Sonic Insanity

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"EGGMAN!" howled Knuckles with rage. "You're not allowed to be the announcer! You're biased!"

"And it seems as if one of the Sonic crew is conversing to thin air!" Eggman cackled, as a laugh track played for some reason. "Knuckles, is it? The red, insignificant one. Yes… this dreadlocked wonder has long been suspected of stupidity and brawn over brains… but never of madness! It'll be one heck of a fight, folks!" The laugh track played again, for absolutely no reason.

Tails seethed. "We'll just have to deal with it, guys. We can beat them! He's just announcing the match, anyway."

"I will also be refereeing this evening!" said Eggman, although it was clearly midmorning outside.

Shadow snarled angrily, waving a fist. "We'll just have to beat them, straight-up, in a way not even Eggman can deny!"

"We just have to worry about their best fighter," fretted Tails.

"Now," said Eggman, "I want a good clean match… all of you! Captains, shake hands!"

Since Carson was obviously the gayest, he was selected to be Captain. Sonic stepped forward, ready to shake hands, but Shadow and Knuckles tried to take the credit too. A large fight ensued, and Tails stepped forward to shake hands with Carson, wiping his hand off afterward.

"It looks like the midget fur ball will be leading these soon-to-be-homeless fools!" Eggman grinned. "Ready… fight!"

Both sides retreated into the corner to decide their strategy.

"What should we do?" whispered Tails.

"I don't know," Shadow replied. "Maybe we-"

"PENALTY!" screamed Eggman. "Conspiring to attack the other team!"

"It's a fight!" screeched Sonic, throttling the air.

"High-sticking! To the penalty chair!" Eggman screamed back. He indicated a chair laced with barbed wire. The Queer Eye penalty chair was a deluxe armchair with gay male attendants sitting next to it.

Sonic took a seat. Of all the nerve! The fat one would pay for this treachery…

"How long is a penalty?" Knuckles called.

"And it looks as if everyone's least favorite redhead is speaking to himself again!" Eggman laughed, the laugh track playing once again. "Just a reminder to you folks out there- penalties last 3 minutes."

"We'll just have to fight them," Tails vowed, ignoring Knuckles' howls of rage. "Ready… go!"

As the Queer Eye gang decided to open fire with their guns, the three remaining Sonic team members took different paths. Knuckles dived low, under the bullets. Tails flew high over them. Shadow leapfrogged over Knuckles' back, clung to Tails' feet, and swung himself at the gay guys. He missed, as Tails had tried to fling him off-course and succeeded.

"That's for trying to take the glory!" the fox called. Tails and Knuckles landed among the gay guys and started beating them up.

"PENALTY SHOT!" Eggman hollered. "Generic drug scandal! Yes, folks, Tails the Fox has been convicted of drug abuse! The consequences are a penalty shot… to the groin!"

"WHAT?" howled Tails. "I never used drugs! And even if I had, it wouldn't have an impact on the game!"

"Stick to the status quo!" was Eggman's response. "Give him a good shot, Captain Carson!"

"Right-o!" said Carson in a highly effeminate manner, aiming at Tails' crotch.

Tails winced. A bullet, straight to the groin… his worst nightmare…

"Icky, I abhor gun use," said Carson, throwing the gun away, followed by the other Queer Eye guys. Tails relaxed, just in time to be KICKED between the legs instead of shot.

"The pain!" he managed, rolling around on the floor. Shadow was laughing.

"So, it appears Tails is exaggerating his pain to make us believe that he's actually a man!" chuckled Eggman. "Which clearly makes him… a vegetarian!"

"Actually, I've never grown my own herb garden," replied Tails.

"Um… anyway," said Eggman in a snide voice. "Resume fighting, teams!"

Sonic was allowed back in fairly soon, and the battle resumed. Tails flew in between Thom and Jai, smacked them in the face with his tails, and then knocked their heads together. Sonic took out a baseball bat, tossed a baseball into the air, and smacked it as hard as he could. It went right through Kyan's chest and into the audience, where small children tried to catch it like it was a fly ball in a ball game. Finally, Knuckles gave Ted a huge uppercut to the jaw, followed by a bicycle kick and a throw move that sent Ted into the audience. Just like with the baseball, a bunch of screaming girls fought to catch the flying gay guy.

"That was for your crappy cooking advice!" he snarled, dusting off his hands. Somehow, a large amount of dust came from them, creating a smoke cloud.

"Ack! It must be all the dust on this floor!" snarled Sonic. "It hasn't been cleaned for weeks!"

"And Sonic begins to make up lies to cover up the fact that he passed gas!" cackled Eggman. "Yes, his stink-making shall be exposed. But this smoke cloud has conveniently concealed the entrance of the additional fighter!"

The smoke cleared to reveal… the Geico gecko.

"HAH! Best fighter my furry red behind!" said Tails.

"That's me," Knuckles pointed out.

"We don't have time to argue about evolution!" Shadow growled. "That thing is going down!" He prepared a massive spinning kick at it. The gecko just sat there.

Shadow leaped high. The gecko smiled.

Shadow began to get worried. Maybe this gecko had a strategy. The gecko opened its mouth wide. Shadow yelped, trying to dodge.

The gecko's mouth swelled to a massive size, and it swallowed Shadow. Its head began to bulge and shift as Shadow punched it from the inside. Sonic got a margarita from a nearby bar, sat in a lawn chair, and decided to watch the show.

"We have to help him!" roared Knuckles.

"What? Oh yeah… be there in a second, I'm just watching something funny," Sonic chuckled.

"It appears that Sonic has turned traitor and is ignoring the pleas of… well… er…" Eggman looked around. Everyone in the crowd was too busy laughing at Shadow's fate to care about the commentary. "Oh, forget it," he groaned.

Knuckles dove right at the gecko. It opened its mouth, and Shadow hopped out. However, Knuckles flew right in. Shadow began to chase Sonic around the ring, mad with fury. Sonic was picking up Tails and hurling him at Shadow as a distraction. Since they were running so fast in circles, he could pick up Tails almost as soon as he dropped him. So, nobody was around to help Knuckles.

Tails finally learned better and flew away. Sonic picked up the margarita and the lawn chair and threw them at Shadow. Shadow caught the margarita, took a drink, and threw the glass into the audience, where it shattered on somebody. The lawn chair missed Shadow completely and flew right at the gecko. The gecko opened its mouth, and Knuckles jumped out. Sadly, the lawn chair hit him and he was knocked back into the gecko's mouth, making him even madder than before.

The crowd was cracking up- they had never seen anything so funny.

"Wow- it's like a Charlie Chaplin act!" giggled one audience member.

"Uh, I was born in the late 80s or early 90s, who's Charlie Chaplin?" asked everyone reading this story.

Tails picked up the lawn chair and threw it at Shadow. The black hedgehog tripped and fell over, and Sonic tripped over Shadow and flew at the gecko, which opened its mouth. Knuckles hopped out, and Sonic was promptly swallowed. Knuckles and Shadow began to laugh hysterically at Sonic trying to escape the gecko. Tails sighed.

"Here- catch!" said some Sonic fan girl in the audience, tossing a large, suspicious box labeled BOX CONTAINING A SECRET WEAPON. It hit the gecko on the head, and it spit out Sonic. The box bounced off the gecko's head and fell on top of Knuckles, breaking. Knuckles blamed Shadow for some reason and began to chase him around. Sonic tossed a lasso at the gecko, but it snagged on Tails instead and flung the fox into the gecko's mouth. Sonic pulled out a gun (the box was full of assorted weapons), but it hit Knuckles by mistake. Shadow tripped over Knuckles, flew into Tails, and sent both of them hurtling through a large window.

Sonic was trying to fire at the gecko while staying out of its range and avoiding Knuckles. Eggman, getting sick of this, pulled out a sniper rifle and fired. A fangirl jumped in front of its path, falling dead in the ring. Sonic tripped over her and let go of the gun. It landed in the gecko's mouth and went off. The lizard collapsed, finally defeated.

Sonic and Knuckles immediately began to cheer and shake hands like the best of friends. Eggman slumped in his seat, disgusted.

"Well, the Sonic Team seems to have barely survived this match due to unfair cheating and disloyalty," he announced. "It looks like they'll keep their miserable excuse for a house completely Queer Eye-free." And with that, he took off in his little floating pod.

"Back to my house, everyone!" shouted Sonic. "Party, everybody there!"

All the audience members thought they had been invited, so they followed the four heroes in a long line down the street. As they went, Knuckles and Shadow gave invitations and promotional T-shirts to everyone they saw. By the time they reached his house, there were 200 people there. The party commenced, and Sonic relaxed, his home restored to all its heterosexual glory.

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I may not write the party scene… it doesn't have much potential for humor. But stay tuned.