I know this took longer than I said it would, sorry. I kept fussing with it and re-fussing with it.
Thank you as always to two lovely ladies, HollettLA and TheOtherBella.
Two exciting bits of news! I was just featured on the Twi-Muses blog in their "Pimp-a-Fic" section. I can't thank them enough for the honor! See it here: http:/www(dot)twimuses(dot)com/2011/04/pimp-fic-bella-and-beastward(dot)html
Also, I just entered into the Curvaceous and Bodaceous one shot contest and I'm pimping. Come check it out on my profile or at: http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2729331/
I want to thank all of you who rev'd in record numbers this past week! Thank you so much for encouraging me and showing your love.
I don't own, I just play.
BPOV
"Edward, can you help me with the grill?" asked Sue.
"Sure, Sue. But I don't want to step on Charlie's toes," Edward answered, politely.
"Oh please. The one time I let that man near the thing, he singed off an eyebrow."
I tried not to laugh. Instead I did one of those half-snort, half-giggle things. I remembered that day very clearly. It was the fourth of July and my father had just bought the new grill. Charlie had no idea how to use it and being a guy, refused to read the instructions. All Sue and I heard was a loud whoosh, then Charlie cursing and screaming. We went running to the backyard only to find that he had singed off an eyebrow and was growling at the grill as if it were the enemy. He swore off the thing and hadn't touched it since.
"Not that I'm complaining, Sue. But it's freezing out, are we really going to grill in this?"
"Edward, don't tell me a little cold is gonna keep you away from grilled meat?"
"No, ma'am. If you can take it, so can I." He winked at me before joining Sue outside.
That he was getting along so well with my small, but important, family made me endlessly proud. I loved that he was so sweet around Sue. Then again, she brought out the best in everyone she met; she was infectious that way. The real surprise was his relationship with my father. I was nervous when Charlie took Edward to the gun range. I knew he wouldn't get hurt or anything, but I also knew how anxious Edward got around people he didn't know. Much to my delight, Edward came back smiling.
Just as Charlie had predicted, no one batted an eye. He was amongst soldiers, cops, firemen, and bikers. They were the kind of guys who had seen it all and lived through it. From what Edward told me, besides a few head nods and understanding looks, no one said a word or gave him a second look. It must have been incredibly refreshing for Edward and I was happy for him.
The only thing that Edward complained about was Charlie's questions. He was still uncomfortable about his past, so much so that he hadn't even spoken to me about it in detail. But Charlie, being a detective, had to probe. Plus, he was my dad and it wasn't the first time he had intimidated a guy I was seeing with his insistent questions. Even though Edward assured me that he was alright and understood, I wasn't convinced.
With Sue and Edward out back, I was ready to snuggle into the couch with a book, when my father called me.
"Bella baby, can you come here for a minute?"
"Ya, Dad, just a sec."
I put my book down and walked to the office where Charlie was sitting at his desk, looking at the computer screen. He looked… confused.
"What's up?" I said, sinking into the chair in the corner.
"Is there a reason you two were keeping secrets from me?" he asked. I could tell he wasn't upset, just curious. An upset Charlie was way more intimidating and demanding.
"Secrets? What secrets, Dad?" I asked, curious myself.
"Come on, Bella, it's me, you don't have hide things from me. You know I wouldn't blab."
"I don't hide things from you and I know you would never blab. But I really have no idea what you're talking about."
"Bella, stop the act, okay?" he answered, obviously a little annoyed.
"Dad, instead of playing with words, why don't you just tell me what you think I'm keeping from you?"
He kept reading the computer screen and then it dawned on me. Edward's interrogation and his lack of direct answers gave my father only one course of action.
"Oh my God, Dad! You didn't! You ran a background check on him, didn't you? Is that what you're reading?"
"Bella baby, I don't care how old you are, you're still my little girl. Of course I ran a background check on him." He said calmly, as if it were a perfectly natural pastime.
"Dad," I whined, "how could you?"
"Bella, something wasn't right. Yesterday when we were at the range, the way he was evading my questions was highly suspect."
"Listen to you, 'highly suspect.' This isn't Law and Order, this is my life!"
"Exactly! And I have the right to make sure your life runs as smoothly as possible. Lord knows you've had your share of heartbreak, I don't want to see my little girl cry ever again."
I took a deep breath and shook my head. When he was all protective like that, it was hard to be too angry with him.
"Okay, Dad. Thanks, I guess. So what's this big secret you're talking about?"
"The accident and who he is."
"Well, to be honest, he hasn't told me all the details. I didn't want to push, either. It's really difficult for him to talk about."
"You don't know about the fire?"
"Not everything, no."
"I don't want to tell you two how to run your relationship..."
"Then don't!" I said hotly.
"Don't snap at me, Bella," he bit back at me.
And just like that, I was a kid again. I hung my head and apologized.
"Sorry, Dad."
"Bella," he said calmly, seriously, "if this weren't incredibly important, I wouldn't have brought it up."
"Incredibly important? He was in a fire, it disfigured him. What else do I need to know?"
"His name for starters."
"His name is Edward Masen."
"No, Bella, it's not."
"That's not funny, Dad."
"You're right; it's not funny at all."
"Wait, you're serious, aren't you? His name isn't Edward Masen?"
"No. Bella, I think you should come here and see what I'm looking at."
I didn't want to. I really didn't. But my arms pushed themselves out of the chair and my legs walked themselves to my father's desk. On the screen were articles, legal documents, pictures, and reports. Charlie stood up, letting me sit in the desk chair. One article in particular caught my attention.
###
BOSTON ROYALTY LOST IN FIRE
Edward Anthony Cullen, beloved and only child of Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his wife, Emse, members of Boston's society circle, is presumed dead after a yacht fire. Only two days away from his graduation from Harvard, Edward Cullen was a popular and well-liked young man. Also lost in the fire were his fellow schoolmates and friends, Michael Newton and Eric Yorkie.
Both Mr. Newton and Mr. Yorkie's bodies were found in Boston Harbor by Harbor Patrol; their bodies were burned beyond recognition and had to be identified via dental records. Mr. Cullen's body has yet to be found, but the authorities have not given up the search. Although the yacht was badly damaged, it is apparent that a freak electrical fire was the cause of the explosion. Although some speculate the fire could have been prevented had the boys waited for a member of the crew to take them out into the harbor, it is unsure if even that precaution would have prevented this tragedy.
Recently, Viking, the same brand yacht that the Cullens owned, was sued by a couple whose boat was engulfed in flames, seemingly for no reason, while docked in the Bahamas. It is thought that Viking's new X1-33 engine might have something to do with it. The new engine was pushed through testing hastily to be ready for The World Yachting Convention this past January. It seems that instead of going back and testing more thoroughly, Viking went directly into production. No word yet if the Cullens, Yorkies, or Newtons will be seeking legal action.
A college fund in the three boys' names has been set up. The families ask that in lieu of flowers, cards, or gifts of any kind, that you please send any donations directly to the fund (see address below).
On a personal note, this reporter would like to send his condolences to all the families involved. To the Cullens directly, however, a prayer of healing for a family whose never ending generosity and sparkling example have always made this city and this country proud.
###
Absorbing what I read took a long time. Doubt kept rearing its seductive head at me, telling me to ignore the words, accidents happen all the time, it could have been any number of Edwards from Boston they were referring to. When I had digested the information though, I physically shuddered. Even with the doubts, I knew instinctively that the Edward Cullen in the article was Edward Masen, my Edward. Of course, that didn't stop the denial from speaking its mind.
"This doesn't mean that he's Edward Cullen, Dad," I said unconvincingly.
He reached around me and pulled up another document. It was something that must have been well buried. Had my father not been a detective specifically looking for it, it never would have seen the light of day again. It was a dispatch report for a Mr. Edward Cullen from Boston Hospital. Mr. Edward Cullen was checked into the hospital at 2:34 A.M. on May 20th, 2001 and was taken out earlier that same morning under the care of his doctor, Carlisle Cullen.
My initial reaction was to act dumb. Ignore the evidence in front of me. But I couldn't. The truth of that matter was that Edward's father had a hand in the cover-up. That somehow between the time Edward had been checked in and checked right back out, Carlisle had made a decision that changed a lot of lives. I was shocked. It was outrageous! It simply couldn't be true! Right?
"How?"
"I don't know anything about Carlisle, but he must be a pretty powerful man to have made that happen."
"But it's all illegal! How did they get away with all this?"
"They never did anything wrong, technically. There was no death certificate; no one said anything to the press about Edward dying. From what I can tell, they simply let the papers and networks run with it. The Cullen family never corrected anyone when people said Edward was dead. Instead, they just kept quiet. Trust me, Bella, if there's one thing that old money is really good at, it's keeping quiet. There's a blurb somewhere about a private funeral at the Cullen Mansion for Edward, but I'm guessing it was all for show."
"But his name! There must be record of his name change or something, right?"
In my head, if there wasn't proof of his name before and after the fire, then it wasn't true. My father pulled up another document, one that I couldn't ignore, no matter how much I wanted to.
"His birth certificate says Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen. He just never used the Masen before, baby. It's easy enough to throw some cash around and get new IDs made... especially if it's your legal name, anyway."
"No..." And there was the evidence in front of me. I couldn't deny it any longer. My Edward Masen was actually Edward Cullen; the golden boy of Boston society who the world thought was dead.
"Bella, he should have been the one to tell you all this," my father said, sounding incredibly disappointed.
I couldn't breathe right. The room simply wouldn't fill my lungs with enough air.
"Baby? Please, take a breath, Bella. We'll go talk to Edward and work this all out. You love the guy, right?"
I kept quiet, not sure what I thought about him. Instead, I focused on my lungs and getting them some much needed oxygen.
"It can't be easy having kept secrets like that for so long. Now, I'm not saying this is all okay, because he lied to you and that makes me incredibly angry. But I know guys who went through worse and have still never said a word to anyone. Destruction changes a man, Bella. I wouldn't know about half the stuff my friends and fellow Marines had been through if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. That's how hard it is to talk about sometimes, baby."
Trying to rationalize with a person who is in shock is difficult under the best of circumstances. But my father trying to rationalize with me right then was useless. I had only recently opened my heart to Edward. I had spilled every last inch of my soul to the man. He had seen me at one of the lowest points of my life. He had saved me from loneliness and anger and depression. He held my hand while I said goodbye to my mother. He had reconnected me to my family. Having Edward in my life was a rollercoaster; part fun, part terrifying. On top of the pain of coming back home, on top of the struggles to make Edward listen and believe in me, I now had to add lies, deceit, secrecy, and a severe lack of trust on his part. I sat there, steeping in it all. The longer I sat, the angrier I became. The more I thought, the more betrayed I felt.
When my anger exploded from my body and made me run, I found myself in the dining room where Edward had just finished setting the table with Sue. He was so fucking oblivious, putting napkins on the plates. He just stood there as if nothing was wrong... as if he hadn't been hiding who he was from me since the second we met. How dare him!
EPOV
"You lied to me the entire time? Since we've known each other, you've been lying to me?"
Sue looked between us. Charlie walked in and stood behind Bella, arms crossed.
"What, no I haven't! What's going on here?"
Bella simply stared at me.
"What's your name?"
I was thoroughly confused.
"Edward Masen."
"What's your name?" she asked again, getting angry.
"Edward Masen," I answered quickly, not understanding what was happening.
"Don't fucking play with me."
Bella never cursed. What the hell was going on? When I didn't answer, she asked me again.
"What. Is. Your. Fucking. Name!"
Reality hit me like a Mack-truck. She knew. Worse yet, she knew I hadn't told her. There was no sense in hiding it anymore.
"Edward Cullen," I said, hanging my head.
"Edward Cullen," she said very slowly, letting the name roll on her tongue.
"It's always been Masen, too, though!" I added, pathetically.
"How dare you throw semantics at me!" she spat.
"I'm not trying to be clever, but it's true! My mother's maiden name is Masen!" Anything, say anything to make this better! I thought to myself.
"You shit. Why would you do that to me?"
"I was going to tell you soon!" Anything, say anything.
"Soon? Five minutes soon or five weeks soon, Mr. Cullen?"
Shit, it hurt so badly. It simply never occurred to me that she would find out on her own. That she would find out before I could tell her. I was so fucking stupid. Her father was a god-damned detective. He asked me hundreds of questions the other day, all of which I had expertly evaded like I had in the past. Of course, he was suspicious. Of course, he told his daughter. I would have done the same thing in his shoes.
"When you gave me the cuff, I knew I had to tell you. I was going to once we got home, too. I just didn't want to overwhelm you while we were here, Bella."
"Good God, that's why my gift upset you so much, it had nothing to with me or the thought behind it at all! It had the wrong initials on it, didn't it?"
"Yes... I mean, no!" I couldn't think straight.
"Well? Which is it, yes or no?"
I had to explain. I had to make her understand before I lost her.
"Bella, when the accident happened-"
"I don't give a shit about the accident," she snapped, cutting me off. "I sure as hell don't give one shit about your scars! I loved you with those scars. I fell in love with a scarred man and I never even thought twice about them. They don't mean anything!"
It didn't escape me that she used "loved"; past tense. But beneath that, my head was screaming bullshit; of course the scars meant something, "They mean EVERYTHING!"
"NO, THEY DON'T! You don't get it, do you? You lied to me. Not for a few days either, Edward, for months. You let me believe you were someone that you're not."
"What is this, Romeo and Juliet? That's the issue here, my stupid fucking name? It's just a name! I'm still the same person! Call me 'Albert Einstein,' I'm still me!"
"Right, you're still you. No matter what the hell your name is, you're still a person who kept the truth from the woman he says he loves. You're still a person who didn't trust me enough to explain his past. I gave you every part of me and you couldn't give that back to me, could you?"
She sounded so wounded. And, fuck! She was so right. What the hell was wrong with me?
"It didn't matter to me whether you got the scars from a BBQ grill or saving a child from a burning building. But I did care that you never, not once, lied to me."
The hurt and pain was dripping from every word and all I could do was deny, deny, deny. Like an idiot. Like a chump. Like the fucking coward I was.
"I didn't lie to you."
"You asshole! Yes, you did! What's your name?"
"Edward..." What was my name? Was I Cullen or Masen? I just didn't know anymore.
"Unbelievable. You can't even answer me anymore, can you?"
"I'm still Edward." That much I knew. I would always be Edward.
"And you still didn't have enough faith in me to be honest. What did you think, Edward? That I would run away and turn my back on you?"
"Why not? Everyone else has!"
"Spare me.You turn your back on people,not the other way around. You turned your back on your cousin, you turned your back on society, and you even turned your back on your own parents."
The truth was bitter, cold, and gut wrenching. Although she didn't know all the details, all the things said, all the mistakes made, all the deplorable behavior both my family and I were guilty of, she was right, that's exactly what I did. I turned my back on everyone.
"You don't know what it's like, Bella," I said sadly, trying to make it all okay.
"Oh now you want my pity? Too fucking late."
"There are things you don't know, things you don't understand."
There were things that I was even more ashamed of than the fire; dark, scary things that no one wanted to know... not even my own head wanted that information anymore.
"Okay, tell me. I'm here now. Tell me. Tell me every little, dirty, fucking detail, Edward."
I couldn't. I was ashamed at my weakness, but I just couldn't tell her everything. The "little, dirty, fucking details," would have hit too close to home for her. She'd had so much thrown at her that the rest of my sad story would have ruined her. Hell, it almost ruined me.
"You can't, can you? Incredible! Your precious little cover was just blown and you still can't tell me what and who you are? Get out."
"Bella, don't do this."
"GET OUT!"
"Please give me time."
"Time to what? Pick and choose what I'm allowed to know about you?"
"Yes... I mean, No... I mean, FUCK!" How did she do that? How did she find the exact words to confound me?
"I need you to leave. I need you to leave right now."
"Bella, let me make this up to you."
"How? By telling me some filtered version of your past? Buying me a house? Buying me every fucking diamond that Tiffany has in its store?"
"No, with my version of everything. The truth… all of it. Just give me a little time, please," I pleaded pathetically. I knew if I told her everything right then and there, I would have shattered her and I couldn't have dealt with that.
"Too late. I know the story. Want to hear it?"
"No." God, no.
"You were drunk, you were high, and you took Daddy's fucking yacht out to play."
"Don't do this." Every word made me cringe.
"You were all passed out and weren't alert enough to hear the fire alarm when the engine room caught on fire. Mike and Eric died in that fire instantly. But not you. You were burnt, you were sick, but you were alive. And instead of feeling grateful, instead realizing that you were the luckiest prick on the whole goddamn planet, what did you do? You ran away."
"Stop, please." I could feel my skin burning; I could feel the horror and the unfiltered pain coursing through my limbs as she spoke.
"Then ten years later, you found a fucked up, lonely girl who you realized was just as wounded as you were. So you watched her and saved her one night when she was desperate. You let that lonely girl into your life. And you let her fall in love with you. You let her think you were magical and wonderful and even beautiful in your own way."
Heavy, angry tears were falling down her face. As always, her pain was more excruciating than any burn would ever be.
"Bella..."
"And the whole time, you failed to mention that you were someone else and she wasn't worthy enough of knowing your real name, who you really were, or what you really came from."
She was worthy of everything! The truth of the situation made me panic. She was beyond angry, she was wrecked because of me and good lord, how could I go back to my old life? How could I go back to the empty nights and my empty bed? How could I go back to no laughter or light in my life? How could I ever turn myself off to the world again since she had shown me how beautiful it could be with her?
"I can't go on without you in my life."
She looked appalled and disgusted with me. "Did you just try blackmailing me with suicide, Edward?"
"What? NO! Never, that's not what I meant. I would never..."
She was too upset to listen to me anymore, though.
"I need you gone and out of my life. I need to learn how to forget about you, Edward. Do you understand me?"
I opened my mouth to protest, but she shut me down with her next words.
"And before you insult me further, no, I won't tell anyone who you are."
"I wasn't going to say that, Bella." I said, defeated and weary.
"And do me a favor? You can tell Alice she doesn't have to speak to me right now, either."
There was hope in those words! Right now didn't mean forever. Maybe, in time, she would let me speak to her again!
"Right now or ever?" I asked like a dopey puppy.
"Leave," she seethed.
"We can work this out, Bella, please!"
"Leave, NOW!" She screamed
"Please..."
"LEEEEEEEEEAVE!"
She screamed so loudly and so long that she doubled over and started coughing when her throat couldn't keep up with her rage. Her father was at her side in an instant, keeping her on her feet. The look he gave me was terrifying. I had brought her home, to her family, to heal old wounds. Instead, I opened new ones. How could I? What kind of monster was I? I loved her too much to upset her further. Instead of letting her cool off, I just left. The second I stepped through Swans' front door, I threw up into the cacti.
Later that night, I emailed Sue.
Dear Sue,
Now you know the truth. That I hurt any of you, but especially that I hurt Bella, will haunt me. Sorry will never be enough. I'm terrified for Bella and her health, though. All I want to do is gather her in my arms and sing to her... let her know that it will all be okay and that I'm never leaving. I never will. I'll always be there for her, forever. I love her, Sue. I love her so much that the pain I feel right now, is worst than any fire. The only reason I'm leaving is because I know she has you two to keep her safe. The house is paid up for six months. Please remind her of that. Although I'd rather she stay with you two, we both know she's stubborn. I won't tell you what to do. But, you know how big the rental is... I only hope that if she stays there, you or Charlie will stay in one of the guest rooms? Please? I can't stand the thought of her being alone ever again. My plane leaves in three hours. I'm going back to New York. I regret so many things, Sue.
-Edward.
When I arrived back at the apartment, the tree was still set up. Its shiny baubles and memories mocked me. I totaled it. I picked it up and threw it across the room. I stomped on the ornaments until they were nothing but dust. I pulled at the lights until I was sure they would never blink again. When I had exhausted my rage, I dragged my feet to the bedroom. I felt heavy, old, and incredibly tired. My empty bed was too empty, though. I couldn't look at it, let alone sleep in it. All I saw was Bella and Bella wasn't coming back. I made my way to one of the guest rooms, instead. Sleep never came.
A/N
*peeks out from behind the couch*
I really can't think of anything to say, so, I'll just hope for the best here.
Reviews are better than singed eyebrows... duh!