Chapter 6
I walked into the Cullen's house with Renee behind me and Edward in front. I looked at the clock and it said 4:00, which meant if Jasper was going to come then it would be soon. I walked into the living room with Edward gave him the eyes that said could I have some alone time with my mom, I need to talk to her about something. He understood immediately and walked away leaving us together to plan things out.
"Mom, Charlie said cremate him. I will do what he wanted and then I need to go back with you. We can get everything settled in Phoenix and I won't have to ruin Edward and Jaspers lives anymore then I already have." I finished my speech breathless and I don't know why but I felt a bit empty. Like my body already knew that I was going to miss Edward too much to even explain in words. I let a sigh escape my mouth and my head dropped into my hands.
"Bella I will respect your wishes and do what you want, but I will say that I think you're making a tough decision and that you might need Edward in the future. But I will take you with me and we shall leave in two days. I will send Phil back here to get your things and honey I'm so sorry this had to happen so soon." She pulled me into another hug and sobs broke through making me exhausted. I sat there in my mother's arms for what seemed like hours. I knew in reality it was only minutes. "I'm going to call a cab to take me to the hotel, you tell Jasper and Edward your decision today. Then tomorrow we shall go to the hospital and pack some things for you to take when we leave."
"Ok, thank you mom for everything you're helping me with. I love you." I watched her walk out to the front porch before I went to Edward's room to see what he was doing. What surprised me was that Jasper was on the couch in there and I don't remember him coming in. When they noticed me walking into the room they both rushed to my side but I just shooed them away.
"Bella what is going on please tell me." Jasper was being really whinny today.
"Sit!" gosh can you take a hint; I don't want to be standing next to you so sit down. Edward got on the left side of the couch and jasper on the right. I sat in the middle Indian style facing Jasper and leaning on Edward's shoulder.
"I'm going to need you both to not say or do anything while I say what I am doing," they both nodded at me and I started the story. "You both should know that Charlie died and well I no have no house or anything. Well I think that it would be best if for my senior year I went with Renee. I can get help and still have my parent with me." They both sat there with mouths hanging open. I turned and dangled my legs off the couch, grabbed both of their hands and gave them a little squeeze." WE can talk on the phone an... and you can come visit me if you want." I started crying freely but kept explaining, "I can't stay here anymore. I needed him and he left me!" My face was sitting in my hands and I just cried waiting for them to say something, anything.
"Bella…" Jasper started but the tears caught up to him and he pulled me into his embrace. I looked at Edward and he still looked shocked and wouldn't look back at me.
"Ed…" He cut me off by putting his hand in the air. Before saying what he needed to.
"You're telling me, that you are leaving? Last night you say you love me and now you're just throwing that away like garbage!? Isabella! Why in the world would you do this, I can't believe you!" He stormed out of the room and into the piano room. I just curled into Jaspers body not able to register that Edward, the one I love, my best friend probably wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. I dozed off not able to handle anymore.
dream
"Bella, how could you do this to me?" Edward was crying I don't know how I could watch.
"Edward it's for your own good." I tried explaining.
"I don't care anymore, you are nothing to me and I don't know if I will ever be able to see to you again." He was so harsh and just walked away leaving me by myself. I curled into a ball and started to cry.
I woke up with Jasper rubbing circles in my back and I was crying. "Bella, it's ok. He will come around. I think that it's best if you stay at my house though. Call your mom and then tomorrow you can talk to him, things will get better." He sounded so calm and it felt like his feelings were being transferred from his finger tips to me.
"No Jasper I'm not going to screw up anyone else's life. I will just stay in Emmet's room or something. You need to get home, and if you want to tomorrow you can hang out with me and my mom and then I'm leaving Thursday. God jasper I'm going to miss you."
"You too Bella and I would love to spend tomorrow with you and your mom." He said and stood me up and got up beside me. He wrapped me into his arms and then let me go after a few seconds. "Call me when you want me to come over." I nodded and he walked out of the room. It seems like all I do is hurt people these days. Edward and Jasper what am I going to do with yall? I walked out of Edward's room and searched for Emmet but ran into somebody. I started to fall backwards but was caught by two strong arms.
"You might want to be a little more careful Bella; we wouldn't want you to get hurt." I laughed as Emmet placed me back on my feet. "Edwards out in his car and I think you should go talk to him." He got serious
"Emmet I can't." I started crying again and Emmet wrapped me in a hug like my dad would do if we had a fight. "I wish he would get it but he doesn't understand that I can't stay here and ruin his life or Jasper's anymore." My tears kept falling faster and faster.
"Bella, calm down. I will try talking to him you just go to my room and try sleeping." I did what I was told again and walked to his room. I got to his bed and pulled his blankets over me and curled into a ball. I couldn't stop crying and I haven't even left yet. I couldn't fall asleep, knowing that Edward wouldn't want to see me again and that we probably wouldn't ever be friends again. The door opened and I was hoping that it was Edward but Emmet walked through.
"What did he say?" I needed to know if I could ever fix things between us again. I mean just last night we were telling how much we loved each other.
"You need to give him some time, I know for sure he wants to see you off but I don't know if he wants to hang out with you while you do the cremation stuff."
"Ok, thank you Emmet." I wiped my tears away and curled back into the bed. "Emmet?"
"Yes Bella?" He whispered to me.
"Can you stay here with me? I really need a big brother right now." I sniffled a little and waited to see if he would answer.
"Of course Bella." He crawled in with me, kind of reminding me of last night. Except the way he held me was like my brother holding me if I had one. I drifted off to sleep.
Emmet's snoring woke me up around 3 am and I was a little thirsty. I wiggled out of his embrace and rolled out of his bed and walked to the kitchen. Walking in the Cullen house in the dark was a little scary and I didn't really want to be walking around without anyone to scare away vampires lurking in the corners. But I had to be brave tonight and go get my water. I got out a cup as quietly as I could and poured me some water from the filter. Taking a sip of it and sitting down felt wonderful to me, like I was drinking water that would give me enough strength to kill an irritable grizzly. Thoughts were running through my mind as I sat in the dark, quiet, huge house. I needed to go to the hospital.
I stood up quickly and rushed to the key hanger. I knew which one was Edwards and took it off and ran to his car, I'm surprised I didn't trip on the way there or something. I opened the garage door and raced out of the drive way before anyone woke up. The familiar roads looked different in the dark, passing the high school reminding me of the way things had been 24 hours ago. The trees looked as dreary as ever, and the normal amount of rain poured down from above. It's like the sky knew my exact feelings and was crying with me. I pulled into the hospital parking and rushed inside. It wasn't as busy as normal but it was still moving.
I walked up to the front desk and waited till the nurse looked up at me to explain to her what I needed to happen. "Hello I am Bella Swan, Charlie Swan's daughter. He was cremated today and I want to take his ashes and spread them?"
She smiled knowing that there isn't a certain way to put that, "If you follow me I can take you to where he's held." She gave me a box of tissues and walked me toward a room. Opening a door I felt a wave of depression wash over me. I couldn't see much because my vision was blurred automatically. "I have what you need and I will walk you to your car. That is if you are able to drive in this state." She faced me with something in her hand. We walked out of the room and through the front office outside. I lead her to my car and when I opened the door to get inside she handed me my dad (I know how horrible that sounds but I have no other way to put it.)
"Thank you; I don't know what I would have done without you to help me do this." I mustered up a little smile before I got in my car and drove off. I saw the same views as coming here but I really did notice anything about where I was going. I had to let Charlie live, metaphorically speaking.
When I pulled up to the cliff over seeing the ocean I took a deep breath and looked at the view. This was the last place I will see my Father because I was letting him go. I stepped out of the car and walked as close as I could to the edge without falling in. The wind swirled my around my head and I stood there for a moment letting myself cry without being self conscious. I opened up his holding place and I let the ashes fall into the ocean. The waves crashed against the rocks taking my father with them, how I longed to tell him how much he meant to me, how I wished to say I loved him once more. I dropped to the ground and curled up bringing my legs to my chest I rested my head on my legs for a few moments until I got so mad I couldn't help but let out my frustration.
"HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME!? I'M NOT READY FOR YOU TO GO YET DAD!" I stood and looked up towards the sky as I screamed at it, "COULD YOU NOT TELL I NEEDED YOU!? RENEE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND LIKE YOU DO! SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME THE SAME WAY! YOU HELPED ME BUT SHE DOESN"T KNOW HOW MY MIND WORKS!" I just let myself get pulled under and let out a blood curdling scream. "AHHH." I fell back and was caught once again. But I didn't want to be caught; I wanted to fall into the depths of nothingness, I wanted to forget everything that had happened. I fought against the arms that held me, turned around and hit this person over and over wishing he would just let me go. "STOP IT!" I screamed at him, "I DON"T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! I'M TIRED OF LIVING JUST LET ME GO!" I cried even harder and still they wouldn't drop me so I just gave up. And fell to my knees my head in his shins. "Daddy, why did you leave? I still need you here." I cried and held onto his legs. "You couldn't have waited a few more weeks? I could have helped myself and been emotionally ready. I love you and I wish I could hear your voice once more…" I whispered into the dark night, but I stopped there my voice was gone and all I had left were tears. Two arms picked me up, "Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY!?" My voice gradually getting louder I couldn't stop myself I just repeat the same thing. I heard two voices from around me but I didn't care, there wasn't anything that I cared about anymore. "Edward…" I whispered. I wish he would understand now I felt. I wish he knew about the things that were going on right now. I cried even harder knowing our relationship would never be repaired. "Please understand…" I whispered now hoping somebody would hear me. I was too lazy to open my eyes but I heard somebody calling my name. I didn't want to listen; instead I let songs play through my head that I knew would be played at his funeral if he had one.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the
memories
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on
the edge of something much too deep
it's funny how we feel so
much but we cannot say a word
we are screaming inside, but we
can't be heard…
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm
the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm
the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
and I know
I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there
Once again my tears took over; I turned into his shirt and wiped my eyes on it before continuing the search through my head
"'Cos there's holes in the floor of Heaven,
"And her
tears are pouring down.
"That's how you know she's
watching,
"Wishing she could be here now.
"An'
sometimes if you're lonely,
"Just remember she can
see.
"There's holes in the floor of Heaven
"And she's
watching over you and me."
I stopped after that last song because who knew how much more I could take? When I finally decided I should open my eyes I found myself in Edwards's living room, in Edward's arms. I rubbed an arm across my face and curled into him not knowing what else to do.
"When did you leave Bella? Why didn't you get one of us?" He sounded angry and I didn't want him to be mad anymore.
"Did you not watch me out there? I was horrible and it was meant for me and my dad not anybody else." I sounded a bit pissed to myself. But I didn't care. I was pissed; he had no right to follow me. I tried to get out of his arms once more but he didn't think that was the best plan. I kicked and screamed till I felt my leg hit something; I looked up confused and saw Esme, Carlisle and Emmet sitting around us. They all looked worried and a bit mad; I might have even seen some tired looks. Great Edward wasn't the only one who saw me like that they did also.
"Bella dear why didn't you wake us?" Esme said she was the most worried I guess.
"You freaking just walked out of my door Bella, I could've helped!" Ouch the mad one of course Emmet.
"Honey couldn't you have waited?" Carlisle, he must have had a long day.
"Emmet, there is nothing you can do. I didn't wake yall because I was sitting drinking water and I needed to do that. Could we please talk about this in the morning? I yawned for effect but it was a bigger yawn then I meant it to be.
"Of course, let's all get some sleep and then in the morning or when ever you wake up we'll talk." Esme stated and we all agreed and walked our separate directions. Well of course I was carried by Mr. I'm grumpy and wont put stupid Bella down. He sat me in the bed and I scooted over for him to get in also. He got under the covers and I followed him and curled into his side.
He rolled over and whispered into my ear, "I will miss you too much Bella." And that was the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep.
Tuesday 12:00pm
I could feel somebody get into the bed on the other side of me and Edward and I could only guess who it was so I turned over to face him. Edward didn't like that tough so he pulled himself to me and so I was sandwiched in.
"Hi Jasper."
"Bella I heard about last night you get some sleep." I did what I was told and fell back into my wonderful dreamless sleep.
Wednesday 4:00am
I woke up and tried to move to see what time it was but couldn't move because I had three people around me. Wait when did Emmet come into this bed? Huh, well I should wake up Edward andgo pack because I needed to be in the airport at 1:00pm. Great that gave me about 9 hours.
I started shaking my legs seeing if that would get them up but Edward and Emmet just placed their arms on them, dang. Then I decided screaming would work, "RAPE, RAPE. EDWARD STOP!" Hahahahah wow those boys sure do jump high when I yell like that. When Emmet saw nothing was wrong he just laughed and threw a pillow at me. Edward and Jasper did the same thing. I knew I could go now since they were all up.
"Boys we need to go to my house so I can pack." They all three stopped smiling when I said that, and I had a feeling that I copied that look.
"Ok." Edward finally said breaking the awful silence, he stood up and grabbed his keys and phone off of the counter by his bed. He waited for the rest of us to get up before ushering us all outside. We climbed into his Volvo and rode silently to my neighborhood. When we pulled into my driveway I walked up to my house and took the key from my dad's flower plant and unlocked the door. I walked to the kitchen and sat down in the nearest chair I could find. My body started shaking a little bit as the tears started once again. I was getting a bit tired of this but I knew that I couldn't beat myself out over something that I had no control over. This house hurt me knowing that I would never see Charlie walk in that door while I cooked dinner and he would never stay up late waiting for me to get home.
"Bella I'm going to get you a cereal bar to eat." Jasper was trying to be nice but it didn't help at all. I needed to be strong though and I walked up the stairs to my room. When I got in there I pulled out my two suit cases and started to fill them with all of the clothing I could fit in there. I left out most of my winter stuff because Phil could pick that up when he came to get the other stuff. Packing didn't take too long I finished in about an hour, and in the middle of that there was a little breakfast break. I set my alarm on the side of my bed for 11:30 and I got on the bed with the others who had already drifted off and fell asleep once again.
11:30am
Damn that annoying beeping noise that my alarm makes. I opened my eyes to turn off my alarm and couldn't find anyone. "EDWARD!" I heard somebody laugh around in my room and I flipped off my bed trying to find who it was. When I hit the floor, Déjà vu! Wow I felt like it was the morning before my dad died again, but it wasn't. I was leaving and I needed to get ready. I walked into my bathroom and got all cleaned up and nicer then I was. When I walked out I didn't know where they all were so I went down stairs to find them eating lunch. Boys, can't live with them, can't live without them. "Hey will one of you get my luggage and take it to the car?" Emmett stood up and ran upstairs to get it for me. Gosh I was going to miss him like no other.
"Bella are you ready to go?" Edward asked I nodded at him and we waited for Emmett to get the bags in the car situated before getting into the car all together for the last time. Before the Airport we went to drop off Jasper, as we pulled into his driveway my demon tears formed. I walked out of the car and waited for him to walk around so I could hug him.
"I will miss you so much, email me if you want to it's your decision." I told him.
"Of course, don't worry. Bella you get better and come visit us!" He said. I hugged him once more before getting into the car to leave.
12:45
Wow, the trip to the airport went by too fast. I'm not ready to say good bye to Edward just yet. "Emmett will you hold the car for me?" Edward asked. I didn't hear Emmett's response because I was to busy grabbing my stuff from the back. I felt a hand grab one of the suitcases and then Edward's other hand grabbed mine. We went through baggage checking and got my ticket stuff done before I found my mom. She was over by my gate and I figured we were about to leave. I turned to Edward and looked at him for just a second as he wiped the tears from my eyes. He kissed me lightly on the cheek and I had to talk before anything else happened.
"Edward I will never forget you and you better call me everyday."
"I promise Bella don't worry things will work out and maybe I could get Carlisle to buy us plane tickets to visit each other." Edward wiped away my tears once again and hugged me horribly tight.
"Bella dear come on you need to get on the plane it's time to leave." My mom broke Edward and my hug and dragged me on board. I didn't want to go though so I broke away once more and ran to Edward I kissed him very lovingly and our lips moved in perfect rhythm for the few seconds we had.
"I love you Edward." I did and I would always. I hope he knows it. I finally went on board the plane and I felt something in my jacket pocket. Reaching in there it was a note and a voice recorder and head phones I didn't know why I had this in my pocket. Maybe it was from Edward…
Wow… that was intense to write and I'm sorry if I misspelled any names Emmett's I didn't mean to but at 3 in the morning it's tough…
Well can anyone guess what is on the recorder!?