Sonic Insanity

Review! Thanks to all who did.

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Dinner was very silent. Well, it should have been, as everyone there was a mime.

In actually related news, dinner at Sonic's house was fairly talkative. Everyone was stuffing their face with breaded chicken.

"This food sucks," Shadow complained. "It tastes like liquefied faker."

"I didn't know you'd resorted to cannibalism," replied Sonic, digging into his with the energy of a man possessed.

Tails hit the table. "That does it! Sonic and Shadow, I'm tired of you bickering and arguing! I'm surprised anything gets accomplished without me!"

"Well, usually the Ultimate Bag of Elephant Dung isn't here," hissed Sonic.

"That's exactly what I mean! Sonic, don't you have any education at all?"

"Not really," replied Sonic. "I left school at the age of fifth grade."

"That's not an age, faker," Shadow said as the flashback line girls began to dance. The flashback began.

Sonic's teacher, a bored-looking Ben Stein type guy, was teaching the class basic geography. Everyone looked stupefied, especially Sonic. He was doodling all over the back of Knuckles' dreadlocks.

"New York shares a border with Pennsylvania, the United States shares a border with Canada-"

Sonic suddenly jumped up, the black marker flying. "That is not true! Florida is part of the United States, and it doesn't share a border with Canada! Oh! BURN!" He lifted his elbow as high as it would go, grabbed it with his other hand, and spat. The other students applauded.

"What I meant by that," the teacher growled, "was that part of the count-"

"Don't give me that!" Sonic leaped onto his desk and began a rousing speech. "Mr. Johnson, when I came to this school, my observational skills were at zero. I needed to raise them, so I came here. But in your attempt to raise them you honed them so finely that I was able to detect… your conspiracy!" Girls swooned. Guys cheered. Knuckles tried to wash his dreadlocks.

"Young man, cease your raving immediately!" ordered Mr. Johnson.

"Oh?" sneered Sonic. "Where do you come from, Mister?"

"That's Mr. Johnson to you, and I come from Vancouver."

"AHA!" Sonic roared, lifting his arm into the air. "You communist Canadian! You're just trying to confuse the youngest generation, so that once we run the country we'll be unprepared for your attack on our country! But I saw through it!" Girls blew kisses. Guys slapped his hands. Knuckles began to cut his dreadlocks.

Sonic fell to his knees on the desk and spoke in a deep, throaty, guttural voice. "When my children were blinded and did not know the way… I provided the light!" Everyone cheered, except for Knuckles, who was using pruning shears. "When my children were deafened by the noise, I sang a hymn of guidance! When my children could not speak for fear of persecution… I SPOKE THEIR WORDS!" Sonic bowed his head and wept. "And when my children had no more tears to cry, and could not bear the tasks before them… I took their burdens."

Mr. Johnson was speechless. Sonic picked up a pimp, which turned into a guitar, and began to play.

"Most of the United States shares / no border with Canada! We're the promise of the future / yet you feed us LIES from the tablecloth! Lalalalalalalala!" Sonic sang. There was no doubt about it, he was singing BYOB by System of a Down. Yes, I am probably obsessed with that song.

"Everybody's going to the schoolhouse have a real good time!" Sonic sang. "Learning borders wrong will lead to doom, all in good time!"

The flashback ended. Knuckles looked angry. Sonic looked proud. Tails looked confused. And Shadow looked furious.

"You conspiracy-theorizing IDIOT!" he exploded. "How could you possibly think that?"

"I was young," Sonic sniffed. "Plus I never paid attention in class, I just drew on people's heads." Knuckles began to bash his fists together.

"Why don't we look at my new invention," Tails suggested.

"No!" screamed Sonic. "I don't want to see your inventions! I just want you," he yelled at Shadow, "out of my house!"

Shadow threw a tampon at him. "Cry me a river."

Sonic dashed away, thinking. How could he get that annoying faker out of his house?

He decided to e-mail Tails.

Thesonicone: Tails?

Inventorman: Yeah?

Thesonicone: Sorry I yelled at you. What's your invention?

Inventorman: I invented a device that can turn bags full of goats into kegs of dynamite.

Thesonicone: Man, I wish Shadow would stop being such a dick.

Inventorman: I agree.

Inventorman: Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we just swing a wrecking ball through his room?

Thesonicone: That sounds good. Where would we get the wrecking ball?

Ultimatelifeform: I've got one right here.

Sonic barely had time to look up from his computer when an enormous wrecking ball could be seen out the window.

Ultimatelifeform: Sayonara in 10…

Ultimatelifeform: 9…

Thesonicone: Shadow you fool, you can't destroy my room!

Ultimatelifeform: 8… Why not?

Thesonicone: Because I'm the only one here with any money! You'd all have to get jobs!

Ultimatelifeform: 7… That wouldn't be too hard. We could rob your bank account.

Inventorman: Don't give us that crap, Shadow. You wouldn't do that.

Sonic signed off and snuck over to Shadow's room. He saw the hedgehog typing. Then he pressed a large button.

The wrecking ball destroyed Sonic's house.

Then, Sonic woke up.

"Phew…" he gasped. "Eating all those chicken wings must have been more harmful than I thought…" Then the alarm went off. Sonic torched it with a flamethrower and threw it into Shadow's room. There was a sound of zapping light, then it reappeared in Sonic's room. Sonic threw it back.

A thick vein pulsed in Shadow's forehead. "Chaos Control!" It vanished and reappeared. Glaring angrily, Shadow decided to try to put it in Knuckles' room. He tossed it in front of the doorway. A huge blast of energy hit it. Knuckles did not appear to be a morning person.

They all ate breakfast, wondering what they should do.

"I know!" said Knuckles. "Why don't we go scope out some chicks?"

Sonic shot a meaningful glance toward Tails.

"I mean, um, why don't we attempt to make the acquaintance of several ladies?" inquired Knuckles innocently.

"Good idea," said Shadow. "Tails, you can stay here."

Before he could object, they had left. Tails let out a lonely sigh and went to work on his inventions.

The group of them decided to go to the park. Knuckles saw someone he thought might work out.

He walked over to her. "Hey, baby, where you going?"

Tikal glared at him. "Knuckles, I thought you knew I got a makeover!"

Knuckles was speechless. "Um, sorry, I didn't realize…"

He was soon lying facedown in the dirt.

"How could you let the Master Emerald go?" roared Tikal before disappearing.

Sonic keeled over laughing.

Suddenly Shadow saw a nice looking girl. He moved over to talk to her.

"Hey," he said suavely. "How about walking with me?"

She gave him a patronizing smile. "Sorry, I'm seeing someone else here."

Sonic attempted to talk to two more ladies, who he discovered were a couple. Over the course of fifteen minutes, all twenty ladies they talked to were going to meet some other guy.

"All right, who is this player?" asked Sonic in frustration. "Better not be any one I know, or… TAILS!"

Indeed, the fox was wearing a long coat, shades, and a hat, and covered by tons of ladies. "Now line up and touch your toes, ladies, and the judging committee will decide…" He pointed at himself. "I'm the judging commit- oh, hi Sonic!"

"Oh, hi?" stormed Sonic. "You little demon! You can't just go out and be a pimp whenever you feel like it! These ladies must be ten years older than you!"

"You can't just leave me at home, " Tails protested. "I can't just amuse myself with my machines all the time, Sonic!"

"He has a point," Knuckles said. Sonic kicked him in the mouth, but they all stopped moving as one of the ladies said, in Eggman's voice, "Curses!"

The lady looked around. "Those imbeciles ALWAYS get all the girls! Well, I'll have my revenge!" Then the lady exploded.

Shadow blinked.

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