I need to thank HollettLA for being incredibly patient and gracious with her time. She's helped me tremendously and thankfully, will continue to do so *jumps for joy*. Big, sloppy kiss to TheOtherBella for her lending her encouragement and skills to this and every chapter, thanks bb.

Lemony goodness time... but since this is B&B, I had to throw in some tough words, too.

I don't own, I just play.

Chapter 12, Lust for Life

EPOV

I couldn't get through the door fast enough.

I didn't think it was possible to be any harder, hornier, or desperate for her skin. The second we were through the apartment door, it was chaos. She threw off my mask. I pulled off my gloves. She undid her belt, I pulled off my shirt. She unbuckled my belt, I pulled on her dress. Neither of us were getting naked fast enough, though.

I growled in frustration, pushed her against the door and reached under her dress. My hands were met with delicate lace. I bet she looked amazing in that lace, but I was too desperate to stop and look. Instead, I grabbed and pulled. She sucked in a breath and cursed. Something about her cursing, something about her heat, something about my hand near her slit, triggered some wild instinct in me.

I ripped her panties and they slid down her leg, to the floor. The second I realized there was nothing stopping me, I thrust my fingers into her. Fuck, she was so goddamn wet. When her leg started rubbing up against my thigh, I pressed my still clothed erection into her. I knew she could feel me through the leather, because she moaned my name.

It wasn't how I wanted our first time to be. I didn't want to fuck her up against a door. I didn't want my pants and boxers around my knees. None of that fucking mattered while her leg was hitched over my hip, though. Certainly, none of it mattered as I slammed into her for the first time. Shit, the feeling of her around me... wet and hot - it was perfect. She was just as needy as I was, too. She moaned, she squealed, she fucking begged me to fuck her harder.

I wouldn't deny her anything ever again, so I fucked her harder.

The rational side of me knew I must have been hurting her, but the primal side, that beast that lingered deep within, wanted nothing more than to crash into her body, over and over again. When I felt the heel of her shoe dig into my ass cheek, it urged me on even more. She wanted me fucking her like some animal just as much as I wanted her. The sweat, the sounds, the uncontrollable wild thrusts that kept her upright against the door… we wanted, we needed it all.

"Come for me," she said.

"You first."

When I felt her fucking hand reach down and graze my dick with her fingers as I was slamming into her... I was a goner. She didn't have to ask again. Suddenly there were stars and everything went fuzzy. I came inside my beautiful girl, for the first time, and it was fucking epic. I'd never come so hard in my life. It left me breathless and weak. When I could see again, when the world came back into focus, Bella was staring at me.

"Don't move yet, please" she asked.

"Don't think I can yet, beautiful."

We stood there, against the door, me still inside her, for minutes or hours. When my legs began to cramp, I moved slowly. When I felt cool air on my dick, I regretted moving immediately. I wanted to be buried inside her again. I also realized that I had selfishly gotten off while she hadn't. Well that wasn't OK at all. I maneuvered out of my shoes, pants, and boxers. My legs were shaky, my arms were tired, my lungs still hadn't taken in enough of air, but, I reached down and gathered her into my arms. She threw her head back and laughed.

"What's so funny, beautiful?" I asked, as I walked her to the bedroom.

"Nothing. I just don't have any other reaction to give right now."

I walked her through the bedroom and into the bathroom. I lowered her to her feet in front of the bathtub. While she took off her shoes, dress, and bra, I started the water.

"Are joining me this time?"

"Yes."

When the tub was half full, I slipped in, and motioned for her to join me. She stepped in between my legs and lowered herself until she was leaning against me. Over her shoulder, I could see down to her stellar tits bobbing in the water. I reached around to hold them.

"You know, that's not how I pictured our first time."

"What did you imagine?"

"I was thinking of taking my time. Studying you - licking every curve. I wanted to make you come at least twice before I entered you."

"Mmm, tell me more."

I let my left hand travel down, past the water line, over her stomach, not stopping until I felt her curls below. She shifted higher up onto my body, giving me the access I wanted.

"I wanted to slip my fingers in you, slowly... like this." I let my pointer and middle finger dip inside. I was rewarded with a soft sigh.

"More, Edward."

"Anything for you, beautiful."

I let my fingers explore inside before I pulled them out and teased her clit. Gentle little strokes elicited tiny little moans and whimpers from her. I could feel her breaths against my chest, they got quicker and quicker the more I played.

When I whispered, "I want to make you come now," into her ear, she bucked her hips, creating tiny waves in the water around us.

"God, yes," she answered.

I felt her hand join mine. While she slipped her own fingers inside, I kept mine at her bundle, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing. She started wiggling, her ample, soft ass rubbing right up against my dick. As much as I willed it to behave, I couldn't help it from getting increasingly harder with every move she made. Still, I kept at it, touching and rubbing her. She stopped moving, her body started shaking, and her hands reached behind to grab onto my neck. That's when I knew she was coming for me.

Her thighs shut around my hand as she rode out her orgasm. My right hand, still on her breast, squeezed slightly as she came. There was nothing more erotic, ever. When her thighs opened and her body relaxed again, I started rubbing her again.

"No, please, too intense," she whined.

"Shhh, let me."

"Oh God!" She cried, as her body arched up.

"That's right, beautiful."

"Shit, shit, shit," she chanted.

I wouldn't let up, though. She was a tortured, twisting, mess around me. She even wiggled away from my hand once, but I found her clit again quickly and kept at my ministrations.

"Oh fuck, Edward!" she cried out.

Her whole body convulsed against me. My dick was rock-hard and desperate for her, but it was her turn for stars, not mine. She stilled, took in one large gulp of air, and relaxed against my body again.

"Amazing, so fucking amazing."

"I don't know why, but hearing you curse gets me all kinds of hot, beautiful."

"I can feel that," she said, as she pressed her ass into my poor, straining dick.

"Fuck, beautiful, careful."

"Let the water out, Edward."

"What?"

"Let. The. Water. Out."

I pulled the stopper and the water slowly started draining away. Bella wriggled and shifted until she was facing me, and sat on her knees. Gently, she grabbed my dick with her right hand and slowly, she started pumping. I watched as her hand moved up and down my length. The water level kept lowering until there were mere inches left. I felt air on my thighs and Bella stopped. I looked up at her with surprise, maybe just a little upset, too.

I had nothing to worry about.

Bella leaned over me on all fours. I watched as her head got closer and closer to my dick. There was a lick, right over the demon's head, at the top of my inner thigh tattoo. I hissed loudly and was shaking with anticipation over what she was about to do for me. When I felt her lips on my tip, I thought I'd blow my load right then. Instead, I willed myself to hold on, just a little longer.

Her lips passed further and further down my shaft. Every centimeter was a lesson in control. Bella sucking me, grazing my length with her teeth with every pass, her tongue swirling over my head before she started all over again, was agony of the best kind. I wasn't going to last long, a few more passes was all it was going to take. I felt the tip of my dick brush against something velvety, but firm... the back of her throat.

"Bella," I ground out, "sit up, I have to come."

She didn't.

I tried gently pulling at her hair, but she wouldn't budge. Her tongue swirled around my length and when she quickly bobbed up, then just as quickly lowered her head back down, my head brushed against the back of her throat again and I was done. My body took over as I came into her mouth, down her waiting throat. She didn't move until I was done. Her lips stayed clamped around my dick until my final spurt.

When she lifted her head and smiled at me, all I wanted to do was grab and ravish her, but my body wasn't ready for that... yet.

She stepped out of the tub, obviously proud of herself and started toweling off. I watched as she passed the towel over her arms, stomach, and tits. I watched as she bent over, exposing her kitty to me, and dragged the towel slowly up the back of her legs. I'm pretty sure I moaned, because she laughed. She left the towel on the floor when she was done and sashayed out of the bathroom leaving me woefully horny yet again.

I got up a few seconds later and toweled off. I hung up both of our towels and walked to the bedroom where Bella was nowhere to be found. I walked to the kitchen, she wasn't there, either.

"Bella," I yelled, a little confused as to where she was.

"In the hall," I heard her yell back.

I walked to the hall even more confused than before. When I got there though, my heart sank. She was there, in the hall, naked and lovely, but holding the phantom mask in her hand.

"So," she said, a smile on her face, "if you hadn't planned on coming to the costume party, why did you already have a costume, huh?" She winked at me.

"I... I can explain."

"Oh, I think I've figured it out already, hot stuff. She made her way to me.

On her toes, Bella wrapped her arms around my neck, and let the mask rest against my back.

"You were always planning on coming to the party, weren't you?" She whispered seductively in my ear.

I had a choice: be honest, or live the lie for a while longer. There was no way she would want to stay with me when she heard the truth. It was so fucking tempting to lie, to let her believe that I was better than I was. We had just indulged in each other's bodies and I wanted so much more of that. The truth was sure to ruin everything. But, I couldn't lie to her. I told myself I wouldn't deny her anything any more and I meant it.

"No, I had no intention of going to that party until Emmett called me."

"Emmett called you?"

"He told me you were looking amazing, hot actually. He said you were looking all pouty and sexy and that some douche-bag was taking advantage of it. The second he hung up, I knew I had been an idiot and I just had to get you. I couldn't bear the thought of some other guy touching you, or even looking at you in that costume."

"So you came to claim me like some caveman?" She asked, releasing herself from my neck.

"Yes. You're my girl and I should have been there with you. I should have been getting you drinks, not the douche-in-tights."

And... She laughed.

"Did you just call James a douche-in-tights?" She made out between breaths.

"Yes?"

I was so fucking confused.

"Oh, that's priceless!" She kept on laughing.

"So, you're not mad?"

"Oh, I was," she started, and calmed down some, "and sad, and annoyed," she calmed down some more, "but, the second you showed up and called me your girlfriend, I was too happy to care anymore."

"Well, damn."

"Plus, you made it up to me a couple of times over tonight."

"God, how did I get so lucky?"

"I've told you before; you're charming when you're not yelling."

"Let's go to bed, beautiful," I said, and put out my hand for her.

"You still haven't told me about the mask," she reminded me, waving the dreaded thing in my face.

"Right... the mask. You thirsty?"

"Yes, but you're stalling."

"Water first, OK?"

"OK," she said, following me to the kitchen.

Glasses of water in hand, we made our way back to the bedroom. I made sure she left the phantom mask behind on the counter, though. I slipped on a pair of boxers, she put on her dressing gown, and we got in bed. I'm not sure what my thinking was. I suppose I thought if she were comfortable enough, she wouldn't leave me immediately? Maybe I could convince her to sleep on it?

"OK, now talk."

"I've had needs over the years, Bella. You know what I mean by needs, right?"

"Yes, Edward. Sex."

"Right, sex. Well you know it was a miracle that I could even have sex, I mean, that nothing was damaged in... the accident."

"The accident that you'll be telling me about one day, right?"

"Right, one day." If you ever want to see me again that is, I added in my head. "So I enlisted the services of... fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be."

"Hey, if you can't say it yet, then don't, OK?"

"I don't deserve you, you know that, right?"

"Let me decide what I do and don't deserve."

I took a deep breath.

"I enlisted the services of a Madame. She provided me with a woman once a month."

"Prostitutes, you mean?" She asked, her brow creasing.

"Maybe some of them. I suspect that most were just willing subs."

"Subs? Edward, are you a Dom?" Her face had gone from surprise to shock.

"Not by choice, Bella." She was silent. I couldn't tell if she was upset or not and it made me insanely nervous. "You know what I look like. You remember your reaction to me the first time you saw me. How was I ever supposed to fulfill my sexual needs? I needed to be discreet and I needed a way to be covered at all times. I also needed a way to be sure that the woman I was with couldn't see me in return."

"Blindfolds you mean?"

"And other things as well."

"Other things? Other things like what?" She looked curious then.

"Bella, please."

"Edward, I want to know."

And because I promised I would deny her nothing, I told her. "I restrained them with fabric or leather cuffs so that they couldn't grab my mask off. I would cuff them to the bed frame in one of the guest rooms, or simply behind their backs. If they brushed against me, or even if I let them touch me at all, they would feel the leather of my pants and gloves. It completed the Dom image for the girls and even helped me play my part. I never touched them with my bare skin though, I was too afraid of them feeling the scars. I... shit."

I couldn't look at her, I was too ashamed.

"You..." She urged.

"I fucked them without touching them. I wore condoms, but not just for safety. I fucked them from behind so that they were never tempted to see me and I was never tempted to see them in return. Watching them, seeing their faces as they enjoyed themselves, was just too painful. It was something I learned early on."

Silence. It made me incredibly anxious. I had to say something that made it all better. What the fuck could have made my confession better, though?

"You were the first woman I touched in ten years. I was so nervous the first time I felt you, the first time I made you come. I felt like a virgin. I guess in some ways, I was. I can only assume you're disgusted with me right now. I can't say that I blame you."

"I'm not disgusted. A little... caught off guard maybe, but not disgusted."

"Really?" I lifted my head to meet her eyes. I didn't see anger or shock or disgust. I saw a beautiful woman trying to come to grips with a shitty truth. I wondered how many women would have stayed with a guy after that kind of admission. I was willing to bet the number was infinitesimal.

"Is that why you were so adamant about us getting tested?"

"Yes. I've been so many women that…" She cut me off.

"You know what?" she snapped, peeved, "don't ever mention that again, OK?"

"What part?"

"The 'so many women' part. It's not something I ever want to hear again."

"Right, sorry." Way to go idiot. "So, now what?"

"Give me a second here."

"Take as long as you need." Anything, just don't leave my sorry ass.

Several agonizing minutes later, she spoke.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I enjoyed knowing that I had done something pleasurable for them and I enjoyed getting off, I won't deny that." Bella's brown eyes were begging for a "but." "But, in the end, it always left me feeling empty. It was never fulfilling. It never meant a damn thing. I felt wrong for lying to them and myself every single time. Does any of that make sense?"

Please, please, please understand.

"Yes and no."

It was a better answer than I could ask for.

"What are you thinking? Please tell me."

"You better be really honest with your next answer." Her face hardened, her breathing picked up, she looked like she was ready to cry or hit me, or both. The yelling, the blame, and the anger was coming, I just knew it. "Have you called up this Madame to cancel her services?"

That's what she wanted to know? She didn't want to call me revolting or some sexist pig? She just wanted to know if I had called Madame Zafrina?

"Well?" she asked, her voice breaking, eyes watering.

"Of course! Of course I did, Bella!"

"When?" she asked, ready to cry or hit me.

"After the very first night you stayed with me. The second you left, I called and left a message. I haven't heard from her or any of the girls... shit, I mean, I haven't heard from her since then."

"Oh hell, thank God!" She said releasing her breath in one big huff. A few tears rolled down her cheek, I wiped them away with my thumb.

"You are the only woman I want, beautiful." I wiped a few more tears before I opened my arms. "Come here."

She moved over to me and rested her head against my chest; I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tight. She was extraordinary. I didn't know much about women, but I was pretty sure most women would have been less worried about a simple phone call, and more worried about the sexual past I had laid out before her.

Just to be sure she understood I added, "You're the only woman I'll ever want."

"Do you mean it?"

"Completely."

"Thank you for saying that."

"Don't thank me, beautiful. It's the truth and I should be thanking you for not running from me."

"I'm tired of running, remember?"

We stayed there, her head resting against my chest, my arms wrapped around her until our inhales and exhales were in sync. I was sure she had fallen asleep and was ready to drift off myself, when she spoke again. I wasn't expecting her next words, but how could I have ever expected them? What she told me was devastating.

"My mother killed herself seven years ago."

How was I supposed to respond to that? I wasn't sure, so I stayed silent.

"No one knew she was depressed or taking medication. In fact, she hated Western medicine, or so we thought. I guess, I'll never really know. She told me she was going on a retreat, in Phoenix. Instead, she overdosed on pills next to a river near Santa Fe. We buried her, then I left. I couldn't stay. Everything I did, everywhere I went, I saw her. It was too painful for me. I ran and I haven't been back since."

That's why she was tired of running. That's why she wouldn't give up on me. She'd done it before and wasn't willing to do it again. I could feel her tears dripping onto my stomach. I didn't know what to do for her. I felt my skin burning again, but it was burning for her. Her pain, was my pain.

"She didn't leave a note. There was no explanation. There was nothing. She just left me. You know what the worst part is?"

"No." Because what was worse than that?

"I could have helped. I could have done something to save her, to help her."

How do you tell someone that their honest and good intentions were nothing more than wasted hopes?

"No, Bella, no matter what, she would have found a way."

Her tears were awful. It was one thing to see them from afar as I had in the past. But to feel them on my burning skin, was gut wrenching. I knew why she cried alone now. I understood why she marked her back with Georgia O'Keefe. I knew why she was so alone, for so long. My mistakes were my own. I knew who to blame for my scars and my pain. But my beautiful, brave, strong girl would never understand her mother's actions. Her mother had robbed her of any closure or peace. I was furious and heartbroken at the same time.

"Tell me what to do to make it better, beautiful."

She took in several shuddering breaths. She sniffled and pulled away from me. Her face was puffy and damp. Her lips were down-turned and sad. She still looked beautiful.

"Help me forget, Edward."

And because I couldn't deny her anything, I kissed her, and kissed her again. There was so much need and longing in those kisses. It might not have been the right thing to do, to mask her pain with sex, but it was what she needed from me. I pulled on her silk gown and she raised her arms. I lifted the fabric from her body and tossed it aside before slipping off my boxers.

I helped her forget her ruined past with my ruined body.

A/N

Parts of their pasts are out now. I'm just itchy to know what you thought of this...