Sonic Insanity

Due to overwhelming support, particularly from Rage Aomori, I have posted another chapter!

Review, please. I know it gets repetitive, but…

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Knuckles was sitting at home, pouting. "This is terrible! My fur is singed and disgusting! How am I supposed to go out in public like this?"

Moodily, he flopped onto the couch and began to watch TV. He went onto the only channel that had less than 5 minutes of commercials left and relaxed. "Hey, Colic the Attention Hog!"

Sonic the Hedgehog blazed up the stairs. "I know you didn't say that…"

"Yeah, sure, get me some popcorn," Knuckles said.

Sonic's eyes went red. "First you ruin all our dates with your acting like a pimp, you get charred ash all over my couch, and now you demand popcorn? You're just sitting there like, well, like a person demanding popcorn, demanding popcorn in spite of all I've already tolerated from-"

Knuckles, getting bored, riffled through a stack of DVDs and began to wing them at Sonic. The blue hedgehog dodged flying discs as if he was born to do so… maybe he was. The flashback intro came in…

Sonic staggered into the temple, running to a meditating priest. "Oh wise man, I have journeyed up the mountain… now will you answer my three questions?"

"Yes, young one," said the wise man, his eyes closed. Candlelight flickered all around them.

"Why am I here on Earth?"

"To save the world," said the wise man.

"Who will I marry?"

"Not Eggman," said the wise man.

"I should hope so," growled Sonic, a vein pulsing in his forehead at the thought. "But oh wise man, what is my destiny?"

"Sonic," said the old man, "you were born with a purpose. But that purpose is not to save the world, or conquer Eggman, or make headlines whenever you so much as blow your nose… One day, a burnt, unwelcome houseguest will take advantage of your enormous DVD collection and throw DVDs at you. It is your fate to dodge them. It cannot be avoided." The wise man fell silent. Sonic raised an eyebrow. The flashback ended.

Sonic realized he was fulfilling his destiny right that moment as he bent backward like Neo in The Matrix to dodge a copy of Big Daddy. "My life has no more meaning… for I have accomplished my purpose!" A copy of Team America: World Police hit him in the face, hitting the floor and shattering into thousands of pieces somehow or other. Sonic's head snapped back and he flew backward, flipping over about ten times before slamming through a piano, out a wall, and to the ground below. "All right- ouch! Whoever started the- oof- elephant stampede out here- ARRRRGH- is gonna get it- EEEEE-"

Knuckles smiled. He always did have a way with elephants. He picked the DVDs up off the floor and continued watching TV.

"Say," the TV said, "are you unsatisfied with the condition of your fur? Refer to Deluxe Makeover Salon to restore your skin to its greatest condition! With tanning beds, leeches and non-toxic dying materials, your fur can be looking better than ever! Call us to set up an appointment, or arrange one in person at our offices in Station Square!"

Knuckles was intrigued. "Hmm… this could be just what I need. Sonic won't moan and complain like a newborn naked mole rat if I get a nice makeover! Oh, wait, he always does that." He took out Sonic's high school diploma and started writing the makeover information on the back. "OK… just gotta find something to drive now. The author forgot whether or not the pimped-out car blew up or something." He trundled out to the back, whistling a merry tune.

"KNUCKLES!" screamed Sonic at a pitch that could be used on a radar frequency. "I had to fight off a herd of wild elephants, and all because of you!"

"Those elephants were not wild," said Knuckles, opening the door to the garage. "I trained them extensively."

Sonic became so unearthly angry that he turned Super Saiyan… wait, Super Sonic. Yeah, so he turned Super Sonic. He began to glow yellow, glaring at Knuckles.

The echidna hesitated only a beat before disappearing into the garage. "Well, Sonic, that's a pretty impressive display of utter ridiculousness. But it doesn't rival the sheer ludicrous factor of…" He stepped out of the garage and snapped his fingers, creating a flash of light. When the light cleared, it showed Knuckles with about 118 bazookas tied to his arms. "The Shoot-Thingy 8000!"

Sonic's jaw dropped so fast that it became embedded in the ground. "HOLY SH- how in- HOW did you get those? How do they even fire?"

Knuckles grinned. "I have a mental link to them! I can arrange their molecular structure at any level!" About half of the guns began to shift and change, forming what looked like an assault walker. "Prepare to die… Sonic the Hedgehog!"

With that, Knuckles began firing more bullets than seen in all three Matrix movies. Sonic stood, struggling to maintain his shield. The bullets all bounced off. Panting, Sonic fell unconscious through this effort, his fur returning to blue.

Knuckles started to change almost all of the guns into some sort of car. When he was done, he still had about 4 rifles mounted on the front. "Hehehe! It's like Grand Theft Auto, in reverse!"

"How is that in reverse?" asked Tails, stomping out as Knuckles zoomed off. "And where did all my guns go?"

Sonic woke up. "Oooh… that little FOOL! He'll get it!" Sonic took a step forward… and tripped and fell into hell.

"Agh!" he shouted, thrashing in fiery torment.

"Not to worry," said Hades, a bad-looking mofo with a bare chest, black pants, and an enormously long tail. "This ain't any hell, kid… it's hell on wheels!" Somehow, the big flaming cavern rose out of the ground, reincarnated into an object about the size of a bus, and drove off after Knuckles.

"You know, this ain't that bad," Sonic said, snatching some champagne off a floating tray. "Pretty hot crib you got here, Satan."

"Pun not intended?" asked Hades. "And the name's Hades, by the way. Get in the front of the car, we gon' catch that fool." Hades teleported into a burst of embers to the front of the car, and Sonic followed. He pressed on the gas, and the hell on wheels went zooming down the street, knocking cars over in its path. Knuckles looked behind him. He could see Sonic. The echidna's eyes bulged in rage. "No! I must get to the makeover place! Hades can't tolerate elevator music!" How exactly Knuckles got this perception was not clear, as Hades, being an almighty being, probably had a better chance of surviving elevator music than anyone else. "I must drive!" Knuckles drove the car off a bridge, somehow staying in midair for about ten minutes until he finally landed on the other side, seven miles away. "Heh! That devil will never catch me!"

Hades appeared on the street before him and kicked the front of the car. It got pushed in so far that the engine was sticking past Knuckles' ear. Knuckles got out and began to have a fight with the devil himself. Sonic dropped in as well.

"Why are you chasing me?" spat Knuckles. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Didn't do anything wrong?" bellowed Sonic, his voice so loud that nearby earthquake sensors shot up into the 3.5 area on the Richter scale. "You barge into my house with no warning, you force me into some sort of chicken summoning, you don't even bother to look for the Master Emerald after that so I might not have to deal with your presence, you crash my date as a pimp, you get burn marks on my couch, you permanently ruin half my DVDs, you manage to get me mauled by elephants, you scribble all over my high school diploma, you shoot thousands of bullets at me, you taunt me endlessly, land me in hell somehow, and you ask me why you're chasing me?" Sonic's voice was now hoarse from anger and force of yelling.

Knuckles was unfazed. "Well, how about you, Devil? Why are you chasing me?"

"Um… Sonic landed in my home?" asked Hades meekly. Knuckles rolled his eyes and kicked the hell on wheels off the end of the bridge. Hades and the hell on wheels went shrieking to their… well, not deaths, but whatever.

"Sonic, the reason I'm driving out here is to get my ashy fur made over!" Knuckles hollered. "So your precious couch won't get black grit in the lining or whatever! I'm sorry I barged in, I'm sorry I haven't looked for the emerald, I'm sorry I tried to fulfill your destiny! I would never try to hurt you! The elephants… the bullets… just so I could help you! The pimp thing was a mistake, I admit… I don't taunt you that much, and you landed yourself in hell! I'm sorry, Sonic!" Knuckles groveled.

"Why, Knuckles," said Sonic, his eyes glimmering, "I had no idea… I made so many mistakes! Can you forgive me, too? I fell so bad about all the accusations I made…"

"Really?"

"NO!" Sonic roared, kicking Knuckles on the chin so hard that he flew into a dumpster. "You just want me to let you live in my house! In fact, you probably want me to pay for your stupid makeover too!"

"Nah, that's what your credit card is for," Knuckles said, flashing Sonic's credit card and jumping onto a wall where Sonic couldn't get him. He then began to run for the hair salon. Sonic screamed with fury, attempting to run up the wall to reach Knuckles.

The echidna dived into the salon. "Hello, I made an appointment the other day, I'm here for my makeover."

"Of course… what did you say your name was?" asked the bored receptionist.

"I didn't say what my name was."

"All right, what's your name?" she asked.

He read her appointment's book upside down. "Um… Jesse the Dog."

"You don't look like a dog," she said, her hand drifting toward the security pager.

"I know, I don't want to look like one," he said. "I'll need another makeover, just to be perfect."

He knew she thought he was a nutcase, but who cares. "Down the hall, first door on your left."

Sonic, meanwhile, was having trouble scaling the wall. How would he do it? He grabbed some pickaxes and tried to climb. He fell. He grabbed some suction cups. These worked a little better. He peered in the window where Knuckles was getting the makeover. By now, Knuckles' fur was almost completely back to normal.

Rouge the Bat grinned behind her surgical mask. She would get her Knuckles back to his pimp status no matter what! Using lasers, she inscribed a fanciful tattoo along the crescent on his chest and made his eyes more narrow and cool. His fur was still somewhat smoky, and it gave the fur an interesting look. Finally, she put a gold coating on one tooth. If he didn't like it, he could take it off… using Tabasco sauce.

Sonic, seeing this, burst into the room, removing the window pane, jumping in, and then replacing it. "Rouge, I have business to settle with that moron. Step aside."

"No!" she cried. Sonic stepped at her, looking very annoyed.

"Get out the way!"

"No!"

"Move!"

"No!"

Sonic kicked the operating table. Knuckles went sliding off, landing on Rouge and taking them both out. Sonic picked up Knuckles and threw him out the window, jumping after him and trying to punch him.

"Face it, Sonic, you're just gonna have to live with it!" Knuckles said. "I guess I'm sorry, but can't you just let it go?"

"NO!" bellowed Sonic, plummeting to the ground with Knuckles.

They landed right in a large net.

"Police! Get down on the ground!"

Knuckles groaned. Sonic hissed. Amy sobbed.

"Oh, Napoleon!" she sobbed, watching Napoleon Dynamite. "How long must you go without love?"

"Ever take it off any sweet jumps?" Napoleon asked Pedro. She burst into tears.

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Anyway, review.