Sonic Insanity

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"A MAJOR CONSOLE, MULTI-PLATFORM CURIOUS GEORGE VIDEOGAME?" screamed Sonic at the top of his lungs, pointing a finger dramatically at the computer screen. "I am OFFENDED! INSULTED! This is worse than the Charlie's Angel and Die Hard video games! I am ENRAGED! DISGUST-"

"Sonic, we're having an argument!" roared Shadow.

"Oh yeah."

"I'm better than you in every way, faker!" shouted Shadow as they faced each other across the battlefield. "I'm cooler, more mature, more athletic, better with the girls-"

"Yeah, quite the ladies man, you are, Shadow," said Sonic snidely.

Flashback time!

Shadow and some girl were watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

"Boy, Angelina Jolie's hot," he commented, causing his girlfriend to grind her teeth. She snuggled closer to him in an attempt to make him realize how hot SHE was.

"Do you think so?" she murmured.

"Yeah, I do," he said. "Much hotter than you, anyway." They watched the movie for a while, while the girl contemplated whether to storm out of the room or slap him. Shadow spoke up. "Wait… explain this to me."

"Yeah, baby?" she said, giving him another chance.

"Well, there's this organization of criminals, a big huge organization, but it only has women."

"Yeah?"

"So, does that mean that women accomplish the job better than men?"

"I guess…"

"Well," said Shadow, "how could fifty or sixty women succeed at what one man failed at?"

The girlfriend, seething at this sexism, stomped out of the room.

"Get back here!" shouted Shadow. "I want you to stay… please, stay!"

"Really?" said the girl, giving him one last chance.

"Yeah, I need someone to cook my steaks," Shadow said.

The girl, absolutely enraged, stomped off.

"Was it something I said?" wondered Shadow. "Ah well, I'm sure there's thousands of young fanfiction writers who will fill her position…"

End flashback!

"See what I mean?" sneered Sonic.

"Well," Shadow smirked, "I'm not the old married man you are, Sonic. If they can't put up with my adolescent angst and blatant sexism, there's always more to fill their place."

"Well, at least I know what commitment is!" roared Sonic.

"COMMITMENT?" bellowed Shadow. "Commitment? Who spent an entire game searching for his past? If that's not commitment, I don't know what is!"

"I know what's commitment," said Tails, typically showing up at the least opportune moment. "Diddy."

"You mean Puffy?" asked Sonic.

"You mean Puff Daddy?" asked Shadow.

"You mean P. Diddy?" asked Knuckles.

"Yes," Tails said. "Diddy's really committed to the rap game… he hasn't sold out in any way! It takes real gangsta skills to design clothes lines!" Knuckles, enraged by this limited understanding of rap, booted Tails away.

"Well, that confirms my previous position," concluded Sonic.

"What was that?"

"That Knuckles just wanted to be black, so he liked all black rap," explained Sonic. "Think about it- he doesn't like Fort Minor! That's white rap!"

"But he hates P. Diddy and he likes Eminem," objected Shadow.

"Well, Eminem also wants to be black, and P. Diddy isn't really black," said Sonic. "So, the only conclusion is, Knuckles is a poser white boy."

"ME? A poser white boy?" howled Knuckles. "The only person whiter than you is Tom Cruise! And the only person whiter than Tom Cruise is George Bush! And the only person whiter than George Bush… is Tails!"

"Hey!" protested Tails.

It looked like things were about to get dirty. Tails was angry at Knuckles, who was angry at Sonic, who was angry at Shadow, who was also angry at Sonic. Just before a convenient fight smoke cloud appeared, Morgan Freeman showed up with several penguins in tow.

"People, people," said Morgan Freeman. "If y'all could stop messing around, I'm sure you can learn a valuable lesson from these penguins."

"How?" asked Shadow suspiciously.

"For example, you! These penguins have loads of commitment! They journey across the Arctic for 70 miles and back, with little to no food for 4 months! But if you insult their commitment, they don't care, do they?" asked Morgan Freeman. "Hey, penguin, you don't know the meaning of hard work!"

The penguins just looked at him.

"See? They don't say anything!" Morgan Freeman said brightly.

"You know, penguins don't talk," said Shadow.

Morgan Freeman ignored this. "And you," he said, pointing to Knuckles and Tails, "these penguins are much whiter than you! But, if I said they were the whitest things I've ever seen, they wouldn't care!"

"That's because they know it's not true, because they have black AND white feathers," said Tails, but Morgan Freeman wasn't listening.

"All right," said Sonic grumpily, "well, I'm still upset at Shadow! How can your idiotic penguins teach me anything about that?"

"Easily," said Morgan Freeman. "You don't have any good reason to be upset at Shadow! You were the one who blew up his bedroom! Now, penguins are always mad at each other. The wives don't return with their food for a good couple of months! But, are they ever upset with their wives for starving them? No!"

"Actually, we hate it, but there aren't any domestic abuse committees for us," said one of the penguins.

Everyone stared.

"Er… I'll… just… um… go now," muttered the penguin, disappearing.

"Yeah, might be a good idea," said Morgan Freeman. "Go, little penguin… and bring these heroes THEIR DOOM!" Morgan Freeman ripped off his mask to reveal EGGMAN!

"Eggman!" they all chorused with shock.

"Time for my ultimate weapon to be revealed!" cackled Eggman.

"Weren't all your other weapons also 'ultimate?'" questioned Sonic.

"SHUT UP!" growled Eggman. "Wait til you see the destructive power of…. THE EGG PENGUIN!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Egg Penguin, eh? Review please!