Author's Note: I know we were all crying at the end of last chapter, but I swear it gets better for everyone. PS – Maybe I seem obsessed today and honestly, I probably am, but its been boring so I decided to try to catch up with reviews and responding to people. Luv ya. XoXo
I showed up in a skin tight, all black suit that James had bought me for New Years Eve in L.A. with my biggest black shades and a pair of black converses that he always said he loved on me as I walked up the long, green stretch of grass to the outside covering. The Funeral was a weird mix of ex-friends, out –and-proud LGBT people, and Diamond Family members who weren't against attending a gay person's funeral. To say the least, it was a strange bunch there and even more awkward was the fact that I was being treated like a widow. It went so far as that I was stood next to the Diamonds to greet mourning people. I was forced to realize that I was the only true connection James had to anyone. I knew him better than his family knew him apparently, and they had decided to remind themselves of that every moment they kept me with them. It was weird, but I think Mrs. Diamond considered me her son now. She was treating me like I was all she had left and the world and when she held me, all I could do was cry. And so she would cry. And we would sob on each other as Jo did everything she could to calm me down. The Funeral mass felt a little forced because the Priest obviously didn't want to do it, but James's family pretty much owned the church. Donate enough and you can own the house of god apparently. I was asked to give the eulogy instead of any family members by Mr. Diamond, who was now asking me to call him Frank. I stepped up to the podium and looked around at the crowd nervously, not really sure how to start, but finally I decided to say how I really felt. I was in as much pain as everyone else and the difference was, they were giving me the chance to voice it. To be real.
"Most of you know that me and James weren't just friends. By no means did I feel, just friendly towards him. To be honest, I don't care how you feel about me or who I am. I know who I am and James knew who he was. James was gay and he was about at gay as they came and you have to know I loved to tease him for it," I smirked, looking up at no one in particular as I continued, "I'm a five-foot-seven, petite teen and yet James turned out to be the flaming one and even though he contained it well, it was still there. Though in truth, I'm not all that much more masculine. But he never tried to put up a façade around me because somehow, he knew we were meant to be together. It took a long time for James to show me this, to teach me to love him, but when I finally could, I realized that he was the most amazing person I'd ever met. I mean, I guess I knew that the whole time - he was so dynamic and amazing, but loving him was what it took to fully appreciate him. He was gentle and kind, but he never would ever let anyone insult me. He made that clear. For some reason, James thought that I was the most innocent thing he'd ever seen. Maybe that's why he loved me like he did, but it's too late to ask him now. He's gone and no matter how much I wish I could wake up and turn around and see him next to me, I can't. He'll never be with me again and that kills me. I want to die with him not here because losing him is like losing a big piece of myself. My heart. But when I feel like giving up, I think about what James would say. How he'd find a way to slip Bambi in a conversation and then tell me that he wasn't my world. That I had other people to love and take care for and it would be selfish to leave them all now. I loved him like an illness really. He occupied every realm of my very existence, that's why I don't know if I can even believe he's dead. Because by him being dead, it means half of me is dead. There are feelings that I'll never have again because he's not here to stir me up of make me feel incredible. Instead, some asses decided to kill him to prove a point and in the process, have helped kill me. I don't know if I'll ever love again, because James Diamond was the only person I know to have true, undying love for things. His passion in his pursuit of anything he cared about inspired me beyond words. There is a big part of the world that will die with him today. There is talent that will never be cultivated or discovered, and I feel bad for every single person out there that that can make a difference for. So for all those who knew James. Were his friends or family. Know that if you rejected him for being himself, you missed out on the most amazing person to every exist in this life, but all of you who accepted and loved him for who he was, you know just how much of a free and beautiful spirit James was," I had kept myself from crying the whole time, but I couldn't hold the flood gates any longer, "I, Logan Mitchell, have …. and will always love,*choke* love, you, James Diamond." I didn't say amen or end with a prayer; I just walked away from the podium back to the seat next to James's mother, crying softly as Jo did he best to put me back into one piece, but it was no use. James was an integral part of me.
But now, we were in the cemetery about to lay him to rest forever. And it hit me like a train right now as I watched the Priest put the last – prayers I guess- on James before letting everyone come see him one last time before they closed the casket and put in the ground. The wind was whipping against my head, which slightly hurt because it was Minnesota, brisk wind, but it didn't stop my tears. My hair was in dishevel for all the times I ran my wet, tear ridden fingers through it. I couldn't believe that somehow, last night honestly really happened. Never again would I have James Diamond by my side. Never again could I run my fingers through his luscious hair or curl up next to him while we watched some corny, romantic comedy. I'd never have my perfect diamond to hold me. I was about to fall apart when Mrs. Diamond patted my arm before rapping hers around my shoulders and guiding me to the casket to say one last final good-bye. He was so serene in his death bed and it made it worse. I just started to cry again, even harder than before as myself and Mrs. Diamond bent down and kissed him on the cold, make-up covered cheek.
"I love you," I said to James corpse, "And as long as I live, I will always love you," it was hard to make the words come out, but his mom helped me along as I gave him a second kiss and ruined some of his blush with a tear, but I had one last thing to do. I put an identical, rainbow colored bear in James's hand before blowing him one last kiss while walking away. The one he had given me that special night I still had. It was my most precious possession, but I felt he needed one to. Sad this was how he'd have to get it. I continued to cry as everyone passed and the Priest said the final words and the casket was closed and lowered into the ground. My sobs were loudest when this happened and my chest heaved so hard that I was having trouble breathing. Then I felt warm arms rap themselves around me tightly and pull me toward them. Jo silently rocked me, singing me our song, the same song we sang the night of the rape, which in a sick way made me kind of happy. The fucker who killed him was Earl. The dip-shits who hurt Jo were Earl. And a hearty good-bye to all the Earls on this earth that decided to hurt innocent people. But it didn't mean it was any easier to accept that James was gone forever. It just made it disappear for a moment. The Funeral service was over and we were all to go back to the reception, but I pulled Mrs. Diamond aside with Jo next to me.
"Can I request something a little *choke* rude," I started.
"What is it darling," Mrs. Diamond said back, treating me like her own little child.
"Can I go home, I don't want to deal with this anymore," I responded, holding myself together as best I could.
"Only if you let Kendall and Carlos take you home, hun," she said kindly before giving me a kiss on the cheek and walking away. Kendall and Carlos came up from behind her and guided myself and Jo to the beaten up car. I had instructed Jo earlier that morning that she was not to leave my side the whole day in case something happened and we weren't together. I wouldn't lose Jo too. I'd have to die first. Kendall opened the passenger door for me, but I turned him down, taking the seat next to Jo in the back seat. It was an older car with worn leather seats and a very retro feel. Still, it didn't matter. What mattered was that I wasn't alone. We sat in the car in complete silence, no one daring to break it as we pulled into my house's drive-way. I had suspected that Camille would stay for the reception, but getting home and knowing she wasn't there made it crystal clear that Jo and myself, plus the two other guys, were the only ones home. And even that scared me. They had beaten me up on the first day, what would stop them from taking the opportunity now. Nothing. But I didn't care; not even in the slightest. If they killed me at that moment, I don't think I would have felt anything, I was so numb to the world. The boys helped me to my room when Kendall noticed the doll on my dresser.
"I had no idea you were a Blondie fan," he started, examining the doll thoroughly as he turned the box front to back. "You don't come off as a punk rock fan really."
"I *choke* didn't either, but something about *choke* her style and attitude, it's *sob* iconic," I tried to say back.
"I'm absolutely syched for their new album that's coming out in summer, are you," Kendall said back, still staring at the Barbie in enamorment.
"Wow," I giggled a little, but it's hard to laugh while sobbing, "I said I liked her style, I'm not *choke* obsessed." I kinda smirked on the last word, but that didn't last long.
"Hey," he responded back, "I'm not the one with the Debbie Harry lead singer Barbie am I," he flashed a toothy smile at me.
"James," I started, but I had trouble saying it.
"James got it for him for Christmas," Jo finished, reading the pain on my face, "on the back of the box, James had attached plane tickets for them to go to L.A. for a week."
He gave me a sheepish look back, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-."
"Jo," I tried to say politely, and he immediately shut up "could you take Carlos to the living room, I need to *choke* talk to Kendall in private." She shook her head no, but I looked at her with pleading eyes and she agreed, grasping my hand in a passing touch, leading Carlos out my room door as fast as she could. I looked back at Kendall, "Where the hell have *sob* you been?"
"Wow, that's a way to start a conversation," Kendall retorted, still not looking me in the eyes.
"Don't play *choke* cat and mouse with me, you started *sob*, stuff at the mall and then disappeared the next day."
"I realized something."
"And what would that *choke* be, that you regretted sleeping with me more, or that it just never *choke* happened."
"I realized that I might have feelings for you."
"Oh," I started, "Not this shit. Not right *choke* after James is dead. Not after your reputation and what you do and how you feel and -."
"I've changed," he said, finally looking towards me.
"What the hell do you mean *sob*, changed"
"I left for therapy, but after what happened, I felt best to go to it in my Aunt's town," he began, "you were right, I needed help and so I found it. I got a psychologist and therapist to try to get over my problems with being … gay. It was hard to admit at first because for so long I'd blame all of my problems on the fact that being gay even happened. The doctor helped me realize that my problem was my way of thinking, not everyone else. I went through anger management classes to learn how to not explode and hurt people when I get mad. I learned to love myself. Part of my therapy was to listen to music, and my doctor gave me a Blondie C.D." He looked me in the eye and pointed at the doll that was still in his hands, "So seeing this was refreshing. It reminds me that everyone is different and that's incredible and amazing. That I'm different and incredible and amazing. And that no one deserves to be punished for embracing that in themselves."
"I still don't *Choke* trust you," I said firmly.
"I didn't except you to," Kendall said back calmly, "but I have every intention to gain that trust from you."
"It'll never happen."
"It won't will it."
"Yup *choke*, never again."
"Not even if I do this," he pressed play and the C.D. player boomed out the last song I had been listening to. "Madonna and a Boom Box. Really," he said, smiling again, "A little retro are weee…."He had just noticed that I had nodded off. "Well, I don't think he'll mind if I do this," he climbed into my bed and cuddled with me, getting under the blankets I had been clenching to myself, never realizing I was awake, slightly smiling the whole time. Maybe one day I could have some kind of happiness again. Maybe this was James telling me to love again.