The Banana Slug: I'm in kinda a blue mood, I just saw the new episode of South Park, and it just made me think that…it's getting old.
Soon, like the Roman Empire, it will go down, even though I don't want it to, I want it to stay on forever, so that I can fuck all the Roman women I want…oh, and watch South Park…
I mean, nothing will break me from my…wait a minute…dubbed videos of Haruhi Suzumiya Season 2 on YouTube? No, no, it has to be some anime n00bs…wait, this is legit?
…ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I suffered Veoh and watched the episodes in Japanese and it turns out that YouTube has the legit English dubbed episodes of Season 2! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!
THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS
By the Banana Slug
CHAPTER 9: Mystique be Trollin' :D
AKA "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!"
It was final exams, pencil shavings in the air, the smell of graphite seeping from the paper, an angry slug fuming gibberish outside the window.
During that, Kratos was in a great state of melancholy, I looked behind me, to see Kratos, frozen in a comedic sad face, just looking at me.
It was so annoying. So annoying. So very annoying. Oh my god, it was so annoying. I can't tell you how god-damn annoying it was. I could tell you a whole chapter about how annoying this is…I cannot even focus it was so annoying, my god, how can something like this annoy me so much. IT IS SO ANNOYING! Annoying. Annoying. Annoying. Annoying. Super Annoying…
…
…
My god, it is so annoying!
"Shut up!" yelled Kratos, slamming my face into the window. My last vision before I went was the slug making kissy faces at me.
After coming back to the emergency room, I played a game of UNO with Mentok as Azula served scorching hot tea on my lap, me screaming, Dalek Yuki letting out a wicked laugh. Kratos was working on the computer, I wasn't sure what he was working on. The last time I looked at the computer, he was on Newgrounds watching XJ-9 from My Life as a Teenage Robot get bonked by two rock creatures…that one was amazing…not quite sure what he was on now.
"Squidward, get your as over here," growled Kratos.
"Yeah, what is it?" I asked in boredom.
"I am making a sign for the SOS Brigade, I want you to review it," replied Kratos.
"Alright, let me…" before I could finish, I saw what it was…just the same thing from the anime, only black and red. No need to make a big deal about it.
"Are you sure you want to have this as our sign?" I asked critically, "It's horse dick."
"…Shut up!" ordered Kratos rudely, "I have to make a symbol, no one is looking at the damn website I posted. Mainly because you won't let me make it into a pornographic site like I wanted it to be!"
"Why don't you write a blog or something?" I suggested.
"No, bloggers are nothing but stupid idiots, just like fanfiction writers!" angrily scolded Kratos.
"Um, Kratos," I let out fearfully.
"What?" growled Kratos.
"I wouldn't talk bad about fanfiction, he might be watching," I let out.
"Live in fear of you Banana Slug boyfriend!" growled Kratos, getting up, "I want you to put this symbol on the website and find me a Red Snapper!"
"Why don't you do this crap!" I argued.
"You don't expect the Queen to get off her rump and do stuff, do you?" argued Kratos.
"You're a Queen?" I asked in confusion.
"…Suck off!" growled Kratos.
Well, can't argue with that, I grudgingly did as the Dictator Queen demanded, I shrunk it, paste it, buy it, use it, snap it, crack it, zip, unzip it…technologic.
Starting tomorrow and lasting until Summer Vacation, we get to have our exam break, it's also the time my teachers mark my answers wrong.
I look to see a large trollface on my name and "Epic Fail" on my grade section…
Damn, that's annoying. So annoying. So fucking annoying.
Guess I'll just have hot sex with Azula in my mind as I stare at her like a dirty old man who has troubles getting it up for comfort.
I knocked on the door, thinking of hearing Azula's voice going, "What up, bitches," from the other side, but I heard Kratos give out, "Yes?" instead.
I entered to find Kratos at the computer, dressed in a black business suit, looking angry at the computer.
"You're the only one here?" I asked.
"OH, SO I DO NOT MATTER, HMMMM!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "WHAT WAS LAST NIGHT THEN! JUST A GAAAAAAAME!"
"I didn't mean it like that, Dalek Yuki, it's just…"
"YOU ARE A PIMPLY-FACED ASS-FUCKING CHRONIC MASTURBATOR WITH STUTTERING ISSUES! EAT A DIIIICK!"
The room was silent from Dalek Yuki's outburst, thankfully, Kratos broke the silence. "Anyway, I thought you were someone who wanted us to do detective work."
"Sorry to disappoint," I replied tiredly, with Dalek Yuki staring at me.
I walked over to the computer and looked to see instead of the logo, but a picture of Captain Jean-Luc Picard with white text, saying, "WTF IS THIS SHIT?
I tried to refresh the page, but nothing happened and Picard was still wondering what the fuck this shit is. I tried typing the page again, seeing if we got on the wrong one, but it was the same damn thing.
"I think the file was corrupted," I replied.
"You know shit about computers, Squidward!" roared Kratos, "Someone has trolled us, and when we find out who trolled us, we shall troll them. We will troll them mercilessly!"
Mentok then flew from the window, yelling…
"!"
…and then floating down onto his chair, "What up, bitches?"
"Someone trolled our website," growled Kratos.
"Ooooh, that's bad, do you think it was Zeus?" wondered Mentok out loud.
"Why would he, he hasn't trolled me before," replied Kratos. I looked and saw Mentok holding out CandyLand like a giddy schoolgirl, I shook my head, he then sadly looked on the ground and slumped on his chair, softly crying.
After Kratos kept on demanding me to try and fix the website, which for some reason was incredibly impossible. These trolls are good, I had to close the website due to AIDS.
Azula then entered the room, saying nonchalantly, "Sorry, I had to do more exams, due to me being a senior, but no worries, I passed, unlike Squidward."
Not my fault if the teacher is a troll. Oh Azula, your harshness reveals your demonic beauty, you are my Eva Braun, my Drusilla, your evil makes a radiant beauty that makes eyes bleed in pure lust and need.
"Also, I brought someone that needs our services." She stepped aside to reveal a ten foot green Wookie wearing the girl's school uniform. "RRREEEEEUUUUUGH!"
…Why are all the Data Interfaces unsexy aliens?
Anyway, her name is Emiri Kimidori, a "quiet" junior, asking us for help as our leader held a pen in his teeth like a cigar.
"So, you need our help to find your missing boyfriend?" asked Kratos, his teeth bare.
"RRRUUUUGH!"
"So, he does not answer his phone and he has not come to school for some time?" Kratos thought out loud, his chin resting on his fist.
"HUNRRHH!"
"And he is not at home, and his family are over-busy assholes who don't love their child, at least they don't live in Canada."
"RAAAMRRRRRRH!"
"Honduras?"
"RAAAARAAANH! RRRNNNNH!
"Not Honduras?"
"REEEUUUUUUUGH!"
"Oh, Las Vegas. Indeed."
Damn, he may have only said it once, but why does he always have to say indeed?
"So, why did you come to us?" interrogated Kratos, then shooting his pen from his mouth and puncturing a fly buzzing by.
"REEEEUUUGH! RAAAGH! RRRGH! REEEEEUGH! RAAAARAAAANH! RRRRNNNH!"
"Boy, that is what I call a sticky situation," replied Kratos, "So, who is your boyfriend?"
…
"MEOW!"
Holy shit, where did that cat come from!
"Can you say that again?" asked Kratos, "A cat interrupted you."
"RAAAAEEEEUUUUGH!"
Lo Pan! The guy who premature ejaculated when he touched Azula's breasts? The guy we stole the high-tech computer from? The guy who had that Pinky Demon that shredded me to bits!
"Don't worry, Miss Wookie!" yelled out Kratos, "We will save your premature ejaculating boyfriend and bring him back in a falcon's heartbeat!"
THE NEXT DAY
We all sat in the clubroom, all silent and stumped, not knowing what to do next. I lifted my hand and opened my mouth, trying to think of an answer as others watched me, but I regretfully put it back down.
"Okay," announced Kratos proudly, getting up with the chair falling on the floor, "We need to get to that evil twelve foot tall ghost man's house, he is obviously tired of school because he jizzed in his pants and decided to drop out, but we will enter his house and force him to go back to school, for we won't let him ruin his life like the author did!"
Boy, better said than done. Why would Lo Pan hide out in his home away from his girlfriend…who is a friggin' Wookie…okay, I see now…
But why didn't the Wookie girlfriend go to the police and ask them for help. Then again, when have the police did anything helpful, all they do is stop robbers, murderers, rapists, pedophiles, psychopaths, drug dealers, and super villains, that is nothing, nothing at all!
…
Selfish assholes.
We approached Lo Pan's dark hideout, deep in Chinatown, with a mist covering everything, revealing…
…
A nice little 3-story apartment building with flower pots and a nice little sign saying, "Welcome!"
How nice.
"Let's get this shit done!" growled Kratos. We all followed Kratos into the building, I hope we do not mess up a nice little apartment building like this place!
We got to Lo Pan's door, Kratos tried to open it the old-fashioned way, by turning the knob…a first time for everything, and it wouldn't open.
"Why won't it open?" wondered Kratos.
"MAYBE HIS BODY IS BLOCKING THE DOOOOR!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"Maybe it's locked," I added.
"Impossible, there's no such thing!" growled Kratos, "Maybe we can smash the door down!"
Come on, Kratos, I don't want a criminal record…yet! Visions of my first murder appeared in my mind, I was strangling the life out of my grandmamma till the life went out of her eyes and her last breath touched my nose…
Mentok gave me a worried look and let out, "What the fuck, Squidward?"
"Fuck criminal records!" roared Kratos, "I AM THE GOD OF WAR!" He then punched the door down to reveal Lo Pan's apartment. It was messy, full of garbage, computer stuff, ancient Chinese artifacts, a guy blowing himself up, and porno magazines filled with girls with green eyes…and a basket full of wadded-up tissues.
"I thought we'd find him with a knife in his forehead," sighed Kratos, "Down on the ground, with a bunch of statues broken."
"WE NEED TO LEEEAAAAVE!" screamed Dalek Yuki, right in my face.
"Huh!" We just got here!
"The Dalek is right!" yelled Mentok in my ear, who then proceeded to blow his ranch-flavored Doritos breath on my nose.
"I have four pairs of shoes!" Kratos yelled at me, who then knocked over a fridge and started to attempt to forced feed Azula a sandwich.
"I'm not hungry!" Azula barely let out.
"Eat!" demanded Kratos angrily as a guy exploded green stuff behind him, "You must be less lithe."
"Anyway, I feel weird in here," revealed Mentok, whispering it to my ear, "Like when your peepee place starts to feel excitement for some reason when you go down a steep hill or a roller coaster, where it kinda feels good, but in the same time, it feels weird."
I get those all the times I get tossed out the window. "Like, a closed space?"
"Yeah, but not like Kratos', not like Kratos' at all," revealed Mentok cryptically.
"I WILL TRANSPORT US TO THE AREA NOW!" screamed Dalek Yuki, who's eyestalk then went yellow.
With a "YABBA DABBA DOOOO!" we were whisked away from this world to another.
We found ourselves in a vast white wasteland, as far as the eye could see, I thought I saw a ship with black sails in the distance, shipwrecked on dry land, but I could be wrong.
"What the fuck is this place!" growled Kratos.
Wait! He's not suppose to be here! The author is doing it again, he is screwing with canon and making something not right, like fanon! Why is he doing this! God damn it! Why is he doing this!
"Squidward, who gives a shit?" asked Mentok.
"I like it," replied Kratos, who threw a white rock into the distance.
"It seems to be a closed space, then again, it could possibly not be a closed space," guessed Azula.
"GEE, THAT WAS SMART!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "I COULD HAVE SAID THAT WITH MUCH MORE INTELLIGENCE!"
"Well, excuuuse me, Dalek Yuki!" argued Azula, "I was just trying to start a dialogue!"
This is really what we need right now, a cat-fight…never mind…we need one…WE NEED ONE RIGHT NOW!
Dalek Yuki then turned a bit, and then screamed…"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Yeah, she just screamed, not in the saying sense, but in actual screaming, she then screamed, "WHAT IS THAT!" This time she used the saying scream, not the actual scream.
We all looked at her direction and saw a giant cricket wearing people's clothes and smiling and waving at us.
"Howdy!" it greeted, "I'm Jiminy Cricket, nice to meet you all!"
Kratos then roared and jumped on it, stabbing it in the chest. Jiminy yelled and streamlined in pain, thrashing about. Mentok then shot a Galick Gun at Jiminy's hand, incinerating it.
"GAAAAAAH!" screamed Jiminy, "What did I do! Please, stop!"
He attempted to run, but Dalek Yuki got in his way and created a force-field, Azula then threw a fireball at Jiminy, bursting him in flames. He screamed a high-pitch scream, covered in flames like that one guy.
"WHY! WHYYYYYY!"
I would have helped, but I was too busy laughing my brains out. I don't know why, but it's screams for help was only met with my laughter and the other's hostility.
From the sky, that green little pedophile Tingle flew by in a little green airplane and sprinkled water on the burning cricket. The flames went out, revealing a charred version of the beloved mascot.
Kratos was still stabbing at him, blood soaking the sand. Azula shot a lightning bolt at his throat, blood sprayed everywhere, he started to choke and cough blood. As Kratos climbed on his back, stabbing at his spine, he fell on the ground, wheezing.
"I think he's dead," I replied, feeling a little bit sorry for the guy.
Dalek Yuki hovered by and used her death beam on the cricket, killing the cricket. "HE'S DEAD NOW, CRACKAAAAH!"
"So, why did we have to kill the cricket?" I asked.
Kratos then cut up the stomach of the dead cricket, he then pulled out the unconscious body of Lo Pan out and dropped him on the sand.
"OOOOOH, that's why!"
"Wait, he was in the cricket?" let out Mentok.
We then found ourselves back in Lo Pan's room, with Kratos tucking his unconscious body in bed. We looked to see Dalek Yuki at the computer, looking at our website, showing Jean-Luc Picard criticizing us.
"I'm leaving," said Kratos, he then left. Such lazy writing.
"So, how did this happen?" I asked.
"WE WERE TROLLED BY SOMEONE, BUT I AM NOT QUITE SURE WHOOOOO! BUT THEY HAVE OMNIPOTENT POWERS LIKE KRATOS! MEANING THE TROLL STOLE LO PAN AND CREATED JIMINY CRICKET TO DELAY US!"
"And why would they troll us in the first place?" asked Squidward.
"I BELIEVE IT WAS BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS OF ARE AWESOMENESS!"
Yeah, sure.
That next day, sitting at my seat in the SOS Brigade, with Mentok and Dalek Yuki looking at our website, Azula sleeping, and Kratos not here, made me think about things.
The last time I remember, I was a cashier in the Krusty Krab, and not a student in a high school. But the next time I woke up, I am a student, and not a cashier at the Krusty Krab.
Why was I put in this situation? Why was I? It seems we were all drawn here by some omnipotent force. Is it Kratos? Haruhi? Or maybe it was the author…no, it wasn't the author.
"So, what exactly was Jiminy Cricket?" I asked Dalek Yuki.
"A SITH LOOOORD!" replied Dalek Yuki, and said nothing else. Well, that's all she needed to say, really.
Well, it turns out that 8 other people saw the logo, 5 were North High students, looks like we have to save them as well…ah, fuck 'em, who cares!
Afterwards, it turns out that the Picard picture of him criticizing us is gone, now showing a picture of an elated Picard with white text saying, "FULL OF WIN!"
Well, that's a lot better!
Later that day, I found Kratos strangling the simplified corpse of Josef Stalin. I decided this was the time to best talk to him.
"Hey, Lo Pan is back!" I yelled to him.
"Good, he probably was drunk and had a hell of a hangover," replied Kratos, snapping the zombie's neck, "We also got thirty-thousand hits on our website, good, right?"
"Probably Star Trek fans looking at the happy picture of Picard," I replied lethargically.
Kratos paused, then saying, "Yeah, but at least people are looking at the website."
"True," I sighed, "True…"
As I walked to the SOS Brigade room, I remembered something that really made me shudder, I asked Lo Pan today about a girlfriend, and he sad Emiri was in fact his girlfriend…okay, guess he likes them hairy.
But I wonder, was this whole thing an elaborate plan made up by Dalek Yuki, just a way to kill time? Dalek Yuki, do you get lonely when alone? And are fun things fun? And do people die when they are killed?
Before I could think more on the subject, I was suddenly attacked by the Pinky Demon, me screaming as it tore out my innards, growling and gnawing on my poor body.
The Banana Slug: ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
GODDAMMIT! WHY DIDN'T YOU ASSHOLES SEND ME A MESSAGE TELLING ME THAT! GAAAAAARAAARAAARRRAAAARRAAAH!
…I apologize for my actions, I have nothing but love fore my small audience…
Anyway, for any that read this crap, I put a poll on my profile page, asking who you think should play Sasaki when the character appears…ever…