Sonic Insanity

Hi everyone! Addressing the length of the fic- the shortest I will make a chapter is 3 pages (in Word), and the longest is probably around 5 or 6 at a stretch. Longer chapters means less frequent updates, but I'm comfortable with chapter length and update speed right now. Review please!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As usual, everyone was just hanging out at Sonic's house. Knuckles and Shadow were watching TV, Sonic was blogging, and Tails was bothering him about a new invention.

"Well, the other day there was this invention on TV called Braille subtitles," Tails said. "So I decided to come up with something that could help blind people too! This will be a way for blind people to drive safely!"

Until the last sentence, Sonic hadn't been paying the slightest bit of attention. Now he was jolted into action. This could be interesting, and he could claim credit for it in case it was worth any money. "Oh? What is it?"

"Braille road signs," Tails said.

"What?" howled Sonic.

"Blind people can stick their hands out their car windows and feel the signs!" Tails said brightly.

Sonic sputtered with rage.

"I'll go now," said Tails nervously, closing the door behind him as Sonic burst forth with fury. He took out some binoculars and began scanning the front yard. Those lawn gnomes might start a mutiny…

Meanwhile, Knuckles and Shadow were trying to decide what channel to watch.

"Queer Eye For The Straight Guy?" asked Knuckles. "I'm not watching that!"

"Remember when we watched it before?" asked Shadow. "It was good!"

"As I recall, you snarled at us to turn it off," Knuckles pointed out.

"Be quiet! I've become less homophobic since then," Shadow declared. "Let's watch it!"

"Well, I heard somewhere that this season isn't in Manhattan," Knuckles said.

"Really?" wondered Shadow. "Where is it?"

"And now, after the commercial break, we return to Queer Eye: Texas!"

"Texas? How are they going to pull that off? The state has a huge percentage of homophobes!" Shadow demanded.

"We'll just have to see," Knuckles grinned.

"Wow, that was pretty sick," Shadow pointed out. "You're actively anticipating watching gay people be persecuted for their sexual preference."

"What? No! Of course not! I just always wanted to watch something bad happen to Carson," Knuckles smiled.

"Because he's gay, probably! You homophobe!" Shadow spat.

"Hah! I say you're defending your own homosexuality!" Knuckles boasted.

"NEVER!" Shadow roared.

"Watch the show, you dimwits!" Will Ferrell called from inside the TV.

"Will Ferrell? What are you doing on Queer Eye?" Shadow inquired.

"Well, after I made a good 50 movies in 3 years and only 10 of them did well, I realized that my film career is dead," Ferrell said. "So, I might as well just use my gay image to maximum comedic effect!"

"But you don't have a gay image!" Shadow pointed out.

"He looks gay," Knuckles said.

"He does not!"

"I do not!" Will sneered.

"Will, stop talking to the camera and come on!" some guy on the screen called.

"See you later!" Will called, running off with the rest of the Fab Five (or the Fab Six now).

"This is disgusting," Shadow said with disgust. "I'm out of here. I don't want to watch gay people get picked on just because they're gay."

"Turns out this season does take place in Manhattan after all!" the TV guy said. Shadow returned to his seat. "Now for Queer Eye!"

A half hour later, Shadow was chuckling slightly, and Knuckles was in a horrible mood.

"Oh, lighten up, you know that was funny," Shadow cried.

"Me lighten up? Who said 'death to all who oppose me' every ten minutes in his last video game?" Knuckles said, outraged.

"I took therapy sessions!" Shadow wailed.

Flashback…

"I don't know where my life is going, doc," Shadow mused sadly, lying on a therapist's couch. "I can't stop killing people and aliens and robots, evil galactic warlords teleport me around whenever they feel like it, and worst of all, Eggman may be connected to my past! What should I do?"

"Well, about this murder rampage business," the therapist said, taking notes. "You may want to find alternatives to conflict. You have a natural desire to seek a quick, violent solution. But find your peace inside! Tell these people how you feel about their attempts to shoot you!"

"Well, what about the other stuff?" Shadow asked.

"On the other hand," the therapist continued, "to keep this galactic warlord from teleporting you around, you have to stand up for yourself! Know in your heart that you're just as good a person as he is! If not better!"

"I sure hope I'm better than that," shuddered Shadow. "How about Eggman?"

"Well, look at your birth records," the therapist suggested. "Make sure that Eggman might not be your father, and th-"

"CHAOS DELETED!" snarled Shadow. There was a sound like the Deleted-email noise on Strong Bad E-mail, and the therapist disappeared.

End flashback…

"They don't go that well, though," Shadow admitted grudgingly. "But still, you should lighten up about Queer Eye! It's a good show!"

"The whole time, one thing really bugged me," Knuckles growled.

"What's that? Close similarities to your own life?"

"NO!" Knuckles bellowed, beginning to throttle Shadow with no sign of stopping.

"Easy does it, homie," warned Shadow in a goofy voice. (Imagine the voice of the funniest kid you know, and imagine him/her saying that. Yes, I know that's a cheap way for a laugh.)

"Easy does- WHAT? That's ridiculous!" snarled Knuckles.

"Get off!" grumbled Shadow, flinging the echidna away from him. "So, what bugged you about the show?"

"What bugged me is how none of the straight guys stand up for themselves!" Knuckles shouted. "The gay guys walk in to make the straight guys gay, and what do the straight guys do? They just say, 'Oh, whatever you say, Mr. Gay Guy!' It's ridiculous! Where's the heterosexual pride?" Knuckles extended his fist to the sky and screamed at the top of his lungs, causing Shadow to wince.

"Now hear this, Queer Eye guys!" he roared. "I (censored, and no, he did not actually say the word censored) challenge you to make over our house! One thing's for sure… we won't go without a fight! Give me masculinity or give me death! I'll never back down to a bunch of flamboyantly homosexual guys who want to change my way of life just for entertainment! However much Tails may want our house to be utterly gay… I'll never give in! Do you hear me? NEVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!" he shrieked with the volume of a volcanic mountain spontaneously collapsing during a Metallica concert. The pure sound echoed for miles around, literally audible from every point on the globe. His challenge rang in the air for several minutes until Knuckles, blue in the face, gasped for air.

"Oh, hi, Knuckles," Tails said. "I thought I heard you say something."

"Yeah, he called you gay at one point," Shadow said, earning a kick from Knuckles.

"Speaking of gay people…" Tails opened the window. The entire cast of Queer Eye was camped outside, holding guns and weapons of all kinds.

"Looks like they've accepted the challenge," Tails said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Uh-oh… will the Sonic crew be able to defend themselves from the Queer Eye gang? Stay tuned to find out (and review while you're hanging out there).