Sonic Insanity

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Sonic cautiously stepped from the vehicle. Around him lay the dull, grey expanse of the gypsy orphanage. Endless tents as far as the eye could see… one thing was certain; he wasn't playing any video games here. But there were thousands of hazards. Rusty fences, unclean water, furniture in disguise… with a shudder, he remembered what the wise (but senile) old man had told him, long ago…

Flashback…

It was a dark and stormy night, as many stormy nights are. Sonic and the old man sat at a card table, eating maraschino cherries by the handful and sipping tall lattes. They were engaged in lively conversation, while a small tree in the corner somehow served them more lattes.

"Where do you think the worst place is to get injured?" Sonic inquired happily, the juice of maraschino cherries flowing like some sort of artificially flavored blood down his chin.

The old man, who might have been a vampire but was more likely some sort of stupidly named, blood-loving fan-creature, licked his lips at the thought of blood. He quickly recovered, the red light leaving his eyes. "Hmmm… probably between the legs, if you take my meaning. But the eye might be fairly painful as well…" He poked a small kitten in the eye to test his theory. The kitten began to claw the old man's face to ribbons, which caused both Sonic and the old man to chortle heartily.

"No, I meant like, what place on Earth is worst to get injured in?" Sonic questioned, still chuckling faintly.

The old man, who had several dozen long, bleeding scratches on his face, thought about it for a minute while the kitten began to tear around the room in frenzy. "Hmmm… Eastern Europe, probably. Their medical staff is ridiculous! They'll hook you up with tubes and hoses if you so much as get a paper cut! And since your life insurance is invalid there, your friends can't sue if they accidentally cut off the life support they force you to be on!"

"But… how would that happen?" Sonic asked.

"Well, sometimes they try to cause as much damage to the life support system and place bets on how long the patient will last," shrugged the old man.

"THAT'S HORRIBLE!" screamed Sonic. "They can't just go around murdering people for fun!"

The old man shook his head sadly as the kitten caused part of the ceiling to cave in. "The wilderness of Eastern Europe is a lawless place… especially those gypsy orphanages!"

End flashback…

"Wow, that was highly specific and relevant to the problem," Sonic breathed.

"Well, that's why you have a flashback in the first place, faker, because it relates to the topic," Shadow sneered.

"But sometimes we just have random flashbacks that are unrelated to the story," Sonic pointed out. "Like that time Yuji Naka showed up and he had a flashback about his prom night."

"Oh yeah," Shadow reminisced. "Those were the good old days…"

"Eggman also destroyed part of my house," Sonic snarled.

"Oh yeah…" Shadow repeated.

Amy jumped out of the car, looking blissful. "Oh, it's not much of a place, but at least I'll be with my Sonikku!"

"AUUGGGGGGGGGGH!" screeched Sonic.

Shadow and Knuckles took seats on the ground and began to chuckle maliciously as Amy chased their blue, furry landlord all over the gypsy orphanage. Sonic was only barely avoiding being flattened by her hammer, as Amy was somehow faster than normal. In fact, she might have even been faster than Sonic was… wait, how was that possible?

"I knew it!" crowed Shadow triumphantly. "Sonic really IS the fake! I'm much faster than that- HEY! Where'd my hover boots go?" He glared over at Amy, who seemed to be wearing them to catch up with Sonic. "Give those back!"

He began furious pursuit of Amy, but was barely able to keep up without his precious shoes. But the boots were too big for Amy's feet, and one of them slipped off and hit Shadow in the head. He fell unconscious, and a gypsy orphan tripped on him and flew into a tent full of people. Soon the entire camp was rioting and shouting. And, what do you know; Sonic just happened to get a small gash on his arm when he fell onto a small paperclip.

"MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!" Shadow and Knuckles howled gleefully. They had been hoping this would happen. Immediately a medical squad converged around the hedgehog.

"I don't need help! I'm fine!" he cried out while Amy moved closer. "Just get me away from her!"

"He's delirious! He's blamed his current state of disease on this pink girl!" Shadow announced loudly.

"He's hallucinating! Get him some medical attention immediately!" Knuckles called out. Sonic began to choke and wheeze in his consternation. Smoke began to billow from his ears as he realized what Knuckles and Shadow were doing.

"He's having trouble breathing! Get him some respiration aid!" Shadow screeched.

"Get him to the hospital, before the onset of dementia! He's clearly going insane!" Knuckles hollered.

"He's overheating, he'll get sunstroke! Look at that smoke from his ears!" Shadow chuckled.

"Rip out his lungs!" Knuckles bellowed, his eyes dilating and constricting randomly. "Tear out his hair, rend his flesh, destroy his home! Filthy little blue hedgehog… I want his head on a platter! His heart must be stopped!"

There was a very long silence.

"Um… all right then," Shadow muttered, edging away from an embarrassed red echidna.

"What's the name of the hospital around here, anyway?" asked Sonic as he was carried away on a stretcher.

"The Haggard Clown," one of the medical personnel replied casually.

One could practically see Sonic's blood pressure skyrocket. His eyes bulged from his head in a worrying manner, and he began to kick and punch indiscriminately around him. "The Haggard Clown?" he shrieked, as Shadow guffawed with mirth and Knuckles remembered his favorite bar. "I'm not going to any Haggard Clown! Get me off! I just want to LIVE!" he shrieked as he was carried away. "What if this is my last waking hour… alive?"

"Sonic, you have a freaking scratch, chill out," Tails sniped.

"Ah, the Haggard Clown… my college friends and I got in so much trouble at that place," reminisced Knuckles.

Flashback…

The bar owner came in to see a horrible sight. A large bonfire was set up in the middle of the room, over which a spit was slowly turning. Impaled on the spit was an enormous, cardboard replica of a shoe, which Knuckles and his friends were tossing spices on.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" the bartender shrieked.

There was a long silence.

"Um… nice weather we're having?" Knuckles attempted meekly.

End flashback…

"That was pretty pointless, seeing as you never went to college," Shadow pointed out.

"But it was amusing anyway," Knuckles pointed out.

At the Haggard Clown, some hours later…

Sonic was feeling very scared. The doctors had told him that his heart transplant would be tomorrow, and he'd already had both legs in casts. Amy had come and given Sonic all her love and attention, which was a punishment for serial murder in many countries (or at least Sonic thought it should be). Tails had come and tried to offer help, but the doctors had ushered him out (visiting hours or something). Then, Shadow and Knuckles bribed their way in after visiting hours, laughed their heads off at him, and told Sonic that the doctors thought he wouldn't last a week. So Sonic was lying in the hospital bed, stewing in his own fear.

Suddenly the window broke (without a sound, oddly enough) and three masked men and maybe women jumped in. They were all dressed in black.

"Time to go," said one of them in an oddly familiar voice.

"I wanna go to Twinkle Park! Please pretty please!" begged one of the masked ones, floating in midair.

"Charmy- er, I mean, Alpha Agent, shut up!" snarled a strangely crocodile-shaped figure.

"Team Chaotix? What are you doing here?" Sonic asked.

"Don't say our names!" hissed Espio, distinguishable by the large horn sticking out of his mask. "We're supposed to conceal our identities from Sonic! We're here to kill him!"

"I am Sonic, so why bother? I've already guessed who you are," Sonic announced disgustedly. He got himself ready, in case they really tried to kill him.

"Er… shut up," Vector told him. "We're busting you out of here!"

"But how do I know you're not trying to kill me or something?" Sonic asked, trying to sound intelligent.

Espio rolled his eyes. "We were joking about that, you imbecile. We're getting you out. Don't ask questions."

"All right then," Sonic said, feeling very happy. Looks like he had evaded death once again (as opposed to all those times he'd died and was brought back to life, of course). "Why, though?"

"Our boss wants to see ya," Charmy informed Sonic gravely, getting out some breaking and entering tools.

"Um… all right," Sonic muttered, as Espio shrieked with rage. "Well, can you take Tails as well? He doesn't deserve to be in this miserable hellhole. Eastern European gypsy orphanages are no place for a young fox."

"Um…" Vector glanced guiltily at the large sack he was holding.

"Tell them to let me out, Sonic!" Tails demanded from inside the bag.

"Guys, let him out," Sonic snapped angrily. "We can just abandon those other three nightmares here- Knuckles, Shadow and Amy."

"All right, the boss only wants to see you two anyway," Espio shrugged. "Now let's get out of here!"

They hopped through the broken window. Tails carried Sonic down by flying. Charmy carried Espio down in the same way. Vector was left to hit the ground very painfully, amid a bellow of rage.

"Let's get out of here!" Sonic muttered, and they were gone. Meanwhile, Shadow watched the whole scene through binoculars, his eyes narrowed.

"Come on, guys," he murmured to Knuckles and Amy, "let's go after them."

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So, who is the boss? Please review.