Thanks to Grizzly for betaing and pointing out the many strange things in this chapter, so I could change them.

Thanks to Debbie for always helping me when I am stuck.

Thanks to all the reviewers. I really appreciate your comments.

Chapter 4: Guilt

„Can we talk?" Lorelai asked without any greeting and then walked past him and disappeared behind the curtain that hung in the doorway.

She had noticed his surprised expression when he had seen her, but she really didn't care at this point. She had had the most awful night and she had come to the conclusion (although his voice in her head disagreed) that it was all HIS fault. Somehow he had caused this and now he needed to fix it!

When Lorelai had woken up the previous morning she heard the "Finally" she had become used to over the last few days. She was still convinced that she was losing it, but she had decided that as long as she didn't see white mice or the ghost of Anna Karenina in her living room she didn't need to see a doctor.

The second day that she had spent with the Luke voice she had started to wonder if maybe something had happened to Luke and it was his ghost speaking to her. She had met Babette though and she had told her the latest gossip about Luke acting extremely strangely. Of course the town had picked up on their fight and Babette had questioned her about it, but Lorelai had brushed it off, mainly because the Luke in her head had started one of his rants and she hadn't been able to concentrate anymore. So she had stopped worrying and had tried accepting the situation, but she wasn't entirely successful.

She stumbled into the bathroom and closed the door behind her without switching on the light inside the room. Since the Luke voice had entered her life she had become used to showering in the dark. She would switch the light on when she was dressed in her underwear and then start her normal routine.

When she came out of the bathroom she was still dressed only in her underwear, but her hair was already dry and her makeup applied perfectly as always. She opened her closet and rummaged through the various shirts and skirts, but couldn't find what she was looking for.

"Damn, where is my grey skirt?" she muttered and pulled another shirt out and threw it carelessly on the floor.

"It's still in the washing machine where you put it last night," the Luke voice replied slightly unnerved.

"Oh, you're right," she replied happily. "Isn't it nice that I have you now to tell me where I put my stuff?"

"Yes, I can barely contain my happiness," he deadpanned.

"Yes, you sound so happy about it I bet you're dancing up there," she smiled and tapped her finger against her forehead.

"I would probably break my neck dancing up here. It's a mess," the voice replied.

"I am not surprised," she nodded and hurried down the stairs to get to the washing machine. She shivered as she stepped out into the cold morning air and rubbed her arms with her hands.

"You should have slipped on a robe at least," the voice lectured her and she just rolled her eyes. She opened the dryer expecting to find her skirt in there, however the dryer was empty.

"Guess, you were wrong Tensing Norgay, no skirt in here," she thought triumphantly. She had learned the hard way that people would react strangely when they caught her obviously talking to herself. Sookie had witnessed the discussion of shaving versus waxing with the Luke voice in her office, after she had had a wax, and had looked at her as if she had lost her mind. The shaving versus waxing topic was still undecided, but she had learned from Sookie's wide eyes and worried look, that she should talk to the voice in her thoughts if there were any possibility that somebody could hear her.

"I said washing machine, not dryer."

"What? We didn't put the clothes in the dryer last night? But then they'll still be wet," she complained and put her hands on her hips, as if he could actually see her.

"We? You're the only one with an actual body here," he remarked dryly.

"You could have reminded me. You tell me a hundred times a day to switch off lights, turn off taps or eat fruit, but you can't remind me to put the damn clothes I need for work into the dryer?" she asked, angry at both him and herself now.

"I am not your personal rememberall," he grumped back and she could see the little Luke figure cross his arms in front of his chest. She smiled slightly because he remembered the Harry Potter book she had read.

Every time he said something she could see a miniature Luke standing somewhere inside her head. She could tell exactly how he would look while he was talking. He would rub his neck and adjust his cap when he was embarrassed. He would gesticulate wildly with his hands, pointing at random directions in the air with his index finger when he was agitated and ranting. He would keep a straight face when he was teasing her, but eventually the edge of his mouth would twitch once, his eyes would light up and the smile would break through. She could hear it all in his voice and if she heard a smile in his voice, she had to smile as well.

She grabbed the wet skirt, left the rest of the wet clothes inside the washing machine although she knew she would regret it and stalked back inside.

Back in the bathroom she grabbed the hair-dryer, spread the skirt out on the closed toilet lid and started drying it.

"This is ridiculous," the voice huffed and Lorelai saw him with his arms stilled crossed, maybe stamping his foot. "I do not stamp my foot," he replied immediately.

"Ok, ok, you don't. And why is this ridiculous? I need the skirt, the skirt is wet, so I'm drying it," she tried to reason with him.

"You have at least ten other skirts in your closet, so why do you need this particular one?" he asked.

"Because it will look fabulous with my black high-heels and the cute black blouse," she replied speaking out loud again; she was alone in her bathroom after all.

"Then choose different shoes and another blouse and wear another skirt. One that is dry and ironed."

"I need this one! The linen guy is coming to the old Inn today to meet me and to make a new deal with the new owner. I want him for the new Inn as well, only at a cheaper price. Therefore I have to look good and he likes my legs, which look great in the grey skirt and the black heels," she told him.

"You shouldn't let some guy ogle your legs just to get a better deal," he muttered and she knew that he would probably start wiping the counter now if he had one up there in her head. Then she smiled and imagined how she would look in the outfit she had just described and even shortened the skirt a bit in her head. Her smile got wider when she could feel that he was blushing- as far as a voice could actually blush.

"Nice, huh?" she grinned.

"Uhm... yeah," he replied and it sounded like he had to clear his throat.

"Now you get it," she nodded and kept blowing the hot air on the skirt.

The day was even more exhausting than she had thought and by the end of the day her feet were killing her. She kicked them off as soon as she stepped inside the crapshack and let her purse drop to the floor.

"I told you not to wear the heels," the obnoxious Luke voice told her and not improving her mood with that comment.

"Give me a foot massage instead of being a know-it-all she replied tiredly and just wanted to flop down on the couch when the phone rang.

"Gah!" she exclaimed and hobbled over to the desk where the phone was sitting on its station. See, I told you the couch is the better place for a phone! This is like putting the remote control on the TV, she lectured the voice in her head and then picked up the phone.

"Yeah," she said, hobbling back to the couch at the same time.

"Hey mom," Rory replied.

Wow she sounds down, the Luke voice commented and Lorelai raised her eyebrows.

"Hey kid, what's wrong?" she asked and sat down on the couch and propped her feet up on the table.

You should at least take off dirty socks before you put your feet on the table, the voice immediately lectured her and Lorelai rolled her eyes.

"Nothing, just a crappy day," Rory sighed.

"Aw honey, what happened?"

"I asked a guy out today," Rory replied.

She did what?

Shut up, Luke!

"Wow, what guy?" Lorelai asked her daughter and tried to ignore the miniature Luke in her head.

"A guy I met while I was doing my laundry. He came into the room, we started talking and I thought he was nice. So when he was leaving I decided to ask him if he wanted to grab a coffee with me."

"What is it with laundry and bad luck today?" Lorelai asked rhetorically, but then caught herself when she could imagine Luke rolling his eyes at her dramatics. "Bad date?" she asked.

"He said no!" Rory replied in a bewildered tone.

Idiot! miniature Luke commented.

"He said no? Why?" Lorelai asked.

She shouldn't have to ask at all! the Luke voice muttered in her head.

Yeah, because you guys are always asking us ladies out, she snorted in her mind.

That's the way it should be. Women are not supposed to ask a guy out, came the prompt reply and she had to laugh.

Are you beating your own chest now before you go out and hunt? she asked him and pictured him with a loincloth out of fur, a lance in his left hand, while he beat his chest with the other.

Stop that! I look ridiculous, he complained.

"Mom? Are you still there?" Rory interrupted the dialogue in her head and Lorelai realized that she had no idea what Rory had been telling her.

"Yes, uh sure. There was just a, uh, spider that distracted me," she lied.

"There's a spider in our house?" Rory shrieked.

One, probably more like a whole family, miniature Luke chuckled.

"No, it's on TV. Really hairy, but I changed the channel now, so I'm good," Lorelai lied again and tried to ignore the Luke voice. "So what are you going to do about the guy? Will you ask him out again?" she asked her daughter.

"No, I won't. It's not like I have a crush on him or anything. We were just talking and I thought he was cute, so I asked him out. My first attempt to enter the casual dating world and it completely sucked," Rory sighed.

"I'm so sorry hon," Lorelai replied sympathetically.

"I just wanted a casual date. I've never done that. Dean kissed me and we got together. Then Jess kissed me by the lake and I dumped Dean and got together with Jess," Rory sighed.

I really didn't need to know the kissing thing, the Luke voice said.

"You'll learn," Lorelai encouraged her.

"I just wish I was casual dating girl, but we don't always get what we wish for," Rory pouted.

"I guess you're right babe," Lorelai replied sounding wistful.

"Mommy, why didn't Santa get me the doll I wanted?" a three year old Rory asked Lorelai with a disappointed look on her face. It was Christmas and although Lorelai had worked extra shifts at the Inn to get the money to buy Rory the doll she'd wished for, she hadn't made it. The furnace in the little potting shed had stopped working a week before Christmas and she had needed the savings to get someone to fix it. Mia was already doing so much for her that she didn't want to ask her for money and so she had taken the doll money. She had bought Rory a stuffed animal instead, one she could afford, but it wasn't what her daughter had wished for. Now Rory was disappointed and on top of that she had also caught a cold during the cold nights in the shed, before the furnace had been fixed.

"I don't know honey, maybe he just thought that this rooster was a better present," Lorelai tried to soothe her, her eyes drifting over to the small tree she had set up in front of the bathtub, the only free space In the small room.

"But you said that if I told Santa what I want and wish for it during the first snow it would come true," the child insisted and started crying, big tears dripping from her blue eyes and running slowly down her feverish cheeks.

"I know that I said that," she admitted and pulled her daughter onto her lap to soothe her. Before the damn furnace went out and I still had the money, she thought. "Hey, maybe Santa just delivered it wrong and once he realizes his mistake he will bring you your doll," she added.

"Maybe," Rory sniffed.

"Will you take care of the rooster meanwhile?" she asked the disappointed girl and wiped the tears away.

"Yeah, otherwise he'll be alone and I don't want that," Rory said and rubbed her face against Lorelai's blouse. "Maybe he wished to come to me and that's why he is here?" she asked suddenly and looked up at Lorelai.

"I guess you're right," Lorelai nodded, relieved that Rory didn't seem as disappointed now. However she was still disappointed with herself. What kind of mother was she if she wasn't able to buy her daughter a thirty dollar doll for Christmas and keep her warm at night so she wouldn't catch a cold?

You are not a bad mother, the Luke voice pulled her out of her own memory and she shook her head to clear it.

"Ok, mom, I have to go, I still have to finish my essay," Rory said and didn't sound as depressed anymore.

"Bye babe, take care and don't worry too much," she smiled.

"Bye mom. Love you," Rory replied.

"Love you, too," Lorelai said and hung up. She kept the phone in her hand and stared off into space for a moment, the memory of one of the low points in her career as a mother was still having an effect on her.

You should have come to me. I would have fixed the furnace and you could have bought the doll for Rory, miniature Luke said softly.

"We didn't know each other back then, Luke," she smiled. "But thanks for the offer".

Anytime.

After the call from Rory she ate some Chinese leftovers she found in the fridge, horrifying miniature Luke and then she watched some sitcom that was on, just because she was too lazy to change the channel. She was also too lazy to sit up and answer the phone when it rang, although it was just lying on the table in front of her.

"Lorelai, this is your mother. Would you please pick up the phone?" Emily Gilmore's voice echoed through the room and Lorelai let out a relieved sigh that she hadn't picked it up. There was silence for a moment and then Emily continued. "I just wanted to let you know that we will have guests on Friday night so please don't wear any of these obscene shirts and do your hair for once. Oh, and be on time. See you on Friday, Lorelai," Emily finished and the machine beeped.

Lorelai groaned and sunk further into the pillows of the couch, annoyed by her mother's tone. The exact tone that she had hated even as a small child.

"Lorelai! Stop twirling immediately. Everyone in this room can see your underwear. Sit down, put your hands on the table and stop fidgeting," an embarrassed and young Emily Gilmore said to her four year old daughter. They were at a charity function, the first one of the DAR that Emily attended and Lorelai just wouldn't behave. She was bored and tired of sitting still, so she had started to twirl around. It made the skirt of her dress fly up and Emily hadn't really cared until she had noticed the looks that the other women were giving her and her daughter.

"My ear hurts mommy," Lorelai cried and tugged repeatedly on her ears, as if it would make the pain disappear.

"I know, but soon it will all be better. You just have to take your medicine," Emily replied and stroked her daughter's sweaty forehead.

"Emily are you ready, can we go?" Richard Gilmore asked from the doorway of his daughter's room.

"She's still not better, Richard," Emily replied and looked worriedly at her daughter.

"The nanny will take good care of her," Richard replied.

"I really would prefer to stay home," Emily sighed.

"Trix will not tolerate you hiding in the nursery. We are already late Emily, so please get ready," Richard said and went away. With a heavy sigh Emily got off her daughter's bed.

"Mommy, my ears hurt," Lorelai started wailing again when she realized that her mother would leave.

"Then take your medicine and stop crying Lorelai. I don't have time for this now," Emily replied harshly and then hurried out of the room.

She loves you, you know, Luke commented on her memories.

"Stop looking at my memories," she replied, because she didn't want to talk about it. She knew that her mother loved her, but she couldn't understand why the opinion of others was always more important than she was.

Then stop thinking about it, it's not like I have a choice, the Luke voice replied.

"This is personal and even if you see it you should at least keep your mouth shut and not comment on it," she replied angrily. She wasn't really angry because of his comment, but because those memories still hurt and it hurt that nothing had changed over the years when it came to the relationship between her and her mother. It hurt and she didn't like it when people saw her that vulnerable.

"Ok, maybe you should go to bed then, we're both tired anyway so why are we still watching that crap," he asked.

"Don't tell me what to do! I can still decide for myself when I am tired," she grumped, but got off the couch, switched the TV off and went upstairs.

Lorelai was crying in her sleep early the next morning. Not because of her mother, but because of a nightmare she had.

"You could take that damn thing off when you visit someone in hospital," William said to Luke and jerked his chin in the direction of the cap Luke was wearing. William was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to several machines and IVs, while Luke sat on a chair beside the bed. It was an argument they had nearly every day, so Luke just sighed and took it off. "Another haircut wouldn't hurt," William went on. He was always lecturing Luke about small things when he was annoyed with him about something bigger. He knew that Luke was lying about the store and Luke knew that his father knew he was lying about the store, but it was just too hard to face the problem.

"Who is at the store now?" William asked breaking the silence that had dragged on.

"No one, I closed it for the morning," Luke replied honestly and rubbed his eyed tiredly.

"You shouldn't close the store for too long, it's not good for business," William said and sounded really tired.

"I know, but I have to drive over to see Buddy, he is goings to help me with the tax," Luke replied and sounded apologetic. He hated disappointing his father and it hurt him to see him so weak. The old William would have ranted about the tax and then done it himself, but now he was lying in bed, hooked up to machines and was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open.

"Then you'd better go. The sooner you're done, the sooner you can open the store again. It's all we have left," William replied and closed his eyes.

"Ok, see you tomorrow dad," Luke replied, giving his father's hand a manly squeeze and left the hospital.

That had been the last time Luke had seen his father alive.

Suddenly the scene changed and it was Luke lying in the bed and she was sitting on the chair beside him.

"No," she gasped when she woke up with a start. Where had that dream been coming from? The pain that Luke had felt back then had hit her full force in her sleep. When she was finally able to think clearly after a few minutes, her own pain took over, the pain that she felt because Luke had suffered like this.

Seeing Luke in the bed did not only sadden her, but let her panic.

Why were they even fighting? Why was she stupid enough to let such a fight get between them? Luke was her friend, and she cared about him, a lot, judging by the pain that was still taking her breath away. She needed to see him, needed to talk to him, needed to know that he was ok; healthy and happy.

She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands, wiping the last moisture on her cheeks way before she turned her head and looked at the alarm-clock beside her bed. It was nearly seven o'clock and she knew that the diner was already open.

She needed to talk to Luke, she couldn't stand this anymore. If he couldn't help her to get the voice and his memories out of her head, then who could?

She jumped out of bed, hopped in the first pair of jeans she found, took a pullover from the chair and ran the brush three times through her hair before she was out of the door and on her way to the diner. The Luke voice was unusually quiet and didn't say anything at all.

She entered and didn't bother sitting down.

"Where is Luke?" she asked Kirk, who was the only customer.

"Back there, he told me to call if someone else comes in," he said before he started yelling Luke's name. A second later Luke appeared and looked shocked at first when he saw her, but then he smiled slightly and looked… relieved.

"Can we talk?" she asked him and was on her way to his apartment upstairs before he had a chance to answer.

TBC