The Banana Slug: …
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…It's time…
The Melancholy of Kratos
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 12: Endless Eight Part 1
AKA …It's time…
It was the sixteenth of August, and the beginning of a repetitive episode arc that will go down in history as a huge what-the-fuck moment of all of the series.
I was watching baseball and, oh look, it's Red Skull and his team, it seems he is losing to Captain America and his X-Men…how ironic…am I just narrating because I'm bored?
And then, the phone rang, my cell phone to be accurate, not the home phone…wait, where are my parents?
I looked at my phone, oh great, it's Kratos. Swell. I answered it to be greeted with, "MEET ME IN FRONT OF THE STATION! DON'T BE LATE!"
My eardrums gave a ringing noise afterwards. Damn it all, Kratos, keep on telling me to do shit and I'll say, NO MORE! And then hide in Bolivia.
The phone rang again, I was hesitant to answer it, as it was Kratos again, I listened to hear Kratos say, "Also, bring your swim trunks and your bike."
Well, that was nice of him to not yell at me through the phone! "AND BRING MONEY!" See how I put four exclamation points there, it was really loud.
What was all that about, is what I thought as Heavy looked at me, smiling like a moron.
"Oh well," I sighed as I got up and went to my room to get me swim trunks, hearing the cheering from Red Skull totally losing out there, beaten terribly by Captain America…sucks to be Red Skull right now.
As I was gone, a humanoid puppet appeared on the screen, looked at Heavy as it looked at him, hissing, "Get over here and TOUCH IT!"
Heavy screamed and threw the couch at the television screen, breaking it. "AAHAHAHAHAAAA! SOILED DIAPER!"
I rode my bike past a raging pack of Velociraptors to the station, where Kratos wanted to meet me. He then yelled, "PENALTY!" and promptly beheaded me…I was revived because of Mentok, of course.
"Your welcome!"
I then walked to Kratos, who was hotwiring a Lamborghini. "So, where are we going?"
"Public pool, fuck-face!" yelled Kratos, "We only got a little while as summer vacation draws a close, and then, guess what, BACK TO SCHOOL!"
"Okay?" was all I could reply.
"So, we are going to the beach to have some fucking good time, understand?" growled Kratos.
"Yes, master," I said sarcastically.
I got in the hotwired car along with everyone else, driving away from an angry little man. Midgets are funny.
"Squidward! gasped Mentok
We finally arrived at the public pool, seeing many different people there besides us. We all got in our swimming gear, Kratos began to sniff the air.
"Smell that, that's the smell of Pinesol!" growled Kratos with a smile, "It's the smell of summer!"
He grabbed Azula's arm and Dalek Yuki's plunger, jumping into the water with both of them. Me and Mentok just stared at them as we stood next to the "NO DIVING" sign. Seriously, those signs save lives, ass-holes!
"Come on in!" yelled Kratos, "The water is warm!"
"I PEE-PEEEEED!" screamed Dalek Yuki, which was followed by everyone swimming away from her.
"It's nice seeing Kratos do things that don't involve killing people," gleefully chimed Mentok, "Less work for me!"
"Are you kidding?" I reminded, "He stole a car!"
"At least no one died!" replied Mentok happily, waving his arms around, "Booweeoop."
"Yet!" I reminded loudly, "Yet, you mean!"
"Oh, get that stick out of your buns!" argued Mentok playfully, "Nothing has happened since last chapter, which was MONTHS ago! So, think of it, everything is peaceful with the world, nothing could go wrong, promise!"
Kratos then rose from the water, along with Dalek Yuki and Azula, who walked towards us, Azula holding a basket. "Okay, lunchtime, Azula made us Miltank-Burgers!"
"Murderers!" yelled a man from far away in a fedora and trench coat, "Muuuurderers!"
"Ignore him," groaned Kratos, "He's just hungry."
We all sat down and ate our burgers, ignoring the rants of the trench coat-wearing cameo. I had mine with mustard and cheese. They were good, but they were no Krabby Patties.
Things were peaceful, I can say that, it was incredibly peaceful…too peaceful. Then a ball hit our blanket, nothing was harmed, it bounced right past us.
"We're sorry!" called out two girls.
"YOU WILL BE NOOOOWWW!" roared Kratos. I cannot describe what happened next, but, oh the humanity, was it bloody and gory.
Despite what happened to those little girls, this was a perfect way to celebrate summer.
We met later at a restaurant, when the sun was orange and setting. Kratos slapped onto the table a paper with a list written on it.
"What is this, the bill?" I asked sarcastically, "HEEEH HEH HEH HEEEH."
"Shut up, Squidward, we will be doing this shit all summer long!" announced Kratos, "We only have a little time left for summer vacation, if only we lived in America were they care not about education. It's the land of the free. Free-LOADERS! So, we need to do all the stuff on the list before time runs out!"
"Let me see," replied Mentok, reading the list, "O-Ban Festival, part-time jobs, cicida catching, destroying the world…how about we skip that one for next summer."
"Fine!" growled Kratos, putting his arms together.
"How the barnacle are we going to finish this all in time?" I interrogated angrily.
"Sheer willpower!" announced Kratos.
"Bullshit!" I called out.
"Stop being an ass, Squidward!" yelled Kratos, "We're doing this whether you like it or not!" And…I can actually handle it. I just like to stay as my jerk self because that's my shtick and I'm sticking with it.
After paying for our 10000 yen dinner, we left and would meet up again, the next day…and the next day…
The next day, Kratos woke me up from my beautiful dream, telling me he found a festival for all of us to go to, oh swell, next he'll tell me we're buying Viking costumes, saying he doesn't care for tradition and just wants to look savage.
Kratos, Azula, and Dalek Yuki then went into the changing rooms to put on their Viking costumes. After getting strange looks by a passing by homeless man, Kratos and the others came out wearing their Viking costumes, and you thought Kratos was badass looking before!
"TOO THE FESTIVAL!" roared Kratos, "WE WILL TEAR IT A NEW ONE!"
…HUH!
We all entered the festival, strangely, Kratos didn't start hacking and slashing everything apart…am I in Bizarro World!
"Azula, let's go catch a fish!" growled Kratos with an insane smile, "And eat it!"
"Um, okay, even though I never mentioned it, sure," replied a confused Azula, they both then ran to the fish place.
"Hey, we can eat fish too if you want, we'll make it a game!" Mentok said happily.
"Sure, let's make a game of eating what could be my friends!" I rejected.
"Just saying," sighed Mentok, then adding quickly and silently, "Jerk."
"I WANT A MAAAAASK!" screamed Dalek Yuki, hovering over to the stand. She attempted to put one on her stalk, but it kept on falling off, "DAAAAAMN!"
"Here, let me help!" I said, I then duct taped the blue alien mask to the side of her shell.
"I FEEL PRETTYYYYY!" screamed Dalek Yuki. You sure are…
Later we met up with Kratos and Azula once again, Kratos announced loudly, "I ATE TEN FISH!"
"I ate one," replied Azula quietly, "It was disgusting."
We then decided to do some other fun things around the festival, like shooting small stuff for toys, grabbing water balloons with string, eating cotton candy, and killed a guy. It was fun.
We then lit fireworks after wards, hell, I even rode a bike and shot fireworks from the back of it. We even lit a nuclear bomb. It was really fun!
Even with the deaths of millions of people, I still had fun. Offensive fun, but still, fun. Maybe catching insects would be fun too! Fun, fun, fun…wait, butterflies are bugs, right? If you saw the episode, "Wormy", you'd know why am now dreading tomorrow.
I preformed a legit Native American rain dance last night, hoping for rain, but I must have missed a step or two, as it was warm and sunny the next day.
We went out to catch some cicadas, how grand…we get to catch a bunch of creepy pests. I am having no fun already.
"I want to eat one!" growled Kratos. Why?
"I will fry it in batter, just like how Gordon Ramsey would!" growled Kratos. No he wouldn't. He'd curse you out before he would.
"Alright, the one who catches the most cicadas…won't die!" announced Kratos. We all then decided…catching bugs would PROBABLY be a good thing.
Dalek Yuki caught a bug from Klandaathu, then promptly killed it. In the end, Azula caught one, Dalek Yuki caught none, Mentok caught three, I caught twenty-seven, and Kratos caught five-hundred.
"I have decided to spare your lives!" yelled Kratos, "Because I want to kill you, another day!"
Kratos then did the right thing and let the cicadas go, flying into the mountain to return to their friends and family…would be something I would like to say, but instead, he ate them all in one sitting.
Gross.
The next day, Kratos got us all part-time jobs at a strip-club. Yes, I said strip club. I eff you not.
Azula did a good job, yet who couldn't blame her, she's the hot fiery Juniper flower of the Fire Nation.
Mentok was very popular with the ladies in his sailor suit, must be the goatee. Chicks dig the goatee.
Dalek Yuki was popular with the fat people, mainly because they kept on mistaking her for the trashcan.
Me? Well, I was forced to go out in the club floors and keep on yelling, "Daaaaance! Anyone want a daaaaaaance!"
Kratos was just talking to the manager, if he gets paid more, I am going to fucking kill everyone in this whole fanfic! If you don't believe I will, check the last chapter!
We all then waited in the dressing room for Kratos to show up, which he did. Finally!
"Alright, you did an awesome job, bitches!" announced Kratos happily.
"So, how much do we get?" I asked.
"He gave us a mountain of crack," replied Kratos, "All ours!"
We all sighed in discomfort, we all prefer grass. But you know what, I learned something today, it is weird to have no one cum on you.
The next day, we decided to go star gazing…and it's till weird not having…Never mind. Mentok had a large telescope for all of us to share…I hate sharing.
"The telescopes are different in your time than mine," let out Azula.
"Sorry, we make ours out of steel and glass, not dung and mud," I replied.
"…Go to hell," growled Azula.
"Hey, I found Mars!" yelled out Mentok, who was looking into the telescope. Kratos and I looked into it and saw the red planet, and I thought I saw a figure on the surface. It looked black, had green armor, and had piercing white eyes. He looked like he was pressing a button, but was suddenly disappointed, as if he was expecting an earth-shattering kaboom.
"I bet the Martians were wiped out by demons," growled Kratos.
"I agree," I quickly replied.
And then the next day, Kratos made us visit at the station again, announcing as he crushed a bug with a bat, "Alright, I saw a baseball show, and now, we are going to hit baseballs over and over again with our bats!"
"And if you make me sound gay again!" threatened Mentok to me, holding a knife at my throat.
"Alright, alright, stop getting so pissed off!" I groaned.
Mentok then glared at me and nodded, floating away.
Later, we went into the Sport's Dome, were we were pelted with balls, over and over again, the balls coming and coming and GROW UP!
We hit some of the baseballs, hitting back to the fence, even though Azula kept on getting hit by the large and round balls…no correction there.
As I watched Kratos hit baseball after baseball, I wonder, where does he get his energy. Krypton? People's souls? Those red orbs you find after you kill those monster's in his game?
He then hit the baseball at large target chained up at the ceiling, causing it to fall down and killed a puppy.
We got banned…for life. I don't see why we were punished, it was their target, it was their baseball.
Hey, how many paragraph breaks does this chapter have?
Anyway, we went through activity after activity, we saw a buttload of fireworks, it was awesome, I think I saw a plane fall down.
We then went fishing near the stream, but we were kicked out after Kratos drowned a police officer after he accidentally snagged him and kept reeling him in, even when we begged him to stop.
We then did, what Kratos called, a Test of Courage, which was just entering through a graveyard, a simple graveyard…full of mummies! Sure, the mummies almost made Azula their bride, but Kratos dealt with undead soldiers before.
Then there was the Test of Sanity, which was watching Twilight in HD at the movie theatre. Even now, I feel like my world has been shifted, like as if, Bram Stroker's Dracula has no meaning anymore, like Blade was actually a pansy…why do women want these assholes! Skin of a killer my ass, that's the skin of a pretty pony. Damn, the Crow had more balls than you, Edward Cullen, and he was whining almost constantly about his dead girlfriend!
We went to the beach, right in the middle of Kraken season. Even so, Kratos went in anyway…at least we got to meet Davy Jones in real life, despite the wanting to take your soul part and the over-all saltiness, he's a really nice guy.
We then went bowling, but we had the unfortunate job of being the pins because of a rule by you-know-who…VOLDEMORT! Yeah, he's a real prick in real life. Go figure.
The, we sang terrible karaoke, although, Kratos' rendition of "Coming Undone" by "KoRn" was actually pretty good, it was just Dalek Yuki's version of "Friday" by "Rebecca Black" that killed the mood. At least my version of "Another Brick in the Wall" by "Pink Floyd" got a few laughs.
Despite all this, it was a really fun summer vacation, god, I had the time of my life, I always wanted to meet the Disney Version of Davy Jones, I kinda grew tired of my version.
We later met at the diner, Kratos scratching off all the things we have done, biting a hamburger.
"As of August 30th, we have finally done everything," revealed Kratos, and millions of people died because of you, he then continued, "But it seems so empty…like I wish we did a bit more…"
"No," I quickly added.
"Fine, Squidward," groaned Kratos, "Be that way! It's just, I feel like we don't have much time together anymore, it just seems something wicked this way comes, but altogether, I could just be spilling out shit.""Nah, even though I use to want this fanfic to end abruptly, I want it to end with a bang, a perfect finale," I revealed happily, "I just don't know how the author will do it."
"Are you saying you know respect the author?" interrogated Azula with a smile. I then strangled her and roared, "NEVAAAAAH!", then throwing her back to the seats behind us.
After we were kicked out for disturbing the peace, we all said our goodbyes and walked away to our homes.
I do mean it though, I just hope the author doesn't make this into a deadfic, that would be disrespectful for the juvenile and utterly simplistic art style of fanfiction.
The next day, it was August 31st, the homework could have been finished, but I decided to just screw around, hell, it's just summer homework, who cares, I don't.
As I was playing TimeSplitters with Heavy, I suddenly remembered something, I remembered me, at the cashier stand, taking orders, Spongebob annoying me from the kitchen, and Mr. Krab's yelling at me with saliva on my face. The smell of burgers was everywhere, the sweaty customers eating and eating over and over again like wild animals.
I even remember my house, my Easter Island head, with my art, my dancing…
…
…my clarinet…
"SQUIDWARD!" yelled Heavy. It seems I was frozen in thoughts, broken by Heavy's yelling, he then asked, "Is brother teammate okay?"
"Hey, Heavy, do you have…strange memories?" I asked.
"Heavy remembers fighting for team, in a fortress, with a gun named Sasha, and that I wanted to kiss Scout, and he said, 'NOOOO!' and I cried…why?"
"…No reason," and yet it was a good reason. It seems I am not alone, I too remember…who else remembers. I'll ask the others, tomorrow.
The Banana Slug: …
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…I am so sorry.