It was play time and I felt that my heart was going to jump out of my chest and run away from me, I was so worried. Jo was there and so was my Aunt, but mom wasn't. And Kendall wasn't. And without Kendall, my strength had left me and so had my breath. Where could he be? He knew how scared I was and he knows how much I depend on him, so why the hell is he missing this. I was lost in thought when Jo started snapping in my face.
"Wake up Bambi," she said right when she got in my face, "You have a show tonight."
"I know, but is Kendall here yet."
"No, but I'm sure he'll be here soon; anyway, stop worrying about him, you know how much he adores you, and you just need to worry about doing good."
"Yeah, but I can't focus if he's not here."
"Well, don't worry, you're going in this play blind, it's not like your gonna know."
"Please don't say that Jo," I said, not able to look at her, "Just tell me when he gets here."
"You really love him, don't you Logan," she said, turning towards the make-up case to the left.
"I thought that was obvious, it's not like I ever try to hide it."
"No, I'm not talking attraction love and I'm not talking comfort love, I'm talking about pure love; the kind of love were the idea of separating makes you want to die."
"I've always felt that way and you know it."
"Actually, it looked from the outside that he was a way to get over James quick. Sammy and I had a bet on how long you'd last together."
"That's kind of a mean thing to say - or do – Jo."
"You know I have a censorship policy; that there I should be absolutely censor less."
"Fine, I'll give you that, but can I ask why; what did it seem like to everyone else."
"It seemed like you were trying to blind yourself to everything else. You wouldn't leave his side, but you'd flinch when he'd touch you, like all you needed was someone with you, not someone to love."
"But he told me he'd loved me from the beginning."
"Yeah, well the way he let you use him like a child's toy at first made it obvious he was obsessed with just you being near. And you don't know how many times he called me, asking advice to try to get you to start acting like he was more than a friend you could sleep in the same bed with."
"I let him hold me."
"You didn't love love James till he died and you let him hold you anytime."
"Oh," I started to ponder what she was saying; I was always convinced we were going too fast, but apparently to everyone else, we weren't going at all.
"And there was that time you kicked him out."
"He told you about that!"
"He called me at like eleven at night wailing about how you hated him now and that he'd do anything to take back what he did. He wanted me to call and tell you how sorry he was, but I know my Bambi well enough to know that that would just upset you worse. What did he end up doing after that, I just stopped taking his calls?"
"He sat by the door all night until I came out."
"Wow. That was smart, and I didn't even help him."
"Yeah, it was one of the most amazing things anyone's ever done for me."
"Then that's when."
"When what?" I broke out of my haze again to look at Jo's smirking face; sometimes she looked just like Kendall.
"When you actually started to love him back."
"You're full of it."
"He wants to make you full of it."
"What's that even supposed to mean?" I shot her a questioning look when she started to laugh.
"Sometimes I forget how innocent you can be. It was a sex joke, you wouldn't get it," and as soon as she said it, it sent shivers down my spine. I was a little sensitive in the area of sex, still.
"Curtain Call," Miss Wainright said, running into the little dressing room and then running on to the next one. It was ten to a room and it wasn't like there were that many kids, but apparently, we were in a rush.
"I can't go on without Kendall."
"Well, thank god he's here," Jo said, giving me a kiss on the cheek and then running off, giving me the strength I needed to finally do this. I can't believe he didn't come to say 'hi' or anything, but he probably just arrived late, but right now, I have a show to put on. And it was going to be flawless.
So the play starts when Lucas (Carlos) is at swimming pool with two of his friends, Vin (me) and Mia (Camille), when he starts to have feeling for both of them. And they aren't mutual friendship feelings, but attraction and it totally scares him so he just tries to forget it. But then, Vin (me) makes an announcement the next day when they're all doing homework together in study hall.
"Why do you keep looking at me Mr. Vincent," Carlos started while we all were careful not to break the fake desk and the 2-dementional bookshelves, "it's creeping me out."
"I'm not looking at you," I respond, burying my face into one of the books I had to bring from home.
"You absolutely are and aren't telling me," Carlos replied, pulling the book down onto the desk a little too hard and Camille had to support it with her knees.
"I'm not."
"Yes you are and I want to know why"
"No!"
"Yes, do you want to read the book"
"NO"
"do you like my hair"
"that's a bit conceited; oh yeah, and NO"
"Do you like my backpack?"
"NO"
"Do you like my shirt?"
"NO"
"What about my pants"
"NO, NO, NO"
"What about me."
"Fine, you win, yes, I like you."
"Ha, you're very funny Vin, but really what."
"I'm being serious."
"Stop messing around, you're scaring me."
"I am, I'm gay."
"Fuck off and tell me the truth."
"He is pretty gay for you," Camille added, still having to keep the table with her knees.
"Shut up Mia," Carlos said, really getting into character and drawing back his fist; I put my hands in front of my face in defense when Camille stood up and took his fist.
"Stop this," She yelled, "If you don't want to hear it, then leave. Right Now," I don't know how Camille did it, because holding this freaking table up is hard. Carlos runs off stage left and the light goes off into a different scene and someone starts to fix the broken table.
So the next scene follow Carlos across the stage to the bed made of boxes, four wheels under a board and a comforter to cry when he hears about a party on the internet. To get his mind off of what happens, he goes to it and enjoys it more than he should. He starts to steel his dad's cigarettes and then one day, he gets invited to a 'Rave' (ecstasy party) and he encounters drugs for the first time. He tells one of the patrons at the club where they are having the party about what had happened to land him there and the patron started to ask questions.
"So, why did it bother you so much," Stephanie said, doing her best not to laugh at Carlos acting slightly high.
"It's just, I got scared," Carlos said, doing his best to come off serious and not looney.
"Why?"
"Because, I kind of am scared that maybe, I felt the same."
"Why would that be scary."
"I don't want to screw things up with him"
"Yeah, but it wouldn't hurt to try"
"Yeah, but love screws stuff up, always"
"What the hell makes you believe that"
"My parents; they won't even be in the same room together anymore and for the longest time, they said, 'I love you."
"That's a really bad way to approach things; that's one case when you have a life time to build better ones of your own. You should try, it could be what you need for you."
"I guess, you're right, but not yet, give me time"
"Take all the time you need, I'll never see you again anyway."
"Yeah, you're right."
I couldn't help, but started to laugh a little because the writing could be really contrived at points, but I didn't have a lot of time to do that because I needed to read through my parts again; I didn't know how I'd gotten so far in the first place. So, when he gets scared that it might be obvious he likes Vince a little, he starts to sleep with different girls at school on a regular basis to stress the fact that 'he liked women, a lot.' One night, someone laces the ecstasy with a tiny bit of crack and it gets to Lucas (Carlos) really bad to the point where he's kicked out of the club for almost killing someone. So he ends up at Vince (me, I was back on and this time in the box-bed) house and after a long time of confession and talking, they agree that maybe sex would be the best way to solve some of their frustrations and maybe help form a real relationship (I couldn't figure out how, but I also wasn't going to challenge Jennifer). So the flood light goes out and comes back on like it's the next morning with sex implied because we're all undone. Then my audition parts come up.
"Nice fuck last night, but I have to go," he said, climbing out of the bed in a pair of boxers.
"Wait, why are you leaving," I responded, trying to seem slightly distressed.
"I have real girls to go be with."
"But wait, Lucas, this isn't the way to go, you're stronger than this. We're stronger than this." I said, trying to convey the urgent emotion of the moment.
"There's no us," Carlos replied colder than Jennifer had, "You were a drunken fling like all the rest were. The difference is, I have to deal with you longer."
"You swore to me that you loved me. You swore this wasn't how it would end. You can't just go back on that promise now. Not after all we've been through together."
"I make a lot of promises and you were just another one of the million shattered ones. You're a good lay, nothing else."
"No, No, you can't just leave me like this, like one of your other sluts, we've known each other longer than this. You loved me longer than this."
"I didn't love you. I didn't ever love you. Don't start throwing that word around when you barely know what that means. You don't know half the things that I've been through. -."
"But I was there with you through it all and I put up with every ounce of crap you could throw at me, and that's why I know I mean more than just a nice ass to you."
"You're kidding yourself if you think that I actually loved you. I used you because I needed a friend and you were desperate, just like last night. I've gotta go."
"I don't understand, you just expect to leave."
"No, I don't expect anything more than satisfaction."
"If that's all you care about, I hope this satisfies you. I know about what you did to Marianne's brother and I have every intention in this world to expose you for it." He pushed me against the weak head-board lightly to not break another thing before leaning into me with a knife.
"You aren't gonna say shit."
"What are you going to do, kill me."
"I could do that and you know Just as well as I that I could."
I backed away and he stormed out off of the stage, forcing me to stifle giggles in the box-pillows; damn that hurt. Anyway, after he finishes with me, Marianne becomes a strong presence in his life and slowly, they start to become a duo. Sex was involved, but it was more about freedom and comfort than intimacy and they both stated it off the bat. Random sex become more prevalent and different drugs as they both desperately tried to change themselves and forget about life. Different hair colors, strange outfits, styles that didn't fit with the norm. They become 'scene kids' just for the purpose of not having to realized what they'd really become because it scared them both. Finally one night during a party, Lucas ends up taking a bad form of ecstasy and almost dies before the paramedics show up.
This is how the play was supposed to go: While in the hospital, Vin come by to confess his undying love for Lucas which this time he finally accepts, stating that he realized now that he could never truly drive Vin away. Mia comes to terms with this and after a stint in rehab together, Lucas and Mia overcome their addiction and the play ends with the three friends walking out of the Rehab together and back into the everyday world.
This is how it really went: Jo ran up from backstage in a panic to me and Carlos while Camille faked out getting out of arrest for sex and instantly, we knew the news was bad.
"Carlos, Logan, someone set your house on fire," she said, desperately trying to catch her breath.
"Whose house," I cried out, grabbing her by the shoulders.
"Yours."
"What?"
"Kendall was over at your house with your mom trying to bring you your contacts when a few kids around town threw something in the house on fire. It burned to the ground Logan. It's gone and they were there. I have no idea of anyone else."
I looked at her with my mouth wide open, "I thought Kendall was here," trying to see if maybe I said it enough, it would be true.
"No! I lied. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please. I – I don't even know. They're in the hospital now. There's no report on Kendall, but he's the one in the hospital. Look Logan, I don't know how he's doing, so if you want to go, I'll take you."
"You aren't going anywhere," Ms. Wainright said, "the plays almost over, then you can go. Just give it ten minutes."
"To hell with that," Carlos yelled, running out the back door, when Jo grabbed my arm.
"Don't go, you have to finish, you know how important this is, I swear I'll have the car ready for you as soon as your finished, just go get it done."
"What do I say," I asked Kelly while tears rolled down my face.
"Improv it," Camille said while Jo ran out the back door like Carlos did, "I've got a doctor out there now talking about how Lucas isn't doing well, we can finish it with he's dead."I nodded before taking her hand and going on stage, her play crying, me real crying out of terror. It was horrifying to think that I could lose Kendall like I lost James. It was unthinkable.
"He's dead," I said, falling to my knees while I sobbed.
"NO, you're lying," she cried out, tears starting to hit the ground in loud drops.
"No, No, he overdosed, he's gone and he's left us both here, screwed as what to do next."
"We can make it," she responded, getting down with me.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean to me."
"It means, we have to live for him, we have to survive so that his memory can. For all the good times and the real times. Those memories *sob* can't die." This was bringing up James more than I had hoped. But, Camille decided to make this the most emotional ending ever to my already fragile state. "He regretted hurting you more than you can understand, but one thing he always said was, your voice could bring the dead back to life it was so beautiful."
It seemed really far off for her to make the comment, especially in the state I was in, but I played along, "He did, he loved me."
"Yeah he did"
"Then why did it end like this, why couldn't we have died happy together than him going like this."
"Life's a bitch, but would you do me a favor."
"What the *sob* hell kind of favor could I do right now."
"Sing for me, help me forget." She gave a smile for an instant and I got what she was doing, she was trying to get me to close the show with a song, and at the moment, I had a specific one in my mind.
"Ok *sob* kay," and then I started, trying my best not to cry to much:
I can't *sob* remember when
He looked at me and cried
Said something broke inside of you
Were my best friend
Whatever come our way
You know I'm your *whimper* gal 'till the e-e-end
(my soggy cheeks began to hurt, but the emotion was flowing through me so hard, I just wanted to finish so I could go)
When I finally go away
I know you'll look for me one day
When you let love down
Oh you let love down
I don't have to remind you
But you know that I'm around
When you let love down
Oh you let me down
Get a little love down
Let it down oh oh
(I re-fell to my knees after trying to stand up, but this time it wasn't acting, it was fear)
[ Lyrics from: .com/lyrics/l/lady_gaga/let_love_ ]
I can't remember when
You put your *sob* hands on mine
But couldn't play in time when we
We're *whimper* not *whimper* together
Just sing a little song *sob*
Blueberry kisses foreve-e-er
When I finally go away
I know you'll look for me one day
Oh yeah it's so sad
When you let love down
Oh you let love down
I don't have to remind you
But you know that I'm around
When you let love down
Oh you let me down
(I fell to my side, lying on the floor like it was a bed while my head rested on my arm and the drops fell to the ground)
Get a little love down
Let it down oh oh
Oh oh
Don't let me down
Oh don't let me down
Oh oh
When you let love down
Oh you let love down
I don't have to remind you
But you know that I'm around
When you let love down
Oh you let me down
Don't let me down *sob*
Let it *sob* down
Can't let love *sob* down
Let it *sob* down
Won't let love down
Let it down
"You. *sob* Let. *whimper* Love. *wipe tears* Down."
And then just as rapidly as I had finished, I jumped off the stage and ran out the back door, the audience watching in pure intrigue.