Sonic Insanity
The Xemnas- Sex Man Conspiracy
An Investigative Report Into Video Game Subliminal Messaging
Coming Never
About the VFD thing: When I wrote that chapter, I was reading the Series of Unfortunate Events books. However, I have read them in the past, I was just re-reading them. Also, the paragraph involving the rabbits and the breakfast on Sunday joke was intentionally written in Lemony Snicket's (aka Daniel Handler's) style.
I also happen to like your mom jokes, so I'll try to keep mostly good ones in the story from now on.
To uhyeahitsteamdark: WHAT? "Some kind of German?" Well, "some kind of German" has written all 53 now of these chapters, all to critical acclaim! Although the way that heinous insult was phrased was kind of funny, so maybe I'll include it in a story somewhere.
Enjoy the chapter, and paintball is just another way for repressed teenagers to believe that violence has a place in the world.
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Meanwhile, back at the gypsy orphanage, Shadow had called a meeting of himself, Knuckles and Amy. It was time to escape, and they all knew it. Not just due to their own discomfort, but the change in Shadow. The black hedgehog had been acting oddly unsettled lately. He would jump at the smallest of noises; throttle anyone who looked directly at him, and often mutter about "the Drew Barrymore of bottled water juggling," as if this made any sense. So Knuckles and Amy both knew that they had to escape, for everyone's health.
He was waiting for Knuckles and Amy in their tent, drawing a complex diagram of their escape plot. Things weren't going so well for Shadow. For starters, he was using a paintbrush to draw the diagram and was spilling buckets of paint all over everything. For another thing, whenever he drew a large arrow indicating something on the diagram (an often occurrence), it would almost instantly jump off the paper and try to wrap itself around his throat, only to stop when he slammed it back onto the canvas he was trying to paint on. Another hazard was the fact that he was underwater, with a timed explosive strapped to his leg.
Well, that last one wasn't actually true. But the first two were, and so it was a long, messy struggle before he called Knuckles and Amy in to witness his plot for escape.
"I've been waiting for you," growled Knuckles.
"I should be the one saying that, seeing as you're the one entering," Shadow pointed out.
"Oh yeah…" Knuckles and Amy took seats. Meanwhile, Shadow added some last minute touches to his diagram.
"Man, I'm a regular Picasso at this!" he exclaimed as he doodled randomly with black ink all over the side of the tent. "The subtlety of my brush strokes… I should apply for some sort of special class or something." He made wide swathes of paint all over the tent's ceiling, missing the paper entirely.
"Yeah, a real special class for sure…" Knuckles snickered.
"What was that?" Shadow inquired threateningly, the paintbrush catching fire in his hands. The beds and furniture began to rattle and an ominous wind began to howl. This had happened so many times in the last day or two that it didn't faze Knuckles or Amy in the least. Realizing that it had no effect on them, Shadow sheepishly stopped the magic tricks and they got down to business.
"So," Knuckles asked, "what's the plan?"
"Well, I'll tell you," Shadow said. A large sign fell from the sky saying FIVE MINUTES LATER. It was cleared away by some stagehands.
"And that's my plan," Shadow concluded.
"You haven't even explained it," Amy complained. "Five minutes haven't actually passed, that's just what the sign said."
"Right," Shadow said, embarrassed.
Five minutes later…
"And that's my plan," Shadow concluded.
"You haven't even explained it," Amy complained. "Five minutes haven't actually passed, that's just what the sign said."
"Right," Shadow said, embarrassed.
Five minutes later…
"And that's my plan," Shadow concluded.
"You haven't even explained it," Amy complained. "Five minutes haven't actually passed, that's just what the sign said."
"Right," Shadow said-
Suddenly, Déjà Vu stormed in. "I'm not going to be used without my permission!" she snapped, smacking Shadow in the face. She stomped off in a huff again (the déjà vu jokes in Chapter 49 were a success, so there you go.)
So, eventually, Shadow actually managed to explain his plan.
"So, we'll break out of here by dawn's first light," Shadow told them.
But by dawn's first light, they still hadn't broken out.
"Dawn, turn off that light and go to bed!" Knuckles snapped at a young girl running around the campground.
"Sorry!" muttered Dawn, turning off her flashlight.
So by dawn's real first light, the three of them began to escape.
Knuckles picked up Amy and tossed her over the camp's fence. She landed softly and unlocked the gate from the outside. They went through.
"Wow, that was pretty easy," Shadow pointed out.
"Yeah, it was," Knuckles said. "Now what?"
"Now we find that conniving little rat and his fox friend and get them to suffer for abandoning us in this stupid gypsy orphanage!" snarled Shadow, a large blast of fire from his mouth incinerating a tree. "I mean, now we'll find those fakers and show them what true power is!"
"Why'd you change what you said?" Amy asked, confused.
"Sega only allows me to use the following phrases," Shadow explained, pulling out a well-thumbed leaflet and perusing it. "I'll read them out loud, shall I?"
"Please don't," Amy advised, but Shadow did anyway.
"Let's show them what true power is… I am the Ultimate Lifeform… Chaos Control… death to all who oppose me… let's find out who the real fake is… let's find out who the real Ultimate Lifeform is… I'll make them pay for what they did to Maria… so that's the key to my past! … I remember now… um, I think there's a few others, hold on." Shadow flipped through the pages and was about to begin again, but Knuckles was throttling the air with impatient fury so he put the book away.
"Where do you keep your stuff, anyway? You don't wear clothes," Knuckles said.
"He might be wearing a body suit," Amy said doubtfully.
"No, I don't wear clothes," Shadow reassured them, while fangirls cheered obnoxiously like some sort of angel choir, albeit the least angelic one ever known to man. "But I just keep stuff in my pockets."
"WHAT pockets?" hissed Knuckles.
"I just made large cuts in the sides of my legs and I put stuff in them," Shadow shrugged, plunging his hand into his leg and pulling it out again. Knuckles was apoplectic with fury, but nobody else really cared so moving on.
Sonic and Tails finally arrived at Bam Margera's mansion, inexplicably carrying the tank on their shoulders.
"I've been waiting for you," Sonic snarled.
"Shouldn't I be saying that?" Bam asked skeptically. He pulled out a gun and aimed it threateningly at Déjà Vu, who had started to open her mouth angrily. She cowered in the corner.
"Oh yeah," Sonic said embarrassedly, depositing the tank on the floor before Bam. "Well, here's your tank. Can Tails and I go now?"
"Oh, sure," Bam said absently, climbing into the tank and staring mesmerized at the controls. "Oh, those tanks… those glorious tanks… I love them… oh god, those tanks…"
A little worried, Sonic and Tails edged out of the house. They were just getting off the front step when…
"FAKER!" screeched Shadow, sliding forward with fury in his eyes. "Why'd you leave us in Czechoslovakia? That gypsy orphanage was the worst!"
"Um… I never left you!" Sonic blustered.
"Don't give me that!" the black hedgehog hollered as Knuckles and Amy approached behind him, both angry as well. "I saw you, Tails and the Chaotix leaving!"
"We were just getting… um… getting a midnight snack!" Sonic defended. "I went right back to our tent afterward!"
Shadow had had enough of this, so he leaped through the air and began to pummel Sonic with all his might. While Sonic pleaded for his life, Shadow howled at the top of his lungs, in an odd, Germanic accent, "I'm gonna show you the real meaning of pain!"
"Whoa, it's like he's pain incarnate!" Tails winced, watching the fight.
"Yeah, he's pain all right… a peon of the arts!" Knuckles guffawed, pronouncing the word "pain" similarly to "peon" to mock Shadow's Germanic pronunciation. This was by far the worst joke Knuckles had ever told, and all moved away from him.
A lightning bolt from the author hit Shadow in retaliation to the mockery of Germany. Sonic finally flung Shadow off of himself and dusted himself off. "You can't attack me! Don't you know how important I am?"
"Please, faker," snorted Shadow, examining his paws. "Anyone could save the world as well as you. Chocola could save the world as well as you!"
"It's not just that!" Sonic argued. "Just imagine this: 4.5 billion years ago, or more according to the Biblically inclined-" at this point he began to cough and laugh- "the Earth was just a cloud of dust. Then came dinosaurs, birds, mammals, and the first civilizations. Cities swept the globe, and the great Ages began: the Stone Age, the Bronze Age, the Iron Age, the Polyester Age, the Under Age, and the Information Age. And now, in 2006, there's me…"
There was silence. Shadow looked slightly interested.
"And now there's me…" Sonic repeated. "The end result of all evolution."
Shadow blew his stack. "How could ANYBODY be pretentious enough to assume that they were the reason for all evolution? That's preposterous! You can't just ASSUME that you're the only reason that Earth has ever advanced!" He began to beat the earth in his frenzied fury.
"Said the self-proclaimed Ultimate Lifeform!" hissed Sonic threateningly. "If you're allowed to think that you're the greatest life form ever to be created, why can't I think that I'm the greatest life form ever to evolve?"
"Ugh… I hate these creation versus evolution debates," complained Knuckles sarcastically. Amy laughed.
"You stay out of this!" both male hedgehogs told Knuckles angrily. Tails placed a hand on Amy's shoulder. Who knows how he got tall enough to reach it. Either he was trying to silently tell her not to laugh, or he was trying to score. Cream wouldn't be happy.
"That's it, faker!" pronounced Shadow ominously, removing the Chaos Emerald from his "pockets." "I've tolerated your existence for some time now, longer than I might usually be inclined… but these delusions of grandeur on your part have awakened me to the truth! You're a blight on this earth, Sonic the Hedgehog… and I intend to remove you once and for all!"
Sonic was lounging in an easy chair and reading a book, bored already by Shadow's monologue. He leaped to his feet as soon as the black hedgehog was done, kicked the chair and the book aside (the book, Severing Your Own Thumb and Other Funny Things To Do In An Elevator, can be learned more about if you ask misterfuzzums), and began to deprecate and depreciate without remorse. "Now listen here, you Generation Corporate Rebellion Fix video game idol! For a while I was in the top spot… well, except for Mario, but we'll ignore him… but then the GTA games waltzed in, and then Halo really got the ball rolling. Violence in video games was sought after, and more and more teens found it easier and easier to joke about graphic murder and torture. Things were miserable, needless to say. I was out of a job, seeing as I was unwilling to be part of such nonsense."
"Sounds pretty awesome," Shadow pointed out.
"EXACTLY!" shrieked Sonic, leaping upon Shadow's proclamation. "You've been so desensitized that although the violence is in a semi-fictional setting, you can easily imagine it in the real world! And that just make you think that violence actually holds a place in our society, instead of being a terrible thing that should be eliminated completely! As little as I condone the disgusting world of character-on-character brawling just to support the mass public, I'll have to make an exception!" He drew a heavy katana from his back and waved it threateningly. "You've disgraced Sega beyond all possible hope of return! Now that they've resorted to pleasing violence-addicted imbeciles, we're lost! You've demeaned the Sonic universe beyond all possible point of return-"
"See? SEE?" sputtered Shadow, almost dropping the Chaos Emerald and turning red with wrath. He was angrier than my friend Tracy that one time when we were playing a movie guessing game and she didn't think I I would ever know about the movie Run Lola Run, but… OK, I'll stop. "The SONIC universe? It's all about you, isn't it? I get my own game, and you justify it by saying it's just violent! It's better than your Christian-values brand of meaningless video gaming! At least mine has gratuitous violence to cover up its weak graphics, dubious plot and hideous audio. Yours has no such thing!"
"Yeah, cause my games are GOOD!" Sonic yowled shrilly, staring down the other hedgehog in the eye.
"This means war!" they both declared at the same time.
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So, will things actually become war? Or will they forget about it between chapters, as usually happens in my stories? Please review, merci beaucoup. What a rhyme, right on time! OK, fine, that one was pretty bad, I'll stop.