Haven't updated in a while. Oh well. Here you go.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, I wouldn't be doing this if I did.

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Chapter 3: If It Moves, Shoot it Again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!"

"STAY STILL!!" BANG!

Ron ran past Hermione, Harry, Luna, Draco, Neville, and Britt….for the fifth time. Wolfe was in close pursuit, occasionally firing off a shot from his .50 cal Magnum. Why? You'll find out soon enough.

Luna sighed, "Well, he's lasted four laps longer than I thought he would last."

Harry nodded, "And with one in his shoulder too."

Draco looked at Harry, "I don't think that would impede his ability to run."

"Shut up shit-brick."

Draco winced, "Must you call me that?"

"I'll stop calling you that when you stop screaming every time…" Harry left the comment up in the air.

BANG!

"OH GOD MY LEG!!"

"Well, shall we go watch Wolfe kill him?" Hermione started walking to where Ron was undoubtedly bleeding all over the floor.

"Better than just standing here," Neville commented. Everyone else nodded.

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Wolfe had managed to finally shatter Ron's right kneecap in the Great Hall, where other students and teachers were having a late lunch.

"Finally…pant…got…pant…you," Wolfe panted (duh).

"Mr. Jercries, Mr. Weasley…" It was Dumbledore.

"Oh, hey professor, just finishing him off," Wolfe said, lifting his gun to deal the killing blow.

"Well, as much as I understand your motives Mr. Jercries, I would prefer if you took this outside where the bullet won't shatter the tiles. They're ever so difficult to repair."

"Oh, OK professor! Let's go, dead man," Wolfe said, beginning to drag Ron by the collar of his shirt.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Ron screamed, his words falling on deaf ears.

Dumbledore looked at his feet, "Mr. Filch, could you clean up this blood before it stains?"

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Wolfe took Ron outside, then tried to decide how would be the best way to kill the bastard. Whomping Willow? Nah. Feed him to Buckbeak? Been there, done that. Giant Squid? Oh, yeah!

Draco looked out over the grounds, "Hey, I thought he was gonna shoot him, what's he taking him to the lake for?"

"Baka!" Hermione said, slapping him upside his head, "He's obviously gonna feed him to the Giant Squid of Tentacle Rape Lake."

"I've always wondered why it was called that," Harry responded, scratching his head.

Anyway, back with Wolfe,

"Ready to get raped and torn apart, bitch?"

"NO! Why are you doing this? All I did was take one Danish! ONE apple flavored Danish!"

Wolfe pulled him until their noses were practically touching, "It's not just a Danish. IT'S A WAY OF LIFE!!" He then threw Ron into the lake, saying "Oh, BETTY! Someone wants to PLAY!!"

Silence, then…

"OH MY GOD! MY ANUS!!"

Luna patted Harry on the back, "Well, now you know why it's called that."

Eventually, Ron was killed by the Giant Squid. Don't worry, he'll be back next chapter. No one really dies. For good. The whole time he was getting raped and eaten, Wolfe was standing at the edge of the lake, laughing his ass off. Harry went blind, Neville puked, Britt fainted, Luna raised her eyebrows when the squid thought Ron had a vagina, Hermione blithered on about stuff she's read about squids doing that sort of thing, and Draco pretended to listen in the hopes he would score.

He didn't.

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Fin.

Hope you liked it. Till next time,

Soren.

Reviews of all kinds are accepted. Flames too. It makes me giggle to see your insults.