I can't tell you how sorry I am that it took me so long to update. However, I will not hand over my stories, especially not to the person who requested it.

Thanks to Grizzly for beta-ing.

Thanks to the FFmers who had to listen to my frustrated whining.

And one last question, since I've been searching and haven't found anything decent so far: Can anyone recomend a "Once and Again" FF with a normal Rick/Lilie pairing. Most I found here were about J/K or E/G and I'm into neither of those pairings.

Chapter 5: Anger

Luke shut the door quietly behind him as he entered his own apartment into which Lorelai had stormed seconds before. He glanced around the one room apartment and found her standing by the window opposite his bed, with her arms crossed defensively in front of her chest. She pretended to be looking out onto the street, but he didn't believe for a second that she was really interested in what was going on out there. He couldn't really concentrate on her body language though because the voice in his head had started talking again.

"Wow, I mean, oh my god. Luke I don't know….I never… I didn't know," she stuttered and he wished that she would just shut up and leave him alone, and that's what he told her by thinking it. He had always wondered if Lorelai just pretended that she didn't know how he felt about her, or if she was really that oblivious. Now he knew the answer, because by her surprise the voice in his head made it clear that Lorelai really didn't know.

There had been moments, sometimes only a second, when he had thought she must know. The tension had been so thick in the room and he thought he had seen the flicker of awareness in her eyes. However, now here was the answer he had feared. Lorelai didn't know that he loved her, because she had never even considered him as more than a platonic friend, who poured her coffee and kept her house from crumbling down.

When the anger welled up inside of him, the voice was drowned out by his own thoughts, and for the first time since she had appeared he was able to shut her up by sheer willpower. His feelings of anger and hurt were so much stronger than her recognition and surprise. The happiness he had felt earlier when he had seen her in the diner was replaced by hurt now, and he couldn't believe how much it hurt. All the time, even when she had presented him to new boyfriends, even when she had been engaged to the teacher, he had had hope. The hope that one day she would see him and consider him, open her eyes and realize that they could have so much more than this friendship. However her reaction showed him clearly that she had never considered him as her partner, and never would.

Luke was no longer able to differentiate between the voice in his head and the real Lorelai who was standing a few feet away from him. At that second they were one person, and for him the Lorelai in front of him knew what he was feeling for her and had rejected him. The rational part of him was just as erased as Lorelai's voice in his head, and the thing that consumed him was hurt.

He had been rejected by women several times in his life, starting with his first kiss when he had been ten. He had kissed Beth who had been two years older than him, and she had pushed him away and then had told the teacher Mrs. Bailes about it. He had been given a detention and a long and embarrassing talk with his father. William had wanted to know why he had done that and the only answer he'd had, was that he wanted to. He had wanted to know what it would be like to kiss her.

Every time Rachel had left it felt like she was rejecting him, letting him down because he was not enough, not what she really wanted and needed. He had tried to be someone else, he had tried to be who she wanted him to be, but it hadn't worked out.

His relationship with Nicole had just been another failed attempt at a relationship, and in the near future that would be official when he got his divorce papers.

Especially his relationship with Rachel had left him scarred and- he had thought- prepared for what would come. However now that Lorelai was obviously rejecting the mere idea of them being a couple by simply not considering it, he could tell that he had not been prepared for that blow.

It hurt; it physically hurt him to digest this new situation. His stomach felt cramped, his chest burned and his heart literally ached. He, Luke Danes would never be the man for Lorelai Gilmore, not even an option.

"What do you want to talk about?" he barked when he found his voice again. His voice sounded distorted even to his own ears, but he couldn't help it because he had to force the words out.

Lorelai turned her head to look at him. The frantic expression was replaced by a puzzled one. It didn't occur to Luke though, that she didn't know why he was suddenly angry; that she couldn't know.

"You have to fix this, because it's driving me insane," she told him because it was the only thing she could think about. He had to fix this, so that this voice would go away, along with all those memories that she couldn't stand. She gesticulated between them as she spoke, and when she had finished, she let her arms hang limply at her sides.

"Fix what?" he asked and crossed his arms in front of his chest, placed one foot slightly in front of the other and raised his chin a bit.

"This… us," she cried out in frustration.

"There is no us," he replied and his voice became quieter, somehow dangerous.

"I know that there is no us like that, but there is an us as friends. At least, I thought we were friends, and now we are not speaking anymore. It's been days Luke, days! Just because of some stupid fight. I am here to tell you that I forgive you and give you the chance to fix this. Everything will be like it was before," she said.

"Oh really? How generous of you to forgive me. After all, you were the one who started this thing," he replied defensively. He not only wanted her voice gone, right now he wanted her to leave his apartment, and maybe even his life. He knew that if they made up and he still saw her every day, he would probably never get over her. He could forgive her, but he could never forget his feelings for her, because they were in a turmoil every time he saw her.

"Are you still saying I was trying to kiss you?" she gaped at him. She flinched suddenly when his voice in her head laughed quietly "You were going to kiss me and we both know it" and then she insisted "I was not going to kiss you." She only realized that she had said it aloud when the real life Luke snorted. That together with the cocky smile she could see the "in her head" Luke wearing made her angry. She felt helpless and she hated feeling helpless. What did he want from her? Did he want her to admit that yes, she had wanted to kiss him that night? She couldn't do that because it would mean letting her defenses down, and that had always resulted in her getting hurt. Also she remembered his reaction directly after the incident when he had yelled at her "I am married". She knew that his marriage was over, because that's what "getting a divorce" means, but still she had wondered if maybe he didn't want to get divorced because he was still in love with Nicole.

"Like hell you were," he exploded. "First you try to kiss me while I am still asleep, then you deny it when I catch you, and afterwards you pass judgment on my marriage, before you throw me out of your house! And now you come here and tell me you forgive me? Are you cracked? I didn't do a damn thing, nada, rien, nichts. I don't need your approval of my marriage or divorce; I don't need it on my clothes or my eating habits. I don't care if you like my toothpaste or the time I get up every morning. And stay away from my memories, because I don't want you to know about the most private moments of my life, because I know at one point or another you will throw it back in my face by mocking them or passing judgment on them," he yelled and was breathless by the time he finished his rant. Lorelai didn't pick up on the fact that he was once again combining the real Lorelai and the Lorelai voice in his head. It didn't even occur to her that he could have the same problem that she had, she was simply too angry to pay attention to the small details.

"You accuse me of passing judgment? You criticized me for getting pregnant at sixteen. I never thought that one day you would use that to hurt me. I thought we were friends. I thought you knew me better than that. And then you yell at me like I threw myself at you and you should consider a restraining order. What if I had actually kissed you? What would you have done? Slapped me in the face and washed your mouth with soap?" Lorelai yelled back, but her voice didn't sound as steady as she wanted it to be. Luke stared at her but he didn't answer her question.

"I am not too far off, huh" she added aggressively and shook her head. "I want my life back Luke! I can't stand this anymore. I want you out of my head!" she cried desperately, pointing to her head with her index fingers. Lorelai really had no idea how far off she was, because she too had succeeded in drowning out the Luke voice with her emotions.

Luke didn't need to think about the answer to her question. He knew exactly what he would have done if she had really kissed him. He would have kissed her back without doubt. He would have wrapped his arms around her; he would have given into the temptation for once, and would have played with her long brown hair.

What really stunned him was her comment about him being in her head. Did she mean that literally? Was he just as much in her head as she was in his? Did she hear his voice? Was he seeing her memories and listening to her thoughts? For the first time since they had entered his apartment he looked her in the eyes and hoped to see something in them. He nearly expected to see a miniature Luke in those blue orbs of hers, waving at him. He didn't see gnome Luke, but something surely was different. He couldn't tell at first and took a step towards her. His anger was overshadowed by curiosity now. He knew Lorelai's eyes very well because he had gazed into them so often and they haunted him in his sleep. He knew they were darker when she was angry or deliriously happy. He knew they were light blue when she was sad. They seemed small when she was tired or distressed and when she laughed they sparkled in various shades of blue.

He was but an arm's length away when he knew what was different. She had dark sparkles in her eyes all of a sudden. He wrinkled his forehead and wondered if maybe he had just never noticed them before.

Lorelai stood still watching him, and wondered what he was doing. He looked into her eyes like he was searching something in there. She saw when he wrinkled his forehead in confusion and kept her eyes locked with his. She wasn't aware that her anger had melted away while he looked at her, but she realized at one point that she felt whole again. It was like he had the missing part of her and gave it back to her while he gazed into her eyes.

"Jeez!" Luke exclaimed when he realized in whose eyes he was looking and stepped back. That snapped Lorelai out of her daze and before he could react she had bolted from his apartment and stood out on the street gasping for air.

The feeling was back, but this time she was sure. When she had left Luke's apartment, when he had broken the eye contact she had felt it. She felt the connection break and her soul ripped into two parts again. He had kept one. He owned it now, and she didn't know how to get it back.

Suddenly she felt strangely comforted by the persistent presence of the Luke voice in her head. If her own soul wasn't whole, she had a part of his at least.

Luke had similar thoughts while he was standing in his apartment, an aching in his chest that made it hard to breathe. He had felt the rupture as well when he had broken eye contact. However he couldn't stand looking at her while she had his eyes.

TBC