Sonic Insanity

Read and review, everybody. I am submitting one day early because tomorrow, I'm leaving on a trip to Quebec for my French class at school.

NOTE: I just realized that I am too far ahead in writing Sonic Insanity. I have the entirety of Chapter 46 written (this is Chapter 42). I'll stop writing new ones until I'm a little less far ahead.

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"You better clean up your act, mister!" snapped one of the Queer Eye guys, examining the windowsill and calling in through the open window. "This definitely needs some fuchsia paint!"

"I know," said another one, regarding the arrangement of the chairs on the front porch. "These chairs have seriously violated the feng shui of this porch!" He continued to hum "Stupid Girls" by Pink.

"That does it, boys!" said a third one, probably Carson as he was dressed the most flamboyantly. "We can't take this! Maybe we can't modify the indoors… but we certainly can change the outside! CHARGE!"

Armed with curtains, paint, furniture and carpeting, the Queer Eye guys charged upon the house.

Inside the house, Sonic was huddled in a corner, miserably scrawling in a journal.

Day 5: They surround us. We have no escape. Supplies low, morale same, Tails is weak. We're all giving part of our food to him, but we can't last much longer. He's shivering and he's cold… we cannot remain here. Sooner or later we will have to give in to their-

"Hey, Sonic!" Tails said cheerfully, munching on a huge bag of potato chips and bouncing energetically on the couch.

Knuckles was barricading the door with heavy objects, crouched against it with a rifle in hand. "They'll never take us alive, mark my words! Whatever happens, we will never submit! Just send my best to Mother if I die valiantly…"

"Knuckles, if you die, it will be on your knees, begging for your life with tears streaming down your face," said Shadow menacingly, holding a massive samurai sword. "Or maybe in a freak pogo stick accident."

Knuckles looked furiously at his accuser. "Yeah, well, if you die, it'll probably be by tripping into a vat of boiling custard or something, faker."

"Faker? This is between you and me, knucklehead, Sonic doesn't enter this conversation," hissed Shadow.

"Will you cut it out?" Tails growled. "We have more important things to worry about."

"Yeah, like the horde of gay guys trying to make over our house… because KNUCKLES here practically invited them!" Shadow screeched, stabbing the wall with his samurai sword.

"It's nothing we can't handle," scoffed Knuckles.

"There must be twenty or thirty guys out there!" Shadow insisted, trying to pull out the sword.

"So what? I can easily take on six guys by myself!" Knuckles declared, not noticing the small difference in size between six and twenty. Shadow put his head in his hands.

"Guys, don't we also have to worry about the lack of food?" Tails asked, eating several pies. "We'll run out eventually, cause we can't get to the store… right?"

"Nah… I know how to cook," said Knuckles calmly.

Tails struggled to keep his voice level. "But," he said, a note of rage creeping into his voice, "what about when we run out of ingredients to cook with?"

"Don't worry, I'll just cook something up when that happens," Knuckles grinned.

"THAT'S RIDICULOUS!" howled Sonic.

"Yeah!" Tails added.

"Knuckles, since when do you know how to cook?" accused Sonic.

Tails exploded. "The issue is getting food! It doesn't matter if he can cook or not- he won't have any ingredients to cook if we run out of food! We're gonna have to either find a way to get food or get these guys out of here!"

Knuckles was listening to rap music.

"Nobody listens to me!" sighed Tails.

Suddenly, the sound of filtering gas entered the room. A sinister green gas floated in through the vents.

"It's methane! It's Agent Orange! It's oxygen! It's the gravy train! It's poison gas!" gibbered Knuckles. "Put on these gas masks, and quickly! Try to conserve the air supply!" He began handing out equipment.

Sonic stared with disgust at the so-called "gas mask." "Knuckles, these are shot glasses hooked up to helium tanks."

It was too late. Shadow and Tails had already taken deep breaths of helium.

"Try to take normal breaths, I read that somewhere," said Shadow in a really high voice.

"OH NO!" howled Knuckles.

"What?" asked Tails… in his regular voice, even though he'd taken a huge gulp of helium.

"They've converted him without even entering the house!" Knuckles cried. "They've turned him to their cause! They must have poisoned the oxygen! Shadow gone… what next? Shadow the Hedgehog was a brave, mangy piece of black fur, willing to lay down his life and his-"

"They have not turned him gay!" Sonic snarled angrily. "Just because his voice became high doesn't mean he's gay! I've never heard anything so stupidly homophobic!"

"Well, if they didn't do it, who did?" Knuckles asked smugly.

"You did, with your 'oxygen tanks,' you fool!" Sonic growled. "It was helium!"

"But I just wanted to protect us from the poison gas!" whined Knuckles. "Now we'll all die! So much for that pogo stick accident-"

"This isn't poison gas," said Tails, holding out a gloved hand. Some of the "gas" landed on his hand, dyeing it light green.

"It's spray paint!" gasped Sonic. "They're trying to paint our walls by spraying paint through the air system!"

"I'll never allow it!" Knuckles shrieked, his eyes bulging. He pulled out a fire hose and began to try to wash the paint of the walls. It didn't work. All that he succeeded in was spraying Shadow, looping the hose around a trophy case full of Sonic's video games, and sending the trophy case flying into Tails. Soon everybody was mad at him, but they were more concerned about getting rid of the paint.

"Take cover!" screeched Knuckles, as if you could take cover from gas.

"How?" pointed out Tails. "It's gas."

"Not the gas, you fool! That!" With a shattering of glass, a large, pink-and-orange couch came soaring into the room. Following it came a load of lavender-and-magenta sweaters, a stack of Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair magazines, and a set of Brokeback Mountain DVDs.

"They're trying to fill our house with stuff associated with being gay!" Sonic cried, as if anyone had not realized this.

"We'll just mail it to Big, he might appreciate it," snickered Knuckles.

"Hey!" protested Big. "I don't want that stuff!"

There was a short pause.

"Magenta is so not my color!" Big announced.

The pause continued.

"What? I said the punch line!" Big whined.

"No, we're just waiting for you to realize you're not supposed to be here and say something like, 'er, I'll just go now,'" Knuckles told him.

"Er… I'll just go now," Big said, edging out of the house.

The hail of objects stopped. Curious, Shadow stuck his head out of the house, through a broken window.

"How about this?" he shouted. "The four of us will fight the five of you in single combat! If we win, you have to go away and return our house to the way it was before! If we lose, we have to move into a different house! Got it?"

The Queer Eye guys discussed it, and nodded.

"All right… we'll meet you in the stadium at noon tomorrow!" Shadow yelled, walking back inside.

"What stadium?" Knuckles asked.

"Um… well, we could use the garage…"

"Great plan…"

"Shut up."

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The battle for the house next chapter!