Sonic Insanity

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The Egg Snack Bar stomped forward. The children swarmed around them. The flaming spikes began to lower from the ceiling. The floor began to crack. A huge boulder began to roll at them.

And then Sonic woke up.

He had somehow fallen asleep on the bowling alley floor.

"You passed out, Fakey F. McFakington," snarled Shadow. Sonic got up. The Egg Snack Bar was coming toward them, as were the children.

"Wow, you passed out then woke up fast," said Amy.

Sonic began to formulate a plan. "OK, guys, here's the plan. Shadow, Tails, Knuckles and I will go into the staff room and watch TV. Amy will take down the children and the Egg Snack Bar. Agreed?"

"NO!" fumed Amy. "How about this? Tails, in his machine, takes down the Egg Snack Bar. Sonic and Shadow help him. Knuckles can take down the children. I'll watch out for security." She pulled out the Piko Piko hammer.

"Deal!" They would have shaken hands, but Knuckles would have made everyone bleed to death, Tails couldn't shake in his machine, Amy was holding the hammer, and Sonic refused to touch Amy or Shadow. They eventually just split up.

Tails' arcade game machine began to shoot little stream of dots all over the surface of the Egg Snack Bar, while shielding from sprays of ground burger. Eggman paused to laugh.

"Dots!" he shouted. "That's preposterous! What could you possibly… oh crap."

Six little Pac-Man guys came shooting out of Tails' machine, and they began to eat all the dots on the Egg Snack Bar, in the process eating away much of his defense.

"Why do you always make such pathetic machines?" called Tails. "That Egg Golem was the stupidest thing I ever saw! Who puts a giant do-damage-to-yourself button on your weapon's head? And maintenance platforms leading up to it?"

Eggman turned purple. "Shut up!" Three pairs of knives began to slice the Pac-Men off of him. Then they began to dice onions through the air onto Tails.

Now, ordinarily this would have sent Tails into a crying fit. But, there was glass screen protecting the fox. He laughed and began shooting quarters.

Eggman somehow managed to dodge each one of them. Then, a change machine fell on him. The Egg Snack Bar crumbled.

"Curses! I won't forget this!" he snarled as he always does, then ran off in search of Metal Sonic.

Meanwhile, Sonic, Shadow, and Knuckles were in the middle of fighting the kids. Sonic picked up a pimp by the legs and started to bat them away. This was ridiculous, particularly when the pimp turned into a guitar, but nobody complained. But the trio was outnumbered.

"Knuckles," burst out Sonic as they were tied to a stake, "I'm sorry I shot your CD player. Tails, old buddy, you were the best. Shadow, you're actually kind of cool." He closed his eyes, bracing himself. "Amy… well, you didn't deserve it…"

"Really?" she asked in wondered.

"Well, only that one time where I tried to boil you in oil," Sonic said. "That was a tad extreme. The rest I am unrepentant about." He addressed all assembled with his eyes closed. "I know you can't hear me, but Omega, I'm sorry I called you a blender with machine guns. Rouge, I'm sorry I wrote Hooters Girl all over your resume whenever you applied for a job. Cream, I'm sorry I kicked your two Chaos into traffic. Big, you're just stupid." He could hear angry voices, but he ignored them. "Espio, I should never have said your ninja stuff came from the Dollar Tree. It clearly came from the Dollar Store." Somewhere, far away, Espio began to swear angrily. "Vector, I'm sorry I duct taped your snout shut and switched your CDs with Knuckles'. Charmy, I'm sorry I glued your wings to a cinderblock and punched you in-"

"Sonic!" roared Shadow. "You idiot, can't you see you're not in any danger at all?"

Sonic opened his eyes. The children had all gone away. Tails had returned the arcade games.

"I take it all back," he began desperately. "Knuckles, your CD player is a piece of crap. Tails, your machines are pointless and redundant. Amy, I feel like dipping you in boiling oil 20 more-"

"That's kinky," said Shadow in disgust. "Too late, you're on record."

Sonic began to curse.

Far away, in a secret base, Eggman was planning his next scheme.

"The Egg Snack Bar was a disgrace!" he cried, making a digital blueprint for something that looked like an ostrich combined with a limousine. "Once this is done, the world will tremble under my footsteps!"

"It does that all the time, you're so fat," replied Metal Sonic. Eggman punched a dent in his chest. Metal Sonic repaired it.

"Nobody asked you!"

Back at Sonic's house, the gang was trying to figure out what else they should do for the day.

"First, we're going to evict Amy!" yelled Sonic. "If you must you can visit occasionally, but you will not sleep on my property or in my house!"

"Fine," she said, "but I can visit from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed!"

"No! Visiting hours are 10 AM to 4 PM only!" Sonic bellowed. "And no phone calls!"

"I demand at least eight!" Amy trilled.

"One!"

"Seven!"

"Two!"

"Six!"

"Three!"

"Nine!"

"You're going the wrong way," Tails remarked.

"Fine, seven… a week!" Sonic called.

"Deal," Amy grumbled angrily. She packed up her bags and left, seeing as it was about 6 PM.

"Let's eat dinner," said Tails. "Who knows how to cook?"

Everyone looked around. Amy was the best cook among them, and she had left. Knuckles ate raw fish that he caught with his bare hands on Angel Island, Shadow ate processed nutrients for most of his life, and Sonic was accustomed to frozen, canned or micro waved dishes. Tails seemed to be the only one who had any knowledge on the subject.

"Fine… Shadow, get the cookbook."

Three minutes later, Sonic had gotten out a bunch of cooking ingredients, Shadow had lugged in an encyclopedia-sized cookbook titled The Joy of Squinting at Fine Print for Four Hours to Make Something That Looks Pathetic Compared to the Mouth-Watering Color Pictures, and Knuckles had sat on his narrow behind.

"Sonic, what is this?" asked Tails in disgust, looking at the cooking ingredients. "Dijon mustard… cream cheese… raspberry jam… maple syrup… margarine… you can't cook with these!"

"See if you can find a recipe," smirked Sonic.

The first page Tails opened to contained a recipe titled Condiment Soup. The picture next to it actually looked pretty good. Tails steamed.

"What are the ingredients?" Knuckles asked.

"Hmm… a little bit of everything we have," read Tails.

"That's seriously what it says?" asked Shadow. "All of our ingredients?"

"No, it says the words 'a little bit of everything we have,'" Tails reported.

Sonic shrugged and began scooping pickle relish, butterscotch, whipped cream and ketchup into a bowl.

"What do you do to prepare it?" asked Shadow, piling on chocolate sauce.

"Stir it up, nuke it for ten seconds, and serve," Tails recited, taking Thousand Island dressing and spraying it in.

They paused to survey their concoction. "It doesn't look like it'll be enough," Knuckles said doubtfully.

"Well," said Tails, "I have a plan…"

Five minutes later…

"And that's my plan!"

"Well, what's your plan?" asked Sonic angrily. "You just waited five minutes and said, 'And that's my plan!' What kind of plan is that?"

An embarrassed Tails retold his plan.

"This is ridiculous," said Sonic, digging out the filling to an Almond Joy and mashing Tootsie Rolls in his hands. "This garbage won't be good enough to eat!"

"Well, you should have thought about that before cleaning out the condiments aisle of the grocery store!" fumed Shadow.

Sonic, incensed, picked up a handful of the goo and flung it at the Ultimate Lifeform. Shadow was hit in the face and knocked backwards.

"Oh, great, not the obligatory food fight joke," Tails said, before a misaimed pile of sludge hit him in the face. Knuckles also got spattered. A food fight began.

Everyone took cover. Knuckles hid behind the open fridge door. Shadow hid behind the massive cookbook. Tails concealed himself behind the table. Sonic crouched behind a fork. Whirling piles of slush flew through the air, hitting the wall with sounds of shattering glass and explosions, even though there was no glass and no exploding.

Sonic pulled a baseball bat out of nowhere and hit a pile of the condiment soup. The bat broke, and the pile of sludge knocked Shadow off of his feet. He went tumbling head over heels, landing in a bag of flour that shot a mushroom cloud that temporarily looked like the Mona Lisa.

Finally they had run out of food.

"Great work, faker, you wasted all our food!" spat Shadow as they washed themselves off.

Sonic took a taste of the gunk. His face crumpled. "This is nasty!" he bellowed.

"Well, should we go out to eat?" asked Tails.

"No…" And then, Sonic pointed to the bag of flour, which was next to all the ingredients to make enough breaded chicken to feed a country.

"D'oh!"

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To the tune of 'How We Do' by the Game and 50 Cent. Please leave a review.