Kendall was sitting on the edge of the bed when I first woke up and when he turned to see me; he gave me a grim look.
"Logan," He started, his tone reflecting his mood, "We need to talk." Immediately, I knew what that meant and it couldn't just end like this. I needed him too much for him just to walk away.
"Please, don't leave me," I screeched, "I'm sorry, I swear we can try again tonight and I won't cry. I just, I can't, just don't leave."
Kendall grinned a little when he heard my response, "I'm not gonna break up with you sweet-heart, but there are things we need to talk about."
"We talk about everything," I replied, still trying to get over my outburst, "What is there that needs to be said. You know all of my secrets and I know all of yours; that's what makes our relationship so great."
"No, there is one thing you always refuse to talk about with me," Kendall again turned towards the wall, "the fact that you still don't trust me."
"What do you want to do about it?" I tried to stay calm, but I still felt a little scared that Kendall wouldn't think my answer was good enough and move on.
"Why don't we go down to the coffee-shop down the street and talk about this over breakfast," that's when I realized how serious it was. Kendall hated breakfast and he especially hated coffee; the only reason he had a coffee maker in his apartment was because in his I needed it. But I wasn't going to fight him or make the situation worse. I simply shook my head and we both got up to get some-what dressed; I threw on a pair of basketball shorts and a jacket over the huge shirt I was in. Kendall on the other hand threw on his jeans with a tight T-shirt and a leather jacket with his beanie. We walked in complete silence to the car and drove the same way, too afraid to talk about last night. Finally, after about ten minutes, we got inside and I ordered coffee and he got milk, but I didn't fight him on it; I just looked down and so did he. "We can't go on like this Logie; I love you too much for you to be so afraid of me. We have to talk about this."
"What is there to say," I said, still unable to look at Kendall in the eyes.
"Say you trust me," he responded, lifting my chin to force eye-contact, "Say that you aren't afraid of me anymore."
"I'm not afraid of you anymore," I tried to say it as blankly as possible so Kendall couldn't read the lie I was telling.
"Dammit Logan," he yelled, hitting the table with his fists right when the waitress brought over our drinks.
"Anythin else I can get ya dolls," she said, chewing something in her mouth like every stereotypical diner waitress in television history, down to the blue eye-shadow.
"No thank you," Kendall said calmly, "This will be great for now."
"Just call me if ya change ya mind," she walked away, her heels clicking as she moved onto the next table to take their orders. Kendall was just staring at me.
Before he could speak, I started off again, "Fine, but can I ask you a question first."
"Fine," he huffed, "shoot."
"You are a Junior in High School and captain of the hockey team; why don't you live at home. I love your apartment, but I just don't understand what makes you live there away from your family. I've met your mom before, she seems nice enough," I tried to be gentle, but it wasn't easy for me cause I was so curious about this particular mystery of Kendall.
"When I first came into town, about a week before the incident, I went home and started to use what I was taught by my therapist. So I came out to them both my first night back and they freaked out talking about how God couldn't love me for this and I told them that God loved all his children no matter what, which upset them even more. I know what you're thinking, 'that the picture' should have outed me, but mom somehow hid that from him. My dad tried to hit me, but my mom stopped him, still, she told me to never come back to the house. My mom, the nurse, who was supposed to love me no matter what I do and am. And the worst part was, I'd come out to her years before; it wasn't like it was a big secret. That night I stayed at Carlos's place till she called me. She told me she loved me no matter what, but it wasn't safe to come home right now with my dad how he was. She said that she didn't care what happened that night with who, she cared about me being okay, so she gave me most clothes in a big, beaten up suit case and four-hundred dollars cash to find somewhere else till I could come home. When James heard, he invited me to the club that Saturday night to meet up with you, but instead, Carlos and I arrived too late. Too late to save my best friend. But there's nothing I can do about that now; you're turn."
"There's nothing wrong with me," I responded a little smugly, trying to get him calm, "I trust you completely, I just was tired."
"Dammit Logan," he repeated, but this time, not as angry, "I know you're lying, I just don't understand why. We have to talk about this. This isn't one of those avoidable subjects that will die over time; I want to spend every waking moment of the rest of my life with you, but I can't do that if every time we get close, you get scared. Maybe I'm not good for you and if that's it, you gotta tell me."
"The worst night of my entire life was that costume party," I had decided that I couldn't keep this all from Kendall, that it was just too difficult, so I would tell him everything because he had done the same with me. "At first, everything was going great; I had made up with Camille, Jo had picked a costume that was going to get us in trouble, and who doesn't love a Halloween party. But the highlight of the night was having you there with me. I had a crush on you since the first day I moved here, when I first saw you flip that blonde hair of yours in that little Soda place, so when you came onto me, I felt like I was at the top of the world, but drinking and being hit on don't exactly go together. Sex was just what made sense as the next step to me at the time and you just seemed to want it so bad that I couldn't refuse you it. It would be cruel. And though I don't remember much of it, I know there was passion. I could feel the heat, but the best part was talking to you afterwards. Until I found out about why you did what you did. I felt like I betrayed myself by doing what I did with you because I like to think that I'm such a rights activist. And I felt like you had deceived me. That's when I began to lose my trust in you. Then when you couldn't control your temper when I tried to leave put another nail in the coffin. And with all the emotional distress and a hangover, the night still is the longest in my life. Jo getting raped just wasn't fair, and it made me hate you even more because you were one of the homophobes that made people like that do the crap they do. That was another nail. But the final nail in the coffin that was my trust in you came the next day. The next day when you denied what happened and tried to hurt James. I couldn't understand why you'd lie and I couldn't fathom why you'd want to hurt someone who was so close to you. Up until that night, you two seemed a little inseparable. So when you left, I felt so lonely. I had James, but I just couldn't convince myself that I loved him in the way I'd loved you. I tried to act for him because he cared so much, but the loneliness didn't go away, it just hurt so much worse. It took me a long time to get over you and when I did, I finally could love James the right way and you know what happened next. He was taken away from me. He was stolen out of my life as soon as he had come in and there you were again. There you were, the person I loved who'd hurt me and yet you weren't the same person. You were new; you'd finally learned to love yourself, but even better, you learned to love me. But that trust was still dead. You still scared me. And you still scare me now. And I know that might hurt you, but that's the truth. I just worry that anything I could do would push you over the limit and you could relapse and that's one of my biggest fears. That my presence is hurting you. That's why I can't trust you fully. Because I don't trust myself." It felt so good to get those feelings out, but when I looked back at Kendall; his face was in his palms. He looked up with red eyes and wet cheeks.
"I'm, so, so sorry Logan, I would have never ever hurt you like that in a million years if I had known that it would make you so," Kendall was desperately searching for the last word.
"Cautious, Uptight, Insecure," I offered, my bottom lip starting to tremble when I realized how much what I had said hurt him, "can I ask you a question though?"
"Uh-huh"
"What did you think was going to happen if when you did all that," I tried to not get angry, but I was just so confused by everything right now, "I mean you played with my mind, my heart, my emotions. You just thought I could take it."
"No," he responded, starting to calm down the tears, "I just, I was so scared of what it meant to have emotions for you. I'd only felt that way once before and it didn't end well and it, it left me messed up and then I saw you and all I wanted was to be right next to you. And I hated that feeling because it meant that I'd become something that I hated, or at least thought I hated. I just wanted you to go away so I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions and instead you drew me in." He took a breath, finally taking a quiet sip from the glass of milk, while I absorbed what he had just told me.
"So, this all is. My. Fault," I asked questioningly, not accusing him yet, but displaying it like it sounded to me.
"NO! In no way is this your fault sugar, it's mine for not allowing myself to be me; you're just the incredible outcome of it all. You've helped me to learn that I'm not like he was. Not like the one that hurt me; that I'm gay and there is nothing wrong with it at all. That I don't have to like the same music or be a different person because I love who I love. You are my greatest inspiration in my life because you don't give a fuck what people think as long as you're happy. I just wish there was some way to express to you that I'd never ever hurt you."
"It's not that simple Kendall, it can't just come back from nowhere and I know you've earned every bit of it, but I'm just not ready."There was silence for a little longer till Kendall looked up:
"I've got an idea," Kendall said, perking up slightly, "Why don't we calm down by going back to your house and doing homework for a little bit, then we could go play Hockey cause I know you love it so much." I smiled when he said this and decided it was okay. It couldn't hurt to get some homework done and I couldn't lie, I really did enjoy him playing Hockey with his friends because he got so competitive and aggressive which tended to end up hilariously.
"Yeah, I love that Idea," I said, taking his hand and leaving twenty dollars for the waitress to use to pay for it all and a tip. It was probably generous, but I just wanted to go with Kendall; plus the coffee was a little stale. I'm sure she won't mind.
1 day later
Kendall was determined to take me to the mall today and to be honest, I didn't mind that that much because I needed to get a few things in the first place. It was fun to watch him play hockey and all, especially cause Carlos tends to get really angry during the game. Today was my turn to have fun though. Still, something was off, especially cause Kendall was acting a little jittery, but I put it all to that he just wanted to get home. Little did I know that that was no reason at all.
"Which skinny jeans should I go with," I held up a pair of tiger print ones and then a zebra pair to get a laugh out of him, but instead he genuinely answered.
"Yeah, the zebra pair; blacks a good color for you," Kendall said it rather fast, causing me to wonder what was going on.
"You okay Kendall, I was kidding; I thought you'd find it funny," I was determined to find the mystery to why he was acting this way.
"Yeah Logie, just a little distracted," he was still kind of jumpy, but he at least talked in normal motion, "What time is it."
"It's time for you to calm down," I responded coolly, coming up to wrap my arms around his neck, "Is there something you need to tell me."
"That I love you," he said, giving me a kiss on my forehead, "but really, what's the time."
I just couldn't refuse him again, so I pulled out my phone, "its 2:53. Why do you need to know though; we don't have any other commitments today."
"I have somewhere to be at three," he replied, still acting very strange.
"Why don't we go now so we're not late," I suggested, but he shook his head and turned towards the food court.
"Hey," he said, acting a little normal, "want to go to the food court till It's time to go; we could try out the new pretzel station."
"Sure, anything you'd like, just calm down." We got the pretzels, but he just sat across from me watching the time as silently as possible. It was really awkward and it was never Kendall's type to hold back. Then he jumped up excitedly out of no were:
"It's Three, let's go," he said, grabbing my hand and tugging me from the chair, forcing me to drop my treat and forget about it in the booth; the worst part was, I was actually really hungry. Kendall was pulling me into a large crowd of people gathered around a stage and at first I was genuinely intrigued to see who was performing and then a very familiar voice come out of the speakers.
"Would Logan Mitchell come to the stage please; Logan Mitchell come to the stage please," Jo said giggling as my eyes grew wide. What was Jo doing here after just leaving and why did they want me on stage. Kendall smiled back at me when he pulled me up and sat me on a chair in the center of the stage. Jo handed him the microphone and gave me a case before walking off the stage.
"I'm pretty sure all of you know me and for those of you who don't you'll never forget me after this," Kendall started yelling to the crowd, scaring me more and more by the second. I didn't know what he was going to do, but I was going to have to muster up courage to trust him right now and that wasn't easy. "A few months ago I put on a big scene in the middle of this very mall over that boy over here and it was the biggest mistake I ever made," the audience watched him closely as he walked across the edge, seeming to address every girl there, "And now, I want to prove to this town and that boy over there that I absolutely love him. You can pretty much guess the rest from there." The girls in the crowd actually seemed shocked, but Samantha let out a 'Wooooo' to try to rile the crowd up which it actually worked. "Are all of you ready for this, Cause it's gonna happen either way." They screamed even louder when Jo walked up and handed Kendall his guitar. Moment by moment I was getting more terrified. This would be interesting. "This is to you Sugar," and then Kendall started to strum the instrument and sing the song in perfect pitch and tune.
"Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again
Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo"
I started to cry midway through when I realized what he was doing; he was trying to take the nails out of that coffin and bring back my trust in him by undoing the thing that hurt me most. His rejection of me. That's when I realized that I trusted him with everything I was because he was willing to give up his whole life, family, and even some friends just to love me. He was putting on a giant show in front of the whole town to show his love for me. It was incredible. When he sang the last two verses, he came over and knelt down next to me like a wedding proposal while I wiped tears away as fast as I could.
"You truly are my angel Logan Mitchell and I never want you or I to forget that," He smiled when he pulled a red box out of his pocket. "I PROMISE to love you for every day of our lives together. I PROMISE to never hurt you again. And I Promise to go to the ends of the world to show you how much I love you." He grabbed my hand and put the white wring on my ring finger were an engagement ring would usually go.
I wasn't sure how to answer, so I just screamed, "yes, I'll be yours forever," before he kissed me on the cheeks. The crowd around us started to roar with approval as he took me off the stage and brought me back into the audience. The actual musical performance showed up, a band from school, who apparently let Kendall use the stage first for his big act. As we were walking down and they were coming up, I got congratulations from everywhere like it was my wedding day which felt weird but welcome. Jo grabbed my other arm and pulled me forward with Samantha ahead of us when Kendall leaned down into my ear, "You know it's not an engagement ring, right Logie."
I smiled, "Yeah, I know, but I trust you to one day give me one of those too."
We both giggled a little before leaving the mall in high spirits with our friends.
Author's Note: I know, cheesy, but it felt really good to write it and finally get over that big bump in the story. Luv Ya. XoXo