The day was long, but I enjoyed it, down to the homework which Kendall came over to do with me, but he had other intentions than just doing school work.

"Hey, Logie Bear, you know I don't ask that much of you," he started while lying on the bed next to me with our books out.

"I cleaned your whole apartment the other day Kendall," I retorted, a little frustrated cause I really just wanted to do this.

"You asked to do that, I never did Bambi," he said, laying it on thick, "but I wanted to know if maybe I could stay over here a few nights so we wouldn't have to be apart. I could take you to and from school, that wouldn't be a problem."

"I have different clubs and activities than you do," I stated simply, trying to focus on my studies, "And you have Hockey you want to do with friends. I'd hate to intrude on that."

"You're my Boyfriend, it's not intrusion," he said, still staring at me, "but I get the feeling you don't want me too. How come?"

"It's just," I stuttered a little, "When your around, I always feel like, well, I mean, I feel a lot of pressure to get intimate with you and I'm not ready for that. Not at all."

"You're worried that you have to have sex sugar?" he said, giving me a quirked eyebrow.

"Um, yeah, kind of."

"What makes you think we have to have sex Logie."

"Nothing, it's just, I get kind of nervous about it."

"Why, we've done it before."

"Because I don't exactly remember my first time as clearly as you do; I was so drunk that night that it's all just a hazy blur of moans and ecstasy for me, but I don't have a clear picture of what I did to make it that way and so it scares me."

"You're trying to tell me that you're scared to have me over because you're worried that if we do it again, you won't be able to fulfill my needs."

"Well, when you put it like that, it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but, it just scares me."

"Look Logie, I would never force anything on you that you said you weren't ready for; I love you too much to do that. When the time comes and we're both sober and the passion's there, it'll happen, but for now, there's no pressure. I don't want to screw this up with you over a bone once in the while."

"Okay. You can stay over tonight, but if I act a little strange, don't get to angry with me. Sleeping with you on the weekends is much different than the week. I have, traditions." It was hard to explain, but during the week, sleep was sacred to me. My whole life, my family told me that true success came from education and so I studied hard and cared about school, even though my dream is to be a singer. If I'm going to do that, I don't want to be one of those Hollywood air heads; I want to be my own thing with no one else trying to stand in my way. So I took sleep serious and I knew Kendall well enough that that would be a challenge. He was - what do you say – rowdy at night, especially cause he thought he was hilarious right before he went to bed. I just don't have the heart to tell him otherwise. But I loved him and I could do this, if for anything just to make him happy.

"I don't give a damn what - traditions – you have Sugar, I just want to be with you, that's all I need," he said with a grin before kissing my cheek. I smiled a little, but still didn't look at him cause I was just starting to focus on the work again, and it was important. I had missed a lot of school lately and I couldn't fall behind; it just doesn't happen to me and I refuse to let this be my first time. He giggled a little to see my focus before shutting a few of his books and opening up a small novel. "What, I don't have to catch up like you do. I'm almost done, but you may want to keep working since you seem to have the ambition to finish tonight." I rolled my eyes when he said this because to be honest, I wasn't paying that much attention in the first place, but he's really loud when he slams his books. After an hour, Camille came in to get Kendall and I for dinner, but he met her at the door before she could say anything and shut it. I could kind of hear him say that I was studying really hard and to not bother me. She said something about dinner. Kendall said something about taking care of it. I really wasn't sure, but I knew I wasn't stopping for dinner. I was almost finished with all of Math and I was moving onto English/Lit which would be super quick. And luckily (I don't know how, maybe I was excused and they had decided not to tell me) I didn't miss any tests so, as soon as I finished catching up on the material, I was done and back with the rest of the class. And I know it's a little dorky, but that excited me. Plus, it meant I could focus on my extra-curriculars that I was ignoring; I wasn't exactly ready to star in a new play (maybe I'm getting ahead of myself), but I really do want to help in it. After even more time of working, bye nine o'clock I was done. I got out of bed quickly and stretched before running out of my door and into the kitchen. Everyone was done. Good, so I could make myself something and not have to explain why I seemed like a total bitch and ignored everyone during dinner. Immediately, I ran into the kitchen grabbing the supplies to make a sandwich and doing it as fast as I could because I was starving. I grabbed a diet coke and went back to the table alone, happy to just be ready to move on with school and not having to explain why I couldn't take tests. I loathed that most when I missed class because it just felt wrong for me. Now I could do anything. Anything but not choke at the site of Kendall. He looked absolutely amazing. He had just run back in the door as quietly as he could, but I had caught him before he could sneak onto the couch like nothing happened. I don't know why he thought he could get away with that either, I mean he was all sweaty and shirtless, and to my knowledge, that wasn't normal.

"Hey Kendall," I said as I took my last bite, startling him from his secretive haze.

"Oh, hey bunny," he said, coming towards me as I stood up to put my plate away. I was really hungry and the sight of Kendall all, Sporty and everything, caused me to kind of swallow the rest of it. He followed me back to the sink and as I started to wash the plate he, came up behind me and lightly started kissing my neck.

"Hey Adonis, why so frisky?" I tried to act like it wasn't hot, but I couldn't lie, it was great.

"I was at the hockey rink with Carlos," he whispered into my skin, "thinking about you the whole time."

"Didn't we have a talk about this earlier today Kendall," I said, turning into his wet chest as he pushed me harder into the sink. It was like some cheesy erotic film and I would not have sex on a counter; that was final.

"Yeah, but just the sight of you makes me all, tingly. Just let me enjoy this," he said, lightly sucking on my neck as I tilted me head and shut my eyes. His teeth started to make contact with the skin and I was dying not to laugh about fantasizing about Edward Cullen. I had a bit of a thing for Vampires after Twilight, and this was my first experience with this. He held me into place at my hips, biting my skin for a long time before I heard footsteps.

"Should we trust you two alone," Camille said chuckling as she came up to the sink with a glass, "or will we have to put a chastity belt on you."Kendall pulled off of my throat and looked back at her, slightly glaring, but killing it as soon as it came out. It seemed like tonight might turn into a long night and all I wanted to do was wind down to sleep. I never stayed up this late on a weeknight and so I was starting to get a little drowsy. My body alarm clock had that effect.

"I promise to be good," he said back with a grin, "But he just looked so cute at the table eating. I couldn't resist."

"That's the gayest thing I've heard all day," Camille said back, still smiling, "and I've spent the whole day with Carlos in Makeup. But, uh, Logan, you may want to go check your neck. You look like you've got a hickey."

"What's a hickey," I responded, my gaze as wide as I could make it because I was kind of nervous.

"Why don't you go see and find out," she said back laughing a little, "I'm sure Kendall would love to explain it to you."I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could with Kendall in tow as I swung in front of the mirror. From the way she was staring at me, I had a bad feeling at what it could be. I almost died when I saw it. A big, purple bruise on my neck; I started pawing at it, thinking that I could wipe it off, but to no avail. I was stuck with this hideous mark on my body and then I started to worry. My mom could think something happened or something like that. I was really nervous and just feigning for something to take my mind off of it. Then Kendall walked in, all shirtless and godly, laughing as I looked distressed and was breathing heavy. I had warned him about this kind of thing, and now look.

"Logie-Bear, you okay," he said, slowly coming towards me as I pursed my lips back at him, "you know you're cute when you're angry cause you have that super innocent look in your eyes."

"People are gonna think you hurt me," I said, still looking away.

"Over a hickey," he said quirking an eyebrow, "You're kidding right Bambi. Wait a second, you are kidding, right," he gave me that look that says 'are you serious?' and I knew I'd have to explain.

"James was my only boyfriend before you and, we never went deeper than a few passionate kisses here and there and from time to time, he would spoon with me, but that was it. To be honest, I really wanted to experience sex again after what happened the first time and thought that if it was with a different person, maybe it wouldn't be awkward. He was a fresh slate with me, but he always said no to my advances when I'd stay over at his house. He was a Romantic, I was a Romantic. So you having all this sexual tension is new for me.

He laughed a little before licking his lips, "So you're telling me that you tried to get all slutty with James, but with me your Mister Chastity. Am I not pretty enough."

"Kendall, don't go there," I said, still looking down, but this time I decided to sit on the bathroom sink so I could have some support. "That's a very sensitive topic for me. He was all I had when you left me here. And I just wanted to experience it again to learn what it was." He just wasn't taking this seriously.

"Am I not pretty enough," he said with a grin, "Or is it that I'm not a brunette." It was all starting to haunt me again; I needed Kendall to stop, to shut up.

"Please Kendall, I just don't want to talk about it anymore," I said, looking up and jumping off the Bathroom counter and starting to go towards the bedroom.

"I look pretty hot right now," he said, giggling this time, "What, I'm just trying to be vain incase you're into that." I couldn't take it any longer; I pushed him out of the way and jumped into my bed, tears forming as I hid my face under a pillow. Quickly he followed, but it was too late, he had done the damage, "Look Logan, I'm sorry, I was just kid-."

"No," I said in a soft voice, still hiding my face, "I treated James like shit because of how I felt about you and all he did was love me for it and as soon as I finally got over you and started to love him, he was taken away from me. Do you know what that's like to have someone that you have true, passionate love for snatched away from you for no good reason besides bigotry? And the worst part was, it's all my fault. I provoked the guys who killed him, and every day I wake up and have to deal with the fact that I stole someone away from this world who was beautiful and talented and caring. It makes it ten times harder to love you and even then, I'm not always convinced I'm ready. But you know what, it's your love; that care that you give me every single day that keeps me alive. Because, as soon as James died, I had made the decision to kill myself. I had made the decision to take my life right after the funeral just so no one else would suffer because of me and then you came along and screwed up all of my plans. You proved to me that I could live again. That I couldn't give up just cause of loss. And that's why it hurts so bad to talk about James. The things I did to him weren't fair, and yet he loved me like I was the greatest thing to ever happen in his life. And now I treat his memory like shit for loving you more than I could have ever loved him. That's why 'sorry' isn't enough." Kendall stared at me with eyes of glass before I finished.

"I don't know what to say," he said simply.

"Don't say anything. Just leave. Leave me alone to think," it hurt me to say this cause I knew I didn't mean it, but it hurt me more when he followed directions. He walked out the door quietly and didn't come back for the rest of the night. For a long time I expected him and just sat and watched the door until finally, I wiped my tears and laid down. I didn't turn the light off or change, I just fell asleep and I had that nightmare that I had every night I felt lonely. It was the nightmare I had my first night with Kendall, when I read the letter and was so conflicted on how to feel on everything. The nightmare was simply this, it was the fight they had the day after the party. The one in the mall where they were fighting over me, but in this dream reality, it ended differently. I hadn't come up with the idea to save James and Kendall and Kendall ended up stabbing James straight in the chest. And then James was gone and Kendall was taken away for murder and I had no one left. Jo was gone. Camille was gone. Everyone was gone but myself, and that really scared me. I woke up in a sweat like I always did during this nightmare, right before James is being buried. I stood up to clear my head; its obvious tomorrow is going to be a hard day for me. After a little pacing and changing into what I normally sleep in, I walked out of the room to go get a glass of water and that's when I almost tripped. I was a little flustered at first, but then I became frightened when the figure started to move. Kendall looked up at me from where he was asleep next to my door. I looked down and realized that it didn't matter what he said or did because I needed him at every moment. I had never shared those feelings with him, how could I blame him for just trying to lighten the mood of the situation. Yeah, he took it too far, but for some reason he always does that when he starts joking around at night. It was part of his charm.

Author's Note: I'm going to start Chapter 20 directly after this because originally, the opening to that chapter was part of this, but in the end, I decided to separate them to be able to focus on the story a little I decided to post both today even though I barely finished it, and i'm going to do that at the normal time with the dedication. I just couldn't stand the idea of one without the other. Weird right. Luv Ya. XoXo