Without you I grow weaker
Don't leave me in all this pain.
Don't leave me out in the rain.
Come back and bring back my smile.
Come and take these tears away.
I need your arms to hold me now!
The nights are so unkind.
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Tony Braxton, Unbreak my heart
Chapter 4: Take me back!
Tommy is getting better, day by day. His body is getting stronger and the injuries are soon gone. After another 3 weeks he is allowed to leave the hospital. Adam was just a few times during daytime there. Tommy didn't know about the hours Adam spend at night watching him sleeping through the window. Nobody knows about that. Adam and Tommy never had the time to be alone. There was always someone with Adam. Like he would try to avoid seeing Tommy alone. To be honest Tommy felt like Adam was avoiding him. It hurt him. He had to do something.
He called Isaac to get him from the hospital. Isaac shows up with Monte. They decide to take Tommy to a restaurant to get something good to eat after weeks of hospital food. When they step out of the hospital it's like Tommy could finally breathe again. They talk about the tour. They want to start the preparation in two weeks. And it's so easy how the talk leads them towards Adam. Monte is laughing while he talks about the crazy ideas Adam has. Then he stops laughing when he looks at Tommy. Tommys is lost in thoughts.
"Tommy, you should talk to him. It's not too late." Tommy nods. „I know. But he is avoiding me. He was hardly visiting me. And we never really had the possibility to talk alone." Monte smiles at him. "He is afraid. He thinks that you both are just friends. That you are over him. And that he should move on too." Tommy looks at Monte. "He is wrong. He should know, that it's not like that." Monte moves closer to Tommy. „But how is he to know that? Did you tell him?" Tommy shakes his head. „See, he doesn't know. That's why you should talk to him."
Tommy nods and puts the last bite of his tacco in his mouth. He knows Monte is right. He has to do something soon.
The door bell is ringing through the house over and over again. Adam is stumbling out of his bathroom. "I'm coming, just a second!" His hair is wet and he pulls a shirt and some sweatpants on while he is walking towards the door. He is leaving a trace of water drops all over the floor. The bell doesn't stop to ring. He pulls the door open an angry curse about to leave his lips, when he sees Tommy in front of him. And Tommy is alone. And Adam is alone. And Tommy doesn't waste any second to get in the house. He is pushing Adam to close the door and there they are.
"Tommy, I didn't know..." Adam starts, but Tommy interrupts him. "Yeah I left the hospital in the morning. I think we should talk." He pulls his jacket off, trying his best to ignore the fact that the shirt on Adams body is soaked with water and is showing the shape of Adams chest. Adam clears his throat. „What do you think we have to talk about?" He turns around to get in the kitchen. Tommy let his eyes wander over Adams back and his ass. He is distracted enought to almost forget to answer.
"We should talk about us. I think I owe you an explanation." Adam stops to turn back to Tommy. "No, you don't owe me anything Tommy." Tommy can see that Adam is struggling to stay calm. He knows him so good. It almost makes him smile. „Adam, I think I do. And I can't go on as long as those things are still between us." Adam sighs and nods. "Ok. But I need something to drink. Do you want a beer?" Tommy shakes his head. "No, I don't think my medicine will work well with alcohol." He is grinning and Adam smiles back.
They end up on Adams couch. Adam fingers clench around his glass. He can't look up and Tommys hands are aching to pull him in a hug. But he resists. It would be too soon. „Adam I just wanted to explain you some things, I was thinking about while I was on my vacation." He takes a deep breath and starts to tell Adam about his feelings when they were together. About how stupid his fears were and how sorry he is, that he broke up with him. He tells him everything. And Adam is listening while he is sipping on his water.
After a while Tommy looks up and takes one of Adams hands. He can feel him shaking. He starts to carress over the back of Adams hand in small circles. "I am sorry, I hurt you. I hurt us both. I was just so lost in my fears. But finally I found out I was afraid to admit that you are the one. I mean it scared me that my search was over and I didn't realize it. And that's why I pushed you away. But now I know, there is no getting over you. And I just... I want you to take me back. Can you forgive me? Can you take me back?"
The following silance is killing him. Then Adam looks at him with an unreadable look on his face. „Tommy, I don't know if we should be together. I don't want to lose you again. And I am afraid that you want to come back because you are grateful. That you don't want to come back because you love me. I mean you were for days in coma. I could understand that you think you want to be with me. But I don't think that you really want it. I don't think that you are able to decide this after all what happend. I am still the same man I was six months ago and my life is as crazy as it was when you left me. I don't think you want to go back to that." Adams voice was sad. Tommys heart was aching.
"Adam, I know how much I hurt you. But I am serious about it. I am serious about us. I want to be with you. It's not just out of a habbit or something like that. I really do want to be with you. I love you." Tommy is squeezing Adams hand. "Tommy, don't do that. Don't make me fall for you again. Don't hurt me again. I don't think I can take it." And now there are tears in Adams eyes. "Adam..." Tommy reaches out to touch Adams cheek and Adam pulls away from him. "Tommy, I just... can you go please?" Tommy gets up and nods. "I do anything you want. But be sure, I won't give you up. I will prove my love for you is real." He wants so bad to take Adam in his arms, but when he tries to steps closer, Adam is backing away.
Tommy turns around. He knows he has to go now. He is just hoping he will be allowed to come back. To show Adam how he feels about him. He has to know that Tommy is true about it. He doesn't turn around as he gets out of the door. It's just to hard to see Adam like that.
Adam breaks down the minute the door is closing behind Tommy. He falls down on his knees and cries. Why didn't he just take what Tommy had to give? Tommy had a hard time and yeah there is a possibilty that his feelings aren't true. That they are a result of gratitute because he survived and Adam helped him. But maybe... No, Adam is not able to take a risk on that. He knows he can't take a little piece of Tommy and enjoy it while it lasts. Because he knows there can be only all or nothing. Because he won't survive when Tommy would leave him again.
Tommy is sitting alone in his room, thinking about Adam. Thinking about how to get him back. How could he prove that he was honest, that his love was real. That he decided that he wanted to go back before the accident happened. He has to do something. He is yearning for Adam. He turns around to lay down on his bed when he hears a knock on his door. "Come in!" Isaac gets in his room with a small package in his hand. "Tommy there is something for you. Your mum brought it with the stuff she has got from the hotel. I didn't know if you wanted him to get it. So I kept it and then I forgot about it. Sorry!" Tommy is confused. But then Isaac hands him the package and he remembers. "Thank you Isaac! You are ma savior! Thank you!" Tommy jumps up and hugs Isaac while he is jumping around him. "It's always a pleasure to help you out, Tommy." Isaac looks at him like he had lost his mind. Tommy is smiling widly and then he kisses Isaac with a loud smack right on his mouth.
Adam gets back to his house in the evening. The day was long and he is tired. And the rain that set in one hour ago isn't really helping to feel better. He just wants to take a bath and go to sleep. The rain is getting stronger and he can feel the drops running down his neck. He steps in his porch and shakes his head like a dog when his eyes stop on a small package leaning against the door. He starts wondering how a fan did get this far without beeing stopped when he sees the name of the sender, "Tommy Joe". His heart starts beating faster and he tries hard to catch a breath. He takes the package and gets in the house.
He turns the lights on while he is taking off the wet jacket and his boots. The whole time he is holding the package in his hand. Then he sits down on his couch and looks down on the package. Unable to open it, he is just looking down on the letters on it. After a while he starts to shiver because of the wet shirt. But he can't decide to get up to change. Finally he is ready to open the package.
In the package is a necklace and a letter. He pulls the necklace out. It's a silver chain with a pendant in shape of the infinity sign. It's beautiful. He puts it on the table and takes the letter out of the package. He opens the envelope and takes the paper out. It's a handwritten letter and for a second he tries to rememeber when he got the last one. Then he starts to read it.
Dear Adam!
I know that you might be surprised to get this letter from me. I am sitting here on my hotel balcony enjoying the beautiful view. The place is just amazing. But all I can think is how badly I wish you were here. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and take back the words which broke your heart. I was so wrong with everything I said. And so stupid.
I let strangers pull me away from you. I let hate get to me and I stopped believing in us.
You were always the one I wanted to be with. You still are. I am so scared that I lost you forever. Because living without you is something I can't face. I don't want to be without you. And I don't want to be just a friend. It's not enough. And it hurts.
When I left you, I left my heart behind. I can't really undersand now why I acted like that then. I miss you so much, it's killing me. And I am so afraid you moved on and I can't blame you if you did. You deserve to be happy. Because you are just perfect. I am still hoping that you are just perfect for me. That you feel the same for me. Fuck, I just want to know if there is a chance?
I would do anything you want to get back to you. Anything.
I feel incomplete without you. And I don't care if I sound pathetic or sappy. I just want you to take me back.
Please, take me back!
I just want you to know that I love you more than anything else.
I hope I will be brave enough to give that letter to you. I'll be back soon. Then I will decide about it. Hell, I hope I can make it!
Now, I will go on a trip with some people I met here. We want to see some badass waterfall. I hope it will be worth the affort to get there.
See you soon!
TJ
Adam lets the hand with the letter sink. He lets his head fall back. Tears are rolling down his cheeks. He can't believe what he just read. Tommy wanted to get back with him because of him. Not because of the accident. Not because he was grateful. He loved him.
Please take me back!
Those words are spinning around in Adams head. And he wanted nothing more than that. He wanted to have Tommy back with him. So he could breathe again. So he could live again. Because after Tommy left he was just existing.
He gets up, grabs his jacket, puts his boots on and he runs out of his house. He doesn't care that the rain is now like a cloudburst. He just has to get to Tommy. He wasted enough time. They wasted enough time.
He rushes over to his car. The rain is faling down on him. He is soaked to the bones after walking the few meters. And then he is running in someone and he gasps in surprise. "Sorry, I didn't see you." He wants to walk on just when the person stops him with a simple "Adam, wait." He turns around. "Tommy, what are you doing here?" He steps closer. "You are completely wet, you shouldn't be out here!" Tommy smiles at him. "I was waiting for you. I just wanted to be here in case you want to see me. And by the way: you are also wet." He is grinning at Adam. And Adam can't help himself. He cups Tommys face with his big hands and kisses him deeply. And Tommy melts against him with a sigh. They kiss in the pouring rain for a few minutes.
Then Adam pulls away. "We have to go in the house. Tommy, you just survived an accident. You have to be careful." Adam takes Tommys hand and pulls him towards the house. Tommy can't stop himself from saying: "I am sure you will take good care of me!" And Adam is laughing against the rain.
They are standing in the hallway. Rain is dripping down their clothes into the floor. They stare in each other eyes. Tommy feels like he would wake up from a nightmare. And he is sure he sees the same thought in Adams eyes. He steps closer to Adam. A drop falls from Adams hair on his cheek and is running down to his lips. Tommy is watching while the drop is leaving a wet track on Adams face. And then there are more drops. And Tommy begins to wonder if it's just the rain or if there are tears as well. And he reaches his fingers out to follow the tracks of the drops over Adams face. Over Adams cheeks, his nose, his lips. That's when Adams starts to shiver.
Tommy clears his throat. "I think we should get out of the wet clothes?" Adam just sighs: "Yes, please." Tommy can't stop the grin spreading across his face. He takes one step back and starts to take his boots off. After the boots he takes of his socks. Adam doesn't move. Tommy bites a smile away while he starts to take of his jacket. He lets it fall to the floor. It hits the floor with a bang. Adams snaps back to reality and starts to take his own jacket off. After that he tries to get out of his boots, but he has to look away from Tommy to open them.
When he finally looks back, Tommy managed to take his shirt of and is slowly working on his jeans zipper. Again Adam has to stop and let his eyes wonder over Tommy. He is not able to move while he is watching over Tommys arms and his chest. He knows that body so well. He loves that body. Every little piece of it. Tommy lets his jeans fall to the floor and Adam can't stop a moan from leaving his mouth because... "Holy fuck Tommy! No briefs today?" He is just gasping those words out. And Tommy just shrugs while he steps out of the jeans. "I have to do my laundry?" Naked as he is he steps closer to Adam.
Adam still isn't able to move. Tommy starts to undress him. He takes Adams shirt off. Then he opens Adams jeans. He pushes his hands just under the waistband and pushes the jeans down. Adams lets out another gasp while Tommy cups his ass. Tommy is smiling. When the jeans hits the floor and Adam is just standing there in his black briefs, Tommy takes his hand to lead him towords the bathroom. "I think we both can use some hot water to warm up." Adam follows him like he would be in trance.
Then they are in the shower. Aam lost his briefs somewhere on their way, who cares where. The water is running over their cold bodies while they start to explore each other with clumsy hands. It should be easier to follow the lines. They know each other so well. Their bodies remember how good they fit together. And still there is something that makes them feel like this would be their first time. But as soon as Adam pulls Tommy close and their cocks slide together there is no holding back anymore. They are kissing like there would be no tomorrow. Tongues are fighting a battle while their hands run over their bodies. All wet and hot under the water. And then there are hands between them. And they stroke together towards a fast release. Unable to stop, unable to think. Just the feeling of need and hunger. And then it's over and they are leaning against each other, panting and trying to come down.
Adam is the first able to speak. "Sorry, I couldn't stop myself." Tommy looks up at him and is just grinning. "Dito." Then he takes the shower gel and starts to wash Adams body. Adam takes the hint and is washing Tommy as well. They step out of the shower and Adam is back in control. He pulls Tommy with him towards the bedroom. Not realls caring that they are wet. On his way he gets a big towel and starts to dry them together as soon as they enter the bedroom. They stumble over to the bed and Tommy can feel how he is falling. He lands on his back on the bed and Adam crawls up to him.
"Should we talk?" Adam is asking while his body comes down to lay on Tommy. Tommy has to laugh. "You think I am able to talk while your gorgeous body is laying on me?" Adam is laughing back. "I love you, Tommy Joe! I think it's all I have to say right now." Right before their lips meet, Tommy is breathing "I love you too." Then there are no more words for a while. They will have talk afterwards.
This time there is no hurry in their movements. Slowly they take back what seemed to be lost forever. It's like the carresses, kisses and licks take all the pain away they went through the last months. And even when they know each other so well, there is something new between them. Like they their hands and mouths would run over lost memories and build new ones. Better ones. And when their bodies are finally joined together, they know that they won't ever be apart again. They never really were. And the passion takes them away and everything is just right.
Afterwards Tommy is laying with his head on Adams chest, Adam is holding his hand. Tommy looks up and he can see that Adam is trying his best to stay awake. He has to smile. He gets a little up to look down on Adams face. He leans down and kisses Adam. It's nothing sexual about that kiss, just pure love. "Sleep my love. We can talk about anything you want tomorrow. I will be here. I won't ever go away." And this seems to be what Adam needs to hear. He closes his eyes with a sigh and pulls Tommy closer to his own body. After a few moments he is asleep. Tommy closes his eyes and while he falls asleep he can't stop to smile.