Without you I grow weaker
Since you've been gone
I shut my eyes
and I fantasize
that you're here with me
Will you ever return
I won't be satisfied
till you're by my side
don't wait any longer
Why don't you come back please hurry
why don't you come back please hurry
Come back and stay for good this time
come back and stay for good this time
Paul Young, Come back and stay
Chapter 3: I don't wanna be just your friend
Adam is on his way to a date. He finally decided to give in and to meet that guy he got to know on a party. He is a friend of a friend of Brad or Danielle or whoever. He seems to be nice. He is not Tommy, but Adam needs to start dating again. He is about to leave his house when his mobile cell goes off. First he doesn't want to take the call but when he looks on the display he stops in his tracks. "Hey Dia!" He haven't talked to Tommys mother since months. Since he and Tommy visited her. Before Tommy left him. Before everything went wrong. „Hello Adam!" The sound in her voice makes him shiver. He goes back to his living room. „Is something with Tommy?" His voice is suddenly like a rasp. „Adam, I don't know. He wanted to get back from his holidays two days ago. And he is not back. And he doesn't answer his phone. Did you hear anything?" Her voice is full of worry. He wants to comfort her. „I am sure he is alright. He is sleeping in or something. Maybe he wanted to stay a bit longer?" His own mind is spinning now. He can hear that she is crying. "No, Adam. I can feel that something happend. And I don't know where he is." And he can feel it too. Something is wrong.
Adam sits down and drives his hand over his hair. "Dia, I will take care of this. I will call you back when I get to know something. Calm down. Everything will be ok." And she agrees and Adam quits the call. He is scared now. Something happend to Tommy. And it's for sure something bad. He tries to calm down to be able to think about whom he can call. Because he doesn't really know where Tommy went for his vacation. For a second he starts to feel bad about that. Then he shakes his head and calls Isaac. Tommy is living with Isaac since a couple of weeks. He has to know. Isaac tells Adam to come over to look in Tommys room to find the adress.
Now Adam is on the edge of a panic attack, because Tommy really didn't get back from the vacation. He is so lost in his thoughts, he doesn't even think about the date he wanted to go to. Isaac remainds him of the date when he gets to his place. "You wanted to go out tonight, didn't you?" First Adam is confused. But then he remembers. „Fuck! I have a date. I mean I wanted to meet this guy… I have to call him…" In his head is everything going round. He doesn't even remember the name of this guy. All he can think about is Tommy. He starts to read through his phone. And yes, there he is: Craig. He is tempted to just text, but then he decides to call Craig. Craig is sad. And somehow Adam knows they won't meet again. But it doesn't matter.
Isaac started to look around in Tommys room. Adam tries to calm down before he gets in the room. It's kind of hard, because he can smell Tommy in the room. It's hard to breathe. Isaac is looking over the papers on Tommys table, but there is nothing. They decide to turn Tommys computer on. He booked the hotel via internet. Adam tries not to look around in the room. He wasn't there until yet. And it hurts, because there seems to be nothing about their past. Not one picture. Like they never were an issue for Tommy. He bites the sadness away.
But then the computer turns on and he can see his own face as background. It's a pic Tommy took when they were on a trip together last year in Miami. Adam is smiling on the pic, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. And he looks so happy. Isaac tries to ignore the effect the picture is having on Adam and just goes through Tommys email account. He tries not to spy too much and he is lucky to find what he is looking for after watching a few mails. They print the adres and the phone numer out and Adam is already dailing.
The hotel manager is happy to speak with someone who knows Tommy. He can't say what actually is with Tommy. He just informs Adam that Tommy had an accident and that he is in a hospital. But he doesn't know how he is doing. He asks if someone will come to get Tommys stuff. And Adam promises to take care of it. He gets the number of the hospital and quits the call.
Isaac is looking at him. Adam is pale and his legs are shaking. "What happened?" Adam has to sit down. „He had an accident." Isaac is shocked. „What? How is he doing?" Adam feels tears burning in his eyes. "I don't know. I just... I have to call the hospital. Fuck! Why did this happen?" Now he is crying. Isaac sits beside him and hugs him. "He will be ok. I am sure he will be. Should I call the hospital?" Adam gives him the number and nods. He is not able to talk to anybody now.
Isaac is already dailing. Adam is rocking back and forward on the bed, not able to stop his body from shaking. He is watching Issac, but he can't hear anything he says. He is just thinking about the last time he saw Tommy. It was at the studio before he left for holidays. And Adam remembers how sad he was, how much his heart was longing for taking Tommy in his arms. Just to have him back. And he wanted so badly to talk to Tommy about them. But he was too afraid to do, because they wanted to be friends. And he had to forget about them as a couple. He had to get over the love he felt for Tommy.
He is pulled out of his thoughts when Isaac is back on his side. "What did they say? Is he ok?" Isaac shakes his head. „No, he is not ok. He is comatose. They didn't tell me details over the phone. But it seems to be serious." They hug each other tight and cry together.
Adam is able to calm down and to make some calls to arrange a flight for Dia to get to Tommy. He talks with some doctors in the hospital to find out that Tommy is strong enough to be able to flight back to LA. He arranges the transport and a room in a private hospital. He is doing everything almost automatically. Just to stop himself from thinking about how bad things are. They don't really know what happend and how bad Tommys injuries are. The hospital couldn't tell them on the phone. Some hospital policy.
Adam wanted so badly to fly to get Tommy by himself. But Lane convinced him to stay in LA. There would have been paparazzi or fans on the airport and then the whole world would know that something happened. And they wanted to get Tommy back and know he is safe before talking to other people.
Now that everything was prepared, Adam felt the breakdown coming. But right before he could fall apart, someone rang his door bell. He was happy to see Brad and Danielle. They hugged together for a few minutes. Adam felt tears coming back. Then they were drinking some coctails and waiting. Waiting to hear something new.
Dia was back with Tommy the next day. Adam and some friends were on their way to visit him. Dia was waiting. She said that Tommy had a concussion. That was the reason he didn't wake up. He had also some broken ribs, a broken leg and was covered in bruises. But he was lucky. He could have died. Adam tried to push that thought far away. They were not allowed to go to Tommy together. The doctors said that only two persons could visit him that night. The others had to wait until tomorrow.
Adam decided to let Isaac and Tommys sister go in. He wanted to come back tomorrow. He was not with Tommy anymore. He had no right to see him before the others did. He gently pushed Isaac toward the door as Isaac suggested that Adam should go in. "Just tell him that I will come back." He smiled weakly.
The next days Tommy doesn't get better. He is still comatous. Adam decided to stay away until Tommy would get better. He is still thinking that he has no right to visit Tommy. He even thinks he would disturb the family. It hurts him that he is just a friend. He wishes things would be different. But he is willing to accept that there is just a friendship between them.
He is really surprised when Dia comes over to talk to him. She takes his hand and looks in his eyes. "Adam, why don't you come to see Tommy?" Adam sighs. „That is not my place to be. Not anymore. I want to give you and Tommy space. I have to respect that we are not together anymore." Dia caresses his cheek. "Adam, don't be stupid. I know that you and Tommy have lost each other on your way. But he is still your friend and you are very important for him. I don't know where you two will end up. But I am sure he would want you to visit him. And it's also my wish too. Adam, you helped him so much. You deserve to see him. Don't make yourself unhappy." Adam nods. „Ok, I will go to see him. I will. Thank you. He means a lot to me. I …" He stops and Dia nods. „I know. I think he loves you too." She pulls him in a hug. "You will see, he will come back to us. He will be alright."
Tommy feels like he would be in a dream. Like he would be flying. Everything around him is too bright and too clear to see anything. The pain is burning deep in his body. But it feels like it would be not real. Like a distant memory. And he wants to cry, because that feeling is scary. And he tries to focus to find out where he is. But he can't open his eyes. His eyelids are heavy. And he is too tired to open them. He has the feeling that he is laying here like this since days, maybe even since weeks. He can't say. But after an eternety he starts to hear voices. They are talking to him. He can hear his mum. She is crying sometimes. But most of the time she is telling him some stories out of his life. It makes him smile inside. Her voice is like a pull towards his life again. Put the pull is not strong enough, or maybe he is just not ready to get back.
Then there are other voices. His sister. Mia. Isaac. Some cousins. And over and over again his mother. After a while he gets that he is in a hospital. Obviously the shoes were not good enough and he really fell down that fucking hill. He was not sure if this was just a dream. But now he knew, it was real.
He was happy to hear them all. But he kept asking himself where Adam was. Why didn't he hear Adams voice. Adam was the one he wanted to hear. But he was not there. Tommy was sad and hurt. He couldn't blame Adam for not visiting him. He just hoped that he would come even if they were not together. Because Tommy wanted to baldy to hear Adams voice again. He needed to hear him. He hoped so much Adam would pull him out of this emptiness.
And then Adam is there. He can hear his voice. First there is also his mum and Adam is talking to her. Tommy can hear how broken Adams voice is. He is trying to let Adam know that he is here. He is trying to get out of this dream. But he is not strong enough. He tries to focus on Adam. And he can hear that they are alone now. Adam is talking to him. Tommy can hear the love in Adams voice. And he wishes he could wake up and tell Adam everything he was thinking about when he was on vacation. Then he can feel that Adam is touching him. For the first time since he is caught in this bright world he feels a touch. And it makes him want to cry. Adam is just holding his hand and this is like a connection. Like a string he could use to come back. But not yet. Not yet. He needs time. And rest.
Adam is sitting on Tommys side. Like every night the whole week through. And he is holding his hand. He is singing every song that somes to his mind. Over and over again. And he tells Tommy some silly stuff out of their lifes. And he is crying and hoping and begging. He is begging Tommy to come back. And he promises to be a better friend. He wants to accept that they are friends. Tommy just needs to come back.
This night Isaac comes around to see Tommy. He is smiling while he is watching Adam sitting on Tommys bed through the window. Then he gets in the room. Adam looks up and his eyes are so tired and sad. "Hey! When did you sleep the last time, Adam?" Adam smiles weakly. „When I am honest, I haven't really slept since weeks. I try to catch some sleep in the morning, when I go home." Isaac pads his shoulder. "You are still in love with him, aren't you?" Adam looks back at Tommy. „I never stopped being in love with him. How could I? He is everything I ever wanted. But I can be just a friend. If this is what it's ment to be. If this is what he wants." Isaac sits down taking the next available chair. "Listen, Adam. I just don't know if this accident will change anything. Tommy was sad the last months. He was not happy. But I don't know if it was because of you. I really don't know. He didn't talk to me about you. I stopped asking." Adam nodded. „I just don't want you to think that you two will be back together after he will wake up. Because this might be a hopeless dream. I don't want you to get hurt." Adam sighed. „Isaac, I am here not because I hope to be back together with him. I just want to be here for him. To help him to come back. That's all. I just want him to wake up." „Yeah, that's what we all want to." Isaac squeezed Adams arm. "And now, go home and sleep. You won't help anyone when you will break down."
Tommy feels like dying listening to Adam. Adam was giving them up. He had to wake up soon. Adam must know that Tommy is also still in love with him. He doesn't want to be a friend. He wants to be with Adam. And he is feeling so sorry that he hurt Adam. He is angry about himself and can't understand how stupid he was. That he let Adam slip away.
He was fighting against the tireness his body was laying in while he was listening to Adam and Isaac. He was fighting to find a way out of the nightmare he was in. There has to be a way to get back to life. To get back to Adam. He needs to wake up now. He can't wait any longer. He can't lose Adam. There is no way.
He can feel his body fighting against his will to wake up. He listens how Adam is saying goodbye to Isaac. He fights more and more. Struggling against the coma he is in. Fighting against the brightness sorrounding him. He needs to find a way back. He has to pull himself back to life. And Adam is all he needs to be able to get back. He just needs to believe in Adam. Adam loves him. There is a chance for them.
And he is pulling on all the strings which connect him with his life. He wants to wake up. "Adam…" is the first word he manages to whisper before he falls in a welcomed darkness. The bright light is gone.
"Adam..." is everything he needs to hear to stop him from going out of the door. He turns around to look at Tommy. And he can see the monitors start to blink with a faster heart rate. And he walks back to Tommy and takes his hand. "Tommy, come back. It's time, it's time!" And then everything is turning around them so fast. Nurses and doctors are coming in. They send them out of the room. And after a few minutes they get the news, that Tommy is waking up. He might need some hours to be completely back, but he is waking up. Isaac and Adam are standing there in shock and then they are hugging and jumping around in happiness. "I have to call his mom." Isaac pulls away.
Adam goes back to Tommy. He can see the change on the monitor and he can feel tears in his eyes. He bows his head to Tommys face and whispers: "Baby, come back, come back to me. I need you so much." And he doesn't care that Tommy might hear it. And he is not afraid that his words don't sound like something a friend would say to another. He doesn't give a fuck. Because it's too late for regrets and he is too tired to pretend. So he kisses Tommys cheek and whispers. "Come back, because I love you." And then he sits down on the chair and waits for Tommy to wake up.
Tommy tries so hard to open his eyes. It's like his body forgot how to do this one simple action. Like they were closed for too long. He is longing so much to look at Adam. He knows Adam is still on his side. Since hours. He must fallen asleep, because all Tommy is hearing is his breath. He heard everything Adam said. He needs to get back to life to tell Adam that he loves him too. To fix what he destroyed between them.
He clenches his fists and tries harder to open his eyes. His body starts to shake from the affort. But finally he can feel the lids moving up slowly. He has to blink a few times. Even after that the vision is blurry. He looks around, only moving his eyes. His mouth is dry, he can't speak. He licks over his lips. Then he forces his eyes to focus more. Finally he can see the details around him. He is laying on a bed. On his left side is a monitor showing his heart rate. He can also see that there is infusion connected with his arm. He is now able to focus his eyes so he can see the drops falling down.
He turns slowly his head around. It's aching. He feels like he has to remind his body how to move. Maybe it is really like that. Finally he is looking to his left. And there is Adam. He can't see his face, because Adams head is laying on his bed, next to Tommys right hand. But the little he can see, is enough to make his heart jump in his chest.
He wants to call out for him, but his throat is dry and no words want to come out. So he puts all the strength he has left in his body to move his hand. He watches his fingers start to move. He stratches them, one by one, feeling like life is coming back to them. Like he would bring his blood back to his fingertips. It hurts and he can feel every bone, every fiber moving. After a few moments he is able to move the hand forward. It's just a little space he has to cross to get to Adam. But with his partly numb fingers it seems like he has to cross a continent. Finally he is there. His fingers borrow into Adams hair. And the feeling of the soft strands of hair slipping through them makes Tommy cry. He is alive and Adam is here. He starts to caress over Adams scalp. It's like he was never more alive than in this moment.
After a while he can feel Adam stir under his hand. He continues to play with Adams hair. And Adam is coming back from his sleep slowly. Suddendly his head snaps up and he looks with wide opened eyes at Tommy. Tommy has to smile about the surprise in Adams eyes. They look at each other for a while, not able to do anything else. Then Adam gets up and takes Tommys hand. "Oh my god, Tommy! You are back, you are back." Tommy can see tears forming in Adams eyes, but all he can do is smile at him and sqeeze his hand. Then out of nowhere there is a nurse and a doctor there. And his mum. And Adam steps back letting his hand go. Tommys heart is aching at the loss of the contact, but he has no chance to do anything about it because he is now the center of the interest of the doctor.
Adam and his mum have to leave the room until the doctor will finish his examination. Tommy doesn't want Adam to go, but he can't say anything. So he is just looking over to see Adam going out the door. Adam turns around before closing the door and he gives Tommy a shiny smile through the tears still running down his cheeks. Then he is gone.
Adam calls everybody who wanted to know when Tommy will wake up. They are allowed to visit him in the afternoon. Adam is watching Tommy as soon as they are all in the room. Everybody is greeting Tommy. There are hugs and kisses. Adam is happy that Tommy is finally back. But he knows that he has no right to get more time with Tommy than anybody else. He reminds himself that he is just a friend, even if his heart is aching to take Tommy in his arms and to kiss him. But he doesn't. He stays in the distence leaning against the wall while he is watching Tommy.
Finally he decides to leave for a few minutes to get some fresh air, to clear his mind. He steps out of the room and goes around to a small balcony. He steps out and takes a deep breath. "It's hard for you, isn't it?" He is almost jumping at the voice. He turns to the left to see Monte sitting on a chair out on the balcony. He smiles at Monte. "Monte, I am ok. He is back, that is all that matters. It's just a little overwhelming to see him. I was so afraid he wouldn't make it." Monte gets up and hugs Adam. "He will be ok, he just need some time to get his body together." Adam nods. "I know." He wipes the tears away he didn't even notice he was crying. "I am so tired Monte. Exhausted. Empty. And it's kind of hard to see him and not to be allowed to be.. you know... with him. I didn't think it would be that hard." Adam sighs.
Monte pats his back. „I know. But maybe…" Adam shakes his head. "No, Monte. We are friends now. I have to give the dream up and move on. I will go back to him and say goodbye. I need to sleep. Maybe now that he is better, I can finally sleep."
Adam turns around and walks to Tommys room. When he gets in, there is nobody there. They left. Tommy is laying in his bed, his eyes are closed. Adam is just watching Tommy for a while and he lets the love he feels for Tommy overfload him. He can't avoid the smile to cross his face when Tommy licks over his lips and turns around with a smack. It reminds Adam how it was like to sleep in a bed with Tommy. He resists the urge to touch Tommy and leaves the room.