Sonic Insanity

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"Did you even see Wedding Crashers?" demanded Knuckles. "It was a great movie! A movie of womanizing, of drunkenness, of Owen Wilson! It had Christopher Walken in it!"

"Well, so did Kangaroo Jack," Tails reminded him. "The 40-Year-Old Virgin was much better! The constant pop-culture references didn't feel phony! It was real!"

"Well, seeing as you're a virgin…" snickered Knuckles.

"What would you expect? I'm six years old!" snarled Tails.

The argument continued. Sonic rolled his eyes. He turned on the TV, to the news, and began to listen.

"I'm sure that was quite the St. Patrick's Day celebration," chuckled the announcer. "Before our major headline, there will be a quick announcement: Your mother is like breakfast on Sunday! More on that later. Now for tonight's top story-"

"It's noon," interrupted Shadow.

"Shut up, Sonic," the reporter grumbled. Sonic began to convulse with anger. "Scientists have been developing a car that can fly like a plane. George W. Bush sent legislation to Congress asking to remove money from the Social Security fund in order to finance the new technology."

The screen cut to Bush.

"So, Mr. President, what effect will this have on the already suffering Social Security fund?"

"Well, I never did like old people much anyway, and it doesn't seem like anyone else does either," replied Bush happily. "Shoot, Dick Cheney shot and killed an old guy and nobody cared! So they can just go without payment for all I care. All I know is, my vacation would sure be a lot more fun with one of them things…"

The screen cut to the reporter.

"The President purchased two of these new cars with 5 billion dollars that was supposed to go to starving families," the reporter said. "Here is some footage of he, Cheney, and some Texas friends of his in the car planes, hunting ducks."

The screen cut to Bush and a bunch of rednecks, drinking beer and driving the planes around. Bush was driving one car/plane while downing a six-pack of beer, aiming his rifle out the window and shooting at ducks. All of them were completely drunk, and would let out a loud "Yee-haw!" every several seconds. One of them was trying to lasso ducks by throwing a lasso out of the plane. The car/planes were open-air, and occasionally they would push each other out of the plane and laugh merrily.

Dick Cheney was driving the other car/plane, but instead of shooting ducks he was trying to shoot the people in the other plane. Whenever this happened, he would look away from the controls and make sharp nosedives toward the ground that he would pull out of just in time. He and Bush, as drunk as they were, began to try to ram their car/planes into each other head-on. Eventually, they destroyed each other's engines and crash-landed.

"Whoo-ey!" called Bush. "There goes our picnic basket!"

Sonic shut off the TV, disgusted. The government crashing car/planes while drunk, Tails and Knuckles arguing about movies… things could hardly be any worse. Shadow jumped into the room.

"Man, Flogging Molly… what a great group!" he declared, opening his beer by smashing it over Knuckles' head and drinking out of the hole in the bottle. "They have a song called Drunken Lullabies! How cool is that?"

"Eh… Dropkick Murphy is more my style for Irish rock," objected Sonic.

"Dropkick Murphy isn't Irish rock! Their lead singer just has an Irish accent!" objected Shadow. "Flogging Molly is the spirit of Ireland! They have one song called 'Irish Drinking Song.' Or maybe it's Irish Pub Song, I don't know. So, basically, here's what happened…" In a flashback style, Shadow began to narrate the tale of the Irish Drinking Song.

"So, a guy in Ireland comes home and he's drunk out of his mind," Shadow declared, while an Irish man stumbled into his home. "His wife tells him that's enough, and she doesn't want him in the house."

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US? I THOUGHT I MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU? YOU JUST LIKE ALCOHOL BECAUSE IT'S HOTTER THAN ME!" she screeched, casting the poor Irish bum out.

"So, old Shamrock trots off to Kelly's pub, where he tells the boys his story and they have another round of alcohol," Shadow described happily. The Irish man stumbled into the pub.

"Argh, the old wifey cast me out agin," he mumbled, drinking from a foaming tankard of brew. "Sayin' ah bin drinkin' or some such nonsense. Old hen's out of 'er mind, ah tell yeh." He took another slurp and began to listen to other people's stories.

"Then," continued Shadow, "they drink and drink and fight and sleep around with women and drink some more. Then he describes some broad named 'Mary MacGregor."

"Hey, I knew her in college!" Knuckles declared, rubbing the welt on his head.

"Like you ever went to college," said Shadow. "So then Mary dies and everyone's sad, so, obviously, they solve their problems by drinking, fighting and sleeping around."

"You know, your little narration thing ended," Sonic objected.

"The author is far too lazy to continue it," Shadow agreed sadly. "Anyway, so then he goes all sentimental by talking about how he loved a girl, but she rejected him… or something, I don't know. So he drops in to Kelly's pub for a pint and they fight and sleep around and drink. The end!"

"What a lovely story," Sonic commented.

"This is why Flogging Molly rocks," Shadow agreed, and they went down to Kelly's pub to… you know. They stuffed Tails in the wastebasket, as he was far too young for alcohol.

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The next chapter got deleted, due to my stupid computer, so I have to rewrite it… man, it was a really good chapter too, so I'll have to put a new one together short notice. See ya!