Sonic Insanity

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Sonic the Hedgehog: A Virgin?

That was the headline on the next day's newspaper. Sonic spat a mouthful of coffee into his cereal. "What? This is preposterous! I'm a virgin like Shadow's the Ultimate Lifeform!"

"So, very much then," Shadow said smugly.

"You know what I meant, faker! I'm a virgin like Knuckles hates rap!"

Just then, Knuckles began to burn his rap CDs.

"Why- Grrr- I oughta-" Sonic decided to read the article.

Sonic "Faker" the "Faking" Hedgehog was accused of being a virgin by a reliable source yesterday. One would expect someone with as many undeserved fangirls as the faker to get laid at least once over the years.

When pressed for comment, Sonic compared these accusations to other claims that were obviously the truth, such as Shadow the Amazingly Awesome Hedgehog being the Ultimate Lifeform. The only possible conclusion is that Sonic the Hedgehog is g- continued on page 6. Written by Shadow the Hedgehog.

All of Sonic's veins began to throb. "Shadow!" he bellowed. "This is the most idiotic thing I've ever read! You're not qualified to be a journalist!"

"No, but anyone is allowed to submit essays on current events to the Station Square Daily!" smirked the black hedgehog.

"Also, I deserve every last one of my fangirls! Except Amy!" roared Sonic. "God knows what I did to deserve her!" He shot her a filthy look, which she mistook for a look of lust and promptly fainted at. Thankful, Sonic returned to the article. "Then there's the issue about me being a virgin! Amy is the least reliable source ever! Just because she wishes she could take my virginity doesn't mean she did or she could!"

Shadow was making toaster strudels. "Keep reading."

Knuckles passed by. "Dude, is that coffee in your cereal?"

Sonic kicked at Knuckles' privates and missed, instead kicking a bowling ball that had dropped out of the sky through the roof. Tails' latest machine began to fix it. "Don't distract me! Then, there's the issue of what I compared the claims to! Whether or not you are the Ultimate Lifeform remains to be seen, but Knuckles burning his rap CDs was a coincidence!"

"Actually, I did it just to prove you wrong," Knuckles said, extinguishing his burning CDs.

Sonic was enormously ticked off. Some friends he had! One sold a fake story to the newspaper, one was always chasing him around, one intentionally tried to prove him wrong, and one was fixing his roof! "Well," Sonic yelled, "how could you have written this newspaper that fast? I was holding this newspaper, then I made those claims, then I read about those claims in the newspaper!"

"Sonic, that's a constantly updating digital tabloid," said Tails. "I invented it ten minutes ago!" Sonic threw the machine at Tails, pleased to hear a thunk.

"Finally, those claims that I'm g-" began Sonic.

"Dude, read the rest of the article," said Knuckles, tossing him the machine.

Sonic was worried about Knuckles. He seemed like he was trying to be a hippy. His rap CDs were probably no such thing. What with all the "Dudes," plus the fact that he had recently taken to tie-dying his dreadlocks, led Sonic to believe that Knuckles was going 60s. But anyway, Sonic read the article on page 6.

-oing insane. Sonic has long been under suspicion for craziness, but only his close friends seemed to act on it until now.

"We tie him to a chair frequently," said Tails the Fox, Sonic's new housemate. "Yep, have to beat him with pillowcases loaded with sand all the time… it's sad, really."

Whether or not Sonic is insane, the blue faker will clearly have some explaining to do.

The newspaper device was thrown at Tails. "Tails!" bellowed Sonic. "How could you make such stupid claims? That was only once, and it was just so I could have some 'battle scars' to brag about to my date!"

"A date," Shadow commented snidely. "By any chance was that the last date as well as the first?"

"Um… yeah, well… but the fact remains, I refuse to allow you to live under my roof anymore, and that's final!" shouted Sonic.

Five hours later…

"The roof transplant is complete," said a construction worker. The roof of Shadow's room had just been switched for a dazzling balcony.

"Thank you," Shadow said, fishing out some money to pay.

"How'd you get all that money?" asked Sonic grudgingly.

"Selling stories to the press pays well," Shadow grinned. Sonic began to throttle the air with his hands.

"Well, what'll we do today?" asked Amy.

"I was thinking we could go bowling," Tails said. "I know a good place up in Station Square…"

They broke off. A submarine periscope had just popped out of the ground.

"Mwahahaha!" cackled Eggman's voice. "Finally, a vital clue!" The periscope exploded.

"Should we go or not, then?" asked Amy. "With Eggman onto us, it could be dangerous…"

"Hah! We can handle it!" Sonic boasted.

"If by that you mean, Shadow will handle it while Sonic cowers in fear," Shadow said snidely.

"Switch 'handle it' with 'screw it up' and 'cowers in fear' with 'save the day' and you have a deal," Sonic retorted. Shadow sneered.

This time Tails offered to drive, but nobody trusted to ride in his deathtrap of a vehicle. It looked like a bulldozer. Plus, he was only about 6. Amy decided to drive, and Sonic decided to take advantage of Amy's hotness (not that he would ever admit it) and the nice car to smirk at other guys in traffic. He didn't like Amy, but he knew that other people thought she was pretty, and he took advantage of that.

They finally pulled up to the bowling alley and went in. They began to get fitted for shoes. Sonic took off his huge shoes, as did everyone but Shadow. He put up a huge fuss at taking off his rocket sneakers and eventually had to be tranquilized.

Cleverly disguised as a bowling pin, Metal Sonic examined them. "They're here, Doctor!"

"Good," cackled Eggman. "My plan will soon be complete!"

Shadow finally woke up, and they went to get their bowling balls. Tails got a wimpy 6-pound ball. Amy got a 8-pounder, and Knuckles took a 18-pound. Sonic and Shadow began to show off, choosing the heaviest ball they could find. After Sonic held up a 56 ball for 0.0000000000001 seconds, they both chose 16-pounders and began to program the alley.

Metal Sonic flinched. Amy's bowling ball was flying right at him. He neatly dodged it by hopping away. Amy got all nine pins, except for Metal Sonic. She went for her second throw.

As the ball rolled at him, Metal Sonic dodged it a la the Matrix… even though the bowling ball would have hit his feet. Amy left with a 9.

Tails got a 6, getting a gutter ball once. They agreed to put up bumpers when Tails played.

Knuckles took his ball, putting a wicked spin on it. Metal Sonic didn't have time to avoid it. He got blown out of sight and put back up. Eggman cursed. The signal was getting weaker.

Finally it was Sonic's turn. The blue hedgehog got the ball and threw it. It was a great strike. Metal Sonic never had a chance.

Shadow was up last. He took a long run and threw… but his uncomfortable bowling shoes betrayed him. He went skidding down the greased runway with his ball. Sonic almost died laughing.

The ball went into the gutter. However, Shadow went flying down the alley, taking out eight. He had the second worst score. They took a short break, and Shadow began to get more comfortable with his shoes. To avoid Sonic's immense snobbishness, he went to the bathroom. There he secretly switched shoes, and nobody noticed even though it was very obvious that flames were coming out of the soles.

This pattern continued until the middle. Knuckles had taken a downward streak, ending up with 44. Tails had 42, Amy had 46, and Sonic and Shadow were tied with 48. It was a very close game.

During the break, Sonic decided he was hungry. "What do you want to eat?" he wondered.

"A Happy Meal!" Tails said stupidly. He eventually decided onion rings.

"Philly Cheese Steak burger," Knuckles grunted.

"Just a Coke," Amy said.

"Diced loser with a side of grilled fake!" screeched Shadow, still raw over his failure the first round.

Sonic decided on thirty crates of chilidogs and went to the snack bar. An immensely fat, bald, mustached person wearing sunglasses was sitting there, eating the snacks that he was supposed to sell.

Sonic gave him the order. "…and put some vinegar in that Coca Cola, will ya?"

"Sure," gulped Eggman, sweating. How could that idiot hedgehog not recognize him? Finally Sonic walked away, and Eggman exhaled.

It was getting toward the end of the game. The screen was smeared with blood, sweat and vinegar mixed with Coca Cola. Metal Sonic was now covered in dents. Tails had gotten frustrated and decided to play the arcade games. Amy had ended with 105, Knuckles had ended with 114, and Sonic had ended with 128. Shadow was still playing. He had 118.

Shadow threw the bowling ball. Suddenly a nuclear missile hit it and it exploded.

"I hate this freaking game!" screamed one of the bowling pins, turning into Metal Sonic. "I'll kill you! You'll die wondering who won the game!" He shot a spray of bullets. Everyone hid behind the score terminal. After a while Sonic came out, his hands up.

"Good," said Metal Sonic. "Now turn around slowly…"

Sonic did. Amy was hanging onto his back with one hand and holding a bunch of guns with the other. After sustaining so much damage, Metal Sonic fell into the ball return slot and came out compressed very tightly. Knuckles punched him out of the building.

They suddenly heard a whirring of gears. Tails had somehow built a robot out of all the arcade games and was clanking over. "Am I late?" he asked.

Suddenly, a bloodcurdling scream was heard. A group of disappointing game-playing kids had arrived, and none looked happy.

Then, something even worse happened. Eggman appeared, in an equally ridiculous weapon.

"Behold, the Egg Snack Counter!" he cried rapturously. Two enormous guns began to shoot packets of salt and pepper, while a selection of condiments to rival Sonic's was in the ammunition slots. The Snack Bar balanced on a giant pogo stick spring.

"That's pretty pathetic," commented Knuckles.

Eggman turned purple. "Shut up! See if you can handle this attack!" The whole machine began to flash and vibrate. Meanwhile, the kids drew closer…

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Ooh, cliffhanger! Review.