AN: hello! i can't believe i'm actually updating again. This must be a record for me. I've written the next chapter and half of the sixth, but i won't post them for a few days obviously. I should have ridiculously important exams more often...they give me an excellent excuse to procrastinate and writing is very destressing. Thanks again to all my amazing reviewers! Enjoy! (Oo, and before i forget, in the prequel to this story, Earthworms..., i give some info on Remus, which you'll find out about in this chapter. sorry if you don't like it...i do.)

"Lily?" Remus shook his friend softly by the shoulder. "Lils, wake up."

Lily sat up with a start and rubbed her eyes blearily. She'd fallen asleep on the sofa in front of the crackling fire and had been dreaming of Deatheaters, smoke, and Lord Voldemort – his red eyes burning into her head.

"You ok?" Remus asked, handing her a glass of water which she gulped greedily.

"Just a bad dream. Where's James?"

"Sirius took him to St. Mungo's." Seeing the suddenly fearful look in Lily's eyes, he hurried on, "It's okay. James'll be okay. But Dumbledore thought it was better for the Healers to determine his exact age first then give him the aging potion."

"But he'll be fine?"

"Right back to normal," Remus said kindly, sitting on the couch beside her.

Smiling weekly, Lily said, "Shame. He was much more pleasant as a baby." Remus didn't reply, just gazed off into the fire, apparently lost in the clouds. Lily watched him for several long moments. "You have sad eyes."

"Sorry," Remus said. "I was miles away."

They sat in silence, enjoying the peace of each other's company. It wasn't often they got peace and quiet nowadays. Not with the war raging around them and the Deatheaters outnumbering the Order twenty to one. "Do you think we'll come out of this alive?"

Remus didn't say anything for a long time, but took Lily's hand in his and kneaded her fingers gently with his own. "I honestly don't know," he said finally, his voice very quiet.

"You're a comfort," Lily joked but her voice caught in her throat. She stood quickly, letting go of Remus' hand and crossed to the window, staring out at the dark sky, rain lashing the glass. Sighing, she pressed her forehead against the cool, hard surface, and closed her eyes tightly shut. She wanted to cry, but she just couldn't. The tears wouldn't come.

Feeling an arm slip gently around her waist, Lily turned and buried her face into Remus, heaving a dry sob, trying not to think of the events of the past few hours, or think about where James was, and if he was going to be ok.

"I feel dead inside," Lily whispered. She hated the cold, unfeeling person she'd become since Christmas…since her father had died. Mechanically working for the Order, doing assignments every day, not caring that every day she risked her life. She almost wanted to risk her life now. She'd become reckless…uncaring what happened to her.

"No, Lily," Remus replied, his voice equally as quiet. "Don't let the war take you. Not you." He kissed her head softly and stroked her hair.

Smiling into his chest, Lily remembered doing this for him before. The night Remus had told her he was a werewolf she'd sat up, letting him cry and letting him know she was always there for him. But this time it was different – she couldn't cry. It was like all her emotions had just dried up.

"James misses you, Lily. He needs you."

Lily pulled away from Remus and gazed out of the window again. Of course…Remus was James' friend. Firstly, and fore mostly, he was a Marauder. "What am I supposed to tell him?" she asked with a humourless laugh. "That I think I'm cursed and my heart has shrivelled up and died and I can't feel anything anymore?"

Remus didn't say anything, just leaned on the back of the sofa, stretching his long legs out in front of him and inspecting a nasty gash on his forearm.

"I read somewhere that only eight percent of teenagers in Japan are happy. Do you think that's true?"

"Mm, maybe. It's probably the same everywhere. Or at least, people think they're not happy. They always think there's something better out there."

"Or maybe we like pain," Lily muttered. "Maybe we keep hurting ourselves because it feels so good when we stop."

"Or maybe hurting ourselves feels good."

Lily grinned, feeling a bit of life return to her. "What, like the whole S&M thing? That's rather kinky of you Remus."

He blushed and laughed. "Alright then, why don't you want to be happy, Lily? You know James will make you happy and the only reason you're so down all the time is because you're not with him."

Lily sat on the window-seat and pulled her knees up underneath her chin, her long red hair falling around her pale face. "I don't know. This is making my brain hurt. Let's talk about you. If you're so sure love makes you happy, why are you alone?"

"It's not as easy for me, Lils," Remus muttered, standing straight and shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

"That's only because you make it difficult. You just assume no one would want to be with you."

Remus shrugged then grinned. "Sirius offered me a flea collar yesterday. How was that supposed to make me feel?"

Lily tried to hide her smile behind a hand, but Remus noticed and laughed.

"Mm, trust Sirius. He knows how to get me worked up."

"You like him?"

"Of course I do," he said but then caught her eye and raised his eyebrows in surprise. "No! not like that. Of course not. He's my friend that's all. Jesus…" he ran a hand through his light hair and turned away. Lily noticed he'd gone quite pale. Slowly she lowered her legs to the floor, then stood, her eyes never leaving his face.

"You do, don't you?" she repeated, very quietly.

He turned to face her. "No Lily, I don't. I honestly don't," but his eyes said something different. Something he wouldn't ever let himself say but needed someone to know.

Communication. Maybe that was the reason why only eight percent of people claimed to be happy. One of the first things humans learned to do in their lives was to speak, to communicate. But then they grew up, and learned words and really began speaking properly, but it was only then that things became harder to say and communication became fuzzy. It was only then, when communication was possible, that it became impossible, and it was harder to know what to say, or to ask for help when it was needed.

---

Lily felt distinctly nervous as she watched dawn approach. The sky turned from inky blank to dull grey, the light barely penetrating the thick fog surrounding the large house. Remus had gone up to bed a few hours before dawn, but Lily couldn't sleep. They hadn't yet got word from the Order, and she wasn't sure if everyone was ok. What if something had gone horribly wrong? What if she had caused someone's death…Sirius' maybe? Lily put down the book she'd been holding and put out the lamp she'd been reading by. She hadn't really been reading anyway; maybe one page in the last hour.

Footsteps outside the living room door made Lily jump to her feet, but it was only Remus. For once in her life, Lily wasn't pleased to see him. She'd hoped it was James walking through the door. But that revelation had to be pondered some other time, because Remus was beaming at her, and holding out a small scrap of parchment. She took it, noting vaguely that her hands were trembling, and read:

Remus,

We're all ok. Managed to get Gulidenweed and he's being held at Azkaban. Had to take McKinnon to St. Mungo's as she got hit by a hex, but she's fine now. Ran into James down here as well. He looks a bit sheepish, but otherwise fine. Will be home soon.

Sirius.

Lily felt a wave of relief rush over her and she sank into the nearest armchair, rubbing her face with shaky hands. So. They'd captured Guildenweed, and everyone was ok. Well…she'd got lucky, that was all. Nothing more than that.

"You did well, Lily," Remus said, crossing to the window and peering out.

"A lot of people could have died tonight."

"This is war. People can die all the time. And because of you, a dangerous Deatheater is now behind bars, and that's just saved a lot of lives."

Lily reluctantly smiled to herself. Her first dangerous mission was over. And everyone had survived.

"Ah," Remus said quietly, turning to face Lily and smiling. "They're back."

Lily heard the front door bang open and someone (who sounded a lot like Sirius) call, "Honey! I'm hooommmeee!"

She suddenly realised she didn't want to be there for the big emotional reunion. She didn't want to see anyone; just wanted to be alone. Feeling panicked, Lily reached out and grabbed Remus' arm.

"I'll be upstairs," she whispered hurriedly, feeling more like a coward than she had ever done before. What hurt the most was seeing the disappointment in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but Lily had already apparated, disappeared to one of the many upstairs bedrooms with a pop. He shook his head sadly, wishing he could make her better. But knowing that he could never do that…it had to be James. She had to accept James into her heart. But when would she? When would she finally wake up and see that she was ruining not only her life, but his as well?

Ok well thanks for reading. Next chapter's quite fluffy once i get into it, but it's also quite long. Please review! they make me so happy! and give me incentive not to kill of the characters just yet :o) thanks! xxx