Sonic Insanity

This chapter's going to be a little different from most of them… please review.

SONIC IN WONDERLAND

CREDITS

Sonic as Alice

Eggman as the Queen of Hearts (the gender will be changed, trust me)

Eggman's Robots as the Cards

Cream as the White Rabbit

Mecha Scorpion as Tweedle Dee

Tweedle Dumbass as Tweedle Dum (yes, he will stop featuring in this story after this)

Big as the Cheshire Cat

Shadow as the Caterpillar

Knuckles as the Dodo

Tails as Dinah the Cat

Espio as the March Hare

Vector as the Mad Hatter

Charmy as the Dormouse

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"Oh, living in paradise is so terrible!" whined Sonic, sitting up in a tree with his faithful pet Tails. "I only wish I could go away to a fantasy land full of preposterous nightmare creatures and certain death around every corner! Oh, if only you could understand me, Tails…"

"I can understand you," spat Tails.

"Oh, I wish I understood you," Sonic swooned. "In my dream world, you would talk just like a person…"

"I AM A PERSON! YOU JUST PUT A COLLAR AROUND MY NECK AND TREAT ME LIKE SOME SORT OF DOG!" screamed Tails at the top of his lungs.

Sonic said nothing, seeing as the guy holding the cue cards had run away. After a very awkward silence, Sonic cleared his throat.

"In my fantasy land… there would be chilidogs on every bus stop!" he said grandly. "Oh yeah, and maybe there would be world peace or something… but the important thing is the chilidogs."

"Oh no!" squeaked a rabbit, wearing a skirt and holding a watch. "I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!"

Tails drooled. "I've never seen a rabbit with a skirt before… I'll have to see her without it as well! I wouldn't mind being at that date…"

"Well, what do you know, a talking rabbit!" exclaimed Sonic. "I'll go investigate. Tails, my faithful, silent, stupid pet, you can just play with the dandelions." Sonic ran after the rabbit, leaving Tails frothing at the mouth with anger.

Sonic followed the rabbit into a rabbit hole. "Hmmm… maybe she's hitting a rave or something. They're usually in dark enclosed spaces like- AHWOOGA!" Sonic began to fall down what seemed to be a huge tunnel. "Where could I be?" A light turned on, revealing a large sign: ABANDONED ELEVATOR SHAFT.

Sonic, angry over how little sense this made, landed very safely on a pile of conveniently placed debris. The rabbit was disappearing through a door.

"Hey, cutie, I'll make you late anytime!" called Sonic. She ignored him, the door slamming after her. "Crud! I'll never get her." To shorten a very long scene, Sonic sat down and began to cry and cry until the room filled up with his tears. He then floated inside of a giant bottle through the keyhole in the door, where he found himself in a giant ocean.

Nearby was floating a red echidna, seated on top of a fish with a bird flapping its wings furiously behind him while pushing him with its head. Knuckles (for of course it was he) was singing a tuneful, enchanting little ditty as he made his way for land.

"Oh, a loser's life is the life for me,

I'll insult anyone that I happen to see

But I never ever wanna

Make a joke about your mama

Cause your mama never wants to do a thing for me!"

Sonic, red hot with anger, jumped out of the bottle and onto Knuckles. The two of them rolled onto dry land, which was basically a beach with a high rock near the tide line. Knuckles eventually kicked Sonic away, jumped onto the rock, and whistled. Immediately a large number of creatures began running in a circle around the rock.

"Come on, come on, join the Raucous Race!" he called. "One and all, all and none, come join the Raucous Race! Perfect for getting dry!"

Sonic temporarily set aside his differences with the insulting Knuckles and began to run around the rock. Eventually a wave crashed down on all of them, except for Knuckles, who was too high on the rock for the wave to hit him. The echidna was warming himself in front of a campfire.

"I'm not getting any less wet!" yelled Sonic. "What's the point?" Another wave crashed on them.

"Oh, nonsense, I'm dry already," cried Knuckles.

Sonic, absolutely enraged by Knuckles' selfishness, jumped onto the rock, but Knuckles just threw him down. It was then that Sonic caught sight of the rabbit.

"Oh no!" she squeaked. "The Queen will be furious! I have to be there!"

"The QUEEN?" said Sonic. "Hot diggity dog! Another chick! This is just getting better and better!" He ran after the rabbit, blissfully unaware of the Queen's real gender, and eventually found himself in a forest, looking for the rabbit. Little did he know that two fanfiction authors were talking him… Mecha Scorpion and Tweedle Dumbass! The two authors cracked identical evil grins as they approached…

"Oh! I didn't see you there!" said Sonic. Normally he would have been more rude, but something about Mecha Scorpion made him a little nervous.

"Come on, hang out with us!" insisted Tweedle Dumbass. "We'll play video games and play video games and maybe even go on the Internet if we're feeling energetic!" The two authors bounced off each other in completely ridiculous ways.

"Um… sorry, but I'm looking for a hot rabbit," said Sonic.

"CREAM? Ack hooey!" spat Mecha Scorpion. "I don't like video game chicks!"

"Well, I'm just curious is all," explained Sonic.

"Oh… curious. Tsk tsk," said Tweedle Dumbass with a huge grin. "You know who else was curious, Mecha?"

"Yes… the crocodiles were curious," said Mecha sadly. "Terrible shame, poor things."

"OOH! TELL ME TELL ME TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked Sonic.

"All right, calm down," said Mecha and Tweedle, who were naturally good at telling stores like this, seeing their fanfiction careers. "The story of the Australian and the Canadian!"

The set cleared to reveal a charming little beach, down which were strolling a fat, wealthy Australian and a dimwitted Canadian man.

"Man," said the Canadian, "all this sand is too foreign! I much prefer snow. We'll get rid of this quickly if you don't mind working."

The Australian, who was too rich and fat to do any work, shook his head. "WORK? Cough choke wheeze!" He took a long, lazy drag on his cheap Australian cigarette. "The time has come, my Communist friend, to talk of other things… of why the author tries to write poetic ramblings, and whether Dubya should be shot, or strangled with a string… calloo, callay, no work today, we're cabbages and kings!" The Canadian, for some reason, accepted this as a reasonable response, but the Australian was not done. Just for mentioning work, the Canadian was thrown into the sea, where he narrowly escaped some crocodiles. The Australian saw the gators and jumped.

"Crikey! What a prime opportunity!" he said. "These will be some formidable wrestling opponents… I've always loved fighting crocs!" The spirit of the Crocodile Hunter was strong in him. But instead of fighting them evenly, he decided to trick them into an unfair fight. Walking down into the water, which somehow allowed him to breathe and did not extinguish his cigarette, he spoke to the crocs.

"Crocodiles, come and eat with us! The day is nice and bright! A picnic lunch, a beachside brunch, will be a sure delight!"

"Yes," said the Canadian, "and if we get on each other's nerves, we might just have a fight!" The Australian threw him away.

The crocodiles, poor impressionable things that they were, decided this was a great idea, and they set out their lunch. The Australian ordered the Canadian to go build them an igloo to protect them from the sun, so he ran off to get a snow generator.

"Now," said the Australian, standing behind the crocodiles as they ate and cracking his knuckles, "the time has come, my scaly friends, to talk of other things… like boxing gloves and brutal fights and even wrestling…"

"We'll bang their heads together when we're in the boxing rings," the Canadian sang, lugging the snow generator. "Calloo, callay, we'll fight today like cabbages and kings!" When he was done setting up the generator, he opened his eyes. The crocodiles all had little stars around their heads and the Australian was hemming and hawing.

"Um… er… well… let me think… ah yes… the time has come!" And with that, he jumped onto a kangaroo and paddled away, while the enraged Canadian ran after him.

"And that is the story of the Australian and the Canadian," said Mecha Scorpion happily.

"OK, that's a terrible story, I'm out of here," said Sonic, who had actually thought it was very funny but didn't want to say so. He ran off before the lazy Mecha and Tweedle could catch up. Sonic soon caught sight of a charming little house. The rabbit ran out of it.

"I'll be late! I'll be late! Harriet!" she yelled at Sonic. "You're not doing anything! Fetch me my coat immediately! I'm late!"

Sonic decided not to hit on her. Maybe if he gave her the coat, she would be more grateful. Still, being confused with a housemaid… Sonic went upstairs, and decided to steal some of her underwear while he was at it. Then he grew huge for some reason. The rabbit was thrown out of the house.

"Oh, great," thought Sonic. "There goes my chances with her…"

The rabbit squealed in an excruciatingly obnoxious voice for help, and finally Knuckles showed up, still singing his 'your mama' song.

"Quite the tricky situation," he said. "Something will have to be done."

"What can we do?" screamed Cream, shattering glass everywhere with the pitch of her voice.

"Hmmm… what we need is…er… some guy with a ladder!" Very conveniently, a guy with a ladder showed up.

"Oh good!" said Knuckles happily. "Now, we'll just pull your monster out of the chimney and all will be good. Hey, Ladder Boy! Pull it out of the chimney!" The Ladder Boy tried, but Sonic just threw him out of the house through a wall.

"Hmmm… not good, not good at all…" murmured Knuckles, all while Cream shrieked and wailed about her house. "I know! This is what I specialize in. I'll insult it so much that its face will grow red, and in doing so, the house will burn down!" This was utterly ridiculous, but the rabbit seemed to accept it. Well, except for actually burning the house down.

"No!" she wailed. "Oh, my poor house…"

"Hey, Monster McGee! What's your lucky number?" yelled Knuckles.

"Um…" Some insult this was. "33?"

"Must be pretty lucky- it showed up on your IQ test!" Knuckles bellowed. Sonic was furious.

"Take that back or I'll-" he yelled.

"Or what? Don't do anything rash now, your etiquette school teacher wouldn't like it," Knuckles smirked.

Sonic, enraged beyond belief, shrunk for no reason and ran out of the house. He attempted to tackle Knuckles, but the echidna dodged it and Sonic went tumbling head over heels away. The rabbit, finally realizing she was late, made off.

Sonic, stumbling after the rabbit into yet another forest, quickly lost his way. He saw multicolored smoke emerging from a clearing, so he made his way toward it.

On a small mushroom sat Shadow the Hedgehog, using a hookah, cigars, cigarettes, cigarillos, pot, and every smoke-able substance every invented. Clearly stoned out of his mind, he was mindlessly reciting the alphabet, blowing smoke letters as he did so.

"A E I O U… E O I U A… O U I A E… I A E U O… U A I O E…" Shadow, his eyes blurred and bloodshot, gazed up at Sonic. "Who are you, man?" He blew smoke letters into Sonic's face as he did so.

"Did anyone ever tell you don't do drugs?" spat Sonic.

"Oh, sure they did, dude, but you can't trust what the Man tells you to do… so I'm doing this to rebel, friend," drawled Shadow. "Who are you?"

Sonic shook his head in disgust. "Who are you is what I should be asking!"

"It is not. Recite some random poem," Shadow mumbled.

"OK… um… how doth the little Charmy bee, improve-"

"Stop it, dude, that wasn't said corretically."

"What?"

"Correctically… correctictectally… crecticectomy… you know what I mean…"

"Correctly?"

"Yeah, that's it. Now here's the real poem. How doth the Vector crocodile improve his shining tail, and rub a washcloth on his back and over every scale. He loves his bathtub very much, as much as life itself, and always puts his bubble bath and soap up on the shelf."

"Um… OK, I never heard the Vector's Bath Time Edition before…"

"WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE!" Shadow went Dark Shadow and exploded. When the dust cleared, Shadow was gone. All that was left were his rocket shoes.

"By the way," said Shadow, flying away into Fan Girl Heaven/ Shadow Hell, "one side of the mushroom will make you short… one tall!"

"Mushrooms! I'm not doing any of your drugs!" spat Sonic. Shadow just flew away. Soon, girly cries of delight could be heard.

Sonic, absolutely furious with how his day was turning out, stomped off. Soon he was pretty much lost, and he soon saw a purple cat sitting in a tree, singing some random song.

"Oh, great, more nonsense-spewing animals," Sonic growled.

"Which way are you trying to go, little guy?" asked Big stupidly.

"LITTLE GUY- why, I oughta pull you down from there by your tail!" shouted Sonic. "I just want to get out of here. Oh yeah, and find the rabbit."

"Well, if you've lost a rabbit, I'd go to Espio and Vector," said Big. "They know all about such things, little guy! It's like having an insane search engine!"

"I don't want insane people!" roared Sonic.

"Too bad!" shouted Big, making his part very small by disappearing.

So Sonic, very upset, stomped off toward where the March Hare and Mad Hatter were. Who knows, maybe they wouldn't be completely insane. He could soon hear their voices…

"Fox News is the least biased news station ever!"

"Forget to remind of the time when noon strikes past three!"

"Charmy, shut up!"

Yes, they were obviously insane.

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Please leave a review! Part two of Sonic in Wonderland will come next chapter.

FUN FACT: This chapter was written in under a day!