Sonic Insanity
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So Sonic was home from the hospital, in fine form and even finer Shadow-criticizing spirits. The only sign that he had ever been in a hospital was a large spiked crutch he carried around at all times. This was often used as a disciplinary item when Shadow started to write emo poetry about his lost CDs or when Tails was being annoying. When there was work to be done, however, Sonic would mysteriously start to lean on the crutch quite a bit and moan about various aches and pains. Pretty soon everyone was suffering "aches and pains" from Sonic's unnecessarily spiked crutch and his abuse, so Shadow took the opportunity to buy himself a crutch with a flamethrower in the end of it. Knuckles purchased a walker with tank treads and bazookas. Tails, absolutely infuriated by the damage they were doing too each other and the house, stormed up to them in one of his high-powered machines while they were having a fight. (Wow, what a long first paragraph!)
The fight slowly stopped as everyone looked at Tails, who was in a machine with the same firepower capacity as the average Air Force hangar. Knuckles' walker slowly pulled to a halt. Sonic stopped the swing of his spiked crutch. Shadow stopped shooting jets of flame, quickly kicked Sonic in his… um… happy place, and stood at attention. Everyone tried to ignore Sonic screeching in pain and indignation.
"All right, turn in the crutches!" shouted Tails. "If you're going to interrupt my peace and quiet, you can at least do it with your fists like usual!"
"Why should we?" asked Knuckles. A huge number of weapons appeared all over Tails' machine. "Oh, fine." He angrily shoved the walker over at Tails, who incinerated it with a blast of flames.
"All right, here," said Shadow angrily. As soon as he gave up the flame thrower, Sonic hit him with the spiked crutch, threw him through a wall, and then kicked Tails out of the machine. Tails landed on Knuckles. As Shadow emerged from the remains of the wall, dusty and coughing, Sonic pulled out an enormous amount of plain sugar out of the machine's glove compartment and began to chug it.
Shadow and Knuckles both turned to Tails for an explanation.
"I had to lock it away so you wouldn't get at it!" explained Tails. Nobody believed him. "OK, fine, I only eat a little bit every day… about half a bag or so! That's not too much… right?"
"Tails, you're an idiot," spat Shadow, while Knuckles sincerely hoped that Sonic wasn't thinking about the many things that the echidna had done to his trophy case in Mobius City Hall.
"We have to go stop him!" declared Shadow. "Who knows what he's up to by now… we'll have to perform an exorcism. Tails, get the candles and incense… oh, forget it, it's not like anyone even knows what the hell you use in an exorcism anyway… we'll just bring him back here and do it."
They all hopped onto several horses, pulled out lassos, and went charging off after Sonic.
It's been a while since we heard anything from Eggman, so here we go… well, we saw him last chapter, so never mind. Eggman, using his army of robots, had gained access to a large trough filled with sodium, which was being guarded for some reason. Pulling out a large amount of chloride, he began to chemically combine the two.
"All right, what's the idiotic plan this time?" snarled Metal Sonic, approaching.
"Sodium and chloride are both deadly in their unfiltered form," said Eggman, his mustache standing on end from concentration. "When combined, they form a compound very similar to salt in appearance… but since it is made of such lethal elements, it is deadly. We can disguise it as salt, sell it to everyone, and then they'll all die!"
Metal Sonic was silent for an entire minute and a half. Then he kicked a wall so hard that it fell over on top of half of Eggman's army. "YOU IDIOT! Sodium and chloride mixed isn't just similar to salt… IT IS SALT! Lord, why was I cursed with such an ignoramus as a master… I hope somebody's gotten my ad…"
Far away, Darth Vader picked up the morning paper, looked in the classified section, and read:
Robotic Hedgehog seeks World Domination-Fixated Maniac for master-servant relationship. Must enjoy robotic armies, video games, and aromatherapy. Call Metal Sonic at 555-1234.
Back to Sonic. The crazed hedgehog was eating more and more sugar, slowly turning completely insane. After having reduced a good city block to wasteland, he went storming off to downtown, where he was sure to inflict even more havoc. Stomping down several buildings, while Shadow, Tails and Knuckles uselessly tried to lasso him, he finally made it to the center of town. Unfortunately enough, GUN was waiting for him.
"Sonic!" yelled Knuckles.
"Tails," muttered Shadow, preparing a command.
"Knuckles?" asked Tails.
"Shadow?" Amy wondered.
"AMY?" roared Sonic, severely enraged. "What have they done to you? They're trying to kill you! My sweet Amy…" The sugar had changed him, indeed. His machine somehow growing arms, he picked up Amy and began to run across town.
"Oh, great," complained Shadow. "My girl will fall for Sonic in a heartbeat! We're going to have to get him."
"Don't worry," said Tails. "I have a government ID pass." He turned to some GUN official. "I am Commander John Doe, and my friends and I need some airplanes to take down this menace…"
"John Doe?" asked Knuckles sarcastically as they flew biplanes around, looking for Sonic. "Why didn't you just name him John Q. Everybody?"
"Already taken," said Tails. "Hey, look, there he is!" At the sight of the planes, Sonic began to climb up the Empire State Building, setting Amy down and trying to fight off the planes. He knocked Tails out of the sky, but the fox just flew away from the wreckage. Finally Shadow and Knuckles shot his machine until it slowly fell off the building. Sonic fell out of it and landed on Jennifer Lopez, who was lying facedown in a sunbathing chair. He bounced off her enormous behind, flew fifty feet into the air, and fell through the hole in his roof where the CDs had come through.
Sonic, miraculously still alive, ran off, looking for something. Knuckles, Shadow and Tails all arrived.
"Where'd he go?" roared Shadow. "We shot him down!"
"No…" said Knuckles. "It was booty killed the beast."
"Shut up! He ran off that way!" yelled Tails, following a set of bear tracks that led in no apparent direction. They followed these because they're idiots.
Sonic was in need of something to keep him high. As he ran past a wheelbarrow full of sugar (dismissing it as a dirty laundry hamper full of banana peels) a missile blasted him off his feet. Enraged, he turned around to see Eggman.
"Ho, ho, ho!" chuckled the fat one. "With you out of the way, nothing can stop my sodium chloride takeover!"
Sonic could see only one thing: a trough full of white powder. It could only be one thing, thought Sonic excitedly; sugar, cocaine or both! No wait, that was seven things. His pre-K brain struggling through this simple math problem, Sonic gave up and ran toward the "sugar," dodging missiles. He casually flicked Eggman through a field goal that just happened to be there and deeply inhaled the salt. His eyes rolling in pain (ugh, I ate 7 packets of salt once. It was awful), Sonic vomited all over everything, then passed out. Shadow, Tails and Knuckles, wearing thigh-length rubber boots, picked up Sonic and, none too gently, bounced him off the street like a basketball until they reached the house.
"Well," said Tails, "what should we do for the exorcism?"
"Well," said Shadow, seeing an amazing opportunity, "since you were the one who allowed the sugar demons into Sonic, you must be the sacrificial fox."
"WHAT?" roared Tails. "Forget it! I'm not sacrificing my-"
"Knuckles," commanded Shadow, "go get several types of paint… some feathers, beads… some other stuff." Knuckles, grinning widely, went for these.
Within the course of an hour, Tails was painted with small letters meaning 'your mom' jokes in Arabic and Latin, wearing an ornamental feather headband, blindfolded, bound and gagged, and dressed in a "ceremonial dress." The fox irritably picked at the lace and doilies all over the pink dress and scowled thunderously. After Knuckles had taken several "exorcizing photographs" of Tails in the dress, and after Knuckles and his camera had suffered a beating the likes of which had never been seen, and after Tails stumbled out of his dress, they set out to humiliate Sonic.
First, a large five-pointed star was painted on the wall, and Sonic was tied to the wall at that point. He was painted, feathered, dressed up, and generally embarrassed beyond belief. Tails was horrified to think of what would happen when Sonic woke up. Finally Shadow pulled a big book out of nowhere labeled The Big Ol' Almanac Dictionary Book-Type Thing of Summoning, Exorcizing and Knowledge on Demons. Just before they began, he frowned.
"What?" said Tails.
"Here it says we need to sacrifice a virgin," said Shadow in confusion. "If we sacrifice faker over there, we'll kill him… I'm not a virgin, presumably Knuckles isn't…"
They both looked at Tails.
"Well, little buddy," said Knuckles happily, "looks like you'll get your chance to be sacrificed after all."
"NO!" roared Tails. "Forget it!" He jumped for an exit, but Shadow threw a cactus at the fleeing fox. Tails fell over, and Shadow went in for the kill…
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Ooh, suspenseful. Will Tails be sacrificed? Can Sonic ever be exorcized? Where did the cactus come from? Review please.