Sonic Insanity

Only 1 more fan character, everybody! Read and RSVP (review sil vous plait, or review if you please). I have the feeling I used that joke before. The quote about love and ice cream is from my friend Tracy.

40th chapter! All right!

Thanks for the quotes, D.O.

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"Hah! As if I need your help to get us out of here!" Sonic scoffed. "I can get us out of here like THAT!"

He charged directly at the bars of their cell, apparently attempting to destroy them by ramming with his head. Sonic fell in a heap, nursing his injury.

"If I get you out of here," Liza said, "you have to promise to keep Amy distracted while I try for Shadow."

Sonic gulped. That meant voluntarily attracting Amy's attention. He could hardly imagine anything more repulsive, but he needed to get out of this jail cell. "You know," he said, trying to sound casual, "maybe you should just forget your love for Shadow."

Her eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"

"It's like my dear friend Albert always said," Sonic proclaimed. "Sonic, he would croak through the tracheoctomy pipe thingy, if there's one thing I've learned from life, it's this. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, mad cool. If they don't, well, there's always ice cream…" He trailed off, seeing the murderous glint in her eyes.

Several seconds later, there was a Sonic-shaped indentation in the wall, and Sonic lay in a dusty heap under it while Liza tried to control her rage.

"That's the WORST saying EVER!" she bellowed. "Not only is it completely untrue and nonsensical, but it's preposterous!"

"Whether it applies or not is irrelevant," Sonic insisted. "You just have to trust in the heart of the cards!"

Liza rolled her eyes. She delivered a stunning roundhouse kick worthy of Chuck Norris to the door's hinges, knocking them off and allowing them an escape route.

Meanwhile, in the warden's office, the Warden (Mark the Hedgehog) sat in his office, trying to play darts with sharpened pencils. Unfortunately, it wasn't working.

"Good Lord, why won't the darts stick?" he screamed furiously as his "darts" clattered off the "dartboard."

"Maybe it's because your dartboard is just a big red circle painted onto a concrete wall," sniggered a random henchman. Mark threw the pencil at the henchman, lodging it in the henchman's forehead.

"Well, at least they're useful for something," the Warden finally admitted. He turned his attention to the video monitors. He could see two of his prisoners escaping.

"We can't have that!" he chuckled. Mark radioed to his guards. "Guards, get to the northwest corridor and stop them two prisoners from escaping!"

Back in the hall…

"That's what your mom said last night!" taunted Sonic.

"I didn't say anything, Sonic," Liza growled.

"No, I was talking to the author," Sonic replied. "He said 'Back in the hall,' and I was responding to that."

"Um… aaaaaaaannnnnyyyyyyway," Liza said nervously.

They rounded the corner, only to duck back again. There were tons of armed guards, all of which were now shooting at them. Bullets whizzed past them as they ducked low.

"Be quiet!" whispered Sonic. "There may be enemies about."

Liza seriously considered pushing him into the line of fire, but then she realized that Amy might go after Shadow, so she settled for yelling at him instead.

"You think?" she hollered.

"Stay back!" Sonic hollered. "This is no job for a woman. Such matters are better left to men… you know, people actually capable of something."

Liza's eye twitched. Then she remembered that she still loved Shadow despite his chauvinist tendencies, so she stopped. "So, Mr. Manly Man, you think you can take care of those guards?"

"No need," Sonic grinned as a bullet hit the wall next to his head.

"What do you mean no need, they'll kill us!" Liza snarled.

"Nonsense," scoffed Sonic. "You see, these guards are clearly of limited AI."

"But they don't have artificial intelligence, they have real intelligence!" argued Liza.

"Are you kidding? These guards are nothing but video-game style enemies," Sonic smiled condescendingly. "Knowing enemy AI, not only will they miss every time, but they'll also forget about us as long as they can't see us!"

Thirty minutes later…

"Just as I thought," Sonic grinned.

"Just as you thought? They haven't stopped shooting!" Liza growled.

"But their AI is bad- they haven't run out of bullets yet! Only stupid game designers would-" began Sonic.

"This isn't a game! We could die!" shouted Liza. "Go deal with it!"

"Go deal with it," growled Sonic. He stepped out from around the corner, and all the guards stopped shooting (of course).

Sonic reached to his hips, his hands curving around the shape of two heavy guns. Bringing his hands up, his index fingers jammed where the trigger would be… if he had been holding any guns.

Liza seethed.

"Man, what a rip-off!" Sonic protested. "No guns strapped to my legs at all times? What do they think this is, some kind of gun safety protest?"

"What did you expect, this is a maximum security prison!" shouted Liza.

"Still… I mean, it's like they're intentionally trying to disarm us or something!" Sonic shouted. Liza put her head in her hands. "It's finally here… after the years of hypocrisy and lies, America has finally truly become what it always partly was… this place is a PRISON!"

"YOU THINK?" bellowed Liza.

"Um… let's try something else," Sonic tried. He turned to the guards. "Although where we stand is a prison, the mother land has now become everything we once stood against! Secretly, THEY try to lock us in, building cages of propaganda and keeping us satisfied with entertainment. But it was all meant to distract us from the undeniable, horrifying TRUTH! The truth that wise men cried over so many times, yet we were powerless to halt our march toward that end!"

Liza began to protest, but he winked at her and continued.

"Our bigoted laws and subconscious prejudices overlapped each other, eventually trapping us under the weight of years of injustice. And now we can do nothing about it! We are now enslaved to a deceitful corporate-controlled power, a society that has locked us with chains of corruption and thrown away the key along with everything we once stood for! Now, who's with me?"

"US!" shouted the guards, captivated by his every word and looking rebellious.

"We will be a lone fist rising in a sea of conformity, a dissenting voice in a crowd united by their ignorance! We will expose the Man's sins and smash the TV! The education system will be revealed to be the miserable conniving pack of lies it always was, and the radio broadcasts will be the truth rather than a fiction concocted by the rich to exploit the weak!"

The guards, overcome by his words, stood with tears in their eyes.

"Now… as one, as brothers, we are the uprising!" Sonic bellowed. "Everyone… CHARGE!"

Sonic neatly stepped out of the way as the guards charged with pride in their hearts, running right into a wall and knocking themselves unconscious.

Liza was speechless.

"Piece of cake," Sonic grinned. "Now, let's get out of here!"

But, just as they were about to exit through the door, a large number of robotic guards appeared, brandishing guns. They looked as if they might not be convinced by a long anti-government speech.

"Um… time to bust out my secret agent skills," Sonic said calmly.

There was a big puff of smoke, which was not large enough to conceal Sonic hastily changing into a tight black secret agent outfit. When the dust cleared, Sonic was in a fighting stance, his lips set in a defiant smirk.

When the robots attacked him, Sonic did nothing but his usual Homing Attacks to defeat them. One of them fired an energy missile at him. Sonic tried to grab the missile, hoping to fling it back at the robot. It failed, and rings spilled everywhere as Sonic went flying backward in slo-mo. Quickly gathering up his rings, Sonic delivered a stunning kick to the robot's mid-section, throwing it into a conveniently placed gong. The gong sounded as the robot hit it.

Sonic did a martial-arts-style bow, clasping his hands and bending at the waist. He straightened up, no longer wearing his secret agent clothing.

"Let's get out of here," he said.

"Well, see ya later," she said, and she disappeared around the corner as they left the jail.

Sonic stared. His head whipped toward the corner. He had let it go… what he'd always dreamed of… just when he thought he'd finally had it…

"Love?" asked an old woman sympathetically.

"No, the cheeseburger that guy was carrying," Sonic said, his eyes fixed on a large Burger King sign.

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One of our longer chapters! Review!