The Banana Slug: You know what, no, I ain't gonna do it anymore!
The Melancholy of Kratos
By the Banana Slug
CHAPTER 13: Endless Eight Part II
AKA Donald Trump.
_It was the sixteenth of August, and the beginning of a repetitive episode arc that will go down in history as a huge what-the-fuck moment of all of the series.
I was watching a baseball game with Red Skull and his Sentinels beating Captain America and his X-Men, looks like Nazism will win today.
And then, the phone rang, my cell phone to be accurate, not the home phone…wait, where are my parents?
I for some reason knew it was Kratos, I answered it and I heard, "Squidward! Bring swim trunks! Bike! Meet at station! NOW!"
Simplistic, I somehow knew he would call again, I answered it, I heard, "MONEY!"
Strange, I knew he wanted trunks, bike, and money, and to meet at the station. Am I actually an Esper, they did say that cephalopods are intelligent.
Maybe it was déjà vu, when you think you remember it, but you probably saw it somewhere else or you didn't but somehow convinced yourself that you did.
Summer's almost over, right?
I rode my bike past a raging pack of Dilophosauruses to the station, where Kratos wanted to meet me. He then yelled, "PENALTY!" and promptly vivisected me…I was revived because of Mentok, of course.
"Of course," replied Mentok. Then silently thinking to himself.
I then walked to Kratos, who was hotwiring a Prius. "Where are we going, and how are we going to fit in there?"
"We are going to the beach, dummy!" yelled Kratos, "And if clowns can do it, so can we!"
"Why?" I asked.
"I don't know, they must have bones of plastic," replied Kratos.
"Not that, why the pool?" I asked, "Is it to make sure our memories of summer last for a long time as time is pretty short?"
"Yeah, good guess," replied Kratos, looking at me, "How'd you know?"
"Guessed," I replied. Déjà vu all over again.
We all then climbed into the small blue Prius, driving away as a man with down-syndrome yelled at us. Mongoloids are funny.
"Squidward, not cool!" yelled Mentok, who then returned to his silent thinking.
We finally arrived at the public pool, seeing millions of cows splashing around in the pool. We all got in our swimming gear, Kratos began to sniff the air.
"Aaaaaah, that's the smell of Pinesol!" growled Kratos with a glare.
Dalek Yuki and Kratos then jumped into the pool, he then swam to the edge and yelled at us, "Get in! The water is warm! It's perfect!"
"I POO-POOOOOED!" screamed Dalek Yuki, everyone screamed and ran from the pool. Can't you see the "NO DIVING" signs, maybe my glare will tell you that you did wrong. It apparently is not working.
"It's peaceful seeing Kratos do activities other than killing people," gleefully sang Mentok, "I don't have a care in the world!"
"He stole a car, you know," I reminded
"Blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine!" argued Mentok playfully, "Nothing has happened since last chapter, so nothing should go wrong…wait…"
"Something wrong?" I asked.
"Nnnnno, not at all," replied Mentok with a forced smile.
For some reason, I asked this question for Mentok, at first, I said, no, I don't wanna say it, but I did, so here we go. "Hey, do you ever have…weird memories?"
"Well, come to think of it, I think I used to be a judge, but for some reason, I am a member of the Organization, but wait, I don't even remember joining the Organization, I just remembered me getting up, going to school, and running into Kratos…"
"What do you think it means?" I asked curiously.
"It means I must have really got drunk the night before!" laughed Mentok.
Strange, after the poop was fished out, and everyone went swimming again, I couldn't shake the feeling like we done this before, like some asshole kept on rewinding the tape over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, to the point of annoyance where you have to yell, "GET ON WITH IT!" so loud that it shakes the room.
I mean, I for some reason remember us eating Miltank-burgers, but not the man in the fedora and trench coat watching us from a far, before sighing and leaving. I also remember Kratos murdering two little girls, but I don't remember the cops trying to detain him.
Then again, I don't remember Kratos throwing the beach ball at Azula so hard it broke her nose, making me laugh till I bit my tongue. HAAAH HAAH HAAAH!
Dalek Yuki just sat it out, watching from the shades, looking bored…then again, how can you tell the expression of a Dalek? Impossible!
We met later at a restaurant, when the sun was orange and setting. Kratos slapped onto the table a paper with a list written on it.
"What is this, the groceries?" I taunted slyly, "HEEEH HEH HEH HEEEH."
"Fuck you, Squidward, we will be doing this shit all summer long!" announced Kratos, "We only have a little time left for summer vacation, this is hard-working Japan, not free-loading America! So, we need to do all the stuff on the list before time runs out!"
"Let me see," replied Mentok, reading the list, then handing it back, looking confused.
"How the hell are we going to finish this all in two weeks?" I interrogated angrily.
"Teamwork!" announced Kratos.
"Huh?" I let out.
After being called out by Kratos, having to pay the 1000 yen bill, we all said our goodbyes and left to home, me standing around like a jackass.
I then saw Dalek Yuki hover away, I ran to her, calling her name, she turned to me and looked at me with her long stalk, staring at me as I looked like an idiot.
"Um, erm, derp, I," I let out, before saying actual words, "How are you, how's everything?"
"GEE, SQUIDWARD! IT'S NOT LIKE WE KNOW EACHOTHER ON A REGULAR BASIS!" screamed Dalek Yuki, she then paused and screamed, "YEAH, SURE, I AM FIIIIINE!"
"Oh, right," I let out sheepishly.
"…PISS OFF!" screamed Dalek Yuki as she sped away. Jesus, what's got her knickers in a fucking bunch?
The next morning, I got a call from God of War Kratos, telling me he found an O-Ban Festival and we need to get Pirate costume, because he ain't no slave to the system.
As we shopped for Pirate costumes, for some reason, I didn't help Azula as she was manhandled by Kratos, I just stared like an idiot at her, drooling with lust.
When we finally went to the O-Ban Festival, for some reason, it felt like I was here not long ago, even though I never went to one…ever. It just seemed so familiar, the towers, the vendors, the strange homeless man making funny faces at me.
"Come on, Azula, let's go eat a fish!" yelled Kratos.
"Sure, that sounds like fun," groaned Azula, not really meaning. As Mentok and I watched them leave, he then pressed his face onto mine and asked, "Let's scoop some fiiiish, let's make a coooontest!"
"Nope," I replied blankly.
I then walked to Dalek Yuki and asked, "Hey, Yuki, want to…"
"YEAH, YEAH, I WANT A MASK, LET'S GO!" screamed a obviously bored Dalek Yuko.
She then hovered to the mask stand, threw the money at the man, puncturing the coins in his forehead, him screaming in agony as she grabbed a red alien-like mask and hovered off. How rude.
Later, when we sat down eating one sugary sweet, Kratos smiled and looked at the stars, saying, "I ate me a fish."
"It was horrible," replied Azula, holding her stomach.
We then decided to blow up us some fireworks, we killed a man in the process, it was kind of enjoying.
Kratos checked off today and said we will now catch us some bugs, which I was suddenly reminded of Wormy, the killer butterfly…
Kratos then got up and announced the whole thing, saying the winner will get to live. Damn Kratos and his psychopathic urges, that's it, I'm dancing for rain!
The day of catching cicadas was upon us, and rain, rain it never showed it's ugly head, fuck you, cloud!
We caught cicadas as best as we could, but our commander and chief caught them all, saying he decided to spare our lives, if only one of us sucked him off. Azula was the one for that dirty deed, done with sheep.
Kratos then sat down and ate his cicadas all in one sitting, all three-hundred of them. Why do I find the number of cicadas ironic.
Also, why do I expect another paragraph break?
The next day had us working at a strip club, the only one not popular at all was me, as I walked around in lingerie, yelling out, "DAAAAAAANCE! Does anyone want to DAAAAAAANCE!"
God I hate you Kratos, I hope you get retribution in the end, I hope something really bad happens to you, I don't care if it hurts the rest of the Brigade! Hell, I don't care if it hurts me, I want you to get your come upends! Like the foreshadowing?
Afterwards, back in the locker room, Kratos barged in and high-fived us forcefully, he then yelled, "The manager is grateful of your hard work, except you, Squidward, he found you disappointing!"
"No one wanted to daaaaance," I quickly replied.
"Whatever, and our reward is…" announced Kratos, pausing for dramatic effect, then revealing "A mountain of pot!"
We sighed in disappointment, we preferred rocks. Although, I let out a "Hm?" afterwards, then quickly shutting up and looking away, I hope Mentok didn't see me, he'll make a big deal out of shit nothing!
Later that night, my sleep was disturbed by my foolish phone, how dare ye awake me from thy slumber…what?
I answered the phone and asked, "No."
I quickly sat up hearing Azula sobbing madly, trying to say something, except she was crying so hard I couldn't understand a goddamn thing.
"Azula! What is it!" I yelled.
"Hold on, hold on!" she cried, she then took a deep breath and yelled, "AY CANA OOS MA TAM TAVAYA DAVAAAAAAA!"
"Huh?" I let out, confused as hell.
"TAM TAVAYA DAVAAAA ENT WUK ANAMOOOR! BORGUH AR NUT HAAAALP!"
God, I hate talking to people who speak Crybaby, it's like Bikini Bottom all over again. I then heard a voice that made my testicles rise up.
"Hello, I have your daughter," Mentok cryptically said on the other line."Stop being an ass!" I yelled on the other line, "Why are you with Azula in the middle of the night?"
"We had sex," replied Mentok bluntly, "Oh, and we have a situation, get your ass over here."
Great, everyone is getting tail but me! It's high school all over…never mind. "Where?" I angrily asked.
How did I get out here?
I ran to the station to find Dalek Yuki, Mentok, and Azula were sitting on the porch. I ran to them and politely asked Mentok, "What the hell?"
"SQUIDWAAAHAHAHAAARD!" cried Azula, with tears and snot running down her face, no sexy cry tonight, "I can't go back to the future! The Borgs have abandoned me!"
Mentok ate a chip from the ground and said, "Yep, that's what happened."
"Okay," I let out in confusion, "Explain Mentok, quickly and the best you can."
"Easily, micro-brain," replied Mentok happily, "We're stuck in a time-loop, over and over again, reliving the period of August 15th to September 1st, like someone keeps on rewinding the tape!"
Keep smiling, jackass, the world is just stealing from Groundhog's Day! No biggie!
"You see, I talked to Azula, after we had hot sex, that something seemed iffy, so she attempted to go back in time, but the DeLorean would not work, not because of fuel, but because of the time loop."
"Next time, call me when you have a word with her!" I yelled.
"Before or after we have sex?" taunted Mentok.
"…So what is the problem?" I sighed in anger.
"We are trapped, in a time loop, didn't you hear me?" groaned Mentok, "Boy, you have bad ears! You see, everyone's memories are reset, like a universal deneurolizer, even us, to an extent, all because of, you guessed it, Kratos."
"Oh, great, it's Kratos again!" I ranted angrily, "Oh, thanks a lot, God of War! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"
"I know, I know, it sucks," calmed Mentok as he handed me some Tylenol, me gulping them down like M&M's and Eminem, "It seems Kratos wanted to do something else, something not done yet that we hadn't had the time to do yet, it sucks…royally."
"So, how do we fix this?" I asked cautiously.
He then moved his face near my face and said, "If we knew that, I'd get us out of this shit in a millisecond." If you're going to smooch me, give me a warning first.
"Care to explain a bit more, Mr. Possible Homosexual?" I interrogated and taunted.
"Very well, Mr. Definetly Bisexual," replied Mentok, standing straight again, "Kratos has no knowledge of this all, as well as the fact that we keep on forgetting and remembering this shit over and over again, almost like this happened before in an original source, but the one person not immune to déjà vu is our own Dalek Yuki."
I turned to Dalek Yuki, asking, "Is that true?"
"CORRECT, MONGREL!" screamed Dalek Yuki, jeez!
"How do you transcend space and time?" I asked confusion, "You ain't no Data Interface, you're a Dalek!"
"I WILL EXPLAAAAAIIIN!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "YOU SEE, I MUST FIRST TELL YOU, I USED TO BE A MAN!"
"…What!" I let out in confusion.
"AND MY NAME WAS NOT DALEK YUKI, IT WAS DALEK CAAN!" Dalek Yuki screamed and explained, "I WENT BACK IN TIME A LONG TIME AGO, THROUGH THE TIME STREAM, AND WENT MAD!"
I looked at her for a while, then saying, "No, no, please continue. I just found out the girl I had hots for is a post-op transvestite."
"I HAVE BECOME A DIFFERENT PART OF THE TIME STREAAAAM! NOT BOUND BY THEIR RULES, EXCEPT FOR THE PART THAT I AM TRAPPED IN A TIME LOOOOOOP! I REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE DETAIL, IN FACT, IT IS STARTING TO ANNOY ME!"
"So, we have been repeating the same shtick over and over again?" I asked in confusion.
"WROOOOONG!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "SOMETIMES WE GO FISHING, AND SOMETIMES WE DO NOT! SOMETIMES WE GOD BUG CATCHING, SOMETIMES WE DO NOT! SOMETIMES WE HAVE GROUP SE…"
"Okay, okay, I get it!" I interrupted loudly, "How many times did we repeat the summer?"
"OVER 9,000!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"What! 9,000!" I yelled out in disbelief.
"NO SHIT!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "IN FACT, WE WERE ALL PULLED INTO THIS UNIVERSE BY A HIGHER, IF NOT LESSER INTELLIGENT BEING!"
"What do you mean?" I asked Dalek Caan…I mean Yuki.
"YOU USED TO BE A CASHIER IN AN UNDERSEA RESTAURANT, YES?" Dalek Yuki interrogated.
"Um, yeah, yes I was," I replied quickly, "I remember now!"
"I know my whole back-story!" interrupted Azula, still crying, "I was a Fire Princess, and I was contacted by the Borg to go back in time!"
"I used to be a judge!" added Mentok, then attempting to be sexy by saying, "A sexy judge."
"WE WERE ALL SOMEHOW DRAWN INTO THIS UNIVERSE, FOR SOMEONE'S AMUSEMENT!" screamed Dalek Yuki. I don't think anyone is paying attention.
We all decided it was nothing and return to our studies…why did I say that? But nonetheless, damn Dalek Yuki, repeating the summer over and over again, no wonder you are really grumpy.
As I looked back from my front door, I just realized something…
…
I could have had a V8!
The next night, we went up to Dalek Yuki's rooftop to go stargazing and to hide from the police after killing a school bus full of puppies. Mentok brought the telescope. That is all I have to say about that.
"I wonder if they are real," growled Kratos as he looked through the telescope.
"No, those tits aren't real," commenting on Azula, I was. Yoda, I am not.
"I mean Martians, dummy!" yelled Kratos, "I bet they are creatures that have tripods that will attempt to colonize our world with red root and soon die out from disease."
"Yeah, I could see that," I replied, looking into the city.
Later then, Kratos went to sleep, laying himself on the roof of Dalek Yuki's starship, with Azula sleeping against the wall of the building. Me and Mentok just watched them all, just watching, like guys with no lives, you know, fanfic writers.
"I still don't know what Kratos wants that will set everything back to normal!" I groaned, sighing and then continuing, "I guess we'll be stuck in an infinite loop for all eternity…"
"I have an idea!" yelled Mentok, then putting his arm around my shoulders and pressing his face against mine, then whispering, "How 'bout you go over to Kratos, and tell him, 'You're my best friend', hell, try saying 'I love you', that would get slash fanfic writers a boner!"
I glared at Mentok and pshed his face away from me, causing him to stumble backwards and fall on his ass, "I say no, even at the cost of our only escape, because I am an asshole!"
"No shit," replied Mentok as he got up, he then looked at Kratos and said, "Maybe I should give it a try…nah, that would only anger him."
"And me doing it won't!" I argued.
"…Good point, don't try it," replied Mentok after giving it some thought.
The next day, we decided to go batting at the batting range, were Kratos was killing. No, really, the baseballs were hitting people so hard it cracked skulls!
I walked over to Dalek Yuki, who was just standing near a seat. I sat next to her, just looking at the ground, then saying, "I think bananas might have intelligence."
"SO DO IIII!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
After releasing that tid-bit of useless knowledge, I decided to ask a real question, "So, you knew about this time-loop crap way before the others, right?"
"CORRECT, SQUIDWAAAARD!" screamed Dalek Yuki.
"So, why didn't you tell us about it?" I interrogated.
"THE TRUTH IS THAT I JUST THOUGHT OF IT NOW!" replied Dalek Yuki. I had no choice but to face-palm as Kratos hit the target, causing it to fall and cut a child's leg off.
"My baby!" screamed a woman.
"SHUT UP!" I yelled in anger.
We kept moving with the paces, the trek through the graveyard full of werewolves, watching the final Harry Potter movie (it rocked), going bowling for apples, me singing a karaoke version of "Tequila" and sucking, and meeting Davy Jones, he's a prick in real life, not like the very polite Dark Lord Voldemort.
As we went from activity through activity, I always wondered what that thing was that Kratos was missing, to keep him from causing time to loop again. But what can I do, I just saved the universe only once, and solved a murder attempt, but that was all.
I thought of all this as I walked home, awaiting August the 30th, and then, the day after tomorrow, we do the obnoxious story arc.
Then…it happened.
I entered my house, but…it wasn't my house, yet it was. It was my old house, completely like before. The bamboo couch, my endless gallery of beautiful art, my television. I looked outside to see a pineapple, and the other to see a large boulder.
I ran upstairs and went into my Music Room, seeing my clarinet on the stool. My god, I…I'm home…
…
…I'm finally home…all this time…so many periods…so little page space.
Suddenly, when I blinked my eyes, it was gone, and I was in my old room. Why? Why was all I could ask in my head, as a tear left my eye and dripped down my large nose.
Why?
Meh, probably smoked too much weed.
The next day, we all sat at the diner, all of us silent, except, well of course, Kratos, who was finishing up the list.
"That's it, we have done everything, even the trip to Paris, I don't know how we did that in a short amount of time," said Kratos, "But maybe there is something we could have also done, it just feels so empty…"
We all didn't respond, we just looked slightly pissed and played with our food, Kratos looking at all of us in confusion.
"You're right, that's all," growled Kratos as he crumpled up the paper. That's not all, it's never enough with you! We busted our asses and killed and maimed multiple people because of you!
I bet you are thinking this is the part where I run after Kratos, but some malevolent force pushes me back, but you are wrong…it's worse.
The doors slam open, revealing the Banana Slug, sliding down the linoleum towards us, slowly, incredibly slowly, almost unrealistically slowly, even for a slug.
For thirty minutes we watched him crawl to us, his red beady eyes looking around, his yellow skin oozing green slime from his brown stripes, his nostrils flaring with green mucus, and his teeth out in the open, his dirty yellow teeth that look like they could skin a boar, hiding his blue mouth.
He then climbed up on the table, looked at us all dead in the eyes, staying silent, for ten minutes, he then spoke, "…YOU'RE FIRED!"
We all looked at him with confusion, fear, and just plain old WTF. He then continued, "Yep, you're fired! All of you! Get out! Sign your resume! See if you can spell your fuckin' name right! I'm gonna go masturbate to a picture of Yuki Nagato!"
He then slithered down from the table, still going incredibly slow. We were all silent, until Kratos then finally yelled out one thing…
…
"…WHAT!"
The Banana Slug: …Yep. Play the walking theme for the Incredible Hulk now, the mood asks for it.
P.S. This is not the end.