The Banana Slug: I have attempted to switch my fanfic to Haruhi Suzumiya only, as no one enters X-Overs, but I have accidentally made a mistakey, I am now only registered as….X-OVERS!
I am now in Hell, I welcome you to the next chapter as we determine who the fuck killed Linkara, a beloved internet reviewer, who died, last chapter.
Arkham Asylum Syndrome Part 3
By the Banana Slug
AKA …Wait.
On the last chapter, of the Melancholy of Kratos, we were sucked into Hell, fighting against Darkorath, who returned from Hades to fight us with a legion of Billy Goat Dragons.
It turned out I was the descendent of Howard Moon, and had to fight against the evil Darkorath as he turned Dalek Yuki into Yuki Nagato, and there were a great rubbing of parts.
Kratos died.
Azula found out that Zuko was not her brother, and slept with him, only to find out that he really IS her brother, she didn't care.
Kratos came back.
And now, the exciting conclusion of the two-parter…wait, none of that happened, must have gone into a mental relapse after seeing Linkara's dead body…wait…
We all looked at the dead reviewer's body, lying there with a knife in his chest. We all stood still, watching him, staring, looking, keeping an eye on him…
"Get on with it!" shouted the author, the Banana Slug.
Sorry. Kratos then rushed to Linkara and kicked him in the stomach. Phil then rushed over and grabbed Kratos' shoulder.
"No!" yelled Phil, with a long silence, then yelling, "Do it like this!" as he stomped on Linkara's body instead.
He stomped on his for a whole ten minutes, he then turned to us and said with a smile, "HAHAAA! He's dead!"
Dalek Yuki turned to Azula, then screaming, "SLEEEEEEEP!" as she zapped her with a laser beam, Azula screamed as she was knocked unconscious.
"What the fuck, Dalek Yuki?" yelled Mentok angrily, waving his arms around.
"I AM THE ALPHA BITCH HEEEERE!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
I looked at the body, not seeing it move at all. Maybe it blinked, but I wasn't sure, I was kind of drunk.
I looked at Dalek Yuki, she grabbed the door, but saw me looking at her, she then closed it, looking at me during the whole thing. I saw what you did there.
"Alright, micro-brains!" announced Mentok proudly, "We have a murder mystery on our hands, and not the fake kind, the real kind! The door was locked, the windows were locked, and strangely, he was not raped. So, this isn't lust murder, my guess, it is, an honor murder!"
"But who did it?" interrogated Not Killer Croc, quickly hiding his blood-stained hands.
"Well, it wasn't a woman, as women are a fragile and weak animal!" replied Mentok, sexist, he then continued, "So, if we all are here right now, then it must be Broly, as he is nowhere in sight!"
"Are you sure?" I asked, quickly darting my eyes to Not Killer Croc, as a sign to Mentok, then back.
"Pretty sure!" replied Mentok proudly, "But that raises one question, how did he enter the room, commit the murder, and leave the scene when the door and windows were locked?"
I darted my eyes to Not Killer Croc…again…MENTOK! You have mind powers! Read my mind! You barnacle-head!
Me, Kratos, Dalek Yuki, and Heavy sat on the bed in my room as Azula laid on the bed, her wounds slowly healing…really slowly.
"BROTHER!" yelled Heavy, "What is going on? Why is everything bad!"
"Somebody brutally killed Linkara and is probably going to kill us," I replied blankly.
"Oh," he replied, then started to cry loudly, "WAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Kratos then got up and turned to me, saying, "Squidward, we need to talk."
"Fuck!" I said in my mind. I followed him out the door, Kratos then turned to Dalek Yuki.
"Yuki, open the door for no one, except if it is my pizza, I ordered two hours ago," ordered Kratos.
"PIZZAAAAAAA!" screamed Dalek Yuki quickly as Kratos closed the door.
I leaned against the door as Kratos looked out the window, he then said, in a stern voice, "I saw death, once again. Sure, I see it all the time, but sometimes, I can get sick of it. Sometimes it costs me much heart-ache, like when…my own family was murdered…by my own hands…"
Damn, that's deep.
"But what is more important in life?" rhetorically asked Kratos, then revealing the answer, "Me. All me. Everything about me."
Well, that was…what's the word…selfish.
Kratos then walked away, then he turned and said, "Y'know, I remembered Azula saying something to me the other day…"
"Oh?" I replied with a raised eyebrow.
"She told me that while we were playing on the beach, where my balls fell out of my Speedo…"
"Don't remind me."
"…She told me she saw Linkara and Broly having an argument, Broly then roared at him and crashed through a glass door. I also remembered that when I needed to go and take a number 2, I saw him talking to someone over the phone. He said he wanted a passport to Latveria, and that is all I have to say about that."
"But how did he get in and out?" I asked curiously, "If he did do it, how did he enter and escaped with the locked doors and windows?"
"We have to investigate, Squidward!" yelled Kratos, "Only Broly could have murdered Linkara!"
Yeah, only Broly, and not Not Killer Croc.
"I am sorry, but you shall not pass," Phil told us when we attempted to investigate the room, "HAHAAA! Gandalf phrase!"
"Why!" yelled Kratos.
"The Batman told me through telekinesis to not let anyone in, or they might bring their germs into the room and he is very agoraphobic!" Who knew!
"When will the Batman get here?" I asked.
"Tomorrow, when the storm goes back to sleep in Hades," replied Phil with a smile. I looked at the room, I saw Linkara's body…yep, I saw it.
"How would you say Linkara and Broly's behavior to each other was like?" I interrogated Phil.
"Linkara wanted the prisoners to be treated like the psychopaths they are, but Broly disagreed, saying he wanted them to be treated like radishes and carrots," replied Phil suspiciously, "But that is all I know, Rukia and I were only hired just two chapters ago."
"Two chapters?" I asked.
"Yep," replied Phil quickly, smiling at us.
This…doesn't…seem…kosher…
As Kratos and I walked down the hallway, I then looked at him and said, "You know, last night I thought I saw Not Killer Croc's face fall off, and I looked at the escaped inmates list and saw that a certain Waylon Jones escaped…AKA Killer Croc."
"Squidward, his name is not Killer Croc, it's Not Killer Croc!" groaned Kratos.
"…You lost me," I replied, I then shook my head and argued, "Look, but what about the fact that Not Killer Croc could possibly be an alias!"
"…You have a point," replied Kratos grimly.
"I do?" a confused me let out.
"Yes, we will interrogate him…after we see if Broly did it!" growled Kratos. Great, after Not Killer Croc kills us, then we'll interrogate him!
We then got to the main hallway, seeing Mentok on the first floor. "Hey, did you see Broly?" yelled out Kratos.
"No," replied Mentok simplistically.
"Oh," grunted Kratos.
"I think I saw him leave an hour ago," let out Rukia from the first floor, "He left in a hurry."
"And you didn't stop him!" yelled Mentok.
"Hey, he's a Legendary Super Saiyan, and I'm a slightly-pissed off unseated soul reaper, who do you think will win!" yelled Rukia.
"…Good point!" replied Mentok.
"Oh no, the boats!" yelled Kratos as he ran down the stairs and through the door with my arm clutched in his fist.
We ran out into the storm and walked to the cliff. It would be a shame if I fell off and fell onto the sharp rocks, cracking my "skull" in, but when I am with Kratos, I am dead.
"He took the boat!" yelled Kratos, pointing out the obvious.
"Why didn't he fly?" I asked.
"Because!" yelled Kratos, then pausing, thinking of an answer.
Boy, grey skies, black seas, this is just like…no, Kratos' closed space is red with blood everywhere, really cool stuff, wish there was a picture of it…sadly, there is not!
"Squidward!" yelled Kratos, pointing at the cliffs, "I saw someone, it might be the murderer! Let's kill him!"
He then ran with my arm still clutched in his fist, running and running and running and jogging and running to the cliffs. And skipping! For short while.
We then climbed up the cliffs, that is a man's way of climbing cliffs. I was holding onto Kratos like a Koala, as he climbed up the cliffs like Chuck Norris.
"Are you sure you saw someone up here?" I yelled out.
"Yes, in fact, I think I see him now!" yelled Kratos, we then heard an ear-shattering sound as the figure stepped on Kratos' fingers and kicked him in the face, sending us plummeting down the cliff onto another cliff. Oh, how I remember that sound…
It said…
"SCIENCE!"
Kratos laid on top of me as we were unconscious together, he then opened his eyes and let out a gasp, then saying, "We are dead, right?"
"No," I let out weakly, coming to as well.
We both got up and looked straight up the cliff, then Kratos yelled, "Who did that!"
"I don't know, Bill Nye?" I replied jerkassishly.
It's a good thing we found a warm interestingly-shaped slit-like cave to hide ourselves from the storm, we also found Dr. Curt Banner in their, the mixture of Dr. Curt Connors and Dr. Bruce Banner, creating the Hulk-Lizard! He gave us tea.
"You know, Squidward," let out Kratos, as he undressed himself in front of me, drying his clothes, "I think something is up."
"Yeah," I replied, as I undressed myself in front of him, drying my clothes, "What is it?"
"When I stomped on Linkara, I swear I heard a groan or two, do dead bodies groan?" asked Kratos, drying his clothes.
"No, they do not," I replied, drying my clothes, "That means he died soon after we got there."
"And I am starting to think that Broly didn't kill Linkara," revealed Kratos, drying my clothes, "But someone else, someone in the room with him…and us!"
"I've been trying to tell people, it was Not Killer Croc!" I insisted, drying his clothes, "He is not Not Killer Croc, he's Killer Croc."
"Seems like farfetched hunch, but it now seems possible," replied Kratos, putting on his clothes.
"Possible, it's definite!" I argued, putting on my clothes.
"Wait, I think I knew how it went down," revealed Kratos cryptically.
"Mhm?" I asked, worried and hesitant to hear.
"Well, Linkara wanted to treat the patients like psychopaths, and I heard of Killer Croc's living arrangements, stuck in a sewer with a metal shock collar, and I think he had enough. So, Killer Croc found a way to escape and killed a nerdy card-playing kid to sneak back into Arkham Asylum undetected and get revenge. See? Linkara DID know Killer Croc, but didn't recognize him!"
"That and the fact Linkara is a comic book nerd."
"Shut up. Now, here is the scary part. He must have been hired by Broly to murder Linkara, as you see, if he dies, Broly get's the asylum and can run it how he wants, but if Broly did it, he would be in deep dog-shit. So, Killer Croc, disguised as Not Killer Croc, entered his room, and stabbed the knife into Linkara's chest, but it didn't go in all the way, the comic was so full of crap it didn't go in! Killer Croc thought he did murder him and proceeded to clean up, creating the blood in his hands. But, Linkara came to and ran for the door, but Killer Croc saw this and shoved him at the door, slamming the knife into him and sending back on the ground. Killer Croc then locked the door and was about to escape when we came around and found the body."
"Well, that is a good theory," I replied, "But we still would have heard a struggle, and if he did slam into the door, we would have heard it, and due to Killer Croc's humongasaur size, he would have broke down the door."
"Dammit!" yelled Kratos.
We then saw Mentok's head appear from the back of the cave, he then glared and said, "What the hell are you two doing here?"
"We got stuck," I replied sheepishly.
"Get out, this is sacred land!" yelled Mentok. We then looked to see a bunch of pissed-off rock people.
After I cleaned up in the bathroom, I continued to walk down the hallway, thinking of Kratos' theory. It was pretty spot on, but everything was a little mangled up. We would have definitely heard Not Killer Croc…oh fuck it, we would have heard Killer Croc stomping around the house, and the murder would really cause a hell of a noise.
I then saw Heavy sneaking into the kitchen, trying to steal a sandwich. I then hit him over the head with a ladle and he cried out in pain.
"SQUIDWARDS A SPY!" yelled Heavy.
"You call that sneaking around!" I yelled, "You can't even break a spine right!"
"Sorry," sighed Rukia as she walked into the room, "I'll bring in your food, I was just crying in the corner because I was in another of this freak's fanfics."
"Oh, shut up!" I yelled, she then was shocked and looked down sadly. I then looked at one of the plates and saw it's food was already eaten, with a bite mark on the plate.
"Oh, right, Not Killer Croc was hungry and hadn't eaten all day, so I gave him some food to eat," replied Rukia with a smile.
"Do you know where Not Killer Croc is?" I interrogated.
"Beats me, probably smoking a joint!" replied Rukia quickly and blankly. Never thought Rukia would say something like that.
"You always find some way to annoy me, huh?" I growled at Heavy.
"YAH!" roared Heavy.
We then saw Kratos and Mentok at the door to my room, where Yuki was at. Kratos was banging on the door as Mentok watched while eating some popcorn.
"Yuki, open the door!" yelled Kratos.
"NOOOO!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"Yuki, you better not be eating my pizza!" roared Kratos, slamming his fist at the door.
"THIS IS DELICIOUS PIZZAAAA!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"I will murder you!" roared Kratos, "I am the God of War!"
"YOU THE GOD OF SUCKING!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "THIS IS MY STUFFED CRUST EXTRA CHEESE PIZZA!"
I then walked to the door and said, "We got the breadsticks."
There was a silence, the door then unlocked itself and revealed a Dalek Yuki, eating pizza. How she was eating pizza, I will not tell.
"You're so lucky there is more left over!" growled Kratos as he shoved Dalek Yuki out of the way.
"WHERE AE MY FUCKING BREADSTICKS!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"So, Kratos, still wanna solve the mystery?" asked Mentok.
"It's boring!" yelled Kratos, "I wanna go to bed!"
"Alright, I guess I'll solve it myself," I groaned.
"Good luck with that," Kratos said plainly as he slammed the door on me and Mentok's faces.
Jerk.
"So, you almost figured it out, eh?" interrogated Mentok as we both sat in his room.
"Yeah, apparently," I sighed.
"I heard everything, wanna hear my version of the story?" asked Mentok.
"You could figure everything out by mind-taking, you fruit!" I yelled.
"Yeah, but it ain't fun anymore!" sighed Mentok, "I know everything, nothing surprises me anymore."
"Alright, I'm all ears!" I groaned.
"Well, I can't say for sure Broly hired Killer Croc or not, but I do believe he did kill him. I think Killer Croc as Not Killer Croc entered the room and locked it, making sure escape was impossible. Somehow, despite his bulky size, he silently and quickly stabbed Linkara in the chest with the knife. Then he decided to clean up the blood, but as it didn't go in, Linkara didn't die. He then heard us knocking, he then attempted to escape from Killer Croc and go for help, dazed and wobbly, he then unlocked the door, and then…"
I looked at him in a confused and horrified manner, looking at him as he looked at me so calmly with that smug smile. "Are you saying that…"
"Corrrrrect, Squidward," replied Mentok happily, "You killed Linkara when Kratos threw you, helping the criminal do his job! That is the reason Kratos doesn't want to go through, he's protecting your blue ass, Squiddy-my-boy!"
I then looked at him, with dead eyes, watching him. "Since you found out, I can't let you know, I can't let you tell anyone, I have to silence you...forever…"
Mentok kept on smiling, looking at me, then his expression turned to horror and said, "…HUH!"
I then screamed and jumped on him as I flailed my tentacles at his face, laughing manically. He screamed and cried as this happened, his face bruised.
I then began to strangle him, watching his tear-soaked eyes look into my wide veined eyes of a madman…
As Phil watched over the room, Heavy then ran to him with a frightened expression, completely terrified.
"Someone murdered Mentok!" screamed Heavy, "Blood everywhere, SO MUCH BLOOD! Like spaghetti!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Phil, with his arms in the sky, "He knew where my lunchbox was!"
"Come quick, it's ready!" yelled Heavy, he then ran as Phil followed him down the hall. How do I know this, because I was watching, from behind a door, because I killed Mentok!
I exited my hiding place and creeped into Linkara's room, seeing his dead body on the ground, eyes still open.
As I stared at the body, Kratos entered the room, looking at the body as well. "Who knew you could turn into a psychopath," he said in a monotone voice.
"Yeah, and I want more," I hissed, smiling like a madman, "I want more blood."
"Trust me, you'll get it," growled Kratos.
"Now, let's have turns raping Linkara's body!" hissed Squidward.
"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I'm not dead!" screamed Linkara, quickly getting up.
"AHAAA!" I yelled, pointing at him, "I knew it!"
Linkara sighed and groaned, "Thanks a lot, I was trying to fake my death long enough for the Bat to get to me so I could tell him what was really going on, but thanks to you meddling kids and your dumb Dalek, I failed!"
Mentok then burst through the door, covered in blood and with multiple stab wounds, breathing wildly. "You bastard, just to figure out what was going on!"
"Hey, it worked!" I argued, "I found out that this was just a game that you guys played just to keep Kratos happy, meaning Broly and Not Killer Croc were all just in on it all as well, meaning it is just like the original episode…right?"
The room was silent, Mentok was looking around suspiciously, and then Linkara sighed and said, "We need to talk."
We all sat at in the dining room, with everyone there, including Broly and Not Killer Croc, all sitting at the main table.
I looked out the window, still standing and I walked over and said, "I have now found out the full story, thanks to Linkara's full confession, if you will."
"Thank you," replied Linkara, then getting up and revealing as he circled the table, "You see, I was attacked alright, I was working in my room, writing the script for my next review, when I heard a knock on the door. Foolishly, I opened it to reveal Not Killer Croc, who I still had no idea who it was, until he removed the skin-mask of Yami Yugi from his face, revealing the dreaded Killer Croc!"
"Damn!" growled Not Killer Croc, slamming the table, ripping off the mask and throwing it at Dalek Yuki's eyepiece, flailing around trying to get it off, "I was so close!"
"And to think we baked cupcakes together!" scorned Phil angrily, he then yelled, pointing at Killer Croc, "YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, CROC! HAHAAA, old running gag!"
"May I continue!" sternly interrupted Linkara, then proceeding to continue, "He still needed to escape, so he had to kill me with a knife, to not raise suspicion to himself, as he is known to kill people by mauling and ripping them apart. So, he stabbed me and proceeded to clean up all the blood on the floor…"
"What about the words, "Fuck Pig" on the wall written in feces?" asked Mentok.
"Oh, it was always there, actually," replied Linkara quickly, he then continued to go on with his investigation, "Luckily, the Youngblood comic was so full of bologna that I was able to survive, barely. I then faked my death long enough for you guys to find my 'supposedly' dead body, but like a bunch of idiots, you jumped to conclusions, and then stomped on me! It would've been nice to check my pulse, but you didn't…why!"
"That's how I always check pulses!" replied Phil happily.
"Whatever, now, I already told you all about the scenario, but let me tell you things you would have never found out! Like the fact Killer Croc was NOT, and I repeat, NOT hired by Broly. The truth of the matter is the fact that Broly is a huge fan of me, but hated the fact that I do not curse at all during my shows, and wanted me to change, I told him to get lost, and he did. He was going to live in Latveria, take up lounge dancing, and marry a nice Latverian woman."
"Yep," replied Broly happily, sporting a big dumb smile.
"So, who hired Killer Croc to murder you?" asked Azula.
"Who?" asked Kratos.
"Who?" asked Rukia.
"Who?" asked Phil.
"GET THIS THING OFFA MEEEEE!" screamed Dalek Yuki as she continued to try and pull the face of Yugi off of her.
"I will not tell, but I will show!" announced Linkara, who then pulled out Killer Croc's cell phone which we didn't know he had until now, calling a number and putting into his ear.
We then heard the door open, we all turned to see, and saw the culprit with a phone at his ear. He wore a long white lab coat, had wild hair, hypno-goggles, and looked all together insane.
"Hello? Croc! Did you kill Linkara!" he yelled into the phone, he then saw everyone at the table and said, "Oh, poop!"
"Yes, it was my nemesis, Dr. Insano!" announced Linkara, pointing at him.
"Oh, damn it all!" screamed Dr. Insano, "How did you figure it out!"
"He saved your number," announced Linkara casually.
"Oh, what kind of assassin are you!" Dr. Insano scolded Killer Croc.
"Sorry," growled Killer Croc.
"You see, Squidward and Kratos nearly got to Dr. Insano, who was nearby so that he could collect my body and harvest my DNA for an army of Linkara clones, but he attempted to get rid of you, but failed, and now, the jig is up, Dr. Insano!"
"You may have defeated me, Linkara, but you have not won…against SCIEEEENCE!" screamed Dr. Insano. He then pulled out a laser and aimed it at Linkara's heart.
"What are you doing, you failed, plus a crazy Spartan and his friends will totally own you if you try something!" argued Linkara.
"Maybe, but at least you will die! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" insanely laughed Dr. Insano, he prepared to fire the gun, and then Dalek Yuki finally threw off the face, landing on Dr. Insano's face. He screamed as he pressed the skin against his face, wildly thrashing around. Kratos then jumped at him and tackled him onto the ground, knocking him unconscious.
Linkara walked over to Kratos as he got up and patted his back, saying "Thanks"
"No problem," he growled, looking at Dr. Insano's unconscious body. Well, that was different from the original source!
"So, who was that Dr. Insano guy anyway?" I asked Mentok as we watched the island from the ship.
"A nutjob trying to take over the world," replied Mentok simply.
"Of course," I answered silently. Mentok then began to stare at a mole on my neck, staring and staring, until he reached out and ripped the mole from my neck, blood and pus squirting out.
"GAAAAAH!" I screamed, holding the wound, "You're problem!"
"Sorry, moles scare me," replied Mentok, holding the mole.
Somewhere, on the ship, Dr. Insano was being kept in the storage room, he then grabbed his cell phone and released a call on speaker, after a few rings, it finally answered.
"Did you succeed with your mission?" asked a voice.
"No, I am sorry, I was defeated by the face of a kid who play's card games," revealed an embarrassed Dr. Insano.
"I see," sighed the voice, "My employer will not be happy with this."
"Wait, why didn't the man who employed you employ me?" asked Dr. Insano.
"Silence, the employer does not want to be known!" yelled the voice, making Dr. Insano flinch, "He will reveal himself soon enough, but in the meantime, you will stay in your cell, waiting for imprisonment! Understand?"
"Yes, sir, but I would like a second chance!" whimpered Dr. Insano.
"You will…you will," hissed the voice, then saying, "I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember so you don't have to…um…you didn't hear that…"
"Wait?" let out Dr. Insano, "Nostalgia Critic?"
"Um, no," replied the Nostalgia Critic.
"You want Linkara dead?" asked a confused Dr. Insano, "Why?"
"Well, actually, I don't want Linkara to die, in fact you did your job, it was to actually keep Kratos busy, the imployer knew you'd fail, but decided not to tell you."
"…HUH!" emoted Dr. Insano.
"He offered me a truckload of Klondike Bars for the job and he assured me that Linkara would not be harmed," revealed the Nostalgia Critic, "So…yeah…"
"…That's insane!" yelled Dr. Insano.
"Don't be hypocritical, you'd do that too!" argued Nostalgia Critic.
"Well, yes…but…" let out Dr. Insano.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, I don't need to take shit from you, I have to review a bad movie!" yelled Nostalgia Critic, hanging up on him, leaving an utterly confused Dr. Insano.
How do I know this, because I am not Squidward Tentacles, for I have taken his ability to narrate from him, I am Darkorath! Ruler of Twenty-One Dimensions! Father of all Psychlos! King of all Orcadactyls! I am also the one who hired the Critic to distract the fools, and soon, I will drink their souls from my Cup of Darkness! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
The Banana Slug: Confused? So am I.
Well, the next is Endless Eight, I implore my non-existent readers to read on, trust me, I know what I am doing…sometimes…not all the time…but MOST of the time…fuck it, just read the Endless Eight chapters, for Feet's sake!