AN: thanks to all my lovely readers and expecially my reviewers. sorry if this chapter starts a little slow, but i love the ending...hopefully that didn't sound conceited? sorry! Enjoy:

The door banged open and Sirius, James, and other various members of the Order of the Phoenix spilled into the dimly lit room, large grins on their faces. Remus pushed the thoughts of Lily to the back of his head and beamed happily at the triumphantly returning party.

"Where's Pete?" Sirius asked, after slapping his friend heartily on the back.

"Went to see his Mother. Apparently she's not well again."

The two friends raised their eyebrows significantly at each other but said nothing. They were both in agreement that Peter should have never joined the Order. He was too cowardly to actually do anything. Whenever a mission came up in which his presence was requested, he invented some lame excuse about his sick mother and disappeared for a few days. Realistically, his mother should have been very dead by now.

Remus nodded to James as he ambled over, his eyes searching the crowded room. "When I agreed to be your friend, James, I never realised quite what I'd have to do for you."

James laughed and scratched the back of his head embarrassedly. "Y'know I'd do it for you, Moony," he joked then wrinkled his nose. "Actually, no I wouldn't."

Remus laughed as well. "Fair enough. It was fairly disgusting. I couldn't believe how a child so small could smell quite so much."

"Ok, enough," Sirius said, feeling slightly queasy at the thought of Remus changing James' nappy. "We never discuss this ever again, agreed?"

"Agreed," both boys said in unison, and laughed, as Sirius sauntered off, looking slightly green.

"Where's Lily?" James asked casually, studying a fingernail, and attempting a calm and collected look. "Dumbledore said she got back alright."

"She's upstairs somewhere."

"Right." James started for the door, but Remus grabbed his shoulder. "Prongs, she's…well, she's a bit…"

James just nodded. "I need to see her."

"Maybe Sarah and Eleanor should go up first?" Remus suggested, indicating Lily's two best friends, talking excitedly to Kingsley Shacklebolt while warming themselves by the fire.

"No," James said firmly. "I have as much right as they do to talk to her. More so, given last night."

Remus shrugged and watched James leave the room, hoping that he wouldn't be quite so...James, when talking to her.

---

Lily stood in one of the numerous guest rooms on the Potter estate, commonly known as Godric's Hollow. James' great-great-great grandfather, or something like that, had been Godric, and apparently he'd built this place with his bare hands. Personally, Lily believed a wand and a few dozen house elves had helped considerably, but that made the story a fair bit less romantic.

Lily didn't exactly consider herself to be romantic. She tended to follow her head rather than her heart, and she was most certainly a pessimist. Well, that's what Sarah and Eleanor told her; Lily liked to believe she was more of a realist. Her reasoning was, if you didn't get your hopes up, then you wouldn't be disappointed. It didn't really seem to work though as she was disappointed rather a lot.

The fog outside was beginning to evaporate as the sun rose above the horizon, turning the sky a beautiful periwinkle blue. Lily hadn't seen a day like this in months, and it made her smile slightly. It seemed the Dementors had retreated for the time being. It wouldn't last long, but for now it was something.

For the first time, Lily realised that what she'd done had actually had an effect on the war. A noticeable effect. Did that mean she was a fighter now? A warrior?

It sounded stupid, but maybe it was true. As a fighter, there were so many things to know: she needed to know that she had what it took, that she wouldn't crack under pressure and that she could carry out tasks. Had to know how to take care of the people, other witches and wizards... and even how to take care of each other. And eventually she'd have to figure out how to take care of herself. She had to know all of these things if she was to be a true fighter…a true warrior. But as a human being…sometimes it was better to stay in the dark. because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope. Because this war was going to be long and bloody, and odds were, she wouldn't survive. She knew that. It was just simple mathematics: probability said she wouldn't survive. James wouldn't survive…Remus, Eleanor, Sarah, even Sirius…maybe it was best not to think about it.

She had to stop reasoning. Stop following her head all of the time, and once in a while, listen to her heart…be optimistic, have dreams and hopes. She had to stop thinking about death, because at least that way, she'd still have hope. Hope of survival.

Someone knocked on the door, and she would have been stupid not to expect it. She didn't answer, but heard the door creak slowly open anyway. She knew who it was without even turning around; James' presence could fill an entire room, and she knew it was him. She knew he'd walk over to her silently, wrap his arms around her and pretend everything was okay between them, and for once, she really didn't want that. So instead she turned around.

He'd crossed the room and was only a few paces behind her.

"You look old," she said, smiling weakly at him.

"Mm, I feel it. My joints hurt." They stood in silence for a few seconds as he took in her bizarre appearance. She was wearing his clothes: old, greying robes, a shirt which hung down to mid-thigh, and the material of his favourite boxers peeking out underneath. Her hair was mussed and tied back into a messy pony tail, a smudge of dirt crossed her forehead, and James could see some forgotten dried blood on her chin. Without thinking, he licked his thumb and wiped the blood off of her, then blushed as she grimaced and pulled away.

"I think I might try and get some sleep," Lily commented, diverting her eyes from his face and scratching her nose awkwardly.

"I might do the same," he said, also not looking at her. "My bedroom's just down the hall if you need anything."

"Thank you," Lily said quietly, then watched him as he left the room. She took off the robes and boxers and slipped under the heavy blankets of the large four poster, and waited for sleep to wash over her. It didn't come for a long time, and when she finally did drift off, she slept badly, barely dozing, and dreamt of cold red eyes and smoke.

---

Lily woke with a start. Late afternoon sun filtered in through the windows. Her head ringing, she wondered what had woken her, until she heard it again. Someone…screaming. She threw the covers off of her and leapt out of bed, wrenched the door open and streaked down the hallway. The scream came from behind a closed door at the end of the corridor and she pushed it open, fearing what lay behind it.

The room was darkened, the curtains pulled closed, and Lily could just about make out a large bed standing to her left. The moaning was certainly coming from that, and she didn't need her sight to know who was lying in it. Lily closed the door behind her and, without knowing why she did it, turned the key in the lock. She then crossed to the bed, quickening her step as the boy gave another guttural groan then cried out, thrashing under the covers.

She crawled nimbly onto the bed and slipped underneath the heavy blankets, pulling the tossing form of James to her, holding him like he was a child, his head pressed to her chest and her fingers entwined in his thick hair. Lily could feel his hot tears soaking into her shirt, and she hushed him softly, running a hand up and down his back, until he began to stir, and Lily could sense the sleep and dreams leave him.

"Shh," she muttered again as he struggled momentarily against her, then quietened and lay still, clinging desperately to her. "It was just a dream, it wasn't real."

"It felt real," he argued, attempting to push the grotesque images from his head.

"It's okay now," Lily said comfortingly, then, feeling daring, she added, "I'm fine."

He half-laughed, his face still pressed against her, and asked, "Who said I was dreaming about you?"

Lily just shrugged and gradually released him. "You always dream about me."

"True," James commented, pulling back from her and wiping his face clean of lingering tears. He sat up slowly, stretching his aching muscles. They hurt quite a bit: it wasn't fun, stretching and shrinking five times one's normal size.

"You're hurt," Lily noted, cautiously touching a gash on James' chest. Then a dull flush rose in her cheeks, as she realised he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, and she only his shirt and thin cotton knickers. It was almost ironic: she wondered if she'd left her boxers on, maybe now he wouldn't be wearing anything at all. Feeling dull, her mind working slowly, she shook her head to clear it.

James' finger underneath her chin brought her back to reality. He gently, yet forcefully, lifted her face to his, her eyes meeting hazel ones, and smiled at her.

"I want you." It wasn't exactly a request, nor a demand, more a simple statement requiring no answer. As she did not feel compelled to reply, Lily sat in silence, her eyes flicking back and forth between his. She wished he'd let go of her: she couldn't think when his skin touched hers. "What are you afraid of?"

This time Lily did feel compelled to speak. She felt indignation rise in her chest as she said, "I'm not afraid. And certainly not of you."

James shook his head causing his mussed hair to fall into his eyes. He pushed it back and smiled sadly at her. "That's not true. You are afraid. Why?"

Lily still said nothing, but wrenched her gaze away from his eyes. He had a way of pulling her in. Hypnotising her. And she didn't like it.

James sighed and moved closer to her on the bed, so their faces were barely a hair's width away. Lily could feel his sweet, hot breath on her face, and adamantly refused to look up into those intoxicating eyes of his. "I want to make you feel again."

Her head snapped up at these words, two pink spots of anger burning in her cheeks. "Who says I don't feel?"

"I can see it in your eyes," he replied with a small, sad shrug. "You're numb. And it kills me a little bit."

"I'm not numb, I'm…" she searched for the right words, feeling her throat burning. "I'm…cold…and uncaring…and…"

James placed his thumb over her lips and shook his head. "No," he breathed.

"I've become this shell of a person. I can't even remember how to feel, how to care, how to…to love."

"Then let me show you."

"No! You deserve better."

"I couldn't find better, even if I wanted it."

Lily was almost frantic now, gulping down sobs. "You deserve someone else, someone whole."

"I want you," James said, cupping her face in his hands, his nose almost touching hers, his eyes penetrating hers. "Stop denying the inevitable, Lily."

Denial. For so long, that had been her key to survival. Denying she was tired, denying she was afraid…and, of course, denying she was in denial. Only seeing what she wanted to see, only believing what she wanted to believe. She'd been lying to herself for so long, her lies had started to seem like the truth, and she'd lost touch with her true emotions. She'd lost touch with feelings and sensations. She was numb. She'd denied so much that she could no longer recognise the truth…the truth right in front of her face.

"Lils?"

And sometimes reality would jump out of nowhere. The dam would burst, and all she could do now was swim.

"You're crying, my tiger-lily."

After all, she could only lie to herself for so long. She was tired, she was scared, and denying it didn't change the truth. It just covered it up. Sooner or later, she had to put aside her denial.

"Shh, Lily, it'll be okay now."

They had to face the world. Heads on. Wands blazing. The dam had broken, and an ocean flooded forward. And James was there, the only one to stop her from drowning in it.

Hot tears leaked out of the corners of those famous emerald eyes, spilled down pale cheeks, and splashed onto the bare shoulders of a boy who had promised to love her seven years ago, and had yet to break that promise.

AN: (IMPORTANT!) hello, ok, so i actually have a fair bit more to this chapter which I've written, but the thing is, it's...erm...definatley rated M. so, what I think I'm going to do is post it as another story, or maybe you could just send me a message and I'll email it to you. Please review and tell me what you'd prefer! If you don't want to read it, that's cool, it's just fluffy and nice, but has no plot details, so don't worry, you won't really miss out (on the story i mean; your life will be lacking from now on, but at least you'll understand the plot ;o) ).

next chap should be up soon-ish, i've started writing it. Please please review and tell me what you think so far! next chapter will have a huuuuuuge surprise :o). hehe should be fun. anyway, thanks! xxx (oh and let me know if you prefer longer or shorter chapters please)