Without you I grow weaker
"Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I cant fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time."
Lady Antebellum - Need you now
Chapter 2: There is no getting over you
Tommy was thinking about a vacation since they broke up. Just having some free days on a beach. Maybe meet someone just for fun. First of all he wanted to get time to think about himself and what a chaos his life had become. But he didn't have time for vacation until the album was finished. Adam had some promotion stuff to do and Tommy and the other band members were finished for now. They wanted to go back together in about two months to prepare the tour.
So Tommy is planning a vacation the day after he walked out of the recording studio. He was searching on internet for a good place to go. He knew he would need a place where it was warm and where he could be lazy but also able to have some adventures. So after checking about a million different pages he found the place he wanted to go to: Trinidad, near Maracas Bay. He loves the pictures of Trinidad. It seems to be a place where there won't be crowds of people. He needs some personal space. He finds a hotel and gets on the plane a few days later. He wants to stay there for 2 weeks. Just to find himself again. He hopes he will be able to do that.
He doesn't say goodbye to Adam before he is leaving, because he said goodbye as he left the studio. So Adam knows he will be on holidays and he knows that Tommy will be back to make the tour. And Tommy doesn't even know where Adam is. So he twitters to the world:
I am officially on holiday and out of here right now!
He doesn't know if he wants to tweet from holidays. Maybe an internet break is a good idea.
Tommy is amazed when he steps out of the plane. The country is beautiful and he can't wait to see the beach. He is not really into being in sunshine, but the beach here is just amazing and the water is soooo blue. He just can't stay away. After getting the room keys he rushes to his room and is still amazed. He has a beautiful view to the sea and for almost one hour he is just sitting on his balcony and watching. And out of nowhere he is wishing Adam could see it. And before he can think about it he snaps a pic and sends it to Adam. "That's how my view will be for the next two weeks." After a few minutes he gets a message back: "Enjoy yourself!" He smiles and leans back in the deck chair.
After some resting he decides to discover his hotel and the neighbourhood. He enjoys the feeling of being out of schedule. He finds some information papers about the sightseeing here. He will read it later in the evening and maybe plan something he could do in a few days. The hotel pool is beautiful and he finds also some hidden corners in the garden. And finally he is sitting in the pool bar, sipping on some fruity coctail, just because he is on vacation. And he is enjoying himself.
On the third day in Trinidad Tommy is able to give in to the thinking-about-me-plan. He lets his thoughts go back to the time before he met Adam. He had a really shitty job and a dream. A dream of music, of writing, of being someone. With Adam this dream came true and his life changed in a rapid speed from normal to over the top. And there was Adam, making things so easy and so real. When he met Adam they had this connection and shortly they become good friends. The time they had together as friends was just crazy. They were on tour all over the world. Tommy was living his dream and his best friend was on his side. And he met new friends. People who will be there for life.
Somewhere on the tour he and Adam become more. Maybe it happend when his father got sick, maybye after he died. It was a hard time for Tommy and Adam was always there. Without being asked and without any expectations. He was just there. On one of these nights full of talking and cuddling Tommy fell in love with Adam. After fighting against it and pretending just being friends they got finally together.
Tommy sighs. He is sitting on his balcony, watching over the sea and thinking about the first months with Adam. Adam was his first boyfriend, maybe even the first person he really was in love with. He really IS in love with, to be honest. And Adam was amazing. He was patient when it was needfull, but also strong and demanding when Tommy was too hesitant. Always the perfect mix. And Tommy was falling deeper and deeper. They managed it to be together the first months without having the public eye on them. There were just a few pictures of them in papers. And after six month Tommy gave up his own place and they moved together. And everything seemed to be good until Tommy lost his mind and ran away.
And he really doesn't know when or why it happened. He felt really lost. There was suddenly so much around them. Every day new people, new places, new pics, new rumours. And Tommy was not able to handle all the pressure. Everything was new. Not only was he in a serious relationship for the first time since ages. This relationship was the one which forced him to come out and admit that he was in love with a man. And on the top of everything the man he loved was a famous one. Tommy was under media control before they were a couple. But after they become a couple it felt like it would be different. Out of nowhere Tommy felt like there was no place where they could go without being seen. Like there were always cameras in his face and people yelling Adams name.
Tommy is not somebody who wants attantion every minute of the day. He needs his own space, time to be on his own. Being stalked the whole day tired him out. But it was not Adams fault. It was the buisness. It brought the madness in his life.
He can see now that all the fears he had were crazy. Adam was always there for him. He protected him as much as he could. He was never talking about details from their life. He didn't push Tommy to any confessions or anything else. He was always caring. Tommy can see it now and he understands. But he didn't see it a half year ago. He panicked and ran away throwing all the bullshit on Adam. He broke Adams heart for nothing at all. And he broke his own heart as well.
Because everything what he felt was not really there. Everything that made him run away didn't exist. It was not real. It was just his stupid imagination and his stupid fears. He realizes now that he was searching for a reason to dump Adam. To hurt him so he would give up trying to keep Tommy. But it didn't work out. Adam wanted to stay with Tommy and he would have never broken up. So Tommy had to do it by himself. And he did. And he is now realizing that this might have been the biggest mistake in his life. No, he knows now, that WAS the biggest mistake! And he wants to turn back the hands of time. Change his own words, his own decisions. Get Adam back.
Finally he is ready to admit that he was running away from the relationship. He got scared because it was so real and so close. And Adam was everything for him. Yes, he felt lost. But it was because he changed. The former Tommy doesn't exist anymore. That's what people do when they are in a serious relationship: they grow together and they change. They become together something better and stronger. Of course it is scary to give up a part of you. And you can get hurt, but in the end it's the best thing that can happen to you. Tommy has found the one person who was made for him. He knows now that he won't be happy without Adam. He also knows there is no getting back to who he was before he met Adam. This person doesn't exist anymore.
Yes, he wants Adam back.
And he hopes it's not to late.
After a few days he met a couple. Tracy and Rick are about his age. They start to talk on one evening when Tommy is sitting at the bar. He was so deep buried in his thoughts of Adam, that he didn't see them first when they sit down next to him. But then Tracy starts to laugh and there is something in this laugh that reminds him of Adam. And he looks up. And somehow after a few drinks they sit together on a small table in the corner. Tracy and Rick are so sweet together. Tommys heart is aching because that's how he and Adam used to be. After a while of smalltalk they plan to make a tour together just over the island. They want to get a jeep in the next days. Tommy is happy to get some distraction for the next days. He will go back home in 3 days. It will be a nice thing to do to finish this vacation.
So he finds himself two days later sitting in the back of an open jeep, driving over the landside. And everything is so beautiful around him. They stop several times to enjoy the view. They see so many colours, Tommy can't get enough of it. And he takes pics to show the paradise to Adam. And once again he is thinking about how stupid he was and how that could be a vacation they could have enjoyed together. But because of his fears he is alone. And maybe there is no turning back. And he is sighing while he is watching over the green fields. Tracy hears that. And she walks over to him. „Are you ok?". Tommy looks up at her. „Huh?" She smiles. „Is something wrong with you?" Tommy doesn't want to talk about it with her. "I am ok. Just some things crossed my mind. Never mind." Tracy keeps her eyes on him. "Hey, you are here in paradise, no need to be sad. Come on, there are some more things to see." With that she walks back to the jeep. He smiles. She is right. He can't change anything now, he will have to wait until he is back home.
Tommy is not sure what he wants to do once he will get back home. A part of him just wants to see Adam and tell him everything. Make him come back, make him take Tommy back. But a huge part of him is sure, he is too late. Didn't Adam mention that he met somebody? Why should he even wait for Tommy? They didn't speak about the real reasons for their breakup. Tommy never gave Adam a chance to understand him. He sighs again while he gets back in the jeep.
After a short ride over the island they get to a ravine, where they want to tramp. There is a waterfall on the end of it. Tommy is not sure he has the right shoes for doing it, but he really wants to see the waterfall. They get out of the car and start walking towards the ravine. At the entrance Tommy looks up. The walls of the ravine are high and there is only a small space to walk through. Just enough for two people to walk side by side. But he can also see that after a few meters it becomes wider. They are getting deeper and depper in and after 10 minutes it opens up to a wide and bright plain. They look around and Tommy enjoys the feeling of fresh air.
To get to the waterfall they need to take a path to get up on the hill in front of them. The path is really narrow. But there is a rope they can use to get some hold. Tommy lets out a deep breath, because he hates hights. He is not sure, he can manage to climb on that hill. But he wants to try.
Slowly they start to climb up. Tommy is very careful, because the stones under his feet are slippery. His heart starts hammering in his chest when he looks over his shoulder just to see how high they already got. He really doesn't like to be that high. Maybe he should turn around and go back? He looks on the path in front of him just to see that Tracy and Rick are climbing further up. He breathes in and out to calm down. But seeing that the hill is higher then he first thought and seeing how far up he'd have to climb makes him feel sick.
He can't see Tracy and Rick anymore. But he wants to go back. He tries to turn around and then he slips over the stones under his feets and is trying desperately to find a hold. He catches the rope with his hands, but he can't stop himself from falling. And it's like he would watch himself falling. Everything is in slow motion. Suddenly he sees himself hanging over the cliff, the only thing providing him from falling down is the rope. He tries to get back on the path and sees Tracy and Rick coming back to see after him. They try to get to him climbing down the path as fast as they can. He is trying to get his hand on something to pull himself up. Now he is really afraid and he starts to fight. And the panic is taking over when he sees how the rope is breaking away and he is falling a few meters down the hill. Now he is hanging under the path and there is no possibility to get back. Only the rope is holding him.
His arms are getting tired and he is trying to get some hold under his feet, but there is nothing to get his feet on. The more he tries, the more the rope is breaking. The ground of the valley is looking up at him. And it's too high to just let go and hope to stay safe. He can't hear anything but his own blood speeding through his body. His heartbeat is fast, he could pass out just from this. But he is still hanging on the breaking rope. He is trying to find something else to hold to. But there is nothing. Then his arms are finally giving in and he lets go of the rope, and the only thing he can see is Adams face in front of him. And he is trying to reach out for Adams hand right before he hits the ground.
Then there is only darkness and pain around him.