR! CONTINUITY ERROORRRR!"
After getting away from Dalek Yuki's Continuity Error freak-out, me and Azula sat on the bus stop, she was looking at the asphalt.
"Squidward, I have something to tell you, but I don't really know how to explain it," let out Azula.
"You're a Kraken," I finished, "I know."
"No, not that, you see, I was deputized into the Borg Collective, I am not even a true member, they just asked if I would like to go back in time and I was like, sure, why the hell not, understand?"
"I think so," I replied thoughtfully.
"Also, I am not a Fire Nation Princess…anymore," continued Azula in embarressment, "I was dethroned and beaten both physically and psychologically by the resisting forces."
"You mean, you were raped?" I let out.
"WHAT! No, no, I wasn't rape!" argued Azula, she then said with a little resistance, "I wouldn't have minded…"
"No no no, this fanfic has too many problems, jus drop it!" I argued quickly and breathlessly, "Just tell me the rest!"
"Alright, alright, I then had a mental breakdown, I went insane, spent some time in Arkham Asylum, met a nice chap by the name of Jonathan Crane, but I couldn't commit to his strange fetish, which was Phobophilia. I then checked myself out and joined the Manson Family…only to get kicked out…"
Kicked out of the Manson Family, that's a little hard to do. "Okay, okay, I think I get the picture, you went through a lot of crap!" I sighed nervously.
"Yeah, life is hard, but you have to remember, everyone dies, and you should be happy that they aren't going to mess your life up anymore," Azula said to me, which was like Confucius telling me to order French Fries with my Diet Soda.
But nonetheless, it made me think, it made me think real hard…it means that Spongebob and Patrick will die, and I will be finally happy.
The next day, me and Mentok were playing Chutes and Ladders in the clubroom, I was still at the bottom as Mentok stayed up at the top.
"So, Mentok, I have a question," I said to him.
"Shoot…and later," replied Mentok, he then let out a small chuckle, "See what I did there?"
"Okay, here it is," I replied, I then asked seriously, "Why did this chapter take so long to make?"
"Well, the English episodes have yet to be made, and the author hunted down the Japanese Episodes, which were for some reason not, and I repeat, NOT on YouTube. So, he had to go to Veoh, and for some reason, for him Veoh is kinda hard to handle, it's like the YouTube for angry confusion."
"I think he is over-reacting," I replied.
"Meh," replied Mentok uncaringly, "I just play by the punches, what do I have to say about all this, I mean, you are the friggin' narrator!"
Ha, he's right, I am the narrator! And he is the stupid guy I talk about, and the writer, he is just the guy who writes my material!
"Hey, Banana Slug, you want me to…"
"HELL YES!"
"MIND TAKE! BOOOOWEEEEYOOOOO!"
Who lives in a Pineapple, under the sea! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
The Banana Slug: Yeah, that's why it took so long, my small and non-existent audience…wait, more than a hundred views! Really! Awesome!
…
Except that…60 of it is…of the first…chapter…
…
WAAAAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAH!