Sonic Insanity
To molly-mouse616: Although I could do with the worship, along with the intense satisfaction I would get from Amy dying, I wrote this chapter before I got your review. Maybe another time.
The story has been drawing plenty of new reviewers. The aforementioned molly-mouse616, Tucker's Mayflower, Chaotix Extremist, Prisca-Angel, kingdomhearts soar, and Carnage Canine all came pretty recently, joining veterans like uhyeahitsteamdark, Justin Time and Tweedle Dumbass.
Thanks to an unnamed reviewer for discovering my name. I have modified the chapter to hide it and will delete the review if possible (sorry, gotta protect my anonymity!)
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"Amy's kidnapped!" cried Shadow. "We have to go save her!"
"Hey, that's my line!" objected Tails.
"It's no use," Sonic said almost sadly, shaking his head sorrowfully and trying to cover up his smile. "She's already dead… we can't do anything. I'm sorry I let you all down."
With looks of disgust, Shadow and Knuckles sped off toward Eggman's huge ship, which was flying away. Tails picked Sonic up by the quills and flew away.
"HEY! You were supposed to talk me into it through a complex motivational speech!" bellowed Sonic.
"I didn't have to!" shouted Tails.
…
"Thanks for ruining my quills! They'll be ruined for my date tomorrow!" Sonic roared.
"Awww, I hope your date doesn't leave you because of them, FAKER!" roared Shadow from below.
"Your MOM left you because of them! OH! Dis…respect!" Sonic began trying to dance in midair. Tails dropped him and Sonic fell onto the Egg Whatever that Amy was stored in.
"Sonic!" Amy squealed from inside. "Help me!"
"Um…" Sonic looked frantically for something to distract him from Amy. "Hey Eggman! What's this machine called?"
"The Egg Popcorn Popper!" came the answer. "Which is what you're about to become!"
Sonic protested that this didn't make any sense, but a ton of robots came out of a hatch toward Sonic. He began to kick them off the Egg Popcorn Popper, particularly toward the chasing Shadow and Knuckles. Once all the robots were gone, Sonic sat there in a beach chair, making rude insults at Shadow and Knuckles on the ground below and throwing pieces of the machine that he was prying off at them.
Shadow became so angry that he jumped into the air, doing a massive homing attack off of each piece of debris. He turned Dark Shadow and confronted Sonic. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?"
"Um… look behind you?"
"That one won't work on me, faker!" screamed Shadow, his eyes bloodshot and his fists clenched so tightly that the bones were cracking. "Prepare to d- OOF!" Sonic had pried the trapdoor to Amy's cell off and threw it at Shadow. Just as Shadow recovered, Amy came flying out and hit Shadow. "Why, of all the- OUCH!" Shadow fell off the machine and bounced off of it a good seventeen to eighteen times before landing on Knuckles. They had a huge fight. Tails put his head in his hands but, unable to see where he was going with his eyes covered, he hit the cactus (yes, I got a lot of reviews about this) mentioned in Chapter 22 and fell into Shadow and Knuckles. The fight immediately turned into a big smoke cloud with various heads, arms, legs, tails and skirts sticking out. Sonic was laughing his head off, but then Amy kissed him full on the lips. "ARRRRRRGH!" roared everyone's favorite blue hedgehog as his least favorite pink hedgehog attacked him. Sonic kicked her off and she fell into the big smoke cloud fight. He began to crack up until he turned blue. He was only slightly distracted by an enormous flamethrower, which popped up in front of him. Sonic kicked it off of its robotic support arm, caught it in midair, and began to spray flames into the smoke cloud fight. It broke up, leaving Sonic in what some would call a sticky situation.
"Um…"
Knuckles sharpened his fist spikes on a balloon.
"Er…"
Out of Tails' hands popped several thousand guns.
"Well, you see…"
Amy's Piko Piko Hammer sprung out.
"It was…"
Shadow looked absolutely enraged beyond all belief.
"The cat," finished Sonic.
All four of these people began to try to climb up the side of the Egg Popcorn Popper. Sonic threw a French fry at Amy, and it slid down her throat.
"OH NO!" she shrieked. Her thighs and belly ballooned to an obese size. The Egg Popcorn Popper was crushed under her weight, along with Shadow, Knuckles and Tails. Amy slowly shrank down to real size, Eggman ran away with his usual excuses, and Sonic was given all sorts of rewards by the press.
Or did he?
As a matter of fact, he did… DUN DUN DUN!
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I'm sorry to cut this short, but here is the awards ceremony!
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Mecha Scorpion was lounging around in a large easy chair, wearing a hat at a jaunty angle and dipping his feet in a large hot tub. In the hot tub were several ladies, which Shadow was eying enviously.
"Man oh man, I wish one of those ladies was mine!" he said grumpily.
"All right!" said Mecha, and Amy and Rouge were also in the hot tub. Shadow and Knuckles were furious, but their girlfriends quickly disappeared.
"All right, and it's the Schoolyard Gang!" Mecha announced. "Fat Sonic… Surly Pants Shadow… Stinky Bottom Knuckles… and Whiny Jessica!"
"IT'S TAILS!"
"SURLY PANTS?"
"FAT?"
"STINKY BOTTOM?"
"Did I stutter?" said Mecha Scorpion, appearing exceptionally dangerous with a baseball bat in his hands. "All right, since not enough people voted, we will be hosting the first voter, Tweedle Dumbass!"
Tweedle Dumbass appeared, a pudgy, fat little dwarf with thinning red hair, red pants pulled up to his chin, and a large blue bow tie.
"What do you call this?" he roared at Mecha, plucking his bow tie. "We're supposed to be cool!"
"Stop speaking with the royal we!" snapped Mecha. "Since I don't know what you look like, and you appear how I imagine you, and your name is based off of a short little Disney character…"
"All right, I get it!" Tweedle relented, sitting in the hot tub and throwing Mecha's feet out of it. They sprayed water all over Tails.
"Now, for winner of the best pop album of the year- that's an oxymoron, by the way, best pop album," said Sonic, attempting to make this a joke. Mecha cleared his throat impatiently. "Oh yeah, it's Mariah "Offered Over 30 Million Dollars To Quit the Business" Carey!" The high-voiced pop artist walked up to Sonic, who would be interviewing her.
"So, Mariah, how is it that you sound so high-voiced?" asked Sonic.
"Oh, that's not me!" she said in an extremely low baritone. "I just find small chipmunks and force-feed them helium! It works like a charm!"
"Yeah, sure," Sonic muttered. "Why are you so fixated on writing about your old relationship in your song? And why do you have rappers feature on your album? Is it just to go along with your black heritage and interest the black teenage market?"
"About the first question- I actually wrote all my songs the day after we broke up, so not only do I get to be lazy for the rest of my life, but I get millions of dollars from a day of work! Boy, I deserve none of that money!"
"I quite agree," Sonic said seriously. "How about the second question?"
"Yes to that. I'm hoping that I'll be able to see young black men driving around playing "We Belong Together" along with Mike Jones and 50 Cent!"
Sonic began to crack up until he choked. Mariah, blissfully unaware that she had done anything wrong, hung around uncertainly until Tweedle Dumbass karate-chopped her into the distance.
"Now, for best rap album is Eminem: Curtain Call!" said Mecha Scorpion, which Tails would be hosting. The rapper came out.
"So, Eminem, will you be doing your European concert tour?"
"No… did you hear I was getting married to Kim again?"
"Yeah, what a turn around. Anyway, is this the end of your career? After an album called Encore, you make a Greatest Hits collection?"
"No… now I'll write songs of how happy I am with Kim. Did I tell you about how-"
"Yes, you did. So who are you inspired by for your music?"
"I dunno… I guess Tupac, and Biggie… also, all those G-Unit rappers. Man, they're great, especially Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo! Also, my wife-"
"Cut the crap, Shady, we know you just have Dr. Dre and 50 Cent feature to make you seem like you're not the weirdest thing that ever happened to rap," Tails said. "And I swear if you mention your wife again, I'll pop you."
Eminem, visibly frightened, shrank down.
"So what's with the focus on the stage in your latest album artwork and titles?" asked Tails.
There was a long silence.
"OK, nobody cares," said Mecha. "Now, Shadow will be hosting best rock album… Hypnotize/Mezmerize by SYSTEM OF A DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR? WELCOME TO THE SOLDIER SIDE! BANANA TERRACOTTA TERRACOTTA PIE! I'M ON THE VIDEO WITH DANNY AND LISA! THEY'RE TRYING TO BUILD A PRISON! YOU AND ME SHOULD GO OUTSIDE AND WE'LL BEATEMBEATEMBEATEMBEATEMBEATEMBEATEM!" This went on with no sign of stopping within a week. Tweedle Dumbass hit him over the head. "Take it, Shadow."
Serj Tankian, the God of Everything, and the rest of his band sat down. "So, System of a Down, what's your concert tour plan?"
"Well," said Serj, in the Most Awesome Voice Ever, which meant he screamed like Chester Bennington, spoke as nasally as Jonathan Davis, and bellowed like a black bear, all while his voice fluctuated from high to low like who knows what, "we're planning on releasing all our greatest songs ever on one CD, and then we'll do a concert after that. The concert will play right in front of Mecha Scorpion's house all the time-"
With this, Mecha began to twitch psychotically.
"What are these great songs?" said Shadow.
"Well, there's Chop Suey, Soldier Side, Radio/Video, Revenga, Aerials, Hypnotize, Psycho, Holy Mountains…" With each mention, Mecha began to twitch even more. "And, once Daron helps us write lyrics for 10,000 more songs, we're kicking him out of the band and putting out a talent search!"
Mecha Scorpion began to quiver with joy.
"The ad we have now reads, "Wanted: 14-Year-Old Fanfiction-Writing Boy, Must Worship Our Band. Will Teach How To Read and Play Music. No Requirements-"
"I CAN DIE HAPPY!" screamed Mecha, ripping through six straightjackets that Sonic had forced on him.
"Oh yeah, and since our hot European supermodel girlfriends just ditched us, we'll let him have them," said the drummer, Jon. Mecha's eyes rolled up in his head, which ended once System of a Down left.
"All right, and now Knuckles will host Kanye West for best single this year!" announced Mecha. Kanye West showed up.
"Hi," said Knuckles.
"Hi," said Kanye.
…
…
…
"OK, this is awkward." Kanye left.
"And now, for the moment your mothers have all been waiting for… best musical taste of the year goes to me!" Mecha roared. Tweedle interviewed him.
"So, how do you formulate your amazingly good taste in music?" asked Tweedle.
"Well, you see, some people like bands just to fit in, or to fit in with their stereotype," said Mecha. "This would explain why My Chemical Romance is still around. But I listen to music I like! Now, Shadow's taste in music is just terrible, nothing else to it. So is Amy and… well, Knuckles' is OK. But my friend… ACH PATOOEY!" Mecha began coughing as if he were about to hack up a lung. "Man… if you're reading this-"
"OK, that will do," said Knuckles concernedly. "Um…. Tune in next time?"
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