Sonic Insanity
Sorry I couldn't post right away, Document Upload was messing up. Some of you e-mailed me about similar problems you had. If you're still having the problem, here's what I did. In the document title, put a .doc after it, or whatever file extension you usually use for your text program. If the problem has been solved by staff, disregard that advice.
Note to D.G.O, or - don't tell the punch line to the breakfast on Sunday joke. Good trip to Six Flags, by the way. We should actually buy him a monocle for his birthday. Oh yeah, and what did you mean by B in your review? Bulls or btchin'?
And Czechoslovakia is part of the Czech Republic, by the way.
500 reviews, good job to everyone who reviewed and especially to those who make a habit of reviewing every chapter (Justin Time, Chaotix Extremist, Tweedle Dumbass, uhyeahitsteamdark, molly-mouse616, playstation14, That One Guy Standing Behind You, and everyone else). Also, kudos to our newer reviewers.
To Clan rhRn, or whatever: You cannot be in the story again! You've already been in it twice! Plus, I wasn't planning on incorporating Carnival Night Zone or Tails + Omega anyway.
I know we have too many notes up here, I'll put any others at the bottom of the story. But I noticed that by the 51st chapter, I had 510 reviews. That's about ten reviews per chapter! So, for any of you with single-chapter stories that have only about eight, nine or ten reviews, imagine if you wrote 51 chapters. Don't judge a story by its total reviews, but how many average reviews per chapter.
Anyway, onto the fic!
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Shadow was sick and tired of this stupid gypsy orphanage. Amy was always running around helping the orphans, and Knuckles was infuriated at him for causing this whole problem anyway. He had tried to simply run after Sonic and Tails, but he'd been caught and put back in the gypsy orphanage. So Shadow began to devise a complex plan to escape.
Well, that was short. Now, back to Sonic and Tails…
The moonlight gleamed on the military complex. Seven miles of electrified barbed wire, security Klaxons, and tethered guard dogs surrounded the blocky facility. Night-vision-equipped guards moved stealthily around, their guns at the ready. Gunner turrets were mounted everywhere, and the entire area between the facility and the interior of the fence was a nightmare grid of laser tripwires. To make matters worse, the facility was right on a cliff, so there was only one way to approach it from.
Sonic and Tails, sitting at the bottom of the cliff, were going over their plan.
"I don't understand why we have to wear these things," Tails complained, fingering the strap of his overalls (with nothing else on).
"They're outfits James Bond wore!" growled Sonic, clad in a skiing suit. "The overalls are from Never Say Never Again or whatever the title of that tripe fest was, and this is from… oh, I don't know, The World Is Not Enough or something. He skies in a lot of movies!"
"What we should be wearing is dark night suits that camouflage us!" Tails insisted.
"Enough of that!" Sonic snarled. "Here's the plan. We scale the cliff face and tunnel into it about halfway up. We'll use the radar to detect the landmines buried in the soil and any other traps as we burrow through the ground. We'll emerge inside the fence, around the primary power generators. We'll attach the timed bombs to them, hide somewhere and wait until they explode. With all power down, we'll take out the back-up power generators before they can be turned on, get into the base, and sneak around until we find a tank and we can figure out some way of hauling a several-ton tank out of a guarded base. Got it?"
"That sounds good," Tails growled, "but we don't have any climbing equipment! I've got some explosives, but what will we use to climb the cliff face?"
"Eh, let's just jump over it," Sonic shrugged. "With any luck, we can disguise ourselves as soon as we land."
"Jump over it? It's too high!" said Tails, who couldn't fly because his tails were crammed into his overalls. "If you were as tall as an office building, you might be able to jump that! That's easily 800 feet!"
"Are you kidding? I TOWER over most office buildings!" said the 5'8" Sonic grandly, sticking out his chin and inconspicuously balancing on his tiptoes.
"Yeah, just like I towered over your mom last night…"
"WHAT?" Sonic covered his mouth, realizing that his scream had probably alerted the guards above. Sure enough, they'd heard, and a spray of bullets came down at them. Sonic, true to his word, jumped 800 feet upward onto the cliff, much to Tails' confused anger. The shooting stopped, and Tails listened nervously to see who'd won.
"Who's this guy?" came a guard's voice.
"Sonic the Hedgehog… pretty tough guy, so I've heard," another guard said.
"Not anymore," one laughed. "He's dead as a corpse now."
"He is a corpse, you fool."
"Oh yeah…"
Tails was emotionally ruined. They'd killed Sonic! Sonic, his protector and landlord. Sonic, his only real friend… Tails gritted his teeth. They'd pay! He flew to the top of the cliff, ready to gun down any guard he saw.
All the guards were lying unconscious or dead. Sonic was standing there without concern.
"SONIC! You're safe!" Tails cheered, happily swooping toward his friend.
"What made you think I wasn't?" said Sonic, holding his arms behind his back.
"Well- I heard guards talking about how you were dead!" Tails shouted, starting to get suspicious.
"Oh… that was just me practicing ventriloquism," Sonic explained, revealing his arms to show a ventriloquist's dummy. "We were both pretending to be guards."
Tails almost exploded. "WHY WERE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'D DIED, THEN?" he screeched at an agonizing volume.
"Hmmm… not sure. Funny how these things work out, ain't it?" observed Sonic bemusedly.
After they silenced the alarm, Tails gave Sonic a massive beating. Then, using Tails' ability to fly, they reached the power generators. Sonic quickly attached the explosives, then held himself and Tails tightly to the generators.
"What are you doing? We have to get out of here! We'll be killed in the explosion!" Tails shrieked, trying to break free.
"Well… you could look at it that way, I suppose," Sonic shrugged. "I prefer to think of it as V.F.D."
"What do you mean, V.F.D?" Tails shouted, wrestling unsuccessfully in Sonic's clutches.
"Well, it could mean Violent Funambulist Discord," Sonic said. "Then again, Various Furious Despots could also work. There's also Veils Found Drying, or Vacantly Flung Doormats. Don't forget Vaudevillian Features Daily, Viciously Fried Demons, Virulent Foil Drippings, Virtuously Failed Duties, Vanishing Fairy Docks, Vexed Furious Declarations, Vicarious Frozen Dominos, Vermin Fully Delivered, Vengeful Furries Destroyed, Violet Forks-"
Sadly, we will never hear the final word starting with D in the phrase starting with Violet Forks, as the explosion occurred and the two furries were blasted away. We may never know that final word, that word that could have given the rabbits eavesdropping in their nearby burrow another clue about the legacy of their dead brother. I have visited that old military complex, which has now been built over by an arcade-joystick-manufacturing conglomerate, and try as I might to discern clues of what Sonic may or may not have said, and as hard as I've tried to go over the security tape recordings, nothing has given me any clues to that fateful question: What was the punch line to Shadow's "your mom" joke at the end of that undetermined chapter, the one about breakfasts on Sunday? The infamous D.G.O has been sworn to silence or at least partial whispering to this matter, and I will never know (even though I made up the joke). Anyway, back to the story.
Sonic and Tails landed in a charred and rumpled heap, having traveled straight upward and straight back down somehow instead of being blasted far away, into the laser grid. The two of them quickly jumped through a window into the building. Immediately hundreds of guards began to shoot at them.
"Quick," Sonic ordered Tails, "duck behind one of those massive paragraphs of text!"
"Which ones?"
"Those!" shouted Sonic, pointing several lines of text above. "You take the one that starts with Sadly, we will never hear… and I'll take the one that starts with "Well, it could mean Violent…" OK?"
"Got it!" Tails said loudly as bullets spat past them. They ducked and rolled behind the massive paragraphs, feeling words getting obliterated as the bullets dug into them. Sonic saw various words falling to the ground: fateful question: What was the punch line, and has been sworn to silence or at least partial, and rabbits eavesdropping in their nearby burrow another clue. The bullets soon ceased, and Sonic and Tails walked out from behind the bullet-ridden paragraphs of text. Tails menacingly kicked the words Vexed Furious Declarations out of the way. Sonic palmed an explosive, looking angry.
A few minutes later…
No, I'm not going to be cheap and cut out to all the guards having been humorously incapacitated. The fight was still raging on.
"Man, that joke about hiding behind the paragraphs got old pretty fast!" shouted one soldier over the roar of battle, a bullet whining past.
"I know," another soldier yelled to him as they took cover behind a Barbie Easy-Bake Oven that had absurdly appeared in the room at that minute. "What's even worse is that many people won't even realize it was overused- or have the backbone to say that it was- until this moment, where Mecha Scorpion openly acknowledged it was a bad joke through this blatantly self-referential dialogue in the middle of his story!"
"Who's Mecha Scorpion?" asked the first soldier, just as both of them were crushed when Sonic rolled the Barbie Easy-Bake Oven on top of them. Yes, it only weighed like four pounds. No, they weren't French.
Finally, the fighting ended. Sonic and Tails snuck into the emergency generator room, disabled it before it could start generating power, and pinpointed their location using some sand, an ivory comb, three gherkins, and a package of Oreos (Twinkie jokes are so two hours ago). Just kidding, they used a GPS system.
So, Sonic and Tails snuck into the room where the tanks were being stored.
"Take a look in," Tails recommended as they reached a door. Sonic kicked open the door, walking out…
The room was the size of two or three football fields, and it was filled with tanks, helicopters, guns, turrets, boats, atom bombs, vaporizers, Lil Jon CDs, and other such forces of terrifying destructive power. About twelve thousand armed, shielded soldiers were patrolling the area. They swiveled around as soon as Sonic entered, aiming their guns at him.
Sonic quickly made his excuses and left, closing the door behind him.
"Well?" Tails asked.
"There's one armed guard," Sonic lied with a straight face.
"Oh, that shouldn't be too hard," Tails sighed in relief.
"You go first," Sonic said. "I'll cover your back… IN BULLETS! I mean, keep you from getting hit in case someone tries to sneak up on us."
"I snuck up on your mom last night," Tails murmured, still eying Sonic oddly. They entered the room full of weapons.
True to Sonic's word, there was one armed guard in the room.
"Yes!" cheered Tails. "Once we've taken him down, we can get away with the tank and pay off our debt to Bam!"
"Why so happy?" asked the leader of the twelve thousand-minus-one soldiers standing next to the single armed guard.
"Sonic," seethed Tails angrily, "next time you tell me how many there are, I'd like you to tell me exactly how many there are, instead of a technically correct but understated tally of a tiny percentage of them…"
"Well, maybe next time you should tell me that!" Sonic shot back. Tails opened his mouth with rage.
"Uh-oh," one of the guards said. "I'm not one to get involved in arguments between a man and a woman…"
"I'M NOT A WOMAN!" Tails howled as loudly as his feminine lungs could muster.
"Yeah, you're right, Fred," another soldier said. "I think we should leave the relationship discussion to these two."
Tails began to implode with wrath as all the soldiers began to make similar comments. "THIS ISN'T ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP! It's about how Little Boy Blue over here ruined our plan!"
"We'll leave and let you work out your problems," the 12,000 soldiers said, filing out.
"That was convenient," Sonic smiled slightly, apparently not too concerned about the insult to himself. While Tails spat with indignation, Sonic hopped into a cargo truck with a tank in the cargo holder. "Are you coming or what?" he asked Tails, who was incandescent with rage.
The fox boy calmed himself down and got into the truck. They drove off through a wall… and right off the cliff that the facility was built near.
"D'oh!" Sonic screamed. It took them longer to hit the bottom then when Homer fell down the gorge. Of course, there was no serious injuries (because as we all know, in any form of commercial entertainment, violence must be excessive but bloodless, a double accomplishment for desensitization), so Sonic and Tails rode off to Bam's palace, their mission complete.
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More on Shadow's escape plot later. Review, yo!
Oh, and for why I don't like Kingdom Hearts 2: Xemnas' name can be scrambled to say Sex Man. That's one reason.